My Mom Has Been Reading My Siblings' and My Message
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09-09-2013, 06:49 AM
RE: My Mom Has Been Reading My Siblings' and My Message
I wouldn't take the pregnant messages route, I know it's funny, but it will only escalate things.

In my experience, parents brake their children's privacy because they can't connect with them, try talking to your mom honestly and calmly, of course she might flip out, but there's a chance she might take it well.

In any case, if she has access to your conversations, you'll want her on your side and honest with you, otherwise you'll just feel you're in a dictatorship. Don't go that way, it can get messy...

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09-09-2013, 07:03 AM
RE: My Mom Has Been Reading My Siblings' and My Message
(08-09-2013 10:51 PM)southernbelle Wrote:  My mom is incredibly religious. She's talked about how it's impossible for atheists to have morals and that in general we're just incredibly sad, hateful people. In 8th grade I kept asking her a ton of questions about Christianity and she eventually figured out I didn't believe and told me I couldn't have morals and told me I was horrible for thinking that my grandma was actually dead and not in heaven.
...

Erm, so the whole teen pregnancy / herpes thing is going to dissuade her of that opinion, how, exactly?

Not a good idea to get into the 'whole immorality of the bible' thing. That will strain the cognitive-dissonance nerves/reflexes. Backing her into a (however well-argued) corner will not get the desired outcome.

I am assuming the desired outcome is acceptance and a harmonious home-life.

You need to get to a point where all parties agree to disagree.

'Cause you ain't gonna convert her.

Of course, you could, in desperation go for "I have two parents. I love you both. You both influence me. Meet dad, reach a consensus of opinion with him first and then I will go with whatever you both decide"
This, in the business of business is called Transferring Risk!

To get to a point to agreeing to disagree, you need to focus on an 'adult-adult' approach and avoid a 'parent-child' situation.
Check this out.... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis

[Image: Crossed_Transaction_in_Transactional_Analysis.jpg]

(08-09-2013 10:44 PM)BryanS Wrote:  Your posts always focus on the practical, DLJ Smile

That's just to disguise the fact that I don't have an empathetic bone in my body

(08-09-2013 10:56 PM)evenheathen Wrote:  Hug

That's all I know.Undecided

See, that's what I shoulda done. Sorry.

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09-09-2013, 06:33 PM
RE: My Mom Has Been Reading My Siblings' and My Message
Yeah, the whole pregnancy thing came from a place of anger and wanting to "get back" at her. But honestly as DLJ and nacho_in said it would only worsen my situation.


(09-09-2013 06:37 AM)BryanS Wrote:  Ahhh...was wondering. Do you live solely with your mother then? If there is any kind of joint custody, you could take the time you have with your dad to talk through some of those issues. If you live just with your mom, I guess your options are more limited. If your mom thinks your lack of faith is due to your fathers influence she may react more harshly if their separate was as you put it messy.

Technically I'm supposed to stay with my mom during the week and my dad every other weekend, but because I almost always have something to do on the weekends and my dad lives an hour away, I don't do this.

I think though, if she brings it up, I'll try and take the approach you suggested. The only problem I could foresee is that my mom doesn't think I should love my dad (he got engaged to a woman in January and none of us knew he was dating anyone and my sister was the only one who had met her). I think the whole positive approach thing is probably the best way of doing it though. I'll try and do that and see how everything goes.

Oh and a little update/tidbit of info. . . I talked to my brother today and told him part of the reason I was concerned about my mom reading my messages was because I was an atheist (I was shaking as I did this). Never said that out loud before to someone, but when I told him, he told me he didn't really think he believed in a god either. Seriously made my day, and he even gave me a hug which he never does. So there's one good thing to come of it.
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09-09-2013, 07:47 PM
RE: My Mom Has Been Reading My Siblings' and My Message
(09-09-2013 06:33 PM)southernbelle Wrote:  Yeah, the whole pregnancy thing came from a place of anger and wanting to "get back" at her. But honestly as DLJ and nacho_in said it would only worsen my situation.


(09-09-2013 06:37 AM)BryanS Wrote:  Ahhh...was wondering. Do you live solely with your mother then? If there is any kind of joint custody, you could take the time you have with your dad to talk through some of those issues. If you live just with your mom, I guess your options are more limited. If your mom thinks your lack of faith is due to your fathers influence she may react more harshly if their separate was as you put it messy.

Technically I'm supposed to stay with my mom during the week and my dad every other weekend, but because I almost always have something to do on the weekends and my dad lives an hour away, I don't do this.

I think though, if she brings it up, I'll try and take the approach you suggested. The only problem I could foresee is that my mom doesn't think I should love my dad (he got engaged to a woman in January and none of us knew he was dating anyone and my sister was the only one who had met her). I think the whole positive approach thing is probably the best way of doing it though. I'll try and do that and see how everything goes.

Oh and a little update/tidbit of info. . . I talked to my brother today and told him part of the reason I was concerned about my mom reading my messages was because I was an atheist (I was shaking as I did this). Never said that out loud before to someone, but when I told him, he told me he didn't really think he believed in a god either. Seriously made my day, and he even gave me a hug which he never does. So there's one good thing to come of it.

Your brother obviously cares about you. That's great! Sometimes you find people surprise you when you're at the lowest point. I would let your brother 'stay in the atheist closet' if he so chooses. It's enough to have his moral support.

You can decide for yourself if your dad's actions warrant cutting off like your mother suggests. Considering what you described, your mom may be rather upset at you becoming closer to your dad, but if she pushes you away over religion, what choice would you really have? It sounds like you already have support from your brother. It can't hurt to have more support from anyone in your family that you can get. Keep in mind that, baring any unique circumstances you would know better than me, your dad likely had to fight hard to get even every other weekend custody, especially if custody was contested. Family courts are rather harsh on men who contest custody.
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09-09-2013, 10:44 PM
RE: My Mom Has Been Reading My Siblings' and My Message
(09-09-2013 06:33 PM)southernbelle Wrote:  Yeah, the whole pregnancy thing came from a place of anger and wanting to "get back" at her. But honestly as DLJ and nacho_in said it would only worsen my situation.


(09-09-2013 06:37 AM)BryanS Wrote:  Ahhh...was wondering. Do you live solely with your mother then? If there is any kind of joint custody, you could take the time you have with your dad to talk through some of those issues. If you live just with your mom, I guess your options are more limited. If your mom thinks your lack of faith is due to your fathers influence she may react more harshly if their separate was as you put it messy.

Technically I'm supposed to stay with my mom during the week and my dad every other weekend, but because I almost always have something to do on the weekends and my dad lives an hour away, I don't do this.

I think though, if she brings it up, I'll try and take the approach you suggested. The only problem I could foresee is that my mom doesn't think I should love my dad (he got engaged to a woman in January and none of us knew he was dating anyone and my sister was the only one who had met her). I think the whole positive approach thing is probably the best way of doing it though. I'll try and do that and see how everything goes.

Oh and a little update/tidbit of info. . . I talked to my brother today and told him part of the reason I was concerned about my mom reading my messages was because I was an atheist (I was shaking as I did this). Never said that out loud before to someone, but when I told him, he told me he didn't really think he believed in a god either. Seriously made my day, and he even gave me a hug which he never does. So there's one good thing to come of it.

You might be missing an opportunity here. Once things settle down, I would make a point to spend more time at dad's, whatever it takes to get there. Having a strongly supportive environment may be great for you, and having the distance from mom might help her start to realize that she may be alienating you in ways that when you are older, may not be reparable. Sometimes physical distance can do things emotional distance can't. It may save your relationship with your mom from melting down completely. Just a strategy I've used in the past. Good luck!!

Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're an incredible slouch.

Martin Luther was the "father" of two movements - The Reformation and Nazism.
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10-09-2013, 05:33 AM
RE: My Mom Has Been Reading My Siblings' and My Message
(09-09-2013 07:03 AM)DLJ Wrote:  Check this out.... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis

[Image: Crossed_Transaction_in_Transactional_Analysis.jpg]

If you're going to quote transactional analysis, I suggest the following videos as an introduction:










Feel free to disagree.

