My Relationship with My Dad and Why I Don't Trust People
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
02-01-2014, 01:00 AM
My Relationship with My Dad and Why I Don't Trust People
I can't remember how much of my story I've already told on here so I'll just start at the beginning. I'm breaking this up into parts and putting them in spoilers because it's an incredibly long story, and I don't feel like having a post that's a mile long. I just really need to tell someone this story and I've never told anyone the full story. I need to tell it all at once somewhere to someone. You don't have to read it all. Heck, you can read one part of it today, another tomorrow, and another the next. I just need to get it out there. At random moments I mote suddenly go into all-caps and just say what's on my mind and cuss a lot. I apologize in advance. Also, if you are only going to read part of it, the last two are the most important.

"Someone Has to Tell You That You're Fat"
When I was younger my dad used to tell me that I was fat because he said that if I could take it from him, I wouldn't be able to take it from anyone else. For reference, here is a picture of my in the 4th grade. The jacket makes me look wider than I actually was. I had extra fat, but I wasn't fat. [Image: 228641_1015118793962_3948519_n_zps03f4ae37.jpg]
So not fat, but he still called me fat all through elementary school and some of middle school. If I had french fries with my meal, later he'd look at me, grab my stomach and tell me he could see the french fries I had for lunch. My "spare tire" as he called. (While he was calling me fat, he would also offer to get me extra-large sodas without ice. Large ice creams. Large everything unhealthy. If I said I didn't want it, he would insist until I decided I wanted it.) It wasn't just weight. It was everything. He told me that when I was older in my thirties I would have no friends because everyone would realize what a self-centered selfish brat I was and that eventually everyone would abandon me. If I ever called him out on being rude, mean, or hurtful, he said that it was his job as a parent to point out my flaws. Other people would point them out to me (NOT FUCKING TRUE) so he had to. It'd be better for me to hear them from him than my friends.

The major event was when we went to Universal Studios during my sophomore year I think. It was just my brother, sister, me, and my dad. I got food poisoning at one of the restaurants (DO NOT EVER GO TO THE RAINFOREST CAFE AND ORDER ANYTHING WITH CHICKEN). I was throwing up and had severe diarrhea and the typical food poisoning stuff for 24 hours. I didn't make it to the bathroom the first or second time and so I threw up on the floor. My dad started yelling at me, called me stupid because I hadn't thought to put a trashcan next to my bed (in my defense I was fucking sick and not thinking straight but wharves), and when I started crying because he was yelling at me while I was sick, he called me crazy and told me that I needed therapy.


The Police Incident
Let me set the stage. My parents got divorced May 2012. It was a bloody divorce and about as bad as divorce between the two of them. The trouble began when my sister, mom, and I went on a trip to NYC with a few of my friends. While we were [/size]gone my dad came in the house without her knowing and took things. (Sidenote: the things he took were his, and he did have a rightful claim to them, but I feel personally that that was an inconsiderate thing of him to do.) Thankfully my siblings and I were never dragged into court. My mom kept the house because when they originally got separated my dad was the one who moved out. They got separated in the second half of my 8th grade year (I'm a senior now). I knew they were separated three weeks after it happened though they did not tell me until the summer before 10th grade. Mid-July 2012, my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. She was going to go out to MD Anderson and didn't know how long she would be there. She had been told she might possibly be out there for 6 months so she and my dad agreed that were this the case he would stay in the house with us because he did not have a house himself in the town where I live. He has a small apartment in New Orleans about an hour away but that's it. Both of them wanted us to be able to stay in the house we had grown up in for this period of time and not have to be uprooted.

We found out that the type of cancer my mom had was highly treatable. She'd be out in Houston for about a week for surgery and then go out there a few more times in the month before in preparation. Because she would only be gone a short period of time, my mom decided she would have my grandmother stay with us, mostly due to what happened last time she was out of town. When my mom first went out to MD Anderson, my grandmother stayed with us and my dad was furious. He took us out to dinner one night, and then when he dropped us off at the house, he went inside and he and my grandmother started arguing about who had the right to be there. His argument was that we're his kids (which I agree with), but her argument was that it was my mom's house (which I agree with to an extent. He still had money staked in the house. HOWEVER, he had not lived there in two and a half years). I went upstairs and played my clarinet to distract myself. When I came down, the cops had been called. The cop came in and talked to us and tried to figure out what we wanted. I told him I didn't care, but that while my mom was out at MD Anderson I didn't think we needed to stress her out and we should just go along with what she said and then figure out what to do for her future visits once she got back. I was in tears at this point. My grandma and dad came in and talked to me. Basically, I knew that if I agreed with my dad I was choosing his side and if I agreed with my grandma I was choosing my mom's side. I tried to get to stay with a friend, but neither of them would let me and both were convinced that the other was harassing me. I find out my dad had recorded the exchange with the police and had heard that I didn't side with my dad, and he got pissed at me.

