My husband found Jesus
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14-05-2017, 02:12 PM
Sad My husband found Jesus
This is going to be long. If you can, please read it all. (TLBig GrinR, my Japanese husband found Jesus after we moved to the US and doesn't care that I went through a terrible experience at the hands of Christianity)

I'm in a bit of a tough spot. My husband and I have been married for five years. He is Japanese and I'm American, we moved to the US from Japan four years ago. About three years ago he lost his job and went through a very stressful time. During that time he found an all Japanese Christian church that he now attends every Sunday. On Mondays and Saturdays he goes to additional bible study. When he first got into religion I thought it was just a phase that would pass after he found another job, but it's been three years and I'm at the end of my rope.

When we were dating in Japan I told him that I was raised Mormon and went through a terrible depression while attending BYU for college. At BYU you must be faithful to the church or else you could be expelled. College was very important to me and my parents said they would pay for it as long as I attended a Mormon school. I wanted to finish debt-free and BYU is a great school that could open a lot of doors career-wise so I put on a happy face and pretended I believed. By my senior year I could no longer put on a happy face. I became very depressed and started cutting myself. After I graduated I moved to Japan, a country with very few Christians and very few religious zealots of any kind. When I told my husband (then boyfriend) he said he thought what happened to me was terrible and that he didn't understand why westerners were so religious.

Now that he's found Jesus he doesn't seem to care what I went through, or that his insistence on me attending church just brings back terrible memories and a lot of stress. He says he loves me second and that he loves Jesus first. To top it all off, he gives Jesus credit for blessing him when I'm the one who is actually providing for him. For example, he thanks Jesus for helping him go to college, and he praises Jesus for providing him with enough money that he doesn't need to work while he's in school. He is currently in college at my encouraging, and he has a roof over his head because I'm the one with a job and I can provide for both of us. All of that was me, not Jesus!. He's developed this attitude where if anything goes wrong for him he says Jesus doesn't care about that thing, even if it went wrong because he was the one who didn't put forth the effort. For example, he failed his chemistry class because he didn't study and instead of saying he needs to study harder he claimed that he didn't do well because God doesn't care about chemistry.

If I try to say, "God helps those who help themselves," he says that since I don't believe in God, I don't know what God will do. Then I remind him that I was raised in a Christian home, that I went to church every Sunday when I was younger, and in high school I attended seminary every day before school. On top of all of that, I also went to a university where bible studies were required for graduation. I know the bible very well, I studied it at the college level! He then responds that I was mormon and that mormons aren't Christians and that they don't believe in the bible so I can't know anything about it, all of which is untrue.

The thing that really makes this difficult is that this church is all Japanese, it's the one place he can go in the city where we live to be surrounded by his native language and culture. I've tried to find other Japanese groups in town, but this church seems to be the only one.

I don't know what to do. I love my husband. I don't want to get a divorce, I just want the real him back.
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14-05-2017, 04:38 PM
RE: My husband found Jesus
(14-05-2017 02:12 PM)Miyazaki Wrote:  This is going to be long. If you can, please read it all. (TLBig GrinR, my Japanese husband found Jesus after we moved to the US and doesn't care that I went through a terrible experience at the hands of Christianity)

I'm in a bit of a tough spot. My husband and I have been married for five years. He is Japanese and I'm American, we moved to the US from Japan four years ago. About three years ago he lost his job and went through a very stressful time. During that time he found an all Japanese Christian church that he now attends every Sunday. On Mondays and Saturdays he goes to additional bible study. When he first got into religion I thought it was just a phase that would pass after he found another job, but it's been three years and I'm at the end of my rope.

When we were dating in Japan I told him that I was raised Mormon and went through a terrible depression while attending BYU for college. At BYU you must be faithful to the church or else you could be expelled. College was very important to me and my parents said they would pay for it as long as I attended a Mormon school. I wanted to finish debt-free and BYU is a great school that could open a lot of doors career-wise so I put on a happy face and pretended I believed. By my senior year I could no longer put on a happy face. I became very depressed and started cutting myself. After I graduated I moved to Japan, a country with very few Christians and very few religious zealots of any kind. When I told my husband (then boyfriend) he said he thought what happened to me was terrible and that he didn't understand why westerners were so religious.

Now that he's found Jesus he doesn't seem to care what I went through, or that his insistence on me attending church just brings back terrible memories and a lot of stress. He says he loves me second and that he loves Jesus first. To top it all off, he gives Jesus credit for blessing him when I'm the one who is actually providing for him. For example, he thanks Jesus for helping him go to college, and he praises Jesus for providing him with enough money that he doesn't need to work while he's in school. He is currently in college at my encouraging, and he has a roof over his head because I'm the one with a job and I can provide for both of us. All of that was me, not Jesus!. He's developed this attitude where if anything goes wrong for him he says Jesus doesn't care about that thing, even if it went wrong because he was the one who didn't put forth the effort. For example, he failed his chemistry class because he didn't study and instead of saying he needs to study harder he claimed that he didn't do well because God doesn't care about chemistry.

If I try to say, "God helps those who help themselves," he says that since I don't believe in God, I don't know what God will do. Then I remind him that I was raised in a Christian home, that I went to church every Sunday when I was younger, and in high school I attended seminary every day before school. On top of all of that, I also went to a university where bible studies were required for graduation. I know the bible very well, I studied it at the college level! He then responds that I was mormon and that mormons aren't Christians and that they don't believe in the bible so I can't know anything about it, all of which is untrue.

The thing that really makes this difficult is that this church is all Japanese, it's the one place he can go in the city where we live to be surrounded by his native language and culture. I've tried to find other Japanese groups in town, but this church seems to be the only one.

I don't know what to do. I love my husband. I don't want to get a divorce, I just want the real him back.

> Stop paying his bills and let him see if Jesus will bail him out.
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14-05-2017, 04:57 PM
RE: My husband found Jesus
I wish I could give better ideas for support...the situation you describe would be a deal-breaker for me. However, we have many members here who are in a mirror situation to yours: they both started as Christians and one became an atheist. Some have managed to work things out quite well.

The first thing I'd suggest would be marriage counseling with a secular therapist. Also, I think you should refuse to go to church with him. I hope that you can also find a social system that is secular and welcoming to you and your husband that may eventually provide a wedge between him and his church.

It's probably a combination of culture shock and stress that led him to religion, but it also seems that he's dug in hard. You're in a very difficult situation. I hope you can work it out, but I think you'll only be able to do so if you can make religion a no-go area between the two of you. (He doesn't force you to go to church with him, you don't force him to defend his new beliefs.) That will work best if you have other shared interests, which I'm sure is the case.
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14-05-2017, 05:41 PM
RE: My husband found Jesus
(14-05-2017 02:12 PM)Miyazaki Wrote:  
This is going to be long. If you can, please read it all. (TLBig GrinR, my Japanese husband found Jesus after we moved to the US and doesn't care that I went through a terrible experience at the hands of Christianity)

I'm in a bit of a tough spot. My husband and I have been married for five years. He is Japanese and I'm American, we moved to the US from Japan four years ago. About three years ago he lost his job and went through a very stressful time. During that time he found an all Japanese Christian church that he now attends every Sunday. On Mondays and Saturdays he goes to additional bible study. When he first got into religion I thought it was just a phase that would pass after he found another job, but it's been three years and I'm at the end of my rope.

When we were dating in Japan I told him that I was raised Mormon and went through a terrible depression while attending BYU for college. At BYU you must be faithful to the church or else you could be expelled. College was very important to me and my parents said they would pay for it as long as I attended a Mormon school. I wanted to finish debt-free and BYU is a great school that could open a lot of doors career-wise so I put on a happy face and pretended I believed. By my senior year I could no longer put on a happy face. I became very depressed and started cutting myself. After I graduated I moved to Japan, a country with very few Christians and very few religious zealots of any kind. When I told my husband (then boyfriend) he said he thought what happened to me was terrible and that he didn't understand why westerners were so religious.

Now that he's found Jesus he doesn't seem to care what I went through, or that his insistence on me attending church just brings back terrible memories and a lot of stress. He says he loves me second and that he loves Jesus first. To top it all off, he gives Jesus credit for blessing him when I'm the one who is actually providing for him. For example, he thanks Jesus for helping him go to college, and he praises Jesus for providing him with enough money that he doesn't need to work while he's in school. He is currently in college at my encouraging, and he has a roof over his head because I'm the one with a job and I can provide for both of us. All of that was me, not Jesus!. He's developed this attitude where if anything goes wrong for him he says Jesus doesn't care about that thing, even if it went wrong because he was the one who didn't put forth the effort. For example, he failed his chemistry class because he didn't study and instead of saying he needs to study harder he claimed that he didn't do well because God doesn't care about chemistry.

