Mom, do you have a boyfriend?
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
05-02-2015, 11:34 AM (This post was last modified: 05-02-2015 01:01 PM by Mr. Boston.)
RE: Mom, do you have a boyfriend?
I think you're asking for advice on what to do here. I have one son and another one on the way. If my wife and I got divorced or she died and I was looking for a new potential partner I don't think I'd let it get to the point where I was considering living with that person unless I knew damn well beyond the shadow of a doubt that she was not only TRUSTWORTHY, but also good with kids, and enthusiastic about being a parental figure/role model, and that my kids were enthusiastic about having her in their lives. If you're serious enough about this guy to consider co-habiting with him, your kids deserve not only to be informed about it, but his relationship with THEM should be a major factor in whether or not you go through with it. Does he WANT to meet your kids? I can understand the impulse to keep a relationship sort of hush hush until you have a pretty good inkling that you're serious about each other. But if it was me, I wouldn't get serious with anyone that wasn't 100% excited to get to know my kids and be in their lives.

I think one of the MANY things we give up in life when we have children is the privilege of dating whomever we please without being very thoughtful and realistic about the risks involved and the potential impact to the kids if it all falls apart. If I found myself in the unfortunate situation of being without my wife, any new partner that might come along would have to pass the test of whether or not their inclusion in MY family was going to be beneficial to ALL involved. If not, then sorry hypothetical lady, hit the bricks! That's my $.02 anyway.

Your relationship with your parents is sort of a separate and secondary issue.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 6 users Like Mr. Boston's post
05-02-2015, 11:55 AM
RE: Mom, do you have a boyfriend?
This is a difficult subject. One that depends on the nature of your relationship with those close to you. How do your kids define "boyfriend?" Will this be threatening to them or will they accept that you have someone special in your life that isn't their father? How does your boyfriend feel about the whole thing? Is he okay with living in a "vacuum" with you, outside of your other relationships? Are you okay with that? From personal experience, I can tell you this has the potential to seriously damage a relationship.
The truth, in my opinion, is always the best, though not always the most comfortable thing to begin with. I have been through something eerily similar in my own life, and can go on for a long time talking about it, but as I am not you, my own experience is simply that... and I can't begin to know what the other variables at play are. I hope you find what is best for you and your family!
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like tln88's post
05-02-2015, 12:57 PM
RE: Mom, do you have a boyfriend?
Okay, I need to go into more detail it seems. I am already regretting having written this thread because, well... I just am.

But that aside.

I obviously am going to tell my children about my boyfriend. The question is, is it okay for me to hold off on it just a bit longer until I move out of my parents' place? Or do I just need to "man up" as it were and not worry about what my parents will say?

Again, my children will know about my boyfriend. I have no plans whatsoever to keep it from them forever. That would just be stupid. They do need to know and I will tell them. But is it prudent to tell them now when it could cause a stir with my parents whom I am still living with? That is the question.

Moving on (and I will likely regret typing all of this and might lose friends/respect, etc.)...

My ideas about parenting pretty much mean that most women and most people for that matter will see me as a bad mother. I do not believe it is good to center one's life around their children. Yes, when kids come along, one should make sure they are fed and clothed and have their basic emotional needs met. Yes, when kids come along, it's probably a good idea not to be partying around or frittering away your money because, you know, you've got little people dependent on you.

But when you put yourself to such a backburner that you can't even decide for yourself who it is you would like to spend your romantic time with without running it by your kids first, I think it has gone too far. Let us say that Jane, a hypothetical mother, is divorced (or widowed or whatever the case may be) and feels that she is ready to date again. She meets Man A and really really likes him but when Junior finds out, he is mad and just simply doesn't want mom dating. Maybe he is scared that she will no longer spend time with him. Whatever the reason, nothing wrong with his being scared and mom should reassure him with words and actions that she is not going anywhere and is not abandoning him. She is just bringing someone new into things. If after all these things the kid still objects does that mean mom should ditch this guy who's really compatible with her and with whom she can see a future? If she doesn't ditch him, is she a shit mom? Let's say that she does ditch him and then meets Man B who is not as compatible with her but her kids love him. Is she then right to have a relationship with this guy mainly on the basis of her kids liking and getting along with him? What happens when Junior leaves the house and she finds herself with someone whom she's not all that compatible with and can't see herself with long-term?

My opinions are not at all popular. I realize this. And many, as I said, will call me a bad mother. But I have seen firsthand what it means to be raised by an overprotective parent who tries to shield their child from every possible hurt. It is not possible. It is an illusion to think that you can protect your child from all emotional pain. This DOES NOT mean you should stomp all over your kids feelings and neglect them or anything like that but it just seems that so many folks these days have this child-centric mentality and I personally do not think that is good either, for various reasons. (I can elaborate on these reasons but I won't go into it at present as my lunch break is almost over)

Anyway, I am going to duck now. Unsure Confused

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Escape Artist's post
05-02-2015, 01:22 PM
RE: Mom, do you have a boyfriend?
Hey Escape Artist,

Only you can really know for sure if the potential fallout with your parents NOW is worth telling them. It seems to me this is all going to come to a head very soon anyway. Without knowing them I guess I'd look at it objectively that they're going to have the same problems about you "living in sin" with this guy, and about him not being a good ol' boy, no matter when they find out. Are they the type of people who would also hold it against you for "keeping secrets" or withholding information? If so what advantage is there to be had by delaying the inevitable? Again, you know them, I obviously don't.

