My Big Ole Ugly Backstory
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
19-06-2015, 09:34 AM
My Big Ole Ugly Backstory
Being new here, I thought I would share my story.

I was raised by an atheist mother who also suffers from a personality disorder. I suspect narcissism but I don't know for sure and her therapist won't disclose anything beyond a deep seated personality disorder. I used to be so envious of my Christian friends who had such loving families. My parents divorced when I was four. My dad was an alcoholic and became a quadriplegic from a driving related accident. I was afraid of him and we didn't have a relationship until later in life when he was sober.

I married an abuser and became a Christian when I was 27. I went all in. I homeschooled my kids, teaching them young earth creationism and how to speak in tongues. My church was aware of the abuse. I was given books to read like, "Me? Obey him?" I was told that my gentle and quiet spirit would convert my husband. Submit and make my home a house any man would want to come home to.

Eventually the abuse got bad enough that the kids and I ran from the house with just the clothes on our backs. My ex did everything he could to turn the kids against me. They got into legal trouble and my youngest son died from a drug-induced asthma attack. He was 17. My church told me it was my fault.

Today I am remarried to another atheist. He is my best friend.

It is far easier to accept that my son is gone as an atheist. We construct these pretty sounding fairly tales to avoid facing the ugly reality of life.

Having said that, it has been over four years and it feels like I will never stop grieving. I really don't want to be one of those people that is never the same and I feel powerless to stop it. I have always been a weeble. I wobble but I don't fall down. I got up after the abuse. I got up after I was diagnosed with my autoimmune disease. I just can't seem to get up from this one. I am afraid that I am down for the count this time. And that terrifies me. And after what happened with my church, I don't break in front of people anymore. Which is why I am using an assumed name to pour my heart out to total strangers online.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 8 users Like ThatAtheistChick's post
19-06-2015, 09:49 AM
RE: My Big Ole Ugly Backstory
The Catholics think confession is good because of the god thingie -----

wrong....

It's just good to vent.

And

You almost always find other people who have been through the same thing - and survived, and done well..

That gives you hope, and an objective.


Hope and an objective beats the "god" bit, every time.

.......................................

The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like onlinebiker's post
19-06-2015, 09:49 AM
RE: My Big Ole Ugly Backstory
(19-06-2015 09:34 AM)ThatAtheistChick Wrote:  Having said that, it has been over four years and it feels like I will never stop grieving. I really don't want to be one of those people that is never the same and I feel powerless to stop it. I have always been a weeble. I wobble but I don't fall down. I got up after the abuse. I got up after I was diagnosed with my autoimmune disease. I just can't seem to get up from this one. I am afraid that I am down for the count this time. And that terrifies me. And after what happened with my church, I don't break in front of people anymore. Which is why I am using an assumed name to pour my heart out to total strangers online.

My sister died in late 2010. Ma still hasn't stopped grieving. I myself... I moved on. My brother moved on, my father... is very hard to read. I am a bit harder now than I was before. A little bit of innocence lost. I still think of her often. But she wouldn't want me to live in sadness just because she's gone. So I try to live my life to the full, and make sure that I tell those I love that I love them... because one day I or they won't be there for me to tell.

Sorry for your loss Heart

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like morondog's post
19-06-2015, 09:53 AM
RE: My Big Ole Ugly Backstory
Wow. That sucks. Glad you got out and are in a better place now. Hug

"If we are honest—and scientists have to be—we must admit that religion is a jumble of false assertions, with no basis in reality.
The very idea of God is a product of the human imagination."
- Paul Dirac
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes The Organic Chemist's post
19-06-2015, 10:32 AM
RE: My Big Ole Ugly Backstory
So glad you learned to embrace your inner strength and not a delusional fairy tale to get yourself through life's obstacles. That strength will carry you forever. Unlike the emotional let down of figuring out the Santa Clause for adults (god) doesn't exist is the beginning of lifelong clarity. As a non believer you can craft conditions in which you will thrive and survive. Sorry to hear of your hardships, happy to hear of your ability to overcome them. Hug

"Belief is so often the death of reason" - Qyburn, Game of Thrones

"The Christian community continues to exist because the conclusions of the critical study of the Bible are largely withheld from them." -Hans Conzelmann (1915-1989)
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
19-06-2015, 11:00 AM
RE: My Big Ole Ugly Backstory
(19-06-2015 09:34 AM)ThatAtheistChick Wrote:  Being new here, I thought I would share my story.

I was raised by an atheist mother who also suffers from a personality disorder. I suspect narcissism but I don't know for sure and her therapist won't disclose anything beyond a deep seated personality disorder. I used to be so envious of my Christian friends who had such loving families. My parents divorced when I was four. My dad was an alcoholic and became a quadriplegic from a driving related accident. I was afraid of him and we didn't have a relationship until later in life when he was sober.

I married an abuser and became a Christian when I was 27. I went all in. I homeschooled my kids, teaching them young earth creationism and how to speak in tongues. My church was aware of the abuse. I was given books to read like, "Me? Obey him?" I was told that my gentle and quiet spirit would convert my husband. Submit and make my home a house any man would want to come home to.