Give me your argument in the form of a published paper, and then we can start to talk.
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15-09-2013, 09:01 PM
RE: My Mom Has Been Reading My Siblings' and My Message
(08-09-2013 10:44 PM)BryanS Wrote:  
(08-09-2013 10:31 PM)DLJ Wrote:  Consider

Well the two suggestions above are certainly creative when it comes to the 'confidentiality' part of the problem.

But they don't really address the issue of 'outness'.

SB,
When your mum asked you if there was anything you hadn't told her, what was her mood?

Your posts always focus on the practical, DLJ Smile

But good point--I was so focused on how much fun there was to have with a snooping mom. Are your parents really religious where this would have a big affect on your relationship with them? If your mom already knows, she hasn't decided to hold a religious intervention, so despite the privacy invasion, she has not tried to reconvert you, has she?

Are religious interventions a thing? No

I'm not normally like this.
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15-09-2013, 09:18 PM
RE: My Mom Has Been Reading My Siblings' and My Message
(09-09-2013 06:49 AM)nach_in Wrote:  I wouldn't take the pregnant messages route, I know it's funny, but it will only escalate things.

In my experience, parents brake their children's privacy because they can't connect with them, try talking to your mom honestly and calmly, of course she might flip out, but there's a chance she might take it well.

In any case, if she has access to your conversations, you'll want her on your side and honest with you, otherwise you'll just feel you're in a dictatorship. Don't go that way, it can get messy...

nach pretty much nailed it on the head

If you react immaturely it will only validate her breach of you privacy

As a kid in my home, privacy was a privilege, not a right. Luckily for me I rarely had that privilege taken away (I was usually pretty open with my mum)

As for the Atheism. Take this opportunity! Sit down and talk it out with her! She didn't completely lose her mind, so I feel thats a good sign! Big Grin
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15-09-2013, 10:15 PM
RE: My Mom Has Been Reading My Siblings' and My Message
If your Mom asks you again if you have something to tell her say, "Yes."

Then, might as well be as frank as possible. After all, she is lumping on to you & your sibs all her resentment about shit she has chosen to be powerless to control... after all... as far as she is concerned, everything is god's will... right?

1. Let her know that you are sad and troubled that she distrusts you so much that she would invade your privacy (and the sibs').

2. Let her know that as a non-theist, you live by reason, logic, and a sense of ethics and though you understand that she does not, it hurts that she would violate your (and others') trust in such a way.

***
Skippy might have something - talk to Dad - let him know that she's making your life a big pile of leftover-divorce crap and you just want some peace while you try to make it to 18 and out of high school. Whatever happens, it might be a good idea to toughen up, keep your wits about you, and maybe steer as clear of her as possible.

Consider Now that I think of it... when I was your age... after work on Friday nights, I spent each weekend on some friends' couch, and left there for school the next Monday morning. I didn't even see my parents more than about thirty minutes a night - Monday thru Thursday during my entire senior year of high school. And we got along great! It seemed to be just a part of my growing up and growing away. I think I was always kind of grateful for their tolerance of that situation.

Always remember; you are the one in control of your decisions to act or not. You can not control anyone but yourself.

Good luck. Thumbsup
And update if you feel comfortable doing so.

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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17-09-2013, 06:31 AM
RE: My Mom Has Been Reading My Siblings' and My Message
(10-09-2013 05:33 AM)Hafnof Wrote:  <awesome stuff, as usual, from Theramin Trees>

Feel free to disagree.

Cheers Haffy, I didn't know those existed.

Pretty much what I remember from that old format, what was it called? Ah, yes... books.

I hadn't heard of the '4th degree games' though. I'll check that out.

So to assist southernbelle, can you remember the name of the 'game' that her mother was playing.
Was is something like "I know something, you don't know" or maybe that isn't the best match.
What do you think?

SB,
If you haven't seen this TA stuff before, it's well worth looking into. If I had known about it at your age (that's a thing that us old people say a lot) it would have saved loads of frustration.

Haffy,
One thing I think could be improved:
4 x Life Positions are always mentioned, with the "I'm OK / You're OK" being the most desirable state but I think there is a fifth more desirable position... "I Am / You Are".
Just my two-pennyworth.

Nice post though, thank you.

Bowing

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