My experience of depression
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15-05-2017, 08:41 AM
RE: My experience of depression
(15-05-2017 08:16 AM)LadyDay Wrote:  
(15-05-2017 07:55 AM)OakTree500 Wrote:  I've been through it, and it sucks.

I don't really think I can put into words how things got for me, but as a brief note it got to a point where I would often have suicidal thoughts, and I'd have to really try hard not to follow up on them, and it'd all be involuntary as well, like the thought comes of it's own accord into my head, normally when I'm doing something completely random, and it essentially 'shocks' me back into reality.

Not been in that sort of place for a while now, so if you're going through it I can only say "get help", whether that be just talking to somebody or visiting a doctor, it's better to do that than suffer in silence.

Yeah, I know that feeling of hopelessness and like it's just too damn hard work to continue the painful and hopeless existence. But fortunately I never reached the point where I tried to end it. Only got close once.

And don't worry. I'm getten loads of help. I have the most amazing psychiatrist on the planet and a great psychologist. Psychology sessions never really did anything for me, but medical treatment eventually really did. I got 53 Electroconvulsive Therapy treatments which really helped (something I like to advocate for, for people with severe treatment resistant depression. It's hard work, but it's not torture these days since you're under general anesthesia, so completely knocked out, and paralyzed with muscle relaxants so you don't flail about and hurt yourself), and I'm on a cocktail of 4 anti-depressants, the serious ones, and when needed two sedatives for anxiety. So I'm taken well care off and doing really, really well. I'm glad to be alive and get to enjoy it a lot. So there's light at the end of the tunnel for anybody, even these chronic cases. Medical science rocks!!!

Good to hear that. I think a very large part of dealing with these issues is Acceptance and Understanding, on a personal level. I know many people who are still deep in the black hole of depression, only because they don't fully understand what's happening, and think that the world is against them somehow.

I'm on medication, which helps me a lot, and I have an awesome support network behind me as well.

Awesome stuff that you're doing so well, keep going!

I don't want Fop, goddamn it! I'm a Dapper Dan man!
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15-05-2017, 08:47 AM
RE: My experience of depression
(15-05-2017 08:34 AM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(15-05-2017 08:33 AM)LadyDay Wrote:  By the coin spinny-thingy do you mean that it's like going around in circles and it takes a long time to reach the goal?

I mean it can spiral out of control at an ever increasing rate.

Have they ever tried Ritalin or any other psycho-stimulants on you?

Not so far. However my psychologist is starting to suspect that I might have a slight degree of Asbergers. If that's the case I figure that could be a relevant option (I'm not sure exactly how Asbergers is normally treated. I imagine more targeted therapy would be the chosen option.)

"I believe that while not all people are essentially good, most are trying" - Adam Savage
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15-05-2017, 09:03 AM
RE: My experience of depression
(15-05-2017 08:41 AM)OakTree500 Wrote:  Good to hear that. I think a very large part of dealing with these issues is Acceptance and Understanding, on a personal level. I know many people who are still deep in the black hole of depression, only because they don't fully understand what's happening, and think that the world is against them somehow.

I'm on medication, which helps me a lot, and I have an awesome support network behind me as well.

Awesome stuff that you're doing so well, keep going!

Definitely! Fully comprehending and reminding yourself that this is a proper, real disease helps a lot. At least it did for me. It means that when I'm having a bad day, I have the tools of thinking rationally about it, telling myself that this is brain chemistry, and that it will pass again. The things that feel hopeless and insurmountable aren't actually so and that will become clear again once the "attack" is over. And it makes it possible to "talk back" to the irrational thoughts going around your head. Once you gain enough will to accept the situation and push on, you end up developing mental tools to deal with it. A good psychologist is handy to help build those too.

Hopefully we can all support each other too. After I've become well enough to start opening up to others about my disease, it's dawned on my how many people deal with this! So there's a lot of people around who get it.

"I believe that while not all people are essentially good, most are trying" - Adam Savage
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15-05-2017, 10:52 AM
RE: My experience of depression
(15-05-2017 08:39 AM)LadyDay Wrote:  
(15-05-2017 08:28 AM)Dom Wrote:  I only ever had situational depression - after my second husband died. The weight you talked about describes it pretty well, as do the muddy thoughts.

It lasted some 7 months and cleared up as the triggers wore off. (Grief triggers do wear off over time).

I can't imagine feeling like that permanently.... glad to hear your treatments worked for you.

