My Relationship with My Dad and Why I Don't Trust People
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
02-01-2014, 11:22 AM
RE: My Relationship with My Dad and Why I Don't Trust People
(02-01-2014 02:05 AM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  I feel like I must have been confused somewhere. I didn't realize there was an affair? I thought the parents weren't together anymore?

I found the Valentine's day card and Best Boyfriend trophy a year and a half before my parents got a divorce and a year and a half after they got separated. Apparently at this point they were still trying to work things out so you could classify it as cheating as they were still technically together.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
02-01-2014, 11:29 AM
RE: My Relationship with My Dad and Why I Don't Trust People
Also, by an adult wedding he meant no kids allowed. It either was her idea as DLJ said or he wanted to keep his life out of town separate from us, which wouldn't surprise me either. Had I gone to the second wedding, that would have been the first time I met her.

I really do want a relationship with him. He's my dad after all. But I just can't handle him always making me feel like everything is my fault. He thinks he's flawless (he has literally said that before), and so he doesn't apologize. I've never heard him say the words "I'm sorry" unless it was "I'm sorry but I just have to tell you that [insert insult here]." When I've talked to my mom about it, she said that in the 17 years they had been married, she never heard him apologize to her either.

EDIT: Also thanks to all of y'all who actually read everything. I know I rambled a bit and it went on forever, I just needed to get everything all out at once, which I've never got to do before. I have to say, I'm so glad I've come back to this forum. I forgot how awesome everyone is.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like southernbelle's post
02-01-2014, 12:31 PM
RE: My Relationship with My Dad and Why I Don't Trust People
(02-01-2014 11:29 AM)southernbelle Wrote:  I really do want a relationship with him. He's my dad after all. But I just can't handle him always making me feel like everything is my fault. He thinks he's flawless (he has literally said that before), and so he doesn't apologize. I've never heard him say the words "I'm sorry" unless it was "I'm sorry but I just have to tell you that [insert insult here]." When I've talked to my mom about it, she said that in the 17 years they had been married, she never heard him apologize to her either.

It sounds like he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissisti...disorder), what do you think?

It's going to be difficult to have the relationship you would like with him. You need to be a very self confident person to not let yourself be hurt by a person that has that disorder. Sometimes it's best to work on your self for a few months and come back to tackle the relationship later. Believe me I have a mother and a wife who have similar issues and I've had to retrieve, work on my issues with self esteem and then face the peopl in my life head on. It takes time and work.

Best of luck!

“The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.” ― Richard Pryor
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
02-01-2014, 08:11 PM (This post was last modified: 02-01-2014 08:56 PM by southernbelle.)
RE: My Relationship with My Dad and Why I Don't Trust People
(02-01-2014 12:31 PM)djkamilo Wrote:  It sounds like he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissisti...disorder), what do you think?

Sounds like a very spot on description of my dad. It explains a lot about him actually.

(02-01-2014 12:31 PM)djkamilo Wrote:  You need to be a very self confident person to not let yourself be hurt by a person that has that disorder
That'll definitely take a while. Though maybe being away from him for a while will make me more self-confident.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes southernbelle's post
02-01-2014, 08:41 PM
RE: My Relationship with My Dad and Why I Don't Trust People
Sending big Hug's your way. Sometimes, the hardest thing is to simply disengage. Often tho, it's also the best.

Distance can temper family issues.


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
04-01-2014, 03:08 AM (This post was last modified: 04-01-2014 03:20 AM by GirlyMan.)
RE: My Relationship with My Dad and Why I Don't Trust People
(02-01-2014 01:00 AM)southernbelle Wrote:  I'm sorry for such a long post, I just needed to finally get everything out at once. If anyone actually reads all of it, I love you so much.

Well goddam, that was something to read. As a father I appreciate it and wonder how much I've fucked up my kids without even realizing it? Thanks! Thumbsup

The other big take I get from your story is that infidelity can fuck up innocent bystanders even more than those directly involved.

As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
06-01-2014, 01:28 PM (This post was last modified: 06-01-2014 03:24 PM by Adrianime.)
RE: My Relationship with My Dad and Why I Don't Trust People
Hey SouthernBelle,

I've been wanting to read this for a while, and just finally got through it. I'm going to go on memory, and not quote anything you said directly.

At first I found your dad to be similar to mine. But halfway through I realized your dad is actually much nicer and I can tell he does care about you. Just from what I've read, I can tell that you and your dad are closer now (even if you aren't speaking) than I will ever be with mine. So I can see alot of promise in your future relationship.

Also, it took me far into my life to realize that adults are people to. It wasn't until late highschool that I realized adults made mistakes, had insecurities, and had trouble dealing with many situations. Your dad is being very human in how he is handling all of this. That is, very imperfect. He is trying to balance his own wants/desires, his new wife's, and his kid's desires. And hey if he went to counseling then good for him, that's a move most people wouldn't take (myself included). So yeah, from your perspective, hiding his relationship was harmful, but I'm willing to bet from his perspective he just didn't know how to handle this, or he would feel like he was betraying you, or whatnot.