Eventually the abuse got bad enough that the kids and I ran from the house with just the clothes on our backs. My ex did everything he could to turn the kids against me. They got into legal trouble and my youngest son died from a drug-induced asthma attack. He was 17. My church told me it was my fault.

Today I am remarried to another atheist. He is my best friend.

It is far easier to accept that my son is gone as an atheist. We construct these pretty sounding fairly tales to avoid facing the ugly reality of life.

Having said that, it has been over four years and it feels like I will never stop grieving. I really don't want to be one of those people that is never the same and I feel powerless to stop it. I have always been a weeble. I wobble but I don't fall down. I got up after the abuse. I got up after I was diagnosed with my autoimmune disease. I just can't seem to get up from this one. I am afraid that I am down for the count this time. And that terrifies me. And after what happened with my church, I don't break in front of people anymore. Which is why I am using an assumed name to pour my heart out to total strangers online.

It seems like you have gained an extraordinary amount of inner strength from these circumstances. All I can say is wow. You have been through the ringer. My mouth is literally hanging open. I applaud you and please know you can vent here anytime. We are super supportive. I hope you will be able to find solace through everything. Talking about it helps at times. It helped me on the other thread and you responded! So now it's my turn to respond to your story. :-)

**Crickets** -- God
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
19-06-2015, 11:23 AM
RE: My Big Ole Ugly Backstory
My condolences on the loss of your son, You have definitely been through some serious struggles in your life, I'm glad you were able to embrace your own inner strength. Welcome to the forum we are a good group of people. And feel free to vent anytime you will have our support Smile

“We can judge our progress by the courage of our questions and the depth of our answers, our willingness to embrace what is true rather than what feels good.”
― Carl Sagan
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
25-06-2015, 11:11 PM
RE: My Big Ole Ugly Backstory
Thank you all. I am so glad to be here.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like ThatAtheistChick's post
26-06-2015, 12:43 AM
RE: My Big Ole Ugly Backstory
(19-06-2015 09:34 AM)ThatAtheistChick Wrote:  Having said that, it has been over four years and it feels like I will never stop grieving. I really don't want to be one of those people that is never the same and I feel powerless to stop it. I have always been a weeble. I wobble but I don't fall down. I got up after the abuse. I got up after I was diagnosed with my autoimmune disease. I just can't seem to get up from this one. I am afraid that I am down for the count this time. And that terrifies me. And after what happened with my church, I don't break in front of people anymore. Which is why I am using an assumed name to pour my heart out to total strangers online.

Oh, dear, Chick. It ain't the order of things we've been taught, that a parent should bury their child, and my heart goes out to you for having experienced what is our worst nightmare.

I wish I had the magic words to say, but you and I both know I don't. We both know that magic words are empty. The only thing I can say to you is what I told my father's widow after his death: Life is for the living.

I'm pretty goddamned sure I've never been stricken as you have, so perhaps my words are easy, perhaps my talk is cheap -- but I will say it anyway: you will wake up tomorrow. What will you do with that day?
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Thumpalumpacus's post
26-06-2015, 12:41 PM
RE: My Big Ole Ugly Backstory
(19-06-2015 09:34 AM)ThatAtheistChick Wrote:  Being new here, I thought I would share my story.

I was raised by an atheist mother who also suffers from a personality disorder. I suspect narcissism but I don't know for sure and her therapist won't disclose anything beyond a deep seated personality disorder. I used to be so envious of my Christian friends who had such loving families. My parents divorced when I was four. My dad was an alcoholic and became a quadriplegic from a driving related accident. I was afraid of him and we didn't have a relationship until later in life when he was sober.

I married an abuser and became a Christian when I was 27. I went all in. I homeschooled my kids, teaching them young earth creationism and how to speak in tongues. My church was aware of the abuse. I was given books to read like, "Me? Obey him?" I was told that my gentle and quiet spirit would convert my husband. Submit and make my home a house any man would want to come home to.

Eventually the abuse got bad enough that the kids and I ran from the house with just the clothes on our backs. My ex did everything he could to turn the kids against me. They got into legal trouble and my youngest son died from a drug-induced asthma attack. He was 17. My church told me it was my fault.

Today I am remarried to another atheist. He is my best friend.

It is far easier to accept that my son is gone as an atheist. We construct these pretty sounding fairly tales to avoid facing the ugly reality of life.

Having said that, it has been over four years and it feels like I will never stop grieving. I really don't want to be one of those people that is never the same and I feel powerless to stop it. I have always been a weeble. I wobble but I don't fall down. I got up after the abuse. I got up after I was diagnosed with my autoimmune disease. I just can't seem to get up from this one. I am afraid that I am down for the count this time. And that terrifies me. And after what happened with my church, I don't break in front of people anymore. Which is why I am using an assumed name to pour my heart out to total strangers online.

It's always good to talk about things--to get it out. Sometimes total strangers are the best for that. I'm glad we can be here for you. Heart Maybe joining a support group or talking to a therapist would also be helpful?
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like jennybee's post
Post Reply
Forum Jump: