Mom's imaginary friend more important than her son
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19-03-2016, 08:25 PM
RE: Mom's imaginary friend more important than her son
Thanks all for the kind replies and advice. I agree that my dad is great.

I want to leave the door open to my mom to come around. I hope she does. I am not sure how to go forward/what to do on my end. My invitations to come over the last couple of years have been declined. Even when my husband and I visited my parents' house, she would usually busy herself with housework (laundry, cooking, cleaning) during most of our visit, leaving us to hang out with Dad. For that reason, until this recent visit, I hadn't gone over in awhile.

I tried to find out about her group/denomination, and I think they call themselves "Gathers of Christ" or something like that. What I could find online showed they were quite conservative towards homosexuality. I am not really interested in seeking out any leader from her group.
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20-03-2016, 07:12 AM
RE: Mom's imaginary friend more important than her son
(19-03-2016 03:00 PM)felipesnark Wrote:  I confronted mom about not visiting me, although she lives relatively close. She said she couldn't visit my house because she would be "condoning [my] choice" (of being gay and happy?) and that she couldn't do that.

Perhaps you should point out to her that the Bible doesn't teach that visiting someone's house is condoning his lifestyle. Jesus often condemned the religious leaders for their hypocrisy but there were times he accepted their invitations to have meals at their homes. Tell your mother that she should follow his example.

If you believed there was a God, wouldn't you put him first in your life, even ahead of your family? If so, you shouldn't criticize your mother for doing the same thing.

The information in ancient libraries came from real minds of real people. The far more complex information in cells came from the far more intelligent mind of God.
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20-03-2016, 07:59 AM
RE: Mom's imaginary friend more important than her son
(19-03-2016 03:00 PM)felipesnark Wrote:  A little background. I'm gay and an atheist. I've never come out as atheist (deconverted in 2011), although a few friends know. I came out as gay to some of my friends in 2006 and to my parents in 2007. My dad was fine with it, my mom didn't take it well due to her conservative Christian beliefs.

Fast forward to today. I've been with my now husband for over seven years and we are approaching our first anniversary of our marriage. We have been in our house, about 25 minutes from my parents, for 2.5 years. My mom has yet to set foot in it. Dad has visited several times and my relationship with him is fine. My relationship with my mom has been on the rocks for quite sometime, because of her attitude towards me being gay.

Recently, I visited my parents at their house after not visiting for a long time, to see my dad. I confronted mom about not visiting me, although she lives relatively close. She said she couldn't visit my house because she would be "condoning [my] choice" (of being gay and happy?) and that she couldn't do that. She is set in her interpretation of the Bible of homosexuality being wrong and a sin. She has to satisfy "the most high" (what's she taken to call her deity lately) above all. I told her I felt angry and hurt by her decision, and she said she also felt hurt by my "decisions". I let her know that our relationship with on bad footing and that that was her choice, her doing.

I realized she values her relationship with her imaginary friend more than her relationship with me, her only son.

Firstly, welcome.

Secondly, congratulations on meeting someone that you love and loves you back.

Thirdly, I probably can't help your mum come to terms with who you are. I don't know your mum and I don't understand human emotions. They are a complete mystery to me. I don't know that much about the bible and what jesus supposedly did and said either. Damn it, I sure am one sorry ass. However, as far as I know, jesus didn't tell your mum, or anyone else for that matter, to hate gays and refuse to go to their homes. You could tell her this and see what she says. Yes, she could quote Leviticus 18:22 and that's the problem with the bible. It contradicts itself all the time. It says in one place: 'An eye for and eye' and yet, in another place it says 'turn the other cheek' so what are you supposed to do? There's little wonder that christians are confused souls.

So, what do you do when one part of the bible says do X and another part says do Y? Fortunately this is easy. One does as the military does. When a soldier is faced with conflicting orders, he obeys the last legal order. As far as I know, jesus is only talked about in the four gospels and they, as far as all of the books in the bible are concerned, were written last. Therefore, your mum should do as jesus would do and not as Leviticus demands.

I don't think the above will work for one minute. If it does, fine. If not, all is not lost. What you are trying to do here is get your mum to think for herself and to reach her own conclusion rather than listen to what some self-contradictory bronze age book tells her to do.

Good luck.

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20-03-2016, 08:37 AM
RE: Mom's imaginary friend more important than her son
(20-03-2016 07:12 AM)theophilus Wrote:  Perhaps you should point out to her that the Bible doesn't teach that visiting someone's house is condoning his lifestyle. Jesus often condemned the religious leaders for their hypocrisy but there were times he accepted their invitations to have meals at their homes. Tell your mother that she should follow his example.

If you believed there was a God, wouldn't you put him first in your life, even ahead of your family? If so, you shouldn't criticize your mother for doing the same thing.

Part of me feels like I have already made enough of an effort with her and I don't want to beg her to come over as if her presence is some type of prize.

If a god demanded that I basically cut off family members for arbitrary reasons, I would think that that god was a pretty awful character.
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20-03-2016, 09:20 AM
RE: Mom's imaginary friend more important than her son
It's a terrible but familiar situation.

It's great that your dad is loving and accepting towards you, and if he wants you to come visit, IMO that's fine. Your mom can continue to make herself scarce if she likes, and it certainly is possible to leave room for her to make amends at some point. Unfortunately, it's probably the case that any pain that she experiences from shunning you and your spouse is more than compensated for by the congratulations of her religious friends for doing so.

When there's a forced choice between the family I've made for myself and the family I was born into, the made family comes first. (I was not born into a pleasant family, though; my made family is much nicer.) My mother doesn't like my husband or my kid--although not for religious reasons. She only likes me intermittently. She has occasionally expressed a desire to have a relationship with me only. I told her that was not okay because it felt as though I would be betraying the people I love most in the world. The end result of that was her cutting us all off. Her right to make the decision, I didn't fight her about it, just moved on.
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