The Secret Girlfriend
So fast-forward to Christmas time 2012. We're staying with my dad in his apartment in New Orleans. He got me to show him how to send picture texts. While I was using his phone to take a sample picture to send, he got a text. Saying I love you. From a woman.

ME DOING SOMETHING WRONG: The summer between 9th and 10th grade year I had no clue what was going on with my parents' marriage and want to find out what's going to happen. I hadn't asked about it because I couldn't bear saying "are you getting a divorce?" out loud. If I didn't say it, it wasn't true. I was hanging out in my dad's bedroom in his condo watching TV. I see a book about saving your marriage and get hopeful so I decide to look around and see if I can find anything that will prove to me that everything is okay. I look in his closet and find a bag of things from a woman (the same woman that text my dad received was from). I saw a Valentine's Day card and a Best Boyfriend trophy and didn't look any further than that. I confronted my dad and he got mad at me for snooping and said that she liked him but he didn't like her, and he (rightfully so) got mad at me for snooping.

Maybe it's nothing. I go to his message icon so that I can show him how to actually send it, and the first conversation he is having is with the woman. I don't read the messages, but I see the word hotel before I click on my sister's name to send her the text. (SIDE NOTE: I promise that I was not actively trying to read his messages. I know it looks highly suspicious, but I swear both messages were accidentally seen.) Fast forward to the next day, my dad goes out to get Christmas presents. He doesn't take his car. I'm slightly suspicious because of what I saw on his phone. When we open our Christmas presents though, everything we've gotten is something that couldn't have been bought within walking distance. Even more suspicious. Adding to the suspicion, I think of all of the times that he suspiciously bought expensive woman's items claiming they were for his secretary or when he was clearly on the phone with a woman but claimed to be on the phone with his guy friend. I think back to that bag that I found a year and half ago, and I'm pretty sure of what's going on.

Here is where I will admit that I did something wrong again, but I had no clue what else to do. Obviously if he hadn't told us about a girlfriend, there was a reason. I look on her Facebook (he does not have one) and find out that while he was "Christmas shopping" he had brunch with her. I also find out that he spent Christmas Eve with her after dropping my siblings, and I back off at home. I'm really upset and ask my younger sister about it because she spends more time going over to his condo than I do because I'm usually busy most weekends. She says they're just friends at first and then opens up that she had been suspicious. I told her the texts I saw and she looks on the woman's Facebook as well. We're both upset, but we agree not to say anything to him because we feel that he will tell us when he's ready and that if hasn't told us yet, there is a reason. Periodically, my sister and I looked at her Facebook and eventually we say that she was engaged to my dad. He would tell us soon, right? Not for about another month, and that was only because my mom got involved and had a friend call him telling him that he needed to tell us. He somehow figured out that we looked on her Facebook and got furious at us for snooping again. He told me that I was a bad influence on my brother and sister and that I shouldn't be "negatively influencing" them. I apologized and tried telling him that I just didn't know what to do and that I didn't want to confront him because I thought he would tell us when he was ready. When I told him, though, that he should have told us before he got engaged, he said that he talked to three counselors and they were all telling him the timeline he needed to on and all three of them didn't think he needed to tell us yet. THAT IS SOME BULLFUCKINGSHIT. YOU NEED TO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE BECAUSE THEY ARE GIVING YOU SHITTY ADVICE. Anyways, we managed to repair our relationship, though he had not officially said he is getting married yet.

The Secret Wedding
At this point, it's the beginning of my senior year. My dad and I have been getting along great. We've visited a college together, attended an info session together, had a Daddy-Daughter day. Typical father-daughter things to do. Things are pretty good. And then comes fall break. My sister goes to spend the weekend with my dad. She says she's going to go to a haunted house. My brother and I aren't asked if we want to go. On Monday, my aunt who lives in South Carolina, posts pictures from New Orleans of her going to a wedding in New Orleans. My dad's wedding. My sister is in attendance. I ask my brother if he knew about it. He said no. I get extremely upset and immediately head over to my friend's house to spend time with my best friends and get my mind off of it and eat cake. While I'm on my way over, my dad tries to call me. He send the following text:

Quote:Alex. Please learn to talk directly to me and ask any questions rather than jump to erroneous conclusions. Once again, you don't know the facts.

I tell him that I'll call him later because I'm at my friend's house. I get home and have my phone literally in my hand to call him when I get the first text in a series of many

Quote:Dad: Don't bother calling me. 3:43 PM

Dad: You have a lot of maturing to do. 3:45 P.M.

Dad: Watch [your brother and sister]. You might lear something. 3:45 P.M.

Dad: You have repeatedly disappointed me in how you've responded to me. 3:48 P.M.

Dad: I guess I can't expect more from you. 3:48 P.M.

Dad: So let's just leave it at that. 3:56 P.M.

I didn't respond. A few days later he takes us out to dinner, but doesn't mention the incident once.

When my sister gets back she explains that it was an adult wedding and that the only reason that my sister was invited and not us was because she asked about it. He would have a separate wedding for my siblings and I and my dad and his new wife. I honestly feel like if he were going to allow her to go, he should have mentioned it to my brother and I. She's the youngest. If any of us shouldn't be at an adult wedding, it would be her.

A week later, I got an invitation to five person wedding. I was planning on going. I didn't mention it to him because I (stupidly) figured he would assume that I was going because I didn't say that I wasn't. Later that week, he is making plans for Christmas. My siblings both say immediately that they are going. He said that he told me that he needed to know for certain if I was going by 6. I didn't respond until after 6 though because I had school and band practice until 6 so I didn't actually see it until then. My siblings both did because they check their phones during school. My dad then sent me a text and the following exchange took place.

Quote:Dad: I need to go ahead and make travel plans or the Christmas holiday. Since I haven't heard from you, I'm assuming you are declining to join us. If I'm wrong, I must know now because I am buying plane tickets within the hour. Alex, we would really like you to be with us. But do not feel obligated. You have to want to be there. Same goes for the wedding Sunday, since I haven't heard from you about that either.

Dad: And as I have always said you may call to discuss any issue with me.

Me: I'm thinking about it right now. I had band til six so I didn't see the messages til a few minutes ago.

Dad: Not sure I understand what there is "to think about." You either want to go or you don't. [Your brother and sister] responded immediately to both invitations.

Me: I'm not going.

I'd been just about to tell him that I was going, but that text he sent me made me not want to, and I was reminded of him comparing me to them. It came across again as "they're better children than you. Be more like them." Now I told him that I'd been thinking about it because I had assumed that he knew I wasn't entirely sure what I was doing because of the first text he sent. I figured he knew the reservations I had. I really did need to think about it because every vacation I've gone on with him has ended with me in tears and things weren't very smooth between us then. I, however, did decide to go (before he made the comparison to my siblings) because I wanted to repair our relationship. However, that didn't happen, and I haven't spoken to him sense.

I'm tired of always being the one that apologizes. I realize that yes I have made mistakes, but I have at least apologize for them. He however has always put all of the blame on me, and I'm tired of it. All I want is for him to apologize for those texts that he sent to me when I first found about his marriage, and I'll forgive him. But I can't because I don't think he actually feels like he's done anything wrong. I'm also tired of all of his lying. He's a compulsive liar (He went to counseling for it) and I don't like having that in my life. I get that it's not all his fault, but he is the adult and I feel like he should take some responsibility instead of pulling the "I'm the parent. You're the child. I'm right. You're wrong" approach. Right now, I feel like I can't trust anyone to be honest with me because of everything with my dad and a recent event where my best friend lied to all of our friends about something major and they all knew she was lying. I, however, chose to believe her, and now I feel incredibly stupid. I also feel so incredibly dishonest and terrible and like I have double standards because I hate lying, but I lie every time anyone besides about three or four people ask me about religion. I'm so sick and tired of everything, and I'm just worried that everything is going to have a lifelong psychological effect on me.

I'm sorry for such a long post, I just needed to finally get everything out at once. If anyone actually reads all of it, I love you so much.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
02-01-2014, 01:17 AM
RE: My Relationship with My Dad and Why I Don't Trust People
Hug
I don't have any words of wisdom for you except that you two should probably talk more and text less.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Bows and Arrows's post
02-01-2014, 01:30 AM
RE: My Relationship with My Dad and Why I Don't Trust People
(02-01-2014 01:17 AM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  Hug
I don't have any words of wisdom for you except that you two should probably talk more and text less.

I agree completely with that but he always chooses to initiate these conversations over text....
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
02-01-2014, 01:37 AM
RE: My Relationship with My Dad and Why I Don't Trust People
I have no magic words. But I'm sorry, you don't deserve this.

I hope things will get better. If not with him, at least with your life. You're a good person, just keep going.

