Mother who abuses emotionally
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27-03-2013, 11:43 AM
RE: Mother who abuses emotionally
(27-03-2013 10:38 AM)Anjele Wrote:  How old are you Chaos? Are you still at home?

Not much will fuck with your head more than the realization that your own mother isn't capable of love...but it happens.

Look online for the book "Toxic Parents". It's an old book but is excellent in helping understand that you aren't the cause of havoc and hate in a screwed up family.

Is you mother dealing with mental illness or addiction? That adds another dimension to things.

Take a breath...you can work your way through this, suicide is not the answer. You need to learn to stop being the whipping boy.

Thanks for your encouragement. At the moment, I'm living alone and my mother is supporting me financially. We had some pretty rough fights so I decided that is better to live alone. I couldn't manage to get a job because is very hard to get a decent one in my country and besides it, I suffer of social phobia and anxiety. So working as a saleswoman would be horrible for me. However, I promised my mom that I will learn programming because I have a passion for computers and she says initially that she respects my decision but then calls to tell how disappointed of me she really is.

My both parents are depressive. At least, my dad doesn't bully me.

Thanks for your recommendation, I'll try to read it.

"The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason." - Benjamin Franklin
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27-03-2013, 11:54 AM
RE: Mother who abuses emotionally
(27-03-2013 11:35 AM)Anjele Wrote:  You write just fine.
Emotionally abusive parents can affect your ability to display and to understand emotions.

I understand emotions really well, many people told me that I could be a very good psychologist... the problem is that I'm not very good at expressing them. There's some sort of blockage that doesn't allow me to express them freely. It feels unnatural. Sometimes I'm afraid that I could make a fool of myself. And I used to be a very cheerful person.

"The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason." - Benjamin Franklin
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22-04-2013, 01:10 AM (This post was last modified: 22-04-2013 01:21 AM by Weeeeee_Zard.)
Mother who abuses emotionally
My mom talked (shouted) to me with insults for the most part (at least what I remember is just crappy mom). She used to hit me a lot, made me bleed a couple of times and took my front teeth off once.

When my parents divorced I had to go live with her and as she was trying to get a boyfriend she decided to kick me out "because she couldn't live with a spy" go figure what that meant... I was 13 and it really messed with my self esteem. When I was 16, I tried to kill myself, and I hurt somebody really badly in a street fight soon after that.

...


She taught me how to not be. I survived, I'm fine. But I need a lot of validation and attention, otherwise I feel worthless.

...

When my son was born and I saw my wife been a mom... A superb rage came from a very painful sadness.

I confronted my mom and told her all what I wanted to say about us. I also told her that I understood why I was distant to her and that I was in peace with such relationship. She didn't apologize.

I asked her to apologize. She did, and told me that forgiving someone else is easier compared to forgiving oneself.

Then compassion came. I try to be good to her although I know I'm broken... But I'm good at fixing stuff! Wink

Chaos, I know how it feels when somebody you want to love you and nurture you does the opposite. But let me tell you, I have somebody that loves me unconditionally and accepts me and wants to cuddle and do good things to me... It's just that my mom wasn't meant to be that person, my mom was meant to teach me to appreciate and crave this love, my wife.

We wouldn't know the light without darkness...

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22-04-2013, 07:41 AM
RE: Mother who abuses emotionally
There is a strong indication that the parents that behave in this way are likely to be suffering with a Personality Disorder of some kind. (there are usually considered to be 10 types of personality disorder). However one would need far more information to be certain.

Often the person with the PD has traits of more than one Personality Disorder.
In these situations it is common that the parent suffers with a Borderline Personality Disorder (also known as Emotionally Unstable Disorder) at times with traits of Narcissistic or/and Dependent Personality etc.

Everybody has some traits to a greater or lesser degree, but usually these do not tend to impact on their life or that of their families or friends.

Unfortunately this is fantastically common, it can have a massive impact on the children of these parents and can effect the child's own personality development and adult life. This is usually in relationship to emotional, psychological, physical, sexual abuse, or of neglect, the experience of not feeling wanted, loved, brought up in an unstable chaotic way. The child or other family members feel as if they are 'Walking on Eggshells' etc....

This is a vast & complex subject, the condition & presentation itself is in constantly flux depending on a plethora of variables. I have worked with this group of people for many years and there is just not two people who present the same, but will be many similarities.

Thankfully there is wealth of information on the web and books. I have suggested several below.

The books:
- 'Stop Walking on egg shell's & 'The Essential Family guide to Borderline Personality Disorder' I highly recommend. These can be a real eye opener, just reading these have made so much sense to people who have read them, knowing they are not the only one's have been through what they have. That this is a well understood and documented subject and it is not the child's fault. The person with the PD is often extremely accomplished at making the other person (the none PD) believe that it is their fault.

It maybe worth having a look at the below just to see if you can identify with what is said.

Helpful sites, BPD Central Oz is specifically for relatives
US - http://www.bpdcentral.com/support-groups/guidelines/
US - http://www.bpdcentral.com
UK-http://www.bpdworld.org
UK http://www.emergenceplus.org.uk

Books:
- The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook
Practical Strategies for Living with Someone Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder
- The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder
- Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-esteem

I hope this is some help
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28-04-2013, 02:27 PM
RE: Mother who abuses emotionally
(27-03-2013 11:43 AM)Chaos Wrote:  I couldn't manage to get a job because is very hard to get a decent one in my country and besides it, I suffer of social phobia and anxiety. So working as a saleswoman would be horrible for me. However, I promised my mom that I will learn programming because I have a passion for computers and she says initially that she respects my decision but then calls to tell how disappointed of me she really is.

