My "coming out letter"
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17-05-2013, 09:18 PM
My "coming out letter"
And also, should you choose to engage anyone you truly care about, always keep in mind how you felt when you were a believer. When you were first confronted with doubt how did it make you feel? Frightened? Defensive? Did it make you cling more tightly to your beliefs? Keep this in mind when engaging current believers so you treat them with caution, patience and love.
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17-05-2013, 09:29 PM
RE: My "coming out letter"
Thank you for the warm welcoming! You all just made me very happy that I posted It here first. This has been such a lonely lonely process. And I have had NO one to talk to about all this. So I appreciate your feedback so much. I was thinking that I may be OVERTHINKING this whole thing. Even my believing husband said he didnt see the need to send it out either. said it was realIy no ones business. guess he was right. Maybe this letter was more for ME than anything. when I was a believer this would have not made sense to me , it probably won't go over well and create the opposite reaction of what i really wanted.(my husband tried to tell me this) I never thought that this might come across as "cold" but I can see now that it might. So i am going to just take the individual approach. need to know basis. and if anyone is actually interested in my thinking process I will have this!
My husband is not happy about my apostacy but he respects my decision. we've had our communication challenges but all in all he's been pretty great actually. My 20 yr old son came out as an athiest when he was 18 and it completely shook my whole world. He was the kid who played quitar in 3 bands at church, volunteered, started a bible study at his school etc...i didnt know it then but his becoming an athiest and me trying to prove him wrong is what eventually led to my de-conversion. my husband the opposite, he siad that my sons athiesm caused his faith to grow STRONGER. Last year my 17 yr old also told us he no longer believed in God. My 12 year old has told me he has always been confused about God and the bible and he really doesnt understand. But he calls himself a christian. I have not told my children yet. No one knows but my husband.
I think that remembering what an uproar my sons sudden turn away from God caused in our family and how it rocked my world , I know what will be going through the minds of my immmediate family and my husbands family who are all christians. My husband is preachers kid! My sons really didn't have any good thought out reasons why they didnt believe so it was easy to discount what they were saying as "youthful rebellion" etc... So i guess i wanted to have it all thought through so i wouldnt be misunderstood by the ones closest t me. wow i really needed this feedback thank you so much Smile
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17-05-2013, 09:32 PM
RE: My "coming out letter"
cardinal smurf
thank you, great advice. Thats exactly what has happened to my husband. It made him cling more tightly to his beliefs. Thats a great way to put it. And I will keep that in mind Smile
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17-05-2013, 09:50 PM
RE: My "coming out letter"
Just my 2 cents...feel free to tell me to take a hike Smile It was just some thoughts I had.

patience with your husband.
discuss how you should tell the kids with your husband.
For me-I have lots of one on one talks with my kids on many subjects. So for me-it would be easier to discuss one on one but with your husbands knowledge that the conversation is taking place. Then after the news has a bit of time to sink in-then discuss as a family if needed.
Your youngest (since you mention that he is already expressing confusion) might have the hardest time. My girls are much younger than yours and when we discuss it the youngest feels like she is abandoning my husband. She's 7 so she looks for things to be fair all the time. She says things like 'no one is taking Dad's side-he's all alone' And no matter how much I try to explain that it isn't about sides and everyone in this family is free to choose what they wish and to change their feelings, she feels like she is betraying him. And honestly, somedays, my husband probably does feel alone. Just be prepared for that and be sensitive to it.