As for the wedding thing, I can relate. My mom got divorced in like 2007 after being unhappily married to my dad for like 36 years. In 2011, my mom had been seeing this old man (she is now 62 or so, he is 76 or so) and they got engaged. I was already uncomfortable with this in general, and I don't even have an amazing relationship with my mom. But then my mom sends out cards one day announcing, "HEY, We got married in Hawaii last weekend!" And of course I was absolutely pissed that my mom would hold such an important life ceremony without including me, or any of her family. I felt betrayed, and I felt she was incredibly selfish at the time. But in retrospect, for her that may have been the best decision. There was no need to have an expensive or extravagant wedding. I mean, what would that really accomplish anyways? The wedding was for her and her new husband, not for us. Plus this way she didn't put pressure on others for trying to make it or bringing gifts.
I guess to sum up this paragraph, I felt like I had a bit of ownership over my mom. I think many kids feel that way about their parents. I'm not really sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing. But now, I realize she is an individual *just doing her best* just like I am. I can't control her, or expect her to be something she isn't. That being said, I can't say I have all the answers. My mom stopped showing affection to me when I was like 6 or 7, and the thought of hugging her, or hearing the words "I love you" come from her make me very uncomfortable (luckily it never happens).

buut yeah, I'm not saying your dad shouldn't take some blame, but I am saying that he is probably going through internal conflict as well, trying to figure out how to best approach you. He will make mistakes! But so will you. I hope you two do your best to communicate with each other and figure out what role you want in each other's lives.

And sorry if I spoke too much about myself, I tend to offer the perspective of my experiences for people's consideration for them to compare to their own experience and decide for themselves if it is relevant. IMO, nobody always has the correct answers to these emotional problems, and each person is most likely to come up with the best solution for themselves, even if it takes a little guidance from others Smile.

I prefer fantasy, but I have to live in reality.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Adrianime's post
07-01-2014, 07:44 PM
RE: My Relationship with My Dad and Why I Don't Trust People
Thanks all of y'all for listening and for y'alls advice. I'm going to try to keep it all in mind as I try to one day build back a relationship with my dad. I don't know when I'll talk to him again. I want him to apologize to me for some things, but I don't see that happening. I'm not sure if I should just talk to him first and just apologize for . . . I don't know what, but something. I just don't know if it'll be good for me to apologize when the majority of the blame falls on him. I do that a lot in relationships with my friends. One of my friends in particular manages to be a complete ass to me on a regular basis (at least once a month, but usually more often) and piss me off, but he somehow always manages to get me to apologize to him without him every having to. I'm just kind of tired of having to do that, but that might be the best thing in this situation

My mom wants me to go to counseling for what I've been through. I'd been thinking about it a lot myself, but I'm not entirely sure if I'm going to actually doing it. The idea of counseling just makes me a bit nervous. I don't know. I have a lot to think about in the next few weeks . . .
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes southernbelle's post
07-01-2014, 10:35 PM
RE: My Relationship with My Dad and Why I Don't Trust People
(07-01-2014 07:44 PM)southernbelle Wrote:  Thanks all of y'all for listening and for y'alls advice. I'm going to try to keep it all in mind as I try to one day build back a relationship with my dad. I don't know when I'll talk to him again. I want him to apologize to me for some things, but I don't see that happening. I'm not sure if I should just talk to him first and just apologize for . . . I don't know what, but something. I just don't know if it'll be good for me to apologize when the majority of the blame falls on him. I do that a lot in relationships with my friends. One of my friends in particular manages to be a complete ass to me on a regular basis (at least once a month, but usually more often) and piss me off, but he somehow always manages to get me to apologize to him without him every having to. I'm just kind of tired of having to do that, but that might be the best thing in this situation

My mom wants me to go to counseling for what I've been through. I'd been thinking about it a lot myself, but I'm not entirely sure if I'm going to actually doing it. The idea of counseling just makes me a bit nervous. I don't know. I have a lot to think about in the next few weeks . . .

My sister went to counseling for a few things. It's really not that bad. Well, hers wasn't... It was just chatting about stuff with someone. TBH I thought the lady she went to was kinda crazy but she was lovely crazy not scary crazy...

IMO... yeah, the dynamic needs to change on the whole apologizing thing - that's a sign of him holding the power in the relationship. He might probably try to make you apologize for meaningless shit to reaffirm to himself that you're still kinda the needy one in the relationship. I'd expect him to go ballistic if you don't apologize even though it's meaningless, as he'll interpret that to mean you don't care about his feelings, whereas the real truth is that he's trying to manipulate you.

Caveat about the above paragraph, I'm just talking out my ass. But my old man can be manipulative too, and the above basically describes how he used to do it before us kids got wise to his games.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply
Forum Jump: