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28-09-2014, 02:37 PM
During my and my wife's honey moon we conceived. That was about ten weeks ago. We went into the doctor for our second check up and found out something had gone wrong. My wife's body still thinks she is pregnant but there is no baby in there.

I guess as much as thirty percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. I didn't know that before.

I am in a pretty dark place. but my wife is having a much harder time than I am. My wife already suffers from a depressive personality disorder. She had even more invested in this than I did. She is getting better, but it has, and continues to be, really hard on her. Especially because her body hasn't adapted yet. She still feels pregnant, because all the hormones in her body are still elevated and firing off. In time the womb will pass, and there will be a lot of blood and cramping - like a heavy period.

She reached out on Etsy, of all places, and she had someone message her about their own miscarriage and offer her condolences. If the statistics are true many woman experience this at least one time in their life, but they never talk about it. She feels pretty alone. I don't have any experience with it. My parents and my friends are all there and trying to be supportive. I don't feel like there is much to say that I didn't already say to myself almost immediately after it happened. It is pretty common. We are young. We can try again. Next time should be better. It is good to look to the future but it doesn't make it any better now.

Just needed to get this out there. No one has said it yet, but I am sure someone will mention god or heaven or whatever eventually. I won't have to hear that here, so that's nice.

Feeling a lot of emotions. I ended up writing a poem today. Its kind of a bummer, so if you don't want to feel uncomfortable... well then you probably shouldn't have clicked on this thread I guess.

Dear baby,
We took your first picture today.
A little white spot, no bigger than a grain of rice
Everyone wants to know more about you...
Somedays I imagine you're a girl, with pretty hair and a pretty smile,
My daughter-
Sometimes I imagine you're a boy, with a face like my face. Eyes like my eyes.
My son -
I think I would be happy with both.

Dear baby,
We picked out a name for you today,
Jude, like the beatles song.
We don't know that you're a boy, it's true.
We have more names, if you're a girl, but I like this one.
I'll sing it to you all the time, I promise.
"Hey Jude, don't make it bad..."
I'm sure you will grow to hate it. That will make me laugh.
I can't wait to see your face.

Dear baby,
We got you a baby book today.
The first thing to go in it is your first picture.
All these blank pages,
Lock of hair, first tooth, first birthday,
So much to look forward too.
Once these were my memories,
I had my own book once.
Soon you will have yours.
I'll watch you, as my parents watched me.
I know who I am now -

Dear baby,
We were supposed to get your second picture today.
You were too tiny to hear a heartbeat the first time. You should be bigger now,
the size of a raspberry, the baby books say.
The nurse presses the instrument against your mother's belly
Searching. Looking. Not finding.
Where are you sweet child? Are you hiding?
We laugh. It's cute. Everything is so cute. And innocent.
And naive.
She keeps searching, but we still can't find you.
It's not cute anymore. Come out, sweet child. Let us see you.
Let us hear your beating heart.
Let us see you. In the womb. Alive. As you should be.

The doctor comes in. She searches. Nothing.
Perhaps something was wrong with the sperm.
Perhaps something we wrong with the egg.
It is common, she says.
18% of all pregnancies.
Doesn't mean anything about your fertility.
There is still a placenta. Your body doesn't know.
(She tells me wife with practiced certainty).
In a few weeks the placenta will pass. It will be like a heavy period.
I place my hand on her stomach like I had so many times before.
How many times had a done this without knowing?
Knowing that it was just her under my hand?
Knowing that it was dead.

Dear fetus,
I heard your song on the radio today.
"Dear Jude, don't make it bad"
I cried with your mother.
I left to go get food. Still have to eat.
I cried by myself in the car.

Dear fetus,
We threw out your baby book today.
The coffee mugs and the greeting cards.
The book we bought for first time fathers.
Not me anymore.

Dear fetus,
I looked again at your first picture today,
The only picture of you we will ever get.
Just a white speck on a black background. No bigger than a grain of rice.
Your mother carries around your tomb still, inside her body.
You barely lived but there are reminders of you everywhere.
I thought I was a father... and now I know I'm not.
The future was scary when you came into the world,
but now it is so much more frightening without you.

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28-09-2014, 03:00 PM
RE: Miscarriage
That's rough. I'm so sorry the two of you are going through this.

Grief Beyond Belief is good resource for us secular folk who have experience or are experiencing loss. They have helpful links and a discussion forum that bars religious/spiritual/pseudoscientific content, which is nice since it's hard to get away from that out in the real wold.

I'm just thinking out loud.
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28-09-2014, 03:19 PM
RE: Miscarriage
I am so sorry for your loss. Miscarriages are hard to deal with. Hug

Swing with me a while, we can listen to the birds call, we can keep each other warm.
Swing with me forever, we can count up every flower, we can weather every storm.
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28-09-2014, 03:49 PM
RE: Miscarriage
Really sorry to hear that - if there's anything we can do - please ask.

"Name me a moral statement made or moral action performed that could not have been made or done, by a non-believer..." - Christopher Hitchens

My youtube musings: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfFoxbz...UVi1pf4B5g
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28-09-2014, 04:02 PM
RE: Miscarriage
That's tough place to be in, I know. Condolences to you and your wife. Time will ease the grief, meanwhile just be there for her.

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
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28-09-2014, 04:12 PM
RE: Miscarriage
I'm so very sorry Michael Hug it is pretty common, that first trimester is a scary time. I had a miscarriage a couple of years ago as well. It's true that it's such a painful and personal thing that you just don't hear about it much. It wasn't until I had mine that many people came to me with their own stories. It did help me feel less alone.

I hope you two don't throw out all of the baby stuff you had. I know it seems impossible to imagine right now, but you'll be happy to have it down the road after you've been able to grieve for a while. I've still got a sonogram picture of our little one on the fridge. I like to see it every once in a while and remember. One day, maybe when I'm pregnant again, I'll take it down. You two will also want to try again eventually, and you can still use those books.

Just be there for each other right now, and grieve at your own pace. Pm me if you need anything. Heart Hug

I hope that the world turns, and things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. - V for Vendetta
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28-09-2014, 04:18 PM
RE: Miscarriage
I've been through it a couple times. I'm sorry for loss you and your wife feel.

To suggest it gets easier, sounds so trite -- but it really does.

Your poem made me weepy.

Hug and Hug for your wife.

But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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28-09-2014, 05:36 PM
RE: Miscarriage
I am sorry you and your wife are going through this.

Be good to each other.
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28-09-2014, 05:55 PM
RE: Miscarriage

We have enough youth. How about looking for the Fountain of Smart?
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28-09-2014, 06:06 PM
RE: Miscarriage
Hooked as "Dear baby".

Blubbing at "Father".

Damn! That was powerful!

I have only ever met one person calling themselves Jude... short for Judith. A very beautiful lady with an impish sense of humour.

I have a feeling that the song will haunt you for a long while yet. But in decades to come, you will hear it on the car radio or in the background while christmas shopping and it will remind you of the time long before your first child was born ... that time of anguish and suffering that, in adversity, brought you and your wife so much closer together. You will hear the song and smile, remembering how far you have travelled and who you have travelled with.


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