Does your husband still attend church regularly? And if you are not going with him, then make specific plans that day. It will be easier for him to walk in and say 'my wife had to go here or there today' rather than having to face the others alone with news he doesn't want to deliver. Maybe tell him to have each of those people that ask about you to call you?? You need a plan for him.

just remember to keep expressing your love and be patient.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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17-05-2013, 09:59 PM
RE: My "coming out letter"
or you could just tell the church gossip and let her spread the news for ya! Thumbsup


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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18-05-2013, 02:11 AM
RE: My "coming out letter"
(17-05-2013 09:29 PM)thinkingmom Wrote:  Thank you for the warm welcoming! You all just made me very happy that I posted It here first. This has been such a lonely lonely process. And I have had NO one to talk to about all this. So I appreciate your feedback so much. I was thinking that I may be OVERTHINKING this whole thing. Even my believing husband said he didnt see the need to send it out either. said it was realIy no ones business. guess he was right. Maybe this letter was more for ME than anything. when I was a believer this would have not made sense to me , it probably won't go over well and create the opposite reaction of what i really wanted.(my husband tried to tell me this) I never thought that this might come across as "cold" but I can see now that it might. So i am going to just take the individual approach. need to know basis. and if anyone is actually interested in my thinking process I will have this!
My husband is not happy about my apostacy but he respects my decision. we've had our communication challenges but all in all he's been pretty great actually. My 20 yr old son came out as an athiest when he was 18 and it completely shook my whole world. He was the kid who played quitar in 3 bands at church, volunteered, started a bible study at his school etc...i didnt know it then but his becoming an athiest and me trying to prove him wrong is what eventually led to my de-conversion. my husband the opposite, he siad that my sons athiesm caused his faith to grow STRONGER. Last year my 17 yr old also told us he no longer believed in God. My 12 year old has told me he has always been confused about God and the bible and he really doesnt understand. But he calls himself a christian. I have not told my children yet. No one knows but my husband.
I think that remembering what an uproar my sons sudden turn away from God caused in our family and how it rocked my world , I know what will be going through the minds of my immmediate family and my husbands family who are all christians. My husband is preachers kid! My sons really didn't have any good thought out reasons why they didnt believe so it was easy to discount what they were saying as "youthful rebellion" etc... So i guess i wanted to have it all thought through so i wouldnt be misunderstood by the ones closest t me. wow i really needed this feedback thank you so much Smile

Welcome to the forum friend!
You are very sensible and articulate.
You are spot on.

I reckon it will help you have direction and improve your self esteem if you GET ANGRY. You haven't (in your letter) vocalized how pissed off you are. I reckon you gotta let it out. Christianity is all about suppression and control. You are now breaking free.

Maybe reading this might help

http://www.markfulton.org/the-psychologi...ristianity

and this

http://www.markfulton.org/christianity-a...al-society
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18-05-2013, 08:22 AM
RE: My "coming out letter"
(17-05-2013 09:12 PM)cheapthrillseaker Wrote:  As much as I enjoy the "I don't believe this, I don't have to believe this and you can't make me" sentence it's too easily thrown back in a way that has others not believing in what I just said. Probably because it's something you'd expect a child to say. It does convey the baseline but with something so complicated as this, it's good to get all your ducks in a row.

At any moment if you're hit with something you don't know, it's okay to say that you will get back to them on it, do the research you need to do in what they said and get back to them. Otherwise it's just a point for Jesus.

And don't let it ruin your sanity or take up too much of your time. They don't need to know all the details in why you're not a believer. If it's something you're willing to do then all the power to you: might I suggest a caffeinated beverage, because it will be a long haul.

This isn't something that's going to go away in the next couple of weeks. Or months. Or years.

You're doing what feels right, and that's what matters. Even if it's for just a moment, and then it's a pain in the ass for a long while, knowing that you were being true to yourself during that moment can free you in ways you cannot imagine.

Just remember: you're looking out for #1 in this situation: you. Know yourself. Know your limits, know what you will and will not handle. Know that you're not alone and that you are worth it.
I have let this take up alot of my time for sure. It has consumed me to say the least. a lot of anxiety. I am not looking forward to the first confrontation but Im tired of not being true to myself as you say. Thanks Smile
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18-05-2013, 08:33 AM
RE: My "coming out letter"
(17-05-2013 09:50 PM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  Just my 2 cents...feel free to tell me to take a hike Smile It was just some thoughts I had.