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes evenheathen's post
02-01-2014, 01:38 AM
RE: My Relationship with My Dad and Why I Don't Trust People
Wow! That was a long one.

Thanks for sharing.

You've made me think about my kids who were in a similar position.
I wonder now how much they were aware of my ex's affairs.

I remember too that feeling of "I was gonna but now I'm not." I think I got that under control early because my father & elder sister displayed their stubbornness very often and I learned from it.
My sister had a bit of therapy over that and ... no lasting damage.

Again, thanks for sharing.

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like DLJ's post
02-01-2014, 01:48 AM
RE: My Relationship with My Dad and Why I Don't Trust People
You have nothing to apologize for. He's the one having affairs and being secretive and playing with your emotions, and trying to make you feel bad for being yourself. Manipulative, that's the word. It's not nice. He should back off, otherwise he's gonna do possibly irreparable harm to your relationship with him.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes morondog's post
02-01-2014, 02:02 AM
RE: My Relationship with My Dad and Why I Don't Trust People
(02-01-2014 01:30 AM)southernbelle Wrote:  
(02-01-2014 01:17 AM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  Hug
I don't have any words of wisdom for you except that you two should probably talk more and text less.

I agree completely with that but he always chooses to initiate these conversations over text....

I read the whole thing. I have never been in your situation so I can't say I know how you feel. Your dad sounds like he can be a bit immature sometimes, so I think you may have to just decide whether or not you are willing to deal with that. I suggest that you do because you only get one dad and you will probably regret it if you choose not to. Just try I remind yourself not to take anything said through text messaging too seriously. Whenever he texts you anything that hurts your feelings or you think may start an argument tell your dad that you cannot text about it and would he be willing to call or talk in person. Texting is great for certain things but not serious conversation. You can't tell how people are saying things or how they mean them through a text. Also, try to remember that parents are people too, love. We don't always know how to react to uncomfortable situations like new relationships, and we certainly don't always make the right choices. But from the little I have read it seems that your dad does love you. I think you should talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel. If you can't, print out a copy of this and let him read it.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Losty's post
02-01-2014, 02:05 AM
RE: My Relationship with My Dad and Why I Don't Trust People
(02-01-2014 01:38 AM)DLJ Wrote:  Wow! That was a long one.

Thanks for sharing.

You've made me think about my kids who were in a similar position.
I wonder now how much they were aware of my ex's affairs.

I remember too that feeling of "I was gonna but now I'm not." I think I got that under control early because my father & elder sister displayed their stubbornness very often and I learned from it.
My sister had a bit of therapy over that and ... no lasting damage.

Again, thanks for sharing.

I feel like I must have been confused somewhere. I didn't realize there was an affair? I thought the parents weren't together anymore?
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
02-01-2014, 02:36 AM
RE: My Relationship with My Dad and Why I Don't Trust People
Well, the idea that your dad had an "adult wedding" without telling you about it, and then after finding out about it he was going to have 'another wedding' for just the kids (except your younger sister did go to the original wedding). Well, that's pretty messed up. My guess is that second 'wedding' was only happening after he found you and your brother were upset about being kept in the dark.

And by the way-- "Adult Wedding"? WTF is that exactly? Instead of a traditional wedding gown, the bride dresses in a dominatrix outfit? It honestly looks to me like you father is at least as immature as he is claiming you are in his text messages.

So you have a mom that pushes religion on you and oversteps privacy boundaries, and a dad that is a flake. Only consolation is that many families are messed up, not just yours. in some families, one of the parents is missing in their lives entirely. I think you will get a lot out of your college experience. At that point, you will start being able to make your own independent decisions and live your life as you see fit.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes BryanS's post
02-01-2014, 03:04 AM
RE: My Relationship with My Dad and Why I Don't Trust People
(02-01-2014 02:36 AM)BryanS Wrote:  ...
And by the way-- "Adult Wedding"? WTF is that exactly?
...

Reading between the lines...

New wifey to be says "Darling, this is about us [she means, "It's my day"] and a new future and leaving the past behind"
Dad says "b...but, how can I not invite my children? They are part of me!"
She says "If you really love me and love the idea of us..."
etc. etc.

Your dad's problem is weakness. He wants to make everyone happy but can't. A wedding day is primarily about the bride so this is a tough situation for him. A lose/lose.

I think it means that he still sees you as a child and not yet as an adult with whom to have an open and frank dialogue.

See if you can bridge that gap and change his view of you. I think he'd welcome seeing you as a friend / a confidante rather than his little girl who needs to be protected from painful truths.

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes DLJ's post
Post Reply
Forum Jump: