My "coming out letter"
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18-05-2013, 11:49 AM (This post was last modified: 19-05-2013 10:48 AM by cjs.)
RE: My "coming out letter"
Thinkingmom, my BF of almost 4 years is a Christian, and I told him early on that I was agnostic. I've since progressed into atheism, but I wanted to be honest with him up front in case the god thing was a deal breaker. We respect each other's right to believe (or not) as we choose, and he understands I can't force myself to believe something and have to be true to myself and not a hypocrite. We disagree but share values of autonomy, loyalty, love, plus we kinda dig each other and would never find another who shares our passion and hobby of playing old-time music.

So a mixed theist/atheist relationship can work. It sounds like you and your husband have the love and patience to make it work. And since your kids are already questioning, your family values honesty, both emotional and intellectual. This is a good sign that y'all value love and family above all,which will see you through this. Y'all are already living proof that atheists and skeptics can be moral, family oriented, and compassionate. If you were not, you would not have gone through the ringer over this. Christians do not have the monopoly on family values, love, or morality.

Mark Fulton, I'm checking out your blog too, quite interesting and thought provoking!

Godless in the Magnolia State
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18-05-2013, 08:01 PM
RE: My "coming out letter"
(18-05-2013 11:49 AM)cjs Wrote:  So a mixed theist/atheist relationship can work. It sounds like you and your husband have the love and patience to make it work. And since your kids are already questioning, your family values honesty, both emotional and intellectual. This is a good sign that y'all value love and family above all,which will see you through this. Y'all are already living proof that atheists and skeptics can be moral, family oriented, and compassionate. If you were not, you would not have gone through the ringer over this. Christians do not have the monopoly on family values, love, or morality.

I really appreciate the encouragement! when I finally admitted to myself and my husband that I was an atheist I told him one of my fears was that this might ending up tearing us apart. I know sometimes this can happen.

I knew deep down that it wouldnt but it was good to clear the air.we both cried and talked for hours. He had the same fear turns out but we reassured each other that this was not a deal breaker for either of us. married 18 years with 3 boys and I love him more now than ever !!
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18-05-2013, 08:19 PM
RE: My "coming out letter"
(18-05-2013 08:01 PM)thinkingmom Wrote:  
(18-05-2013 11:49 AM)cjs Wrote:  So a mixed theist/atheist relationship can work. It sounds like you and your husband have the love and patience to make it work. And since your kids are already questioning, your family values honesty, both emotional and intellectual. This is a good sign that y'all value love and family above all,which will see you through this. Y'all are already living proof that atheists and skeptics can be moral, family oriented, and compassionate. If you were not, you would not have gone through the ringer over this. Christians do not have the monopoly on family values, love, or morality.

I really appreciate the encouragement! when I finally admitted to myself and my husband that I was an atheist I told him one of my fears was that this might ending up tearing us apart. I know sometimes this can happen.

I knew deep down that it wouldnt but it was good to clear the air.we both cried and talked for hours. He had the same fear turns out but we reassured each other that this was not a deal breaker for either of us. married 18 years with 3 boys and I love him more now than ever !!

This made me smile. It's good to hear about level headed people who can love each other enough to look past simple disagreements in theology and just....love each other. Good for the both of you, and your children. I wish you the best. Thumbsup

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
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18-05-2013, 09:37 PM
RE: My "coming out letter"
I think writing that letter was a good exercise in clarifying your own thoughts.

But you really don't need to send it to anybody.

Nonsense is nonsense, but the history of nonsense is a very important science.
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19-05-2013, 06:18 AM
RE: My "coming out letter"
The letter was great. when something is on my mind, I love to get it down on paper(puter). Sometimes in the mind we have so many thoughts, all fighting to be listened to by the focused mind, it just gets confusing. Writing them down and organizing them, editing them, reading them usually has a calming effect. Sometimes reading them after all of this "pencil therapy", make us understand them better and think clearer about what we want to think about a subject.
My guess is this letter writing has given you a great outlet for your emotions. It must have also given you great thought organization for what you believe, why and how it might effect your life. These are all good. I would suggest you also write five more letters.

The first would be the other side of your first letter. As a mother, loving wife, and my guess by the letters tone, the one in the family who is trying to keep the peace,(sorry if I guessed wrong) and calm in any given situation. It really lightens the load to, unload. Write a letter with no care, even, no organization if that is the feeling, let it out. Use caps, swear, yell, get angry. Write a letter telling what you think and feel as if you cared not if the information would destroy the listener. Maybe even read it out loud a few times, maybe edit, maybe not. No one is going to ever receive this letter but you. It is your outlet. Anger is an emotion that is best used once in a while and my guess is you have, like every normal person, anger built up about this part of your life. Better to get it out in a controlled, mentally helpful way than have bits of it leak out to people who's friendship you value.

Next, write personal letters to each of your kids and your husband. Be as personal as you can be. Write what you really think. All the emotion with no care if it seams sappy or embarrassing. Tell them your story with them included, as in, how your felling and fears relate to them and the family as a whole. Leave out the, "Noah math", kind of details, this is a letter about emotion, fear and love for your family.

To give the letters is not as important as writing them though I am sure they will be well received and become one of their most cherished items.

I have enjoyed following this journey and hope I have helped a little, even though I gave homework. I am with the majority on the giving of the blanket letter. It will just be printed off, forwarded, posted and used as a club to beat you with. Even worse, people are so different when not confronted face to face. If someone is worth having as a friend, and you just continue to be a friend, they will know, or care enough to ask. Tell them then, face to face.

Good luck,
Thank you for raising skeptical boys, I have many skeptical girls
T.H.
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19-05-2013, 11:11 AM
RE: My "coming out letter"
(19-05-2013 06:18 AM)T.H. Wrote:  The letter was great. when something is on my mind, I love to get it down on paper(puter). Sometimes in the mind we have so many thoughts, all fighting to be listened to by the focused mind, it just gets confusing. Writing them down and organizing them, editing them, reading them usually has a calming effect. Sometimes reading them after all of this "pencil therapy", make us understand them better and think clearer about what we want to think about a subject.
My guess is this letter writing has given you a great outlet for your emotions. It must have also given you great thought organization for what you believe, why and how it might effect your life. These are all good. I would suggest you also write five more letters.

The first would be the other side of your first letter. As a mother, loving wife, and my guess by the letters tone, the one in the family who is trying to keep the peace,(sorry if I guessed wrong) and calm in any given situation. It really lightens the load to, unload. Write a letter with no care, even, no organization if that is the feeling, let it out. Use caps, swear, yell, get angry. Write a letter telling what you think and feel as if you cared not if the information would destroy the listener. Maybe even read it out loud a few times, maybe edit, maybe not. No one is going to ever receive this letter but you. It is your outlet. Anger is an emotion that is best used once in a while and my guess is you have, like every normal person, anger built up about this part of your life. Better to get it out in a controlled, mentally helpful way than have bits of it leak out to people who's friendship you value.

Next, write personal letters to each of your kids and your husband. Be as personal as you can be. Write what you really think. All the emotion with no care if it seams sappy or embarrassing. Tell them your story with them included, as in, how your felling and fears relate to them and the family as a whole. Leave out the, "Noah math", kind of details, this is a letter about emotion, fear and love for your family.

To give the letters is not as important as writing them though I am sure they will be well received and become one of their most cherished items.

I have enjoyed following this journey and hope I have helped a little, even though I gave homework. I am with the majority on the giving of the blanket letter. It will just be printed off, forwarded, posted and used as a club to beat you with. Even worse, people are so different when not confronted face to face. If someone is worth having as a friend, and you just continue to be a friend, they will know, or care enough to ask. Tell them then, face to face.

Good luck,
Thank you for raising skeptical boys, I have many skeptical girls
T.H.

Thank you. You really hit the nail on the headSmile In every characterization peace keeper, the calm one etc.... and one thing I hadn't thought of, that I raised skeptical boys.

I dont know if my boys are skeptical because of me or in spite of me. Now that im thinking about it, before I began this deep dive into my doubts my oldest atheist son said to me ' Mom I brag to my friends all the time about how smart you are and how your always thinking outside the box. I just wonder if you've looked into your beliefs as deeply as you look into most other things. ' i told him that i felt that I had but his question lingered in my mind for the next couple of years as I concluded that I really hadn't. But I thought that I had.

wow that was a seed planted !!!

Writing does have a calming affect. i've NEVER written like this before. but i felt this was such a change in position that I needed to somehow document what was happening. I didnt want to forget this process and how i got to the decision I have come to. And your right it really helped to organize my thoughts. "pencil therapy" !! perfect Smile
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19-05-2013, 11:22 AM
RE: My "coming out letter"
You've already been given the best advice. I'd also try to remember that people will surprise you. For example I always considered my mil to be fairly religious. It wasn't until just a few years ago, I realized she was really more agnostic. Kinda blew my mind.

Welcome to the TTA!


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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19-05-2013, 07:04 PM
RE: My "coming out letter"
(19-05-2013 11:22 AM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  You've already been given the best advice. I'd also try to remember that people will surprise you. For example I always considered my mil to be fairly religious. It wasn't until just a few years ago, I realized she was really more agnostic. Kinda blew my mind.

Welcome to the TTA!

It will be interesting to see this all play out Smile
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19-05-2013, 08:29 PM
My "coming out letter"
With all the advice to write about your situation perhaps a journal would be in order? Electronic or traditional. Whichever best fits your needs.
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19-05-2013, 08:38 PM
RE: My "coming out letter"
Welcome!

You have been given great advice. Of course that's cause we are all brilliant and we are just like that! Tongue

On any and every level, it's hard to live a lie. It is exhausting...takes too much of your energy. I bet you are still the same person you were before you came to this realization. Just keep being that person and stop pretending that you are something you aren't. No one says to shout your non-belief from the rooftops. Just live honestly.

Read about it, write about it...come here and talk about it.

Enjoy your stay!

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude. Sleepy
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