I'm sorry for your loss. I can definitely see how that can trigger a depression. I can't even begin to imagine how life would be without my amazing partner. I wouldn't have made here without his support. It's incredible how over a long time (we've been together for ten years so far) it's possible to just keep loving a person more and more. Despite the challenges all relationships go through eventually. Losing such a partner must be devastating.
I'm so glad to hear you managed to work through the grief.

We were together 30 years and it kept getting better and better. Grief induced depression sucks, any and everything can send you spiraling out of control - scents, sounds, a fork or any innocent item, and of course your thoughts. I thought I had gone over the deep end - as do most other people in that situation. It makes you think you're nuts.

The suicide thing - I had long decided that I would die by my own hand someday, rather than wither away in some institution. It wouldn't occur to me to do it based on emotions, I see it as a rational choice that fulfills a specific purpose - preservation of the quality of life. These thoughts have actually helped me through some shitty situations.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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16-05-2017, 01:12 AM
RE: My experience of depression
That's a very good description, it fits in closely with how I experience depression. I have a constant battle against just giving up and collapsing on the floor, never to move again.

I have a website here which discusses the issues and terminology surrounding religion and atheism. It's hopefully user friendly to all.
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16-05-2017, 04:37 AM
RE: My experience of depression
Hi LadyDay,

Unfortunately, I do know the feeling you describe. This is not something I easily admit to anyone, even to myself. The (hospital) diagnosis in my case is 'Panic disorder and phasal depression'. It has been lifelong, but diagnosed about 25 yrs ago. I am 69 in June.

Maybe stupidly, I have managed without meds, but counselling and alternative therapies have helped along the way. At the docs surgery recently, I saw my medical records, by accident, on the computer. It said "Anxiety and depression - not active." Of course it is active, but I'm so fiercely proud of that record that I won't mention anything to the docs unless I hit rock bottom. Just now the black dog is circling but I'm still managing.

I totally admire anyone dealing with this illness, as I knew two young people who ended their lives, which on the surface seemed fine, until their illness started. I'm now going to get myself out of bed and go to the dentist, where I will chat with my lovely hygienist and pretend everything is alright.

Goof thoughts to you and everyone in the struggle. Bowing

D.
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16-05-2017, 06:34 AM
RE: My experience of depression
LadyDay, in my family we know mental illness well. The way you describe your depression for those who are unaware is a good one. I am sorry that you are part of that group with us, but glad that you know yourself well.

Another way of helping others understand clinical depression and its ways with a person is that you can go from a day in which all is well with the world and normal and going happily along and be happy in it. The next day could be just the same happy, normal day going well...but you are weary and fearful and perhaps angry and tired to the bone and the people around you think you are stupid and ugly and totally incapable of doing your job and you just know they are looking for ways to fire you and you think maybe you just might look for a big tree on the way home from work to drive into in case you can't face another day like this one.

Nothing has changed about life. Something has changed inside to make it seem that way.

When any of us start picking out trees, it is a signal that we need to start talking to another person in our small family and keep talking until we feel it lift...and we can actually feel it lift when it happens.

We keep the phone lines always open in our family. My sister has manic-depression (bipolar is a term that does disservice to those who suffer what used to be called manic-depression, IMO) and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder with Anxiety/Panic Attacks. Do you have manic episodes? Those signals are at least a little more entertaining in her case; shopping and buying stuff and feeling absolutely terrific and able to do anything...but when she starts listening to her cats opinions or getting religious, she knows it has gone too far and is in danger of slipping into a full-blown manic episode. Usually, now, we get it under control when the buying stuff begins. The rest of us are lucky enough to just have mild clinical depression and mood swings and anxiety, but our family history has run the gamut of mental illness.

No cancer though...

Big hugs.

-Jeanne

"The Ox is slow, but the Earth is patient."
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16-05-2017, 07:50 AM
RE: My experience of depression
I suffered through an episode of clinical depression about a decade ago after a series of extremely difficult events happened within a few weeks.

At one point, I recall driving home from somewhere (don't remember where) and thinking that I wasn't going to bother putting my seat belt on because if a dump truck blew a stoplight and obliterated my car and me, it wouldn't really matter; in fact, it would provide a sense of relief.

Eventually I made an appointment with my physician and he prescribed a 6-month regime of Paxil and set up counselling appointments. He saved my life. Better living through chemistry, I suppose.

I came through it a better, stronger, more capable man.