Do it! Programming been 'berry 'berry good to me. Check out Coursera and MIT Open Courseware for free training. Thumbsup

(27-03-2013 11:54 AM)Chaos Wrote:  
(27-03-2013 11:35 AM)Anjele Wrote:  You write just fine.
Emotionally abusive parents can affect your ability to display and to understand emotions.

I understand emotions really well, many people told me that I could be a very good psychologist... the problem is that I'm not very good at expressing them. There's some sort of blockage that doesn't allow me to express them freely. It feels unnatural. Sometimes I'm afraid that I could make a fool of myself. And I used to be a very cheerful person.

You sound like that empath Emma from that epsiode of Dr. Who "Hide". "Empaths are the most compassionate and loneliest creatures in the Universe." ... or something like that. ... And yeah, you communicate just fine.

(27-03-2013 11:13 AM)Chaos Wrote:  What creeped me out is that I read somewhere that the lack of affection in the early ages, could make a child retarded. And I do feel retarded sometimes, even though I know that I am not. Not intellectually. But many times I can't express my emotions properly, in spite of being a very emotive person. It's so damn frustrating. I think my parents made me be this way. They were always distant with me and my mom never hugged me.

Your parents' distance no doubt influenced your social development, but in unpredictable ways, where one might go "full introvert", another might opt for "extreme extrovert", don't matter now, but as you point out, sure as shit didn't affect your intellectual development and at this point you are in charge of both.

And it's never too late for hugs. Hug Hug

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31-05-2013, 04:18 AM
RE: Mother who abuses emotionally
(27-03-2013 11:13 AM)Chaos Wrote:  I'm 23 years old, maybe I sound younger because I'm not a native english speaker... at least, I hope so. What creeped me out is that I read somewhere that the lack of affection in the early ages, could make a child retarded. And I do feel retarded sometimes, even though I know that I am not. Not intellectually. But many times I can't express my emotions properly, in spite of being a very emotive person. It's so damn frustrating. I think my parents made me be this way. They were always distant with me and my mom never hugged me.

It's hard to live like that and I empathize with you 100%.

My parents never hugged me either and they're not what I'd call abusive or mean. But they have certain unstable behaviors (using guilt, raging tantrums, silent treatments) and emotional repression has been going on for as long as I can remember. They educated me around scholarship and focused on cultural intelligence more than sociability. I too feel retarded in social situations because people around me assume that I'm doing okay while it's the entire opposite. Not only can't I put words on my emotions, they don't show on my face either because I inherited my parents' habit of repressing them. It's made me sabotage several budding relationships, and at 30 years old I've never known intimacy with anyone. Often times, my mother will accuse me of being a child for being forgetful or not being able to start my own life and family (how could I?) which sinks me even deeper into depression.

It's one of those days right now. Keeping my chin up is hard and patience is key to surviving. I read about emotions and how to manage my emotional reactions (http://www.amazon.com/Emotions-Revealed-...805083391) but without courage, and without support it's extremely hard to apply to everyday life.

I have a job and have been faking being OK for years in order to get by. I try to find distractions every day to avoid another episode. But analysing myself and rationalizing even my most sensitive moments is also putting a distance between myself and my problems, pretending that they're not real. Last week I litterally broke down at work and was so pathetically trying to find excuses for myself and keeping my coworker at arm's length that he couldn't begin to comfort me at all. I was being my mother, scolding myself for being weak in public.

This type of abuse (from the mother or our own selves) is very self-destructive and it's keeping us from seeking help.
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05-06-2013, 03:37 PM
RE: Mother who abuses emotionally
(31-05-2013 04:18 AM)Thanh Wrote:  
(27-03-2013 11:13 AM)Chaos Wrote:  my mom never hugged me.

My parents never hugged me either

Can I just say- this breaks my heart.No


If I ever meet your mothers I'm going to open the biggest can of whoop ass on them Angry Evil_monsterCensoredAngry Are either of them in NC?

As a mom- I can't stand it when my girls are at sleepover because I don't get my morning hug. I just can't imagine. If I ever meet ya- get prepared for one GIANT hug. Heart


p.s. as a side note, we find friends make the best family.

“Happiness is not the absence of problems; it's the ability to deal with them.”
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08-06-2013, 12:17 AM
RE: Mother who abuses emotionally
Although my stomach churned with rage on the child's behalf, I said nothing. After all, I rationalized, the mother would just tell me to mind my own business. But I had no doubt that what I had witnessed was in many ways as bad as a brutal beating. It was emotional child abuse.

"The bruises don't show on the outside, so there are no statistics on how many children are victims," says Dr. Elizabeth Watkins, chief of pediatric primary care at St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital Center in New York City. "But anyone who works with children knows that the problem is widespread."

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08-06-2013, 12:35 AM
RE: Mother who abuses emotionally
I'm not anywhere close to this story. I'm just lurking this thread at the moment and don't mean to interrupt. But the hug thing bothers me.

I'm a man. Shit, I'm a man's man. I like to throw emotion out the window in any situation. A man can't afford to be emotional. Cool

But hugs are essential to emotional homeostasis. Hugs heal. Life without hugs is just pitiful. You can communicate more with a hug than a thousand words, something about it just works. I make my two yr old son carry a hug around in his pocket so that he will always have it ready if I need one.

Hugs all around. Hug

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― نجيب محفوظ, Sugar Street
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08-06-2013, 12:58 AM
RE: Mother who abuses emotionally
My family was beyond fucked up. Lots of mental, physical abuse...

My grandmother was the queen of guilt and more mental abuse.

For years people wondered why I would flinch when someone yelled. I'd become physically ill when people argued around me. Of course I was called a wimp..a baby..

Whatever...

I still have some issues....but I'm light years from where I began.


Wind's in the east, a mist coming in
Like something is brewing and about to begin
Can't put my finger on what lies in store
but I feel what's to happen has happened before...


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