Mom's imaginary friend more important than her son
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19-03-2016, 03:00 PM
Mom's imaginary friend more important than her son
A little background. I'm gay and an atheist. I've never come out as atheist (deconverted in 2011), although a few friends know. I came out as gay to some of my friends in 2006 and to my parents in 2007. My dad was fine with it, my mom didn't take it well due to her conservative Christian beliefs.

Fast forward to today. I've been with my now husband for over seven years and we are approaching our first anniversary of our marriage. We have been in our house, about 25 minutes from my parents, for 2.5 years. My mom has yet to set foot in it. Dad has visited several times and my relationship with him is fine. My relationship with my mom has been on the rocks for quite sometime, because of her attitude towards me being gay.

Recently, I visited my parents at their house after not visiting for a long time, to see my dad. I confronted mom about not visiting me, although she lives relatively close. She said she couldn't visit my house because she would be "condoning [my] choice" (of being gay and happy?) and that she couldn't do that. She is set in her interpretation of the Bible of homosexuality being wrong and a sin. She has to satisfy "the most high" (what's she taken to call her deity lately) above all. I told her I felt angry and hurt by her decision, and she said she also felt hurt by my "decisions". I let her know that our relationship with on bad footing and that that was her choice, her doing.

I realized she values her relationship with her imaginary friend more than her relationship with me, her only son.
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19-03-2016, 03:53 PM (This post was last modified: 19-03-2016 11:29 PM by DLJ.)
RE: Mom's imaginary friend more important than her son
Welcome to TTA.

I can't resist the flippant answer...

Leviticus 18:22 KJV
"Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it [is] abomination."

Can't you just explain to your mum that to lie with a woman is the furthest thing from your mind and you couldn't possibly lie with a woman as you would with your husband?

Because:
a) women have women-bits which are just icky
b) it would be a breach of your marriage contract
c) back then, the authors of that wonderful text considered women to be property of men - so obviously you wouldn't treat them the same in bed as man (who would be your equal and deserving of respect).

More seriously ... kudos to your dad.

Despite my flippancy above, I'm not suggesting that you could try to help your mum reinterpret the text... ain't gonna happen.

I think you'll just have to accept that she is a victim (of her upbringing and conditioning) and try to build bridges in other ways.

You going to see her was the right move. I'm hoping that your partner is supportive of that and does not see it as a 'her or me' thing (which would be understandable btw).

If so, you married the right guy. Nice one.

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19-03-2016, 04:00 PM
RE: Mom's imaginary friend more important than her son
(19-03-2016 03:00 PM)felipesnark Wrote:  A little background. I'm gay and an atheist. I've never come out as atheist (deconverted in 2011), although a few friends know. I came out as gay to some of my friends in 2006 and to my parents in 2007. My dad was fine with it, my mom didn't take it well due to her conservative Christian beliefs.

Fast forward to today. I've been with my now husband for over seven years and we are approaching our first anniversary of our marriage. We have been in our house, about 25 minutes from my parents, for 2.5 years. My mom has yet to set foot in it. Dad has visited several times and my relationship with him is fine. My relationship with my mom has been on the rocks for quite sometime, because of her attitude towards me being gay.

Recently, I visited my parents at their house after not visiting for a long time, to see my dad. I confronted mom about not visiting me, although she lives relatively close. She said she couldn't visit my house because she would be "condoning [my] choice" (of being gay and happy?) and that she couldn't do that. She is set in her interpretation of the Bible of homosexuality being wrong and a sin. She has to satisfy "the most high" (what's she taken to call her deity lately) above all. I told her I felt angry and hurt by her decision, and she said she also felt hurt by my "decisions". I let her know that our relationship with on bad footing and that that was her choice, her doing.

I realized she values her relationship with her imaginary friend more than her relationship with me, her only son.

Her imaginary friend is safe - he is whatever she imagines him to be.

You, on the other hand, are not safe to love. If she loves you, it causes her inner conflict. She is trying to distance herself...

Like so many deeply religious people, she is insecure and fragile and holds on to the belief for safety and stability.

You can only pull that carpet out from under her if she has a soft place to fall.....

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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19-03-2016, 04:07 PM
RE: Mom's imaginary friend more important than her son
I never would have believed I'd have said this as a kid --- but congratulations to you and your husband, dude.....


....

I grew up, probably like your mother --- in a world where gays were known as homos, and considered something to the left of NAZIS as far as social acceptability.

....

Times change.

I didn't all at once -- it took 7 years of living on the west coast to figure out that there where people -- damned good people -- who lived contrary to what I'd been brought up to believe.....

But -- logic won. I figured it out --- not everybody is the same -- nor should they be..... How fucking boring would that be???

....

Your mom probably has been too insulated --- and simply hasn't met enough people of different persuasions yet. Give her time.....

