My dad never wants to see me again...
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
06-02-2017, 11:20 AM
My dad never wants to see me again...
Gonna be a bit of a rant. But I want to get this off my chest.

I haven't talked to my father for a year as of last Christmas. The Christmas before we sat in a Starbucks on Marco Island, Florida. And while there we argued about the fact that I'm trans. To him, he'll only ever have a son. No matter what medical, legal, social, or emotional changes take place. He'll never consider me Emma.

We were able to deal with the fact that I'm an atheist. It led to several long debates and discussions about the existence of God. He could handle that, even in his ultra-conservative mind. He's a professor at Liberty University and a former Navy chief, for any who want to know. He's not a stupid man. He's just obstinate and hates LGBTQ people. And he can't deal with the fact that I fall in that acronym.

Lately I've been in the process of updating my documents with my new legal name. I needed a new passport, as that's one of the highest documents you can get to prove your identity in the US. It's ID at the federal level. About a week ago, I texted him to ask him for his DOB and birth place, required for my passport. First time I've really tried opening the lines of communication since the Starbucks blow-up.

More than a week lapsed and then he finally messaged me with this:
Quote:Remember that you father in heaven, and on earth with love you forever. I will be here if you decide to return, but will love you regardless of where you are. You will always be my #deadname# in my heart. #dob# #birthplace# Love, your dad.

This set me off, because I haven't gone anywhere. In fact, I actually did try talking to him once in early 2016 after the Starbucks blow-up. I called him and tried chatting with him, but he was mostly stoic and wouldn't answer but with one or two words. So I gave up. Some fucking "love"...

I replied with:

Quote:Thanks for getting back to me, but I already got the information I needed. I've gone nowhere, however I won't answer to my dead-name any longer. Please do contact me when you are willing to offer me enough basic respect to refer to me as I prefer. Best wishes, Emma

I had asked my mom for the info. They are long divorced, so I'm lucky she remembered. I had figured my dad was just going to completely ignore me.

He responded with this:

Quote:Won't happen son. I never had a daughter and nothing in the entire universe can change that fact, not even your choice to alter what you can on paper, by surgery, or by hormones. I will give you the basic respect of telling you the truth, no matter what you choose to hear. Do not come and visit me when I am dying or dead unless it is as #deadname#

My dad has completely rejected me. Given me a condition that I cannot meet. The old me is gone. He will never return. I didn't stay as the old me for my wife, and I'm sure as fuck not going to do it for my ass-hole of a dad.

I'm careening between wanting to sob and being so angry that I just think of everything I want to say in response. But I think I will let him have that last word. Maybe it will weigh on him over the years. He's the one who loses out in this deal. I'm not missing anything- a dad that forces his will upon me. No. No longer. He's the one who is losing his child. Pushing her away because of his own bigoted beliefs.

Fuck him.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 13 users Like Emma's post
06-02-2017, 11:26 AM
RE: My dad never wants to see me again...
I'm so sorry that happened to you. That sucks but it also sounds like it might be better for you to not have to deal with him in your life right now. People fucking suck sometimes.

You'll always be Emma to us!

Being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets
-Rick
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like TheBeardedDude's post
06-02-2017, 11:37 AM
RE: My dad never wants to see me again...
I am so incredibly sorry Sad I cannot imagine rejecting my child. I am sad for you (and for him.) He has to live the rest of his life mired in hate. What a miserable existence.

Do you have a good support system in place? ((hugs))

"If you don't have a seat at the table, you're probably on the menu."

[Image: parodia-michal-aniol-flying-spaghetti-monster.jpg]
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like ShadowProject's post
06-02-2017, 11:40 AM
RE: My dad never wants to see me again...
(06-02-2017 11:26 AM)TheBeardedDude Wrote:  I'm so sorry that happened to you. That sucks but it also sounds like it might be better for you to not have to deal with him in your life right now. People fucking suck sometimes.

You'll always be Emma to us!

Thank you, friend! Smile

(06-02-2017 11:37 AM)ShadowProject Wrote:  I am so incredibly sorry Sad I cannot imagine rejecting my child. I am sad for you (and for him.) He has to live the rest of his life mired in hate. What a miserable existence.

Do you have a good support system in place? ((hugs))

Thank you. TBH, I thought he'd overcome his hate for his own child. I underestimated his stubbornness.

I do have a good support system, sort of. Things are a tad shaky at the moment.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Emma's post
06-02-2017, 11:43 AM
RE: My dad never wants to see me again...
Sorry to see this. One of my nephews is gay, and when he came out to my brother's family, my brother kicked him out of the house. He lived with friends for many months. I had a chat with my brother (well, more than one) and he's come around on the issue and now accepts his son, albeit grudgingly. I'd like to think that your father will work it out and accept you before it's too late. Hug
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 6 users Like Fireball's post
06-02-2017, 11:44 AM
RE: My dad never wants to see me again...
I cannot imagine what both you and your father must be feeling and going through. Yes, your father too. You have to acknowledge that you just didn’t change the clothes on your back, in his eyes you are no longer “you”.

I hope time helps the two of you reconcile what must seem like an insurmountable obstacle. Right now it simply is too fresh for either side to step back and consider the other’s POV.

Good luck Emma.

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Full Circle's post
06-02-2017, 11:44 AM
RE: My dad never wants to see me again...
(06-02-2017 11:20 AM)Emma Wrote:  ...
But I think I will let him have that last word. Maybe it will weigh on him over the years.
...

Taking the high ground is admirable.

(06-02-2017 11:20 AM)Emma Wrote:  ...
Quote:...
I never had a daughter
...

Hard not to resist the temptation to say:

Quote:I am Emma.

Emma never had a father.

To be honest, being an indoctrinator at a faith myth-school would be reason enough to disown him.

Thumbsup

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 4 users Like DLJ's post
06-02-2017, 11:54 AM
RE: My dad never wants to see me again...
(06-02-2017 11:44 AM)DLJ Wrote:  
(06-02-2017 11:20 AM)Emma Wrote:  ...

Hard not to resist the temptation to say:

Quote:I am Emma.

Emma never had a father.

To be honest, being an indoctrinator at a faith myth-school would be reason enough to disown him.

Thumbsup

That's so true. The indoctrination fucked me up for too many years. Had I known I was trans at a younger age, and been able to transition, things might be much easier for me. I might pass better. He actively pushed me to be more masculine and more religious. Both of which I have now completely rejected.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
06-02-2017, 12:00 PM (This post was last modified: 06-02-2017 12:16 PM by Bucky Ball.)
RE: My dad never wants to see me again...
I would also take the high ground, but send him :

"1 Corinthians 13

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 I t does not dishonor others , it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I'm sure he is embarrassed and thinks these events are a failure, especially considering the horrible environment he chose to work in. Live your life. He may or may not come around. Don't wait.

Insufferable know-it-all.Einstein God has a plan for us. Please stop screwing it up with your prayers.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Bucky Ball's post
06-02-2017, 12:05 PM
RE: My dad never wants to see me again...
(06-02-2017 12:00 PM)Bucky Ball Wrote:  I would also take the high ground, but send him :

"1 Corinthians 13

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 [b]It does not dishonor others
, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I'm sure he is embarrassed and thinks these events is a failure, especially considering the horrible environment he chose to work in.

I've thought of half a dozen ways that I could confront his hypocrisy, but I think it's just not worth it. It will only make him more stubborn and dug in. He's convinced he's in the right, and no scripture from me will change that. It would have to come from someone he respects. And I'm not counted among those people.

I play out scenarios in my head of things I could say and how he would respond, over and over and over. It's a constant argument in my head right now.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply
Forum Jump: