My Sister, the AA Member and her Relentless Preaching
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30-03-2013, 02:20 PM (This post was last modified: 30-03-2013 02:32 PM by Peanut.)
My Sister, the AA Member and her Relentless Preaching
I've mentioned my sister's sobriety recently as well as the surprise I felt at her "stand" on my current relationship. Last night, she decided to push me into a corner and I found myself at a loss as to what to do.

Let me state this again: I LOVE my sister and I am so happy for her to be sober. I'd rather her be healthy and not a raging alcoholic than be a "non-fearing God" member with me as she used to be.

I like what one forum member said that she "replaced one addiction for another." That statement really made me realize her current state.

Earlier in the day, I called her in a panic about my current financial situation. She insisted I come over to "take a break" from it all. I decided I would and I wanted to see her and my family anyway. The only worry I had was the fact that once I got over there, I would be completely stuck; I don't have a vehicle so I must rely on others to get me from point A to point B. (I HATE that. I tend to stay home for this reason. I don't like to be dependent on anyone.) I decided I would just throw caution to the wind and enjoy myself.

When I got there, I found out there was beer in the garage. (Yay. I wanted some.) My sister also tries to be around people who are drinking. I think she stated once that it makes her feel like she feels stronger by resisting the temptation. (It took me a very, very long time to allow myself to drink around her; I didn't want to mess with her head.) She also knocks back the energy drinks like she was stranded on a desert island with no water to sustain her insatiable thirst...

Well, a few hours went by. There were many laughs shared and fun "debates" and jokes at the expense of others. (You know, the usual family get-together.) Everyone was happy and smiling.

Now that I'm sober and with a clear head, I am thinking back to my sister's behavior the entire night: In more than one instance, she stated that "Ashley is not assertive! She is so passive." She would then giggle and wink or something. But, my whole life, my family has pointed out that I'm the only one of the four kids that doesn't know how (or refuses because of my distaste for drama and confrontation) say what's on my mind (I'm working on this personality trait...)

Five hours after arriving and many beers later, my sister asked me to share a cigarette with her in the garage. Our little sister joined us. I had no idea my night would go from carefree to a drunken tear-fest while trapped in the garage at midnight.

"Ashley, I love you... MATT loves you."

"Yeah? I love you, too." (Giggle)

"I can't help but notice you haven't mentioned him tonight. You obviously are having a tough time; Why else are you turning to booze to make you feel better?"

Exclamation

"You invited me to come over and "take a break." That's precisely what I'm doing. I'm only doing what YOU encouraged of me." (finishes beer)

"You can't run from your problems; You have to face them head-on. I don't want to see your relationship fail."

I took a breath and shook my head. (I'm shortening the rest of the conversation. She went on to say I'm not "meeting him half way" by not being "open" to being spiritual.. I told her I can't stand the fact that she can't support me in my decision. I told her that it's bullshit that she keeps insisting I do something that WON'T FIX WHAT IS BROKEN OR MISSING.

"Why are you yelling? I'm not yelling."

"No. You are playing mind games- you're are a professional manipulator. Good job; You elicited a satisfactory response from me, now you can feel accomplished. Now you are going to try and make this all into something [i]I created.
"

She stood there the entire time with this smug look and with a condescending air about her. She acted like she was "above" me. I finished my cigarette and walked to the door. I told her I "am not going to play this game." I was stuck, just as I feared. I couldn't leave and I said, "I just want to go home if you are going to do this while I'm vulnerable." Her response?

"Well, you might as well find some pajamas because I'm not driving again. You are going to have to stay the night."

