Married to a believer
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28-06-2016, 05:42 PM
Married to a believer
I'm wondering how others have handled similar situations such as mine. The spouse and I have been together for 4 years now. When we got together I was ignorant and though I had a grasp of things. As I have went further in my studies in university, I have slowly opened my eyes to the wide open expanses of the universe. Sadly, this has caused a wedge between us now, her believing and I wanting evidence that doesn't exist. I agree with Carl Sagen on this matter, I prefer the term scientist, but I am but a layman still. How does your marriage work, or will this eventually cause such an issue it will dissolve it? Currently we do not speak of the subject, but on Sunday's is becoming a pain due to I can't plan any good trips due to her church time now.
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28-06-2016, 05:49 PM
RE: Married to a believer
I'm not married because, you know, I'm smart. But from what I've seen of others that have posted here in the past, it depends entirely on the couple.
For some it results in divorce because it's that big of an issue for their partner. Others are happily married and it's not an issue at all.

I think, in my complete non-experience of this issue, that the key is respect. You respect her beliefs, even though they're retarded and wrong, and in return she should respect your non-belief. example: Her making you go to church (if she does) is her NOT respecting your beliefs.

I think you guys just need to have a serious discussion about it. Maybe she's flexible with church, she might be willing to go during the week or something if it means going away on trips with you. She might surprise you. Or she might be a complete fundy bitch who knows, she's your wife not mine.

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28-06-2016, 06:31 PM
RE: Married to a believer
(28-06-2016 05:42 PM)Typhon Wrote:  I'm wondering how others have handled similar situations such as mine. The spouse and I have been together for 4 years now. When we got together I was ignorant and though I had a grasp of things. As I have went further in my studies in university, I have slowly opened my eyes to the wide open expanses of the universe. Sadly, this has caused a wedge between us now, her believing and I wanting evidence that doesn't exist. I agree with Carl Sagen on this matter, I prefer the term scientist, but I am but a layman still. How does your marriage work, or will this eventually cause such an issue it will dissolve it? Currently we do not speak of the subject, but on Sunday's is becoming a pain due to I can't plan any good trips due to her church time now.

I understand the expansion of horizons. By the time I got my B Sc degree, I realized that I was just standing on the shore of a vast ocean of knowledge. Hopefully you can come to a reasonable resolution with the differences in your belief levels (1 Vs 0). I came to atheism about 10 years ago, and have been married for 35. I have not told my wife yet. On the plus side, we haven't been in a church but for a marrying or burying in the last 14 years. She's a true believer, though. I'm sure other people will weigh in with more ideas and experiences.
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28-06-2016, 09:47 PM (This post was last modified: 28-06-2016 09:51 PM by The Organic Chemist.)
RE: Married to a believer
My wife and I have been married for 13 years. I was not a christian when we married but I was definitely not an atheist. That came 5-6 years later and it was quite the opposite of what I wanted to happen. I am the only atheist I know and my entire family on both sides are pretty hardcore christian. As I am typing this, my wife is reading a christian novel because bible study season is over (she does 2 and organizes 1). It is still a wedge between us and it probably always will be.

In terms of will it dissolve your marriage, I think that if your marriage was based in the church, then yeah, it probably will not end well. Personally, I lucked out that we never based our relationship on religion to begin with which is why I think my marriage is as strong as it is. We talk about our problems, not push it onto some wizard in the sky. You did not say anything about that so only you know. Does she know you don't believe (if that is the case)? I only have been out for about 2 years myself but I stopped going to church with her 7 or so years ago. I just told her that I could not in good conscience attend anymore. The subject has been extremely touchy due to the defense mechanisms of the faith virus. It has gotten better but for the most part, I enjoy just being a living, breathing, contradiction to what people think or are told about atheists. I don't have to do much. Even with our children, it mostly is just me being me and answering any questions they have.

Are you out? I know that many people can't be which is why I couldn't stay in the shadows anymore. I was terrified of what my wife would do. I just came here not long after I came out and it has been quite therapeutic.

PM me if you ever want to talk more.

"If we are honest—and scientists have to be—we must admit that religion is a jumble of false assertions, with no basis in reality.
The very idea of God is a product of the human imagination."
- Paul Dirac
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28-06-2016, 09:49 PM
RE: Married to a believer
I am not married because I'm just not.

