My cousin died yesterday
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16-02-2015, 12:03 PM
My cousin died yesterday
You know, some days you just wish didn't happen. I knew this was coming, I did, but I kept hoping that maybe, somehow, it just wouldn't and that my cousin would be okay. And I've been crying off and on like a baby because while I'm glad she's not suffering, the finality hurts like hell.

Yesterday was starting off as a decent day, Jack (my husband) came home and we starting watching Youtube videos of game play throughs and playing on the computer and just spending time together since I start my new job tomorrow (actually we thought I started today, but they gave me the wrong information) and we don’t know what my days off will be.

Just before 2pm I happened to look at my facebook and felt my heart ripped from my chest. I happened to read this message from my cousin’s mother:

"Gotta say that I (Kandy) her mother am disappointed that posts are on here before this one that I’m posting.* My beautiful daughter (inside and out) Lexie is now with her Father God in Heaven. She was a fighter, and never gave up until the end. I will keep you posted for the future arrangements."

*This first part was later explained as people Lexie never talked about and her mother not knowing posting condolences before she'd had time to contact most of the immediate family. I can understand that, because I'd rather find out from her on facebook than a complete stranger on the same media. I would not have done well with a phone call, trying to talk to my mother was hard enough.

My cousin lost her fight with brain cancer. I knew it was coming, I knew she’d been going quickly downhill in her health the last two months, and I knew that since she hadn’t had another round of treatment that there was no hope for her survival. Her father died on January 31st, and I know that didn't help her emotionally, either. It makes me angry and upset to know that she’s gone, to know she made that choice, even though I respected it as being her personal choice. And now my cousin is gone.

She’s six months my junior, she’d been the closest family I’d had as a kid. We spent Christmases and Thanksgivings at our grandparents' house in Edgerton for years. We went to our uncle's funeral when he died of lung cancer when we were in high school. We went to our grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary and our other grandmother's memorial. And we'd just started talking a bit more often after her surgery to remove the first tumor and her therapy. It was like we'd never grown apart.

In fact, the last time I saw her was at our grandma’s memorial, she’d finished her first round of therapy and was doing better, she was still stressed, of course, because having a tumor in your skull isn’t a fun experience. But she was hopeful for the future, for her future. She wanted to have kids, to get married, and teach and help people and do so many more things.

But none of that will happen now, because at 30 years old, she’s dead. That finality makes me want to curl up into a ball and sob.

A few hours later the panic attacks started. All I could think about was how I was supposed to start my job on Monday, and how much I didn't want to go because I didn't want to suddenly think about her and start crying like an idiot in front of people I don't know. Thankfully I managed for the 2+ hours I was there before we could get in contact with the supervisor to find out that we didn't have to work until tomorrow.

The ache won’t ever really go away, it’ll just dull and I’ll carry on with my life. Just like with my Grandma. And I know my cousin is better off now, she’s not suffering through pain and fear, through seizures and weakness anymore. I had honestly hoped, though, that she’d managed to actually beat the odds when she turned 30. But the survival rate of the brain cancer she had is around 3%, I knew this after she first posted the diagnosis because I spent hours researching it, but I always had hope that with ever increasing medical knowledge and having gone to the UW Madison campus for her treatment, that she might stand a better chance. Sadly, even Dr. B couldn’t save her, especially without a second round of therapy to attack a new, inoperable set of tumors.

Honestly, the only thing that’s kept me from just drowning in a bottle of alcohol is my wonderful husband. Doing something like that just isn’t going to help me and I know that. And him being here has kept me as distracted as he can manage.

tl;dr: My 30 year old cousin is dead, she was a wonderful person, and I just needed a place without a shit ton of religious family members and friends spouting the god bullshit to vent at. Because all the well meaning prayers and "she's in a better place" sentiments are driving me nuts.

I doodle.
A lot.
My humor can also be very perverse, so forgive me if I make sexy fart jokes. :'D
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16-02-2015, 12:05 PM
RE: My cousin died yesterday
Hug


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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16-02-2015, 12:09 PM
RE: My cousin died yesterday
So sorry.

Hug

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16-02-2015, 12:12 PM
RE: My cousin died yesterday
I'm so sorry. (((Hugs)))
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16-02-2015, 12:19 PM
RE: My cousin died yesterday
So sorry to hear.

Hug
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16-02-2015, 12:21 PM
RE: My cousin died yesterday
So sorry for your loss.
Hug
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16-02-2015, 01:17 PM
RE: My cousin died yesterday
I am very sorry for your loss. Heart

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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16-02-2015, 03:20 PM
RE: My cousin died yesterday
Sincere condolences and thanks that your husband is so supportive.
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16-02-2015, 03:29 PM
RE: My cousin died yesterday
My heart always sinks when I read stories like this... There is nothing that I can add that would even remotely suppose some sort of understanding. Time does help with the pain, although never in its entirety. All I can say is that I am so sorry for your loss.
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16-02-2015, 04:12 PM
RE: My cousin died yesterday
Sorry to hear that. I went through something similar with my cousin, who also died from brain (and throat) cancer when she was in her early 30s. She lapsed into a coma just before the end. Family and friends bedecked the area around her bed with hand written quotes from the bible, held prayer circles, and even invoked strange, new age "prayer stones". The amount of religious crap was revolting to me, but it was how my family dealt with the pain. Luckily none of it happened during the times I came to visit.
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