Needless to say (and a slight "understatement") I flipped. I panicked and my chest got tight. I felt trapped and to hear her confirm my fear of being without means to do what I wanted to do, made my world spin. I rushed inside (as quietly as I could being inebriated with my grandfather sleeping in the next room and two other family members I never even met until a few hours before) and went straight for my coat; I knew I had to get out before she came inside. She was going to put on a show and make me seem like "the drunk sister who is over-reacting." (I was indeed the drunk sister, but I was not over-reacting.) My drunk ass couldn't tie my shoes fast enough. My youngest sister came in and stood in front of the door; denying my retreat into the night. Dodgy

**This story is going on longer than intended. I apologize for that and the fact that I'm most-likely over-sharing information. I'm also aware I'm showing my drunken state and that in itself is embarrassing to me**

After a few minutes of genuinely PLEADING with them to let me go, I'm a "big girl," I could handle my shit, my grandpa saved me. (Love that guy. FUN FACT: We discussed our atheism earlier in the evening. It brought me a sense of companionship with my my grandpa. We shared the mutual agreement that others in our family are overly reliant on religion and it's quite obnoxious.) He told me he would drive me home. The whole way home, he held my hand and let me cry. He told me it was okay and that she was "wrong for making [me] feel that way." He heard (and I'm sure at this time, everyone else in the house heard as well) the whole conversation.

[size=large]I was going to post this in "Atheism and Theism," but I realized right before posting that although she is a Christian and I have no beliefs, the conversation was more about my current, failing relationship. I decided to post in a different category.

I should also mention that she SOMEHOW acquired my ID before I left. She texted me:

"I love you. I have your I.d."

I find this very suspicious. I now need that ID because I'm almost out of cigarettes due to my drunken chain smoking last night and into the early morning. (I don't have the features of a normal 23 year old woman; I share facial features and height of a teenaged girl. They don't like selling to me unless I have said ID if they never saw me before.)

"It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in awhile exhilarating." -Stephen King
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30-03-2013, 02:34 PM
RE: My Sister, the AA Member and her Relentless Preaching
Let's be honest...it could be worse. Smile

Through profound pain comes profound knowledge.
Ridi, Pagliaccio, sul tuo amore infranto! Ridi del duol, che t'avvelena il cor!
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30-03-2013, 02:37 PM
RE: My Sister, the AA Member and her Relentless Preaching
(30-03-2013 02:34 PM)Misanthropik Wrote:  Let's be honest...it could be worse. Smile

I'm trying to figure out specifically how it could be "worse." This is my sister and I'm getting worried our relationship is cracking. I took everyone's advice from my last thread to not talk about it with her or tell her she is wrong for using Jesus to overcome her addiction to booze.

But SHE came at ME... Drinking Beverage

"It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in awhile exhilarating." -Stephen King
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30-03-2013, 02:39 PM
RE: My Sister, the AA Member and her Relentless Preaching
(30-03-2013 02:37 PM)Peanut Wrote:  
(30-03-2013 02:34 PM)Misanthropik Wrote:  Let's be honest...it could be worse. Smile

I'm trying to figure out specifically how it could be "worse." This is my sister and I'm getting worried our relationship is cracking. I took everyone's advice from my last thread to not talk about it with her or tell her she is wrong for using Jesus to overcome her addiction to booze.

But SHE came at ME... Drinking Beverage

What I'm saying is that there are wrose things she could be "preaching" to you about. Consider

Through profound pain comes profound knowledge.
Ridi, Pagliaccio, sul tuo amore infranto! Ridi del duol, che t'avvelena il cor!
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30-03-2013, 02:43 PM
RE: My Sister, the AA Member and her Relentless Preaching
True.

But still:

CensoredAngrySadcryface

"It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in awhile exhilarating." -Stephen King
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30-03-2013, 02:54 PM
Re: My Sister, the AA Member and her Relentless Preaching
Honestly. I know shes your sister and all. But I'd call the cops if they trapped you at the house and stole your id. That's terrible.

Had it been me I would have called a cab or walked if my family pulled that.
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30-03-2013, 03:00 PM
RE: My Sister, the AA Member and her Relentless Preaching
(30-03-2013 02:20 PM)Peanut Wrote:  I've mentioned my sister's sobriety recently as well as the surprise I felt at her "stand" on my current relationship. Last night, she decided to push me into a corner and I found myself at a loss as to what to do.

Let me state this again: I LOVE my sister and I am so happy for her to be sober. I'd rather her be healthy and not a raging alcoholic than be a "non-fearing God" member with me as she used to be.