I've got a neighbor -- in his 80's - who's daughter is lesbian --- and he disowned her when he found out..... That was years ago...... He now realizes how fucked up his attitude was -- and now welcomes her (humbly) and her wife -- and their kids -- into his home....... Good people generally, given the time, figure out that they're wrong about shit.......

Hang in there. It's likely to get better, and easier as time goes on....

.......................................

The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
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19-03-2016, 06:04 PM
RE: Mom's imaginary friend more important than her son
Biker's right...some people will come around in time.

My cousin is a lesbian and it was a struggle for my aunt, who is Catholic, to accept. After a couple of long-term relationships my cousin met her now wife. My aunt said that once she saw how happy they were together she knew there was no choice but to be happy for them.

The best thing you can do is to live your life and leave the door open for you mother to walk through when/if she is ready. Understand that she fears what she doesn't understand and what she has been told is 'wrong'.

Agreed - kudos to your dad.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
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19-03-2016, 06:12 PM
RE: Mom's imaginary friend more important than her son
My daughter after 2 man woman marriages married a woman this time. Her mother my ex finds it horrible and sickening etc... But does visit. I don't know why she talks about our daughter and her female husband in that manner, but she still does. Daughter and Her woman have been together since 1999. Married a lot more recently.
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19-03-2016, 06:25 PM
RE: Mom's imaginary friend more important than her son
Welcome! Smile

Congrats on your happy marriage! Heart

Sorry your mom is so afraid she can't love you as you both deserve. Sad

My idea would be to love her as much as you can and visit her while being kind, tolerant and forgiving As long as she's not being cruel or vicious try to ride it out. She may come around.

There is one other thing... have you tried talking with her pastor/minister/priest? Some peoples interpretation of what others say or do gets misconstrued. Go directly to her religious leadership and at least try to mend the relationship through the source of discontent. You never know until you try.

Good luck. Smile

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19-03-2016, 07:06 PM
RE: Mom's imaginary friend more important than her son
Hello! Big Grin

Sorry to hear. Lots of advice above.

Hug
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19-03-2016, 07:31 PM
RE: Mom's imaginary friend more important than her son
Quote:I realized she values her relationship with her imaginary friend more than her relationship with me, her only son.


You have figured it out. Here's the part you have yet to deal with.

You can't change her. She's happier with delusion than reality.

Atheism is NOT a Religion. It's A Personal Relationship With Reality!
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19-03-2016, 07:35 PM
RE: Mom's imaginary friend more important than her son
(19-03-2016 03:00 PM)felipesnark Wrote:  A little background. I'm gay and an atheist. I've never come out as atheist (deconverted in 2011), although a few friends know. I came out as gay to some of my friends in 2006 and to my parents in 2007. My dad was fine with it, my mom didn't take it well due to her conservative Christian beliefs.

Fast forward to today. I've been with my now husband for over seven years and we are approaching our first anniversary of our marriage. We have been in our house, about 25 minutes from my parents, for 2.5 years. My mom has yet to set foot in it. Dad has visited several times and my relationship with him is fine. My relationship with my mom has been on the rocks for quite sometime, because of her attitude towards me being gay.

Recently, I visited my parents at their house after not visiting for a long time, to see my dad. I confronted mom about not visiting me, although she lives relatively close. She said she couldn't visit my house because she would be "condoning [my] choice" (of being gay and happy?) and that she couldn't do that. She is set in her interpretation of the Bible of homosexuality being wrong and a sin. She has to satisfy "the most high" (what's she taken to call her deity lately) above all. I told her I felt angry and hurt by her decision, and she said she also felt hurt by my "decisions". I let her know that our relationship with on bad footing and that that was her choice, her doing.

I realized she values her relationship with her imaginary friend more than her relationship with me, her only son.

This is why I hate liberal atheists and liberal theists trying to equate atheists who say "fuck you bigot" as being the same as being a bigot. Or, you are just as "militant" as the fundies.

She is family so dealing with that is hard. Nobody can tell you how to deal with it, and only you can gauge your tolerance level. Having said that, you still have to understand that is her baggage and not yours. No matter how much you may love someone, they don't have a right to treat you like a doormat. You are not broken no matter how much she wants to believe it. What you represent to her is a threat to her ego. She has spent so much time convincing herself and having like minded people give her that conformation bias, she has no clue how much she is hurting you.

I blame society for pumping that garbage into her head and she is missing out on a well adjusted family. Half of all heterosexual marriages end in divorce, and you seem like yours will last longer than mine did at 3 years.

You know you are not doing anything wrong. So no matter how you chose to deal with it, if you love her and it is tolerable then don't risk a complete shut down with the rest of your family. But never let yourself get to the point of feeling guilty. Sad for her that she cant see what she is denying herself, but don't feel guilty about you.

Poetry by Brian37(poems by an atheist) Also on Facebook as BrianJames Rational Poet and Twitter Brianrrs37
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