Me and my boyfriend had a feud over money
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18-10-2016, 02:36 AM
Me and my boyfriend had a feud over money
Last night me and my boyfriend had a feud over money, and I'm confused as to who's in the wrong and what is supposed to be done now.

We know that relationships is all about give and take. It cannot be one sided.

Let me put up the fact that the financial pressure is mostly on me because I'm the only one with a job, my boyfriend is jobless.

Financially, I always set boundaries. There are certain things I will pay for him, and there are certain things I won't. After all, it is my money and I do whatever I want with it, and he should respect that. He ought to also respect the fact that I'm the financial provider in the relationship.

I will only use my money for him when either it is related to an experience between him and I together, for example, if we both go to a restaurant, coffee shop, theme park and even paying gas money cause I always drive to him (He lives an hour away)... etc. or if I personally wanted to buy him a gift, or in emergency situations.

The things I won't pay for him is if it is related to anything selfish on his part.
I can't give him money for his favorite jeans he wants to buy (when it's not even his birthday).
I can't give him money for personal use (I'm not his ATM) No matter how sorry I am that he can't go to his favorite coffee shop when he's bored.
I can't give him money for his debts or any official matter related to him (I'm not responsible for them) If I did give him money for his debts or official matters, I would expect the money in return cuz I have the right to do so.

Of course, I am in an awkward position because I always pay for most of everything. But since I know he is jobless, I can't expect him to reciprocate financially however I can't always let him get away with it just as to avoid him trifling me (relying financially on me).

On that note, I asked him to reciprocate in some other form, in forms of certain favors. And that is all I need for him to keep the balance in the relationship.

Last night we argued because I reminded him for the money he borrowed from me twice. (And I did so politely and not hastily, I'm not in a hurry for the money).

He claims that money is more important to me than anything.

And then he tells me from now on, I don't pay anything for him. If that was the case, the relationship wouldn't even work. I won't be able to drive to him, we won't be able to go to a restaurant, coffee shop, theme park...etc. together.

Basically, I'm baby sitting him, and feeding him. And instead of respecting me for it, he flips and says money is more important to me.
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18-10-2016, 05:28 AM
RE: Me and my boyfriend had a feud over money
Sounds to me like you've been generous enough on the financial side. Having said that relationships are about giving not taking although there is going to be some of the later too in any relationship. If you have something you need him to do for you he should do it because he wants to. Not because he is indebted to you. You shouldn't need to remind him that he is in order to get what you need. If he can't do things for you because he wants to then it is probably time to move on.

My two cents for what it's worth.

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18-10-2016, 06:52 AM
RE: Me and my boyfriend had a feud over money
Bumper sticker seen in the 1960's ----


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Tell him about it....

If he's got a problem with it - he's free to go see if he can find a better deal elsewhere.

You're not obligated to support his ass.

If he doesn't see it that way - you NEED to show him the error of his ways.

When he contributes - then he gets a say.......

.......................................

The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
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18-10-2016, 07:13 AM
RE: Me and my boyfriend had a feud over money
Does he take care of the house? Laundry? What does he contribute?

I was the breadwinner in all my relationships, I liked it that way.

My first marriage was like what you are doing now, and he didn't contribute much. He was an artist and he did just hand over money he made to me - which wasn't much. But I did enjoy his arts a lot...

After he passed away I had a live-in boyfriend who contributed nothing whatsoever and was out on his ass soon.

Hubby number two held down the fort while I travelled a lot on business. Kept the house, did laundry, errands, shopping etc. I worked and cooked - love to cook. Here he had the household money, and I opened an account for him for spending money that was his own.

It really depends on the relationship and what the partner contributes in other ways, and what that is worth to you, as well as how happy you are in the relationship. I don't think there is a firm rule. But - if you feel that you are being used - you probably are. Personally, I love my independence above all, so it was the way forward for me.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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18-10-2016, 07:27 AM
RE: Me and my boyfriend had a feud over money
I see you don't cohabitate, so this is an awkward position. it can also be emasculating for a guy to be without a job and money. It affects everyone negatively but guys and testosterone and breadwinner history can make it harder on a man. I speak from experience.
What keeps him living an hour away? Why are you not living together if I may ask?
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18-10-2016, 07:28 AM
RE: Me and my boyfriend had a feud over money
(18-10-2016 02:36 AM)OnlyLogicPlease Wrote:  Last night me and my boyfriend had a feud over money, and I'm confused as to who's in the wrong and what is supposed to be done now.

We know that relationships is all about give and take. It cannot be one sided.

