My dad never wants to see me again...
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07-02-2017, 05:40 AM
RE: My dad never wants to see me again...
I hope it works out. I think I am quite cynical.

Perhaps one day it'll be okay and he'll

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NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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07-02-2017, 05:43 AM
RE: My dad never wants to see me again...
Quote:He needs time to process.

She said he completely rejected her.
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07-02-2017, 06:22 AM
RE: My dad never wants to see me again...
I'm so sorry for you, Emma.
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07-02-2017, 06:28 AM
RE: My dad never wants to see me again...
(07-02-2017 03:50 AM)SYZ Wrote:  I'm afraid—as an older bloke—that I'd offer a far more temperate view of your father's opinions and rejection of you and your chosen life-path Emma.

I don't see it as productive and/or conciliatory comments here saying stuff like "you're better off without him", "fuck him", "disown him", "it's good to take out the garbage", "he's already dead", or "he sounds like a right bastard".

We don't even know the bloke, and can't even imagine the psychological demons he's fighting right now—anguish, confusion, depression, fear, sorrow, and despair—to name some of the possibilities.

It's difficult for any other individual to comprehend the tsunami of mixed emotions that must flood a parent who's nurtured and fed and educated a child to discover after 20 years that their child chooses to no longer be a "son" or a "daughter", but the opposite of either.

After all, he is the bloke that looked after you during those earlier years—you can't justifiably simply write off all that care and support and those decades of genuine love and affection.

I'd also be interested to know what the "many, many other concessions" you made for him were.

Good luck. Smile

If her father holds her gender more important than their relationship, then I'd say it's the father doing the disservice to the relationship.

If my son came to me expressing gender dysphoria (or any other issue with his sexual or gender identity), I'd do my best to understand, do my best to be there for him, and under no circumstances would I demand that my opinion of his self-image take precedence over his own self-image itself.
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07-02-2017, 09:20 AM
RE: My dad never wants to see me again...
(06-02-2017 06:20 PM)dancefortwo Wrote:  Emma, I am the mother of a transgender daughter and I think I should tell you about how my husband and I dealt with her being transgender.

I'm not going to lie. It was a shock when she told me. At first I simply didn't accept it and went into denial, so did my husband. We fell apart and both became very depressed. I just wanted the whole thing to go away. There was a lot of tears.

Unless you're a parent it's difficult to understand what a parent feel when they have a baby. No matter who the parent is, even gay parents, have dreams for their children. It's almost impossible NOT to have dreams for your children. You look at them and see their future and imagine them being a teacher or architect or something. It's just a natural part of being a parent. But when a parent sees their children's future it's always kinda wrapped around their gender. It's hard to explain to non parents.

So when a son or daughter tells you that they're not what you always thought they were for 18 years of their life, it's shattering to a parent. Suddenly your mind has to completely come to a halt and reverse itself and think of your son as a daughter or daughter as a son and it's not an easy thing to do.

One thing I learned from reading about other parents who went through this is that it's ok to mourn the loss of the son or daughter. All the memories of a little boy are still swimming around in a parents head, all the photos of a baby boy, all the boy things you remember are different and gone. I still have the little blue baby booties that belonged to my "son" and I can't just throw them away because they're part of her past and part of my memories. I can't un-remember it. But once I allowed myself to mourn the loss of my son, that's when I finally recovered and accepted her. I had to go through that mourning process though. It's very important.

One big difference between my husband and I and your parents is that we are not religious AT ALL. I'm a lifelong atheist and my husband is an agnostic. This allowed us the freedom to be more flexible and not steep ourselves in rigid regulations that require believers to follow only one prescribed path. I don't know what to tell you about this aspect of your father's mind. I have no experience with religious belief.

So I don't know if this has helped you in anyway. It probably hasn't but just realize that parenting is not an easy thing. Maybe give your father some time. Perhaps if he understands the brain similarities of transgender people and their orientation it might help him. I read a few books on the subject and it helped me tremendously.

My husband and I are super proud of our daughter now. It took us a while to get there and it wasn't an easy road but I'd never have it any other way for her. She's a wonderful, fantastic person and happier than I've ever seen her and that makes me happy too.

Thank you friend, I really am glad that there I've come across someone who has that perspective. I think, if my dad ever does come around, it's going to be an incredibly difficult and long battle for him. He's known that I'm trans for two years, now. During the first year that he knew, he spent his time researching reasons why being trans is "bad" and/or "not a real thing". Pointing to chromosomes and other physical characteristics, but really lacking in understanding of what that means (for any who don't know, the whole "sex chromosomes" idea is somewhat sketchy- determining sex is far more complicated than that on a scientific basis, so simple people prefer the simple notion that genitals or chromosomes are the determining factor).

Anyway, he's taken the time to further research reasons to hate and disagree with my transition. He pointed to the faulty Paul McHugh study that suggests that trans people are unhappier after transitioning (completely false). Ugh.

So instead of trying to climb that hill of understanding, he's dug himself a into a deep hole, out of which he will have to climb in order to reach any level of acceptance.