patience with your husband.
discuss how you should tell the kids with your husband.
For me-I have lots of one on one talks with my kids on many subjects. So for me-it would be easier to discuss one on one but with your husbands knowledge that the conversation is taking place. Then after the news has a bit of time to sink in-then discuss as a family if needed.
Your youngest (since you mention that he is already expressing confusion) might have the hardest time. My girls are much younger than yours and when we discuss it the youngest feels like she is abandoning my husband. She's 7 so she looks for things to be fair all the time. She says things like 'no one is taking Dad's side-he's all alone' And no matter how much I try to explain that it isn't about sides and everyone in this family is free to choose what they wish and to change their feelings, she feels like she is betraying him. And honestly, somedays, my husband probably does feel alone. Just be prepared for that and be sensitive to it.

Does your husband still attend church regularly? And if you are not going with him, then make specific plans that day. It will be easier for him to walk in and say 'my wife had to go here or there today' rather than having to face the others alone with news he doesn't want to deliver. Maybe tell him to have each of those people that ask about you to call you?? You need a plan for him.

just remember to keep expressing your love and be patient.

I LOVE your 2 cents !!

My husband and I while we were both christians started studying about church practices and how you cant even find most of them in the scriptures. We stopped tithing first then we just stopped going to church. So at least thats not an issue.
I have had to learn to be patient with my husband. At first I wasn't and it caused many problems. I was not being fair and I was asking too much of him. We are not trying to convince each other any more and have learned to respect each others positions. I'm sure he does feel alone. I hate that.
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18-05-2013, 09:01 AM
RE: My "coming out letter"
Welcome to the forum friend!
You are very sensible and articulate.
You are spot on.

I reckon it will help you have direction and improve your self esteem if you GET ANGRY. You haven't (in your letter) vocalized how pissed off you are. I reckon you gotta let it out. Christianity is all about suppression and control. You are now breaking free.

Maybe reading this might help

http://www.markfulton.org/the-psychologi...ristianity

and this

http://www.markfulton.org/christianity-a...al-society
[/quote]



Wow great Blog !!

Reading this made me realize that I have been angry. But mostly at myself. For not researching for myself and for just being so gullible. I was a vulnerable teen when I became a christian and just opened my mouth letting myself be spoon fed all of what I should believe. I really kick myself for all the money in the name of TITHING that I gave. Even when we were broke. I thought God would bless us anyway. I am really angry about that. Even if you stay a christian, If you do a little research, It's NOT scriptural !! So thank you, maybe I need to get MORE angry.
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18-05-2013, 09:42 AM
RE: My "coming out letter"
(18-05-2013 09:01 AM)thinkingmom Wrote:  Welcome to the forum friend!
You are very sensible and articulate.
You are spot on.

I reckon it will help you have direction and improve your self esteem if you GET ANGRY. You haven't (in your letter) vocalized how pissed off you are. I reckon you gotta let it out. Christianity is all about suppression and control. You are now breaking free.

Maybe reading this might help

http://www.markfulton.org/the-psychologi...ristianity

and this

http://www.markfulton.org/christianity-a...al-society



Wow great Blog !!

Reading this made me realize that I have been angry. But mostly at myself. For not researching for myself and for just being so gullible. I was a vulnerable teen when I became a christian and just opened my mouth letting myself be spoon fed all of what I should believe. I really kick myself for all the money in the name of TITHING that I gave. Even when we were broke. I thought God would bless us anyway. I am really angry about that. Even if you stay a christian, If you do a little research, It's NOT scriptural !! So thank you, maybe I need to get MORE angry.
[/quote]

Anger is good, but put it to something productive. Don't let it fester and become bitter. It is a hard line to draw sometimes when you see the utter stupidity on the other side and the horrible things done in the name of a really bad fiction. But welcome to the forum and to the darkside, please see DLJ I believe he is in charge of the cookies this month.

(31-07-2014 04:37 PM)Luminon Wrote:  America is full of guns, but they're useless, because nobody has the courage to shoot an IRS agent in self-defense
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