I have been in a relationship with someone for almost fifteen years.

I'm an atheist and my partner is not, yet my partner rarely expresses his beliefs.

And the only time I really ever mention my disbelief is online.
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29-06-2016, 04:00 AM
Married to a believer
Let me give you all a bit more background to work with so you understand us better. I have a poster of the periodic table of elements hanging in a frame in a hallway, and Carl Sagen's Pale Blue Dot quote on another poster. Also, a few other universe quick reference chart posters hanging in frames, so yeah I went full nerd. As this was happening, she could not comprehend all that I was talking about, I tried even excitingly shared by taking her to classes with me even. Then the stubbornness set in, it seemed that she doesn't even want to look nor discuss any evidence that goes against her god now. Even worse, I didn't realize this was my step son doesn't "believe" that evolution happened.


I got into it last night due to one of Neil Degrasse Tyson's books, Origins. I had sitting on my nightstand and she opened it up and read the prologue. That pissed her off, I asked her what evidence do you need, she said there isn't any that can change my mind because I just know. I then asked how do you know? Because the bible told me. What if the bible is wrong? It can't be because it's written by god. How do you know that? Because it says so at the end. I then wrote a quick paragraph saying I need 10 percent of your income and you can own slaves and beat your women for the smallest fraction. Yours truly, God. That did not go over well. It went down hill from there, as in science is but a bunch of lies to pull the wool over people's eyes from him. Other crazy talk.
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29-06-2016, 04:52 AM
RE: Married to a believer
Quote:my step son doesn't "believe" that evolution happened.

Disownment is the only option.
Religious parents have gayness as their only way out, atheists have non-evolution-believes.

Do not miss this opportunity to rid yourself of the tumor that is children.

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29-06-2016, 06:45 AM
RE: Married to a believer
(28-06-2016 05:42 PM)Typhon Wrote:  How does your marriage work, or will this eventually cause such an issue it will dissolve it?

I stopped believing roughly five years ago. It's definitely been a problem off and on. We largely don't talk about it, and she's probably getting about 80% of her way on the matter (the kids are being raised Christian and I still go to church).

Luckily, she's a type of Christian that isn't hostile to non-Christians. She doesn't believe in hell and believes that when I die, I'll go to heaven, realize I was wrong, and that will be that. So, at least I don't have her trying to save my soul, or what not.

A lot of the particulars for you and your wife are going to revolve around what each of you believes, how accommodating those beliefs are to the other, how much will each of you have to keep the marriage together, and what other things you two have in common to focus on.
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29-06-2016, 09:28 AM
RE: Married to a believer
My wife new I was atheist before we got married (she wasn't happy about it) but I layed it all on the table before hand. When the subject of religion comes up things can get heated. I've been taking a softer approach on the subject with her. Sliding in deductive reasoning skill with subject's i know she doesn't believe in such as aliens, or big foot. She's not stupid, but she's lived her life in a bubble for some long the information has made her ignorant. I love her (even thou she drives me crazy) and I don't want her to live in fear which is a large motivator for her belief.

You have to determine Why are you married? Was it because of spiritual beliefs or because you enjoyed spending time together? My wife and I share more things in common them we do differences. We've been together for 6 years, and just celebrated our 2nd anniversary.





Don't Live each day like it's your last. Live each day like you have 541 days after that one where every choice you make will have lasting implications to you and the world around you. ~ Tim Minchin
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29-06-2016, 11:20 AM
RE: Married to a believer
Although I was married as an atheist (way back when!) I got married in a church as the easiest way to keep both Christian families happy [sic] at the time. A bit cowardly I know, but as Shakespeare said, discretion is the better part of valour.

My then wife was always an agnostic, and in 15 years of marriage, my resolute non-belief never became even a minor issue. Although I guess a true, practicing believer is obviously more likely to cause ructions in a relationship.

It's interesting that it's invariably the believer who won't outwardly repress or otherwise modify their religious behaviour—rather than the non-believer. It seems always to be the latter who's expected to make all the changes in their life to satisfy the demands of the former—which are often repressive, overbearing, demanding, and unfair.

Whatever the answer—and I'm sorry I couldn't help you mate—it totally pisses me off to see religion drive a wedge into an otherwise happy relationship, be it spouses or kids. In fact, it makes me fucking angry!

I'm a creationist... I believe that man created God.
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