I like what one forum member said that she "replaced one addiction for another." That statement really made me realize her current state.

Earlier in the day, I called her in a panic about my current financial situation. She insisted I come over to "take a break" from it all. I decided I would and I wanted to see her and my family anyway. The only worry I had was the fact that once I got over there, I would be completely stuck; I don't have a vehicle so I must rely on others to get me from point A to point B. (I HATE that. I tend to stay home for this reason. I don't like to be dependent on anyone.) I decided I would just throw caution to the wind and enjoy myself.

When I got there, I found out there was beer in the garage. (Yay. I wanted some.) My sister also tries to be around people who are drinking. I think she stated once that it makes her feel like she feels stronger by resisting the temptation. (It took me a very, very long time to allow myself to drink around her; I didn't want to mess with her head.) She also knocks back the energy drinks like she was stranded on a desert island with no water to sustain her insatiable thirst...

Well, a few hours went by. There were many laughs shared and fun "debates" and jokes at the expense of others. (You know, the usual family get-together.) Everyone was happy and smiling.

Now that I'm sober and with a clear head, I am thinking back to my sister's behavior the entire night: In more than one instance, she stated that "Ashley is not assertive! She is so passive." She would then giggle and wink or something. But, my whole life, my family has pointed out that I'm the only one of the four kids that doesn't know how (or refuses because of my distaste for drama and confrontation) say what's on my mind (I'm working on this personality trait...)

Five hours after arriving and many beers later, my sister asked me to share a cigarette with her in the garage. Our little sister joined us. I had no idea my night would go from carefree to a drunken tear-fest while trapped in the garage at midnight.

"Ashley, I love you... MATT loves you."

"Yeah? I love you, too." (Giggle)

"I can't help but notice you haven't mentioned him tonight. You obviously are having a tough time; Why else are you turning to booze to make you feel better?"

Exclamation

"You invited me to come over and "take a break." That's precisely what I'm doing. I'm only doing what YOU encouraged of me." (finishes beer)

"You can't run from your problems; You have to face them head-on. I don't want to see your relationship fail."

I took a breath and shook my head. (I'm shortening the rest of the conversation. She went on to say I'm not "meeting him half way" by not being "open" to being spiritual.. I told her I can't stand the fact that she can't support me in my decision. I told her that it's bullshit that she keeps insisting I do something that WON'T FIX WHAT IS BROKEN OR MISSING.

"Why are you yelling? I'm not yelling."

"No. You are playing mind games- you're are a professional manipulator. Good job; You elicited a satisfactory response from me, now you can feel accomplished. Now you are going to try and make this all into something [i]I created.
"

She stood there the entire time with this smug look and with a condescending air about her. She acted like she was "above" me. I finished my cigarette and walked to the door. I told her I "am not going to play this game." I was stuck, just as I feared. I couldn't leave and I said, "I just want to go home if you are going to do this while I'm vulnerable." Her response?

"Well, you might as well find some pajamas because I'm not driving again. You are going to have to stay the night."

Needless to say (and a slight "understatement") I flipped. I panicked and my chest got tight. I felt trapped and to hear her confirm my fear of being without means to do what I wanted to do, made my world spin. I rushed inside (as quietly as I could being inebriated with my grandfather sleeping in the next room and two other family members I never even met until a few hours before) and went straight for my coat; I knew I had to get out before she came inside. She was going to put on a show and make me seem like "the drunk sister who is over-reacting." (I was indeed the drunk sister, but I was not over-reacting.) My drunk ass couldn't tie my shoes fast enough. My youngest sister came in and stood in front of the door; denying my retreat into the night. Dodgy

**This story is going on longer than intended. I apologize for that and the fact that I'm most-likely over-sharing information. I'm also aware I'm showing my drunken state and that in itself is embarrassing to me**

After a few minutes of genuinely PLEADING with them to let me go, I'm a "big girl," I could handle my shit, my grandpa saved me. (Love that guy. FUN FACT: We discussed our atheism earlier in the evening. It brought me a sense of companionship with my my grandpa. We shared the mutual agreement that others in our family are overly reliant on religion and it's quite obnoxious.) He told me he would drive me home. The whole way home, he held my hand and let me cry. He told me it was okay and that she was "wrong for making [me] feel that way." He heard (and I'm sure at this time, everyone else in the house heard as well) the whole conversation.

[size=large]I was going to post this in "Atheism and Theism," but I realized right before posting that although she is a Christian and I have no beliefs, the conversation was more about my current, failing relationship. I decided to post in a different category.

I should also mention that she SOMEHOW acquired my ID before I left. She texted me:

"I love you. I have your I.d."

I find this very suspicious. I now need that ID because I'm almost out of cigarettes due to my drunken chain smoking last night and into the early morning. (I don't have the features of a normal 23 year old woman; I share facial features and height of a teenaged girl. They don't like selling to me unless I have said ID if they never saw me before.)

The problem with AA is it doesnt solve the problem it just changes the symptoms. Most alchoholics have deeper issues that cause their addiction AA just worries about the manifestation of the deeper issue without bothering to fix the root cause then it adds a heavy dash of superior condensation cause they "found Jesus".


As to your situation my advice would be to not put yourself in a situation where your sister has that much control over you. It's hard when dealing with manipulative people (esspecaly family) but you need to set boundaries and it becomes increasing hard to do so as you become more and more under their control (such as at their house with no transportation). I would call her up and have her drop your ID over to your house and not try to rehash the fight right now and then the next time this kind of situation comes up (which seems way more complicated than you have expressed here) set some ground rules before going over to your sisters. If it continues despite presetting rules you may just be forced to not put yourself in a situation where she can get the jump on you.

(31-07-2014 04:37 PM)Luminon Wrote:  America is full of guns, but they're useless, because nobody has the courage to shoot an IRS agent in self-defense
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30-03-2013, 03:20 PM (This post was last modified: 30-03-2013 03:24 PM by kim.)
RE: My Sister, the AA Member and her Relentless Preaching
Stay away from your sister and use the time to focus more on your relationship with Gramps. The healthier relationship here is between you and Grandpa - you are lucky - he can be a great influence on your boy. You'll learn a lot about being an atheist living in a theist world from Grandpa. Chances are, your sister will be around for a while, Grandpa hasn't much time.

If your sister wants to have a relationship, she's going to have to put forth some kind of effort to let others be who they are and accept them. Who she is, is up to her but who others are has nothing to do with her. She might want to focus on learning to be who she is and be satisfied with that, instead of letting someone else tell her who she's supposed to be.

Just tell her you love her but that you don't need her bullshit. Time to align yourself with Gramps while he's still on the planet. You are lucky; my Grandparents are all gone... they are the best things about families, in my opinion. I have cousins only a few years younger than me and they have no recollection of our Grandma.

Your relationship with any life partner is between you and that person. Your sister can give feedback but you are the one who has to make and live with your decisions. HA!! Ask her... if she likes your fiance so much, why doesn't she marry him? Tongue

You can only control shit in your life... you can't control shit for anyone else. We all need to remind ourselves of that from time to time but your sister needs to learn it.

Now, it's a gorgeous weekend; take your boy over and go hang with Gramps and maybe he'll let you borrow his car. Drinking Beverage

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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30-03-2013, 03:22 PM
Re: My Sister, the AA Member and her Relentless Preaching
Kim is so right. (and awesome I might add) go enjoy that weather with that gorgeous son of yours! Big Grin
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30-03-2013, 03:32 PM
RE: My Sister, the AA Member and her Relentless Preaching
"Earlier in the day, I called her in a panic about my current financial situation."

Don't do that. All of her advise includes religion and all of your interactions with her will end with her bringing up the topic. So until you're able to handle your own finances, relationship, etc., you're better off not involving your sister.

And if you need financial advise, PM me. If you need money, stop buying cigarettes and beer.

I don't mean that to sound rude but honestly, this isn't the first time you've experienced this behavior with your sister.


"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results."

The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names. - Chinese Proverb
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