Not impossible, but in two years he's made negative progress. It'll be a long road for him, and he doesn't want my help to get him out.

I want to offer him some empathy, but I'm too hurt to do so. A year ago, even after arguing about all these things in the middle of a Starbucks, I still wanted to believe that he just needed a little more time. I thought he loved me more than this. I thought for sure, if it was his own kid, he'd reach through that bluster of bigotry. He doesn't just need a little more time, he needs a LOT more time.

I've left the door open to him. My wife wanted to block his number so that he couldn't hurt me anymore. But I don't want to block him. There needs to be some avenue he can take to reach me.

In the mean time... I'm just mad. And sad. And I hope that fades because I don't want to feel like this forever.
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07-02-2017, 09:39 AM
RE: My dad never wants to see me again...
Can I ask, how old is your father and how old are you?

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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07-02-2017, 09:46 AM
RE: My dad never wants to see me again...
My dad is 60, and I'm nearing 36 (in a little over a week Sad)
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07-02-2017, 10:13 AM
RE: My dad never wants to see me again...
(07-02-2017 09:46 AM)Emma Wrote:  My dad is 60, and I'm nearing 36 (in a little over a week Sad)


Yeah, that's going to be a difficult road for him to accept you when he's a 60 years old person. It's easier when the parents are younger and the daughter or son is younger. My daughter came out to me when she was 18. Somewhere along the process of transitioning she said to me, "Mom, I'm the same person underneath, that part of me won't change." And that helped me alot.

But I worried that no one would love her and society would shun her and she'd never have a job or friends. I had a hard time sleeping for almost a year worrying about that but she's a nice person and people like that about her. She also passes as a girl so that kinda helps.

There has been some indication that transgender people generally have a very high IQ but it could be that being trans drives a person inward and you turn to reading or thinking about very serious subjects more than cis-gender people and this drives your IQ way up. (My daughter's IQ is off the charts.) So this is, in some ways, a positive aspect of being transgender. You're super smart people.

But you never know about people. Your father may come around someday when he's really old and tired. Or he may not.

If you haven't already, you might consider seeing a counselor about all the pain you're going through. My husband and I both went to a psychologist to talk about our problems and concerns. The psychologist had worked with transgender people throughout her career and she was very helpful.

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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07-02-2017, 10:53 AM
RE: My dad never wants to see me again...
(07-02-2017 10:13 AM)dancefortwo Wrote:  
(07-02-2017 09:46 AM)Emma Wrote:  My dad is 60, and I'm nearing 36 (in a little over a week Sad)


Yeah, that's going to be a difficult road for him to accept you when he's a 60 years old person. It's easier when the parents are younger and the daughter or son is younger. My daughter came out to me when she was 18. Somewhere along the process of transitioning she said to me, "Mom, I'm the same person underneath, that part of me won't change." And that helped me alot.

But I worried that no one would love her and society would shun her and she'd never have a job or friends. I had a hard time sleeping for almost a year worrying about that but she's a nice person and people like that about her. She also passes as a girl so that kinda helps.

There has been some indication that transgender people generally have a very high IQ but it could be that being trans drives a person inward and you turn to reading or thinking about very serious subjects more than cis-gender people and this drives your IQ way up. (My daughter's IQ is off the charts.) So this is, in some ways, a positive aspect of being transgender. You're super smart people.

But you never know about people. Your father may come around someday when he's really old and tired. Or he may not.

If you haven't already, you might consider seeing a counselor about all the pain you're going through. My husband and I both went to a psychologist to talk about our problems and concerns. The psychologist had worked with transgender people throughout her career and she was very helpful.

Thank you dance! I am still the same person, more or less. But I am also changed. Changed in some good ways, and some not-so-good ways. Like the rest of us, I'm trying to manage the good with the bad lol. But more or less, I still feel like I'm the same person.

I wish I could say I felt like I was super smart Chase lol. I don't feel that way. I do know a lot of trans people who are super intelligent and some that... just aren't. Undecided Bechased I sure as shit have made some really really stupid mistakes so far in my transition.

I do need to get back to my therapist. I've been seeing once since I started my transition, but we changed health insurance recently and she's not on Humana yet so I haven't gone back. I desperately need to, though. As bad as this is, I've got a lot more serious shit happening in my life than just this. I'm just trying to hold it all together.
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07-02-2017, 11:02 AM (This post was last modified: 07-02-2017 11:28 AM by GirlyMan.)
RE: My dad never wants to see me again...
(06-02-2017 11:20 AM)Emma Wrote:  I'm careening between wanting to sob and being so angry that I just think of everything I want to say in response. But I think I will let him have that last word.

You're a better woman than I am gunga emma.

Quote:Do not come and visit me when I am dying or dead unless it is as #deadname#

I'd've handed him a bouquet of dead flowers and told him "I guess I should give these to you now then."

I bet you will find that the closer he approaches his inevitable demise and sees the gaping maw of the beckoning void up close and personal like, the more open his mind will become and the more he will regret the things he's said and try to make things right. At least that's what I've seen.

There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. -Camus
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