If I try to say, "God helps those who help themselves," he says that since I don't believe in God, I don't know what God will do. Then I remind him that I was raised in a Christian home, that I went to church every Sunday when I was younger, and in high school I attended seminary every day before school. On top of all of that, I also went to a university where bible studies were required for graduation. I know the bible very well, I studied it at the college level! He then responds that I was mormon and that mormons aren't Christians and that they don't believe in the bible so I can't know anything about it, all of which is untrue.

The thing that really makes this difficult is that this church is all Japanese, it's the one place he can go in the city where we live to be surrounded by his native language and culture. I've tried to find other Japanese groups in town, but this church seems to be the only one.

I don't know what to do. I love my husband. I don't want to get a divorce, I just want the real him back.

You may have a long row to hoe friend, if he is worth it.

Do you speak Japanese or is this Japanese christian club basically excluding your attendance? (just curious)

Your bible background knowledge could be an asset at speeding him through his "Christian quest", right to the true "RED PILL" of reality.
Your greatest challenge is how to play it coyly so your hand ultimately gets him back, but in his growth time. You should best know which buttons and levers will facilitate his sensibilities and logic to bring him around.

I went through six years of a type of "submission" to my spouse's "spiritual growth path into the Baptist trappings". Now, we're at year 39 of our fulfilling relationship.
We have both grown beyond the Jesus & club chit and both see it all now for what it truly is; a fuc'n deception. (oh, and so much more)

Now as we both become comfortable with the label of atheists, we agree that we're a happier couple for that p.i.a. experience. (well we can't undo our past, so we look for the lemonade )

Our discussions of life, death, old friends which we still include are a little more interesting too. For me, growing old together is a precious opportunity and a testament that yes, she is truly worth it.

Heavens, I wouldn't want to be tested like that again though. Six years and a lot of $$ was plenty e-nuff! Undecided
I believe long suffering is a virtue and testament for a lasting love.

Good luck with your near, and distant "future" ... decisions.

You have to be odd to be #1.
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14-05-2017, 07:39 PM
RE: My husband found Jesus
You should not be foolin' around with the gardener without an escape plan if the hubby comes home early.
Did he find him under the bed or in the closet?

The above was written without reading the OP.
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14-05-2017, 08:13 PM
RE: My husband found Jesus
That's some serious bad luck OP. I taught English in Japan for years and I think I've only met 4 or so Japanese Christians. The most repulsive one being a supposed sincere convert here in the United States. Just thinking about the very short conversations I had with her makes me want to vomit. Coincidentally I also lived in Utah for awhile as well. I'm pretty sure killing myself would be better than going to BYU.

I think the best you can do is simply not talk about religion and god with your husband. Just tune it out. I actually think my marriage gets easier the less we talk. I couldn't imagine if she went Christian though. Fortunately, she's one of the few people I've ever met who hates Christianity as much as I do.
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14-05-2017, 08:48 PM
RE: My husband found Jesus
Just because you had a bad experience with religion doesn't mean he will and if he wants to go down that route you shouldn't stop him.
Of course, he should respect your opinion and not try to force his new found beliefs on you (especially because they're wrong and stupid).

No one gets married knowing they're gonna divorce. No one wants to originally get a divorce. And yet the divorce rate is what? 50%?
I'm not saying that's the best outcome for you, I'm just saying that if he's no longer the man you love and you can't work out your differences, life's too short to not just cut the cord and go your separate ways and save both of you time and hassle.

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14-05-2017, 10:22 PM
RE: My husband found Jesus
That sounds extremely difficult, I'm so sorry Sad I can't imagine how much it must hurt to be told that you're now second to some imaginary character.

I really hope you can work it out somehow. I agree with julep to try secular therapy. And you absolutely should not have to go to church with him. It's really cruel that he would try and insist on that. It's disrespectful in the first place, but considering your past, it's really messed up. If he makes an ultimatum where it's church or nothing, then I would say you've truly lost him. If he won't agree to therapy or to be reasonable, then it's nothing more than emotional blackmail.

I have a website here which discusses the issues and terminology surrounding religion and atheism. It's hopefully user friendly to all.
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14-05-2017, 10:36 PM
RE: My husband found Jesus
I agree with Gwaithmir. Stop paying his bills
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14-05-2017, 10:49 PM
RE: My husband found Jesus
It makes me sick when people recruit those who are vulnerable into their cult, under the guise of support. I've heard it so many times.

I have a website here which discusses the issues and terminology surrounding religion and atheism. It's hopefully user friendly to all.
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