I also agree completely that you can't "put yourself on the backburner" for your kids' sake. You're not gonna be as good a mother as you could be if you're denying your own happiness because it might "protect" them. You deserve companionship. That doesn't make you a bad mother at all. Does your whole family need to know every time you go out on a few casual dates with someone or, heaven forbid, hook up with some guy? No. But I do think there's a significant difference between spending casual romantic time with someone on the hush hush, and considering the possibility of living with someone your kids and parents have never met. If I was one of your kids (or parents for that matter) I might wonder what you thought was "wrong" with me that you felt compelled to keep such a big decision, and an important person in your life hidden from me.

Dating someone, spending nights at their place when your kids are with their dad, that's probably fine to keep just between you and the guy. But moving in together, making this person a daily fixture in your kids' lives without them ever having met? I don't know, if I was the kid in that situation, having already gone through my parents' separation, I'd probably feel sort of insulted by the secrecy of it. I'm a child of divorce and I can tell you it makes a kid feel powerless. I'm not saying you need your kids' "permission" for something like this, you are the adult after all, I'm just saying it's gonna be tough if it takes until after you've already moved in together before it becomes obvious that Rev and your kids don't get along, or that he's not cut-out for this role, etc. And from the perspective of the guy in this situation, I don't think I'd be very confident in a relationship with a woman who was keeping me a secret. I also would NEVER move in with someone unless I had met their parents and kids - at the very least to get a sense of whom I'd be inviting into MY life.

But again, all just my opinion as a guy who doesn't know any of you. I admit it's probably not worth much.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Mr. Boston's post
05-02-2015, 01:53 PM
RE: Mom, do you have a boyfriend?
I don't know how old your child is , maybe you mentioned it but I don't recall seeing his or her age. If I were you I'd wouldn't go into details with either your child and I wouldn't tell your parents. You are a grown woman and it's none of their business what boyfriend you have or what you do with your boyfriend. As long as your kid is ok and being taken care of and loved, that's all that matters.

Sometimes the less you say the better things are. I wouldn't tell them until just before I left their house.

"Oh, by the way Mom and Dad......."

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes dancefortwo's post
05-02-2015, 02:10 PM
RE: Mom, do you have a boyfriend?
Oh, I *did* fail to mention my kids ages. My daughter is 13 (will be 14 in May). My son is 9 and will be 10 by the end of this month. My son actually does know my boyfriend (we've chatted on Skype on speakerphone while my son was in the room) and likes him. He just doesn't know that that's my boyfriend. Though, part of me thinks he already knows. He told me once that he thinks "that guy" likes me. Smile

My daughter, though... if she knows anything of him, it's just whatever my son might have said to her. She's usually doing her own thing and is caught up in her own world. So there's work to do yet there.

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
05-02-2015, 03:59 PM
RE: Mom, do you have a boyfriend?
(05-02-2015 02:10 PM)Escape Artist Wrote:  Oh, I *did* fail to mention my kids ages. My daughter is 13 (will be 14 in May). My son is 9 and will be 10 by the end of this month. My son actually does know my boyfriend (we've chatted on Skype on speakerphone while my son was in the room) and likes him. He just doesn't know that that's my boyfriend. Though, part of me thinks he already knows. He told me once that he thinks "that guy" likes me. Smile

My daughter, though... if she knows anything of him, it's just whatever my son might have said to her. She's usually doing her own thing and is caught up in her own world. So there's work to do yet there.

I don't know what it's like to walk in your shoes. There is no way I can know the atmosphere of your life and all the details you live with. But sometimes brevity can give you more power. Sometimes less is more. As long as your parents know that your children, their grandchildren, will be adored, loved and taken care of, as long as this is made clear to them then I would make the break, clean, quick and concise.

Children are flexable and able to adapt to situations as long as they know they are loved, so if you mention a boyfriend to your two children just before you move out, they will be ok. Make sure your boyfriend will be great with your kids too.

Your parents will probably have a lot of difficulties with this though and there is no way it can be avoided. You need to accept that.

This is just my general thoughts on a the situation.

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes dancefortwo's post
05-02-2015, 04:09 PM
RE: Mom, do you have a boyfriend?
(05-02-2015 02:10 PM)Escape Artist Wrote:  Oh, I *did* fail to mention my kids ages. My daughter is 13 (will be 14 in May). My son is 9 and will be 10 by the end of this month. My son actually does know my boyfriend (we've chatted on Skype on speakerphone while my son was in the room) and likes him. He just doesn't know that that's my boyfriend. Though, part of me thinks he already knows. He told me once that he thinks "that guy" likes me. Smile

My daughter, though... if she knows anything of him, it's just whatever my son might have said to her. She's usually doing her own thing and is caught up in her own world. So there's work to do yet there.

You might consider that the sooner everyone knows about Rev, the longer everyone has to adjust to the idea.

Dumping it on everyone at the last moment may have unwanted effects.

P.S. And I think your parental attitude is fine.

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
[Image: flagstiny%206.gif]
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 4 users Like Chas's post
05-02-2015, 04:45 PM
RE: Mom, do you have a boyfriend?
Thanks everybody, for weighing in on this. It means a lot to me.

Hugs for Chas, too. Hug

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
05-02-2015, 05:32 PM
RE: Mom, do you have a boyfriend?
It sounds like your son already knows about the new woman in his dad's life and that may be why he is asking if you have a boyfriend.

I think it may be best to say that you have met someone you are interested in and let things go from there. You don't have to disclose right away that Rev is moving to be with you and all the other details.

As for later, you have to be happy and be a good mom. It's one thing to try to be respectful of your parents but you don't have to let them dictate your adult life.

So maybe they won't like Rev - they aren't in a relationship with him, you are. And yeah, the Yankee thing sucks when you move south and the 'I am not a county boy' thing will be a hurdle. The bottom line has to be that if you and Rev are happy and can provide a stable home environment for the kids and be able to co-parent with your ex, the rest of it can work itself out or get out of the way.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like Anjele's post
Post Reply
Forum Jump: