My Fiancee is Religious

[Peanut]

He doesn't go to church but he wants to start going again. He went to a Christian high school and his mom is Methodist and his father is Catholic. I told him I didn't believe in God when we first started dating three years ago. He said that was cool. It hasn't really been an "issue" the whole time we've been together. I like to ask him questions to see what he thinks about certain aspects of bible stories and such.

This morning, I asked him if he believes in evolution. He says he does but that he believes we grew to evolve after we were "created." I just smiled and nodded my head. I don't ever make fun or say that sounds unbelievable to me. I guess I don't want to start an argument. I feel like he thinks he has the upper hand because he thinks anyone can turn to religion at any time.

I also asked last night if the reason he told me a few days ago that he wishes I will one day grow to believe is because he thinks my soul will go to hell and he will won't see me in Heaven. He replied, yes that sounds right among other things. (Other things he is referring to is that he thinks religion helps people get through tough times and gives them hope.) I can respect those feelings but I just don't see that!

It irritates me because he is so intelligent and amazing. We complement each other so well. As long as religion doesn't come up, we won't argue about it. He said that, too. I told him that it doesn't HAVE to be an argument. I also feel left out because I should be able to talk about how I feel without offending him because I let him say what he wants and I don't get offended. It's a double standard.

Can anyone else relate to this?

[Chas]

(08-02-2013 06:01 PM)59pEaNUt89 Wrote:  He doesn't go to church but he wants to start going again. He went to a Christian high school and his mom is Methodist and his father is Catholic. I told him I didn't believe in God when we first started dating three years ago. He said that was cool. It hasn't really been an "issue" the whole time we've been together. I like to ask him questions to see what he thinks about certain aspects of bible stories and such.

This morning, I asked him if he believes in evolution. He says he does but that he believes we grew to evolve after we were "created." I just smiled and nodded my head. I don't ever make fun or say that sounds unbelievable to me. I guess I don't want to start an argument. I feel like he thinks he has the upper hand because he thinks anyone can turn to religion at any time.

I also asked last night if the reason he told me a few days ago that he wishes I will one day grow to believe is because he thinks my soul will go to hell and he will won't see me in Heaven. He replied, yes that sounds right among other things. (Other things he is referring to is that he thinks religion helps people get through tough times and gives them hope.) I can respect those feelings but I just don't see that!

It irritates me because he is so intelligent and amazing. We complement each other so well. As long as religion doesn't come up, we won't argue about it. He said that, too. I told him that it doesn't HAVE to be an argument. I also feel left out because I should be able to talk about how I feel without offending him because I let him say what he wants and I don't get offended. It's a double standard.

Can anyone else relate to this?

Yes, but I divorced a believer. It wasn't the reason, but it was contributory. We saw the world too differently.

Maybe this works for some people; it doesn't work for me.

[Peanut]

(08-02-2013 06:05 PM)Chas Wrote:  Yes, but I divorced a believer. It wasn't the reason, but it was contributory. We saw the world too differently.

Maybe this works for some people; it doesn't work for me.

I'm hoping we don't go through that. (We don't plan to marry for awhile. We simply say we are going to.) Maybe we can date for another 80 years. Then we will know each other pretty well.

[Misanthropik]

The problem is that, in the long-run, it's the little things that tear a marriage apart. I've heard people legitimately complain about the fact that their husband chews chips ("crisps", depending on where you're from) too loudly. This causes a fight to erupt and doors to be slammed. Then everyone hates each other because of a simple bag of fuckin' chips.

This may not be a serious issue now, but it's enough to make you seek advice. You also mentioned letting him have his say while you remain silent so he doesn't get offended. In time, that will drive you crazy. You'll begin to resent the fact that you don't feel free to speak your mind around him. You'll long for a relationship that allows for such freedom. What's more, you have to consider his side. In time, it may start to drive him crazy that he might not see you in Heaven because you don't believe. It's a silly concern to have - given the lack of an afterlife - but to him, it is very real, and because he loves you, it'll become a genuine fear of his. He wont want to lose you for eternity. And because you don't believe, he may come to resent you because your lack of belief will be taking you away from him while he goes off to Heaven.

For what it's worth, my personal advice would be to date (rather than marry) for as long as possible. There are already cracks in the foundation, and eventually, you'll decide that you can't ignore them anymore. When that happens, you don't want to be in a position that's difficult to get out of if the situation calls for an escape. That'll be difficult for both of you and any kids you may have by then.

Just tread lightly.

[Peanut]

This may not be a serious issue now, but it's enough to make you seek advice. You also mentioned letting him have his say while you remain silent so he doesn't get offended. In time, that will drive you crazy. You'll begin to resent the fact that you don't feel free to speak your mind around him. You'll long for a relationship that allows for such freedom. What's more, you have to consider his side. In time, it may start to drive him crazy that he might not see you in Heaven because you don't believe. It's a silly concern to have - given the lack of an afterlife - but to him, it is very real, and because he loves you, it'll become a genuine fear of his. He wont want to lose you for eternity. And because you don't believe, he may come to resent you because your lack of belief will be taking you away from him while he goes off to Heaven.

For what it's worth, my personal advice would be to date (rather than marry) for as long as possible. There are already cracks in the foundation, and eventually, you'll decide that you can't ignore them anymore. When that happens, you don't want to be in a position that's difficult to get out of if the situation calls for an escape. That'll be difficult for both of you and any kids you may have by then.

Just tread lightly.
[/quote]
I don't even want to get married in a church! And I also like the idea of having a close friend get certified to do the minister part. I don't want any mention of God in my ceremony. He thinks it "has to be in church by a real minister." *Shudder*

Not long ago, we were cuddling before bed and it felt so 'right.' So of course I say, "Do you think God meant for us to be doing this right now?" He replies, "Yeah, kinda." So I say,"Well if that's keeping you here with me, I'm fine with you believing that." (That's pretty much the daily banter we have with each other.)

Having kids with him kinda makes me nervous at times. (I have a kindergartner.) Will I be forced to participate in a baptism? How will I keep from laughing? How will I keep from punching people in the face for thinking my innocent baby is already a sinner and he must be dunked in water?

[Peterkin]

It is a very serious issue. It should be resolved - win, lose or draw - before marriage, and definitely before subjecting children to an 18-year tug-of-war in which they are the rope.
Believers sometimes lose their faith, but unbelievers hardly ever regain theirs, and it would be a constant irritation for both parties. The irritation intensifies after the honeymoon, in daily mundane life under one roof. Perhaps remaining separate and dating is the answer.

Anyway, before making a commitment, lay it all out. Draw up a prenuptial agreement or contract, or covenant - something that assures the rights of, and sets limits to interference by, each party. Especially as regards offspring.

[Logica Humano]

Dating an infidel? I don't see why he is worried about you going to hell.

-Spoken like a true Christian.

[yakherder]

As long as it's just you two enjoying each other's company and having fun but otherwise living your own lives, you might be able to make it work. It's when you start sharing long term goals that the problems arise. Having kids, for example, is a pretty big concern and, unless he either abandons religion or you decide to see the light, I would advise against it. It's hard enough coming to an agreement on issues like discipline, whether or not they should be able to watch T.V., do they sleep in your room or in a separate room or in a crib, etc. But compromise becomes considerably more complicated when religion gets involved.

[kim]

"He doesn't go to church but he wants to start going again."
..... "It hasn't really been an "issue" the whole time we've been together."
You sure?

" he thinks anyone can turn to religion at any time."
Like turning a faucet on or off. That is not faith, that is a utility.

"...he told me a few days ago that he wishes I will one day grow to believe"
Does he tend a garden of wishes where belief grows?

"he thinks my soul will go to hell and he will won't see me in Heaven"
Fear? ... but he seems like a secure guy... or is he just selfish?

"he thinks religion helps people get through tough times and gives them hope."
People help people get through tough times and being together provides hope. Does he find your togetherness a hopeful experience? Do you?

"As long as religion doesn't come up, we won't argue about it. He said that"
Cool. As long as his going to church is his thing only. No discussion with you also means no discussion with your child.

"I should be able to talk about how I feel without offending him because I let him say what he wants"
Does he state that you are offending him when you tell him how you feel?

"It's a double standard"
Yes. It is.
***

Just because someone puts their body parts inside of your body, it does not mean they are putting them in there for you. Maybe they are putting them in there for their self and you are letting them, for your own reasons. But you are a big girl, I'm sure you know that.

At his insistence, you are both obviously not connecting. There is a communication gap in this relationship. Would you let him fill this gap with selfish wishes and fears which belies the security he might seem to provide?

If this is your fiancee? Hmm... maybe as long as marriage doesn't come up, you won't argue about it, either. I can't decide if this is the sarcasm emoticon or not... just seems like the snooty emoticon... either way, I guess.

[Matthew Laramore]

(08-02-2013 06:01 PM)59pEaNUt89 Wrote:  He doesn't go to church but he wants to start going again. He went to a Christian high school and his mom is Methodist and his father is Catholic. I told him I didn't believe in God when we first started dating three years ago. He said that was cool. It hasn't really been an "issue" the whole time we've been together. I like to ask him questions to see what he thinks about certain aspects of bible stories and such.

This morning, I asked him if he believes in evolution. He says he does but that he believes we grew to evolve after we were "created." I just smiled and nodded my head. I don't ever make fun or say that sounds unbelievable to me. I guess I don't want to start an argument. I feel like he thinks he has the upper hand because he thinks anyone can turn to religion at any time.

I also asked last night if the reason he told me a few days ago that he wishes I will one day grow to believe is because he thinks my soul will go to hell and he will won't see me in Heaven. He replied, yes that sounds right among other things. (Other things he is referring to is that he thinks religion helps people get through tough times and gives them hope.) I can respect those feelings but I just don't see that!

It irritates me because he is so intelligent and amazing. We complement each other so well. As long as religion doesn't come up, we won't argue about it. He said that, too. I told him that it doesn't HAVE to be an argument. I also feel left out because I should be able to talk about how I feel without offending him because I let him say what he wants and I don't get offended. It's a double standard.

Can anyone else relate to this?

My fiance is religious, I am not. She's from California and moved to Missouri to live with me, since the move she has not gone to church (which I told her I associate her churchgoing life as being based on company and not worship.) We're the deciding factors of our relationship, not religion and that is what has given us a kinship of grand experience and legacy. She's been on the receiving end of criticism from her uncle for being involved with a non-christian and a non-believer, and it is unfortunate that he is now deceased and I have never had the opportunity to personally meet him to expose the world of true humanity to him. She doesn't threaten me with hellfire or try to convert me because 1: She respects me and my intelligience too much and 2: She knows who wears the pants in the house, in fact she tried once she said "Hey I want to talk to you about God." and I said "Sit down, we're not talking about God, not now or ever. Don't like it, deal with it. Got it?" And she said "Yes." That's how I run my household....