LadyDay, you, too, will get through this. Hey, if I can do it...
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16-05-2017, 08:38 AM
RE: My experience of depression
(16-05-2017 07:50 AM)Heath_Tierney Wrote:  At one point, I recall driving home from somewhere (don't remember where) and thinking that I wasn't going to bother putting my seat belt on because if a dump truck blew a stoplight and obliterated my car and me, it wouldn't really matter; in fact, it would provide a sense of relief.
I've been in that mind set before. I remember getting really worked up about driving the car, because my thought process was "If I lose control of the car, and plough into a wall...it wouldn't be the worst thing I can think to be doing", which is just an odd way of thinking.

My real "wake up call" was standing on the beach and thinking, 'If I just walked out to sea right now, and died...that wouldn't be so bad', which when you start to half-argue with yourself about these things, again starts to become very odd that you've thought this...

I also hit the doctors shortly after, was offered counselling although feel I dont need it, but was given my medication and that works wonders for the most part. I'm still up and down at times, but it's mostly up instead of bleary headed and worried/depressed about everything, like I used to be.

The TL : DR is, it's a real bad place to be in and you can only really think [at the time] that by talking to people you're off loading your own garbage onto them, and they don't want to hear it. The reality is that a lot of people have the same issues, and there is so much help available ranging from just confiding in somebody you know/trust all the way up to counselling/doctors and so on.

I don't want Fop, goddamn it! I'm a Dapper Dan man!
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16-05-2017, 09:16 AM (This post was last modified: 16-05-2017 09:20 AM by LadyDay.)
RE: My experience of depression
(15-05-2017 10:52 AM)Dom Wrote:  We were together 30 years and it kept getting better and better. Grief induced depression sucks, any and everything can send you spiraling out of control - scents, sounds, a fork or any innocent item, and of course your thoughts. I thought I had gone over the deep end - as do most other people in that situation. It makes you think you're nuts.

The suicide thing - I had long decided that I would die by my own hand someday, rather than wither away in some institution. It wouldn't occur to me to do it based on emotions, I see it as a rational choice that fulfills a specific purpose - preservation of the quality of life. These thoughts have actually helped me through some shitty situations.

Death is a part of life and I can see how taking charge of that, just like you take charge of living, must be empowering.
I am young (I like to think. 30 anyway.) and I just found the ability to appreciate and enjoy life, I finally got excited about living it, so on good days I struggle to imagine a situation where I'd want to end it. Short of being locked in a body so wrecked that I'd have no way of communicate with people. I imagine what stride science might make, what is still left to be discovered, in thousands of years (assuming that kid Trump doesn't throw a fit that ends humanity) and wish I'd get to know. I wonder how life will evolve and what our planet will look like hundreds of thousands of years in the future.
But I also hope that when the end of life comes closer, I will feel satisfied with the life I've had and not too upset by the fact that it's going to end someday.
Maybe every day would be less special if there were an infinity of them. I don't know.

(16-05-2017 01:12 AM)Robvalue Wrote:  That's a very good description, it fits in closely with how I experience depression. I have a constant battle against just giving up and collapsing on the floor, never to move again.

It's incredible how literal it is isn't it. It's not just that you feel low on energy, you can't just make your body go on and do stuff on it's own despite the brain being muddy. You end up just sitting there. Stuck.
Fortunately it's become rarer that I feel this way. I'm sure it will for you too. You just need the right professional to take you by the hand, who gets that you can't always fight the battle yourself and come out victorious, you need them to fight with you.
Feel better.
:hugs:

(16-05-2017 04:37 AM)Dworkin Wrote:  Hi LadyDay,

Unfortunately, I do know the feeling you describe. This is not something I easily admit to anyone, even to myself. The (hospital) diagnosis in my case is 'Panic disorder and phasal depression'. It has been lifelong, but diagnosed about 25 yrs ago. I am 69 in June.

Maybe stupidly, I have managed without meds, but counselling and alternative therapies have helped along the way. At the docs surgery recently, I saw my medical records, by accident, on the computer. It said "Anxiety and depression - not active." Of course it is active, but I'm so fiercely proud of that record that I won't mention anything to the docs unless I hit rock bottom. Just now the black dog is circling but I'm still managing.

I totally admire anyone dealing with this illness, as I knew two young people who ended their lives, which on the surface seemed fine, until their illness started. I'm now going to get myself out of bed and go to the dentist, where I will chat with my lovely hygienist and pretend everything is alright.

Goof thoughts to you and everyone in the struggle. Bowing

D.

Proud and stubborn you old people Wink
I imagine self-reliance and not making a fuss must have been a result of growing up relatively shortly after the war.
But please don't settle for less than what you can have out of being too proud to ask for assistance.
But I'm just a kid, grown in an era of luxury and feeling of entitlement, so what do I know. Rolleyes

(16-05-2017 06:34 AM)Jeanne Wrote:  LadyDay, in my family we know mental illness well. The way you describe your depression for those who are unaware is a good one. I am sorry that you are part of that group with us, but glad that you know yourself well.

