Messed up family rant. Just need to talk it out.
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11-09-2017, 10:26 AM
Messed up family rant. Just need to talk it out.
I just wanna voice some issues I'm having. I just wanna say this to say it. I just wanna write this for my own sake--to maybe help me digest it or come to terms with what happening in my life. Not really seeking advice. Just want someone to hear me.


I've escaped many cycles in life: poverty, lack of education, religion, the works. And my family is crazy. Like, religious nut job and severe mental illness kind of crazy. I only talk to them when I have to and they know nothing about my personal life--it's easier for me that way. I work hard to keep it secret. They are too irrational for me to expect any type of healthy relationship. They were emotional and psychologically abusive to put it bluntly. But I got far away and I'm in a really good place in life.

Despite that side of crazy, I love my grandparents. They've always supported my dreams and helped me pay for college and medical school admission fees. But they are from a different era. An era where blood is always thickest no matter what past harms have occurred under familial hands. Blood is blood and you don't turn away from it.

And then there is my older sister. I have so many mixed emotions about her, but above all I adore her and would pick her above anyone in my family. She was harmed the most, by far, out of any of my siblings and she deserves as much love and support as I can give her. She's also very vocal and blunt and hates my parents, and a lot of this has pushed my grandparents to the point where they don't really want to associate with her. They think she is wild and mentally unstable, but she is just spirited and damaged by life. She's trying her best to make a life for herself after the wreckage that was our childhood. I don't blame her at all. She may be too vocal, but it's her way of coping.

Finally, I get to my point. I'm getting married in 5 months and of course my sister will be there. She won't come if my parents are there, so my parents aren't invited. They don't even know about my wedding. I don't want them to know. I can't be around them either. I'm alright with them not being apart of my life--I've come to terms with the fact that I won't ever have a normal family when it comes to my parentage.

But my main grievance is that I also invited my grandparents, who now say they probably won't come because my sister will be there. I'm heartbroken that they would choose my abusive, crazy parents over my sister and I. They even push to have my parents included in the event. They just want me to put up with my parents behavior, continue to have a superficial relationship, and keep quite about the abuse of the past because I can't change what happened and blood is blood.

They say that after my sister cutting my parents out of her life, my not including them in my wedding could push them over the edge to where they might kill themselves. And my grandparents are completely oblivious to how manipulative that statement is or even how that situation would be if it were true. They say you only get one set of parents. I know that, but I'm so much better and so much more happy without them in my life. I don't understand why they would want me to stay in a relationship that is damaging. I would choose a healthy life over blood any time. I don't have to be dragged down my family and I've chosen not to be. I'm a "bare-minimum daughter": cards on holidays, text every handful of months, a call maybe 3 times a year. No more than what is necessary to keep them from attacking me like they did my sister.

I wish I had another life. I wish I had another family. I wish I never met these people who claim to be my 'family'. I have my own family and they love me. I don't need blood ties to make me happy.

My sister is coming to my wedding. I probably won't even send my invitation to my grandparents now, and I'm crushed and bit in shock over the whole situation. I love them so much. I should have realized they would be pick their daughter over me and my sister, but it doesn't alleviate the pain. I have no one on my side except my sister now. But I will fight tooth and nail for her. Fuck everyone else.

I'm just sick of hiding all the time. But I'm not one of the lucky people who can come out, I suppose. My parents foundation is too unstable and irrational for that luxury, but that's alright. I don't need them. I will just go on pretending I don't come from anywhere in particular. My life started when I was 22 and has no past. It's so much better that way. Not as demented or dirty. It's so much happier and healthy that way. I can actually breath now. So fuck 'em. I'm happy with my life.
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11-09-2017, 11:08 AM
RE: Messed up family rant. Just need to talk it out.
Good for you!

You get to set the rules for your own wedding. If that's not acceptable to some people, too bad for them.
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11-09-2017, 11:26 AM
RE: Messed up family rant. Just need to talk it out.
Don't think of the following as advice (because this is a situation where I clearly lack the perspective to give any meaningful advice)

When reading your post, I asked myself what this would look like from your grandparents perspective. They are parents too. If they believe that attending your wedding would bring harm or potential harm to their child and their child-in-law, it is easier to see why they might prefer to simply stay out of it. Yes this causes you grief too, but this may mean that they believe you are stronger than your parents and that you can handle their decision. It is still a "blood is thicker than water" decision because they are choosing not to participate in something they see as potentially divisive between themselves and their child and child-in-law.

And yes, clearly it is manipulative on your parents part if they have given the perception that they may result to self-harm in such a situation. This is a completely irrational and disturbing position that they have placed people in who are close to them.

We don't have much contact with my Father-in-law (FiL) because of his manipulative tendencies, and we no longer have any communication with the mother-in-law (FiL and MiL are divorced) and one of the sister-in-laws (SiL) over very similar issues regarding mental health, manipulation, and abusive relationships (emotional). And we have had some of my wife's relatives side with the MiL and SiL because of this too, thereby damaging our relationships with them (primarily my wife's, obviously because I am only a recent addition to the family relatively speaking). It sucks that manipulative and mentally unhealthy people are sometimes so effective at creating problems and division, but that is a reality we have to face I guess. What we take from it is this, if it requires obvious manipulation and lies in order to get people to side with you (out of fear or because they genuinely believe them), it will eventually backfire. Mentally unhealthy people can't keep up their charades forever.

Being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets
-Rick
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