My hangover is enough of a reminder of last night.
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16-12-2012, 11:27 PM
RE: My sex life has become a total bore.
You need to see the problems that *you* are causing too, because the reason she's not keen is 99% certain because something bothers her about how *you* are. You need to realise that it's not a thing where one person's doing it wrong and the other is innocent. She might not even have thought it through, but consciously or subconsciously, guaranteed, there's something about your behaviour that bothers her enough to be a big turn off. You need to *talk* to her and *listen*. Even if what she says seems wrong or unfair, you need to communicate.

You need to be sensitive about how you ask and answer too. 'Cos if you just say "Well, what am I doing wrong?" it comes across like you're blaming her and stuff... very difficult to get right.


*Probably* should go see a counsellor. Difficult to be objective in a situation like this.
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16-12-2012, 11:28 PM (This post was last modified: 17-12-2012 06:19 PM by germanyt.)
RE: My sex life has become a total bore.
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“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect.”

-Mark Twain
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16-12-2012, 11:30 PM
RE: My sex life has become a total bore.
(16-12-2012 11:23 PM)germanyt Wrote:  
(16-12-2012 11:18 PM)lucradis Wrote:  Just because the distaste for things hasn't been sudden doesn't make it any less. It really sounds like you're looking for a scapegoat for your frustrations.
If you cheat on your wife for pretty much any reason it makes you a fucking punk.
If your dissatisfaction became so much that you weren't willing to attempt counselling whether alone or in couples, then settle for divorce so you at least don't cheat. I hate punks and if I were kc I'd come to your house and smack you right now.
Chances are after divorce you'd feel refreshed And assume you'd made the right choice. You know until time passed and you felt just as shitty.
But if you're not willing to make the extra effort then get out now and safe your wife the time so she is still young enough to find another dude who will.
Why am I the bad guy for wanting some excitement in my life? Why should we accept mediocrity in our married and aged lives? I'm not saying I am going to cheat on my wife. I'm not even saying I would divorce my wife. Trust me, the stability of my daughters life is enough for me to endure much more than a terrible marriage.

If some sort of counseling is the answer then I am willing to go through it. I just don't know where to go or how to approach the topic with my wife.
Your investment in the marriage is the answer--counseling is a means to get there....which you might want to reframe as an opportunity rather than something to suffer through.

Tell your wife you miss the old days, you've noticed changes, you want things better between you...and don't get all pissy & defensive if she doesn't react the way you hope she will. Make sure you don't bring it up when emotions are high.

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16-12-2012, 11:31 PM (This post was last modified: 17-12-2012 06:19 PM by germanyt.)
RE: My sex life has become a total bore.
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“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect.”

-Mark Twain
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16-12-2012, 11:31 PM
RE: My sex life has become a total bore.
(16-12-2012 11:26 PM)Misanthropik Wrote:  
(16-12-2012 11:20 PM)germanyt Wrote:  Tell me why I should continue in an unhappy existence instead of pursing my own. If I can't be provided some advice that might do something to make me happy then why should I bend over backwards to keep her happy? I'm disgusted with you. You're practically a male feminist that is taking her side because she is a woman and because she isn't internet savvy enough to have posted a similar topic. You have no idea what her position is but because you don't know you are assuming that she is the innocent victim of a husband who is having serious sexual desires. You obviously aren't experienced enough in love or relationsihps for me to consider your opinion. If your goal was to piss me off then congrats you have have succeeded.

While it wasn't my goal, I can't say I'm disheartened that I've pissed you off. Wink

Anyway, it's quite the contrary, my friend. I have far too much experience with love and relationships. And what I know about love is that it is selfless. It places the object of its affection ahead of itself. Love would happily gnaw off its own leg if it meant sparing its partner even the slightest ounce of pain. Love becomes sickened by the idea of betraying the love of its significant other.

You're correct, I don't know her side of the argument, and for all I know, she's already getting plowed by your best friend. Rest assured, if that were the case, I would be aiming my disapproval at her, just as I am at you. However, I do not take one side over the other. It doesn't matter if I'm reprimanding you or her; I do not and will not approve of the betrayal of another by their partner. She could be the most vile, self-serving cunt on the planet, and I'd still defend her against an act of betrayal. That's called being objective.

Objectivity and decency disgust you? I can't honestly say that I'm surprised. You've shown yourself to be nothing but self-serving and self-righteous thus far. It would be foolish to expect you to change your routine.

Decency? What's this Miso? Judeo-christian / Paulian morality? Or is the 'betrayal' related to the breaking of a contract?

If the latter, I agree.

Otherwise, get with the Bonobos.

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16-12-2012, 11:34 PM
RE: My sex life has become a total bore.
The latter, DLJ. Obviously.

Through profound pain comes profound knowledge.
Ridi, Pagliaccio, sul tuo amore infranto! Ridi del duol, che t'avvelena il cor!
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16-12-2012, 11:35 PM
RE: My sex life has become a total bore.
(16-12-2012 11:28 PM)germanyt Wrote:  
(16-12-2012 11:20 PM)DLJ Wrote:  Yup. I've been there and can relate.

Look into brain chemistry...
http://www.youramazingbrain.org/lovesex/sciencelove.htm

... in particular, stage three. 'Head-over-heels' was stage two.

You are fighting against evolution in trying to make it last forever.

Dom and others have managed it... Dom, where are you? You are needed here.

Also, read about Transactional Analysis.
When she is being condescending, she is being 'parent' to your 'child'. You need to get this across to her in an adult-adult conversation.
I wish there was some way to describe it. I live in condescention. If I want to have meatball subs and we are discussing it over the phone I hear shit like 'I don't think we have enough bread for that'. I know it' doesn't sound like much when I type it but when you hear it it make you want to fucking blow a gasket.

Fact is that I'm happy with me and not happy with her. If that makes me a piece of shit then so be it. If someone has any thoughts as to how to mend things then I'm all ears because I care much more for my daughter's well being than anything I want or need.

Seriously dude, read up on brain chemistry then you will understand what is happening to you.

Once you understand that, you can step back from the 'feelings' and decide a plan of action.

Also, in case you didn't know, 'boredom' is classified as a form of anger. It's one of the milder forms of anger like e.g. withdrawal which is what has also been happening over the last two years, I guess (for you and for her).

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16-12-2012, 11:38 PM
RE: My sex life has become a total bore.
Wanting more in the sack is not what's making you out to be the bad guy, it's the way you're addressing it. Taking about how other girls hit on you, how you don't want to cheat but you know...
Also at no point in this thread have you expressed an interest in seeing her point of view. The closest you've gotten is to admit she might have one.
I mean fuck GT, you've hit on girls on this forum and make no apologies for that behaviour. You come across like a guy who's used to getting what they want and when that doesn't happen you pout and look for things to blame. Life sucks but sometimes it's our fault life sucks. Believe me I know. My current life situation is almost entirely my fault and it took a long time for me to realize that and accept it. I blamed my wife for a lot of my problems and almost none of them were her fault. Now that I know that I'm a lot happier in my relationship. We still have our problems but at least they are real and I'm not imagining them just to avoid accepting blame.

"I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments." -Jim Morrison
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16-12-2012, 11:39 PM (This post was last modified: 17-12-2012 06:19 PM by germanyt.)
RE: My sex life has become a total bore.
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“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect.”

-Mark Twain
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16-12-2012, 11:43 PM
RE: My sex life has become a total bore.
(16-12-2012 11:31 PM)germanyt Wrote:  
(16-12-2012 11:21 PM)Percepticon Wrote:  It might make me feel a lil' sick, too. You said she doesn't have other interests, while you do...but maybe she's grown in other areas--like outgrowing the bar scene? How much would you say alcohol interferes with your relationship? Do you think you drink too much or too frequently? And no wonder you're so goddamned frustrated now, holding back your thoughts for two years....it won't fix itself, ya' know...and it won't be overnight. Y'all gotta' be invested in each other and the marriage for it to work.
I don't know how to answer your question. I drink often. I'm an admitted functional alcoholic. I'm drinking a Jim and Coke as we type. But alcohol doesn't interfere with anything.

After so long I'm starting to wonder if marriage should or shouldn't require so much work. Why should I or anyone invest to much effort and headache into something for the social acceptance of others? Will my life be overall less fulfilling if I die married or die single?
Well that right there tells me you have no interest in actually having a loving, partnered relationship with your wife. ALL relationships take work of some sort. I didn't realize you were doing this for social acceptance--I thought you wanted to improve relations with the woman you loved enough to say, "I do" to.

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