Another way of helping others understand clinical depression and its ways with a person is that you can go from a day in which all is well with the world and normal and going happily along and be happy in it. The next day could be just the same happy, normal day going well...but you are weary and fearful and perhaps angry and tired to the bone and the people around you think you are stupid and ugly and totally incapable of doing your job and you just know they are looking for ways to fire you and you think maybe you just might look for a big tree on the way home from work to drive into in case you can't face another day like this one.

Nothing has changed about life. Something has changed inside to make it seem that way.

When any of us start picking out trees, it is a signal that we need to start talking to another person in our small family and keep talking until we feel it lift...and we can actually feel it lift when it happens.

We keep the phone lines always open in our family. My sister has manic-depression (bipolar is a term that does disservice to those who suffer what used to be called manic-depression, IMO) and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder with Anxiety/Panic Attacks. Do you have manic episodes? Those signals are at least a little more entertaining in her case; shopping and buying stuff and feeling absolutely terrific and able to do anything...but when she starts listening to her cats opinions or getting religious, she knows it has gone too far and is in danger of slipping into a full-blown manic episode. Usually, now, we get it under control when the buying stuff begins. The rest of us are lucky enough to just have mild clinical depression and mood swings and anxiety, but our family history has run the gamut of mental illness.

No cancer though...

Big hugs.

-Jeanne

Haha. Good point. No cancer in my family either. So that's a positive.

I like to think that I've come to know myself well after so many years of this. But it feels like that has only been the last two years, while I've been sick for 20, it's been fumbling around in the dark until then it seems. So the big revelations have taken a while to show up out of the disease. But then again I guess nobody fully know or understand themselves in their twenties. Now that I've reached the big thirty I expect the wisdom that comes from age to show up any day. Big Grin

You are exactly right about how it changes from day to day. Even minute to minute. It's hard for people around to understand sometimes. My boyfriend understands me and my disease better than anybody, but even he can get puzzled and ask "what happened?" when I suddenly hit the wall and go from feeling great and content to being miserable and unable to cope with life. Sometimes it's the straw that breaks the camels back. Except the camel was trotting along carrying the straw just fine until that last one. And "I spilled my glass of cola" isn't really a satisfactory answer to why you're suddenly a sobbing mess with panic attacks out of nowhere! Laugh out load

My family has a lot of cases of mental illness too. Mostly depression. One of my sisters isn't depressed much, but has bulimia. The other sister and both my parents have had a bit of depression. Fortunately they're better now. There's also good indications that at least two of my grandparents have/had depression, but they never got any diagnosis. It's just not something one talked about in that generation I figure. One of my mothers sisters had bad paranoid schizophrenia, but nobody else in the family have had that. Otherwise I don't know the siblings of my parents, and their children, well enough to know if they've had any.
I do not talk to my parents and the youngest of my sisters about it much. The fundamentalist religion that they constantly invoke makes it hard to communicate. The oldest of my sisters is different, and we talk about it regularly. Otherwise it's my boyfriend and a couple of close friends I rely on for somebody to talk to, and that means a lot. Somebody caring makes a huge difference!

I haven't had any manic episodes.

(16-05-2017 07:50 AM)Heath_Tierney Wrote:  I suffered through an episode of clinical depression about a decade ago after a series of extremely difficult events happened within a few weeks.

At one point, I recall driving home from somewhere (don't remember where) and thinking that I wasn't going to bother putting my seat belt on because if a dump truck blew a stoplight and obliterated my car and me, it wouldn't really matter; in fact, it would provide a sense of relief.

Eventually I made an appointment with my physician and he prescribed a 6-month regime of Paxil and set up counselling appointments. He saved my life. Better living through chemistry, I suppose.

I came through it a better, stronger, more capable man.

LadyDay, you, too, will get through this. Hey, if I can do it...

I've come to the point of accepting the medicine. That it's necessary for me to function and remain alive. I see it as the same thing as a diabetic needing medicine to stay healthy too. Just like many other diseases, whether it's for a period until you're cured or a chronic illness. Depression is a disease of the brain after all, not just normal feeling upset about something, so it's only fitting to take advantage of the medical treatments available. You don't expect diabetics to just power through without medicine either after all. Unfortunately there's a widespread lack of understanding when it comes to depression and anxiety, but we shouldn't let that affect our way of thinking.
It's alright for sick people to "live through chemistry" Smile

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