Let me put up the fact that the financial pressure is mostly on me because I'm the only one with a job, my boyfriend is jobless.

Financially, I always set boundaries. There are certain things I will pay for him, and there are certain things I won't. After all, it is my money and I do whatever I want with it, and he should respect that. He ought to also respect the fact that I'm the financial provider in the relationship.

I will only use my money for him when either it is related to an experience between him and I together, for example, if we both go to a restaurant, coffee shop, theme park and even paying gas money cause I always drive to him (He lives an hour away)... etc. or if I personally wanted to buy him a gift, or in emergency situations.

The things I won't pay for him is if it is related to anything selfish on his part.
I can't give him money for his favorite jeans he wants to buy (when it's not even his birthday).
I can't give him money for personal use (I'm not his ATM) No matter how sorry I am that he can't go to his favorite coffee shop when he's bored.
I can't give him money for his debts or any official matter related to him (I'm not responsible for them) If I did give him money for his debts or official matters, I would expect the money in return cuz I have the right to do so.

Of course, I am in an awkward position because I always pay for most of everything. But since I know he is jobless, I can't expect him to reciprocate financially however I can't always let him get away with it just as to avoid him trifling me (relying financially on me).

On that note, I asked him to reciprocate in some other form, in forms of certain favors. And that is all I need for him to keep the balance in the relationship.

Last night we argued because I reminded him for the money he borrowed from me twice. (And I did so politely and not hastily, I'm not in a hurry for the money).

He claims that money is more important to me than anything.

And then he tells me from now on, I don't pay anything for him. If that was the case, the relationship wouldn't even work. I won't be able to drive to him, we won't be able to go to a restaurant, coffee shop, theme park...etc. together.

Basically, I'm baby sitting him, and feeding him. And instead of respecting me for it, he flips and says money is more important to me.

Welcome.

Money is always in the top three of reasons why relationships fail.
In your instance it is your resentment of unequal contribution to the relationship that is upsetting you. It is one thing is to have previously agreed that one of you would stay home and take care of the kids and home while the other worked to support the family but this isn’t the case with you two. You don't even live together!

Your boyfriend strikes me as being immature and selfish and from what you say he’s using you. How can you respect him when he is acting like a spoiled prepubescent brat and guilt-tripping you?

IMO you need to put some distance between you and him, should be easy since he doesn’t have a car Angel

Stop allowing him to use you and go find a responsible, emotionally mature man that pulls his own weight financially and emotionally and brings you happiness.

Life is short, dump the drama. Good luck.

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
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18-10-2016, 08:07 AM
RE: Me and my boyfriend had a feud over money
(18-10-2016 07:27 AM)skyking Wrote:  I see you don't cohabitate, so this is an awkward position. it can also be emasculating for a guy to be without a job and money. It affects everyone negatively but guys and testosterone and breadwinner history can make it harder on a man. I speak from experience.
What keeps him living an hour away? Why are you not living together if I may ask?

That's not her fault.
She shouldn't feel the need to pay for things for him simply because he feels "emasculated". The only correct response to anything related to a guy feeling "emasculated" is 'so fucking what'.


Need more information. Is he actively seeking employment? Is he on unemployment? Does he do housework or look after any kids? Why is he unemployed? was he unlucky or just a useless sack of shit?

If he's a full on stay at home Dad you should buy him personal things he wants, such as a pair of jeans. You work, he looks after the kids. That's the arrangement.
If there're no kids then he should do all the housework while you pay the bills. But no personal items, just like you say, trips you two do together.

If he doesn't even do housework than he should be thankful you even pay for gas or electricity and you should dump his stupid ass.

If you wanna pay off your debt get him to sign something so you can sue him later when he gets a job and dumps you because he doesn't need you anymore and decides he doesn't need to pay you back. Though, the best advice is to not pay his debt to begin with.


I'm with FC on this one. He sounds like an ungrateful immature cunt and you're better off with someone else.

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18-10-2016, 08:16 AM
RE: Me and my boyfriend had a feud over money
I was going to get to that same place without the name calling, but OK, you go Muffs.
Big Grin
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18-10-2016, 08:18 AM
RE: Me and my boyfriend had a feud over money
I missed the part where you don't live together.....

I'm guessing he still lives at home with his parents????

In that case -- dump him immediately.....

He's got one mommy....

You don't have

.......................................

The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
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18-10-2016, 08:46 AM
RE: Me and my boyfriend had a feud over money
Unless he's looking for a job, or really good in the sack, I'd dump his useless ass.
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