My life thus far, an introduction
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
01-04-2014, 09:10 PM
My life thus far, an introduction
Hello!
For those with a limited attention span I'll start off with who I am now and follow it with the meat of my deconversion. I am a transgender humanist skeptic and freethinker. I am mtf (male to female) and pre-everything, and due to the combination of transgender and atheist, I have no social life outside of work and immediate family, neither are very big and I have to hide I'm trans due to fear at work. It has taken a major toll on my life. In first grade my dad died, I've heard it was suicide due to bipolar disorder so I didn't have a father figure in my life. I don't know how to interact socially, don't know how I would ever ask to see a therapist due to the shame instilled in me about being mentally ill as I likely have bipolar or aspergers syndrome. It would be awesome to know some other transgender atheists or trans-friendly atheists. I am open to other transgender/trans-friendly people from other religions but I'm the only transgender atheist I know and it'd help a lot to know I'm not alone.

Here is my deconversion/finding myself story:
My very first concept of anything about gods was that it was something that girls believed in but not boys. My earliest memories are of trying to figure out what girls do and what boys do because I was told or figured out that I was a boy and I have to do boy things and I can't do girl things or I'd be made fun of. So from the get go I was an atheist on terrible reasons but reasons that helped me survive, although I didn't know what "atheist" was until Junior year of high school.
During my elementary school years I used to go to a daycare and I remember one day in particular where myself and another boy played with 2 dolls and were playing like girls would play house, feeding the dolls with bottles and putting them to nap while we went to recess. It was awesome.
During my middle school years I would go to what was called "back to school bash" which was a christian based thing where religious bands would come in and play. I remember one time in particular when they asked over the mic "everyone ask Jesus to come into your heart." I really asked and I really meant it but I can remember wondering why I wasn't hearing anything why I wasn't getting any kind of feeling beyond the emotional feeling the speaker was creating. I think the best way to describe it is that I felt ignored which wasn't that spectacular to me because I was used to feeling ignored by most people so I figured Jesus was just like most people and just ignored me too.
Fast forward to 9th grade, I started playing a game called runescape and played as a girl and chose a name with "Harpie Girl" in it because my friends knew I loved the harpy girl cards in the card game yugioh so it was easy to dismiss the question "why do you play as a girl" with "I just picked a random card from my deck and used that name." My favorite thing in the game was the cool outfits. Although, I think the best thing was I remember one player who I would talk to frequently and I told him I was a boy not a girl and he was fine but I still didn't know transgender existed, I only knew "tranny" was something I would get shunned for if I was one so I avoided the word completely.
During 10th grade I remember writing an English paper in which I said "I don't believe in god because if I did I would have to hate him for taking my dad away and I don't have that much hate to give." So for me, believing my dad no longer existed and that when we die we stop existing was more comforting than "he's up in heaven."
My 11th grade year was probably the closest I came to suicide until now when my depression is at it's peak. The main reason for this was reincarnation. I actually had dreams where I died and was reborn as a girl and it was wonderful, I never took any steps towards it and skepticism actually saved my life because every time I thought "If I died I could be reborn as I a girl" it would follow "but what if this life is all I get and I waste it when I kill myself?" Basically, when Jesus ignored me, skepticism saved me.
Fast forward to 2 years ago, my closest friends got me to go to church and for about 7 months I was a "christian" in the sense that I read the bible by listening to the preacher during sermons at a Baptist church. I remember one day when my friend went up to the alter to pray and be saved I had a "vision" that 3 entities were by my friend, 2 kneeled next to him and the third looking at me as if I was to be shown something. I asked my pastor about it and I remember watching him trying to explain it which he did with the "son, father, holy ghost" deal and then jumped into some pamphlet about jesus being a bridge to heaven which didn't follow from my vision. Today I chock it up to being a hallucination from trying to stay awake and being emotionally charged.
I stopped going to church because I had gotten a job on the weekends at Walmart so my friends at church decided to do bible readings during the week. Then one day my friend asked me to help out during a wednesday thing for kids and during that they had the children sing along to a song and say in a joyful manner something to the effect of "if you don't believe in jesus, you're going to burn in hell." I was disgusted by what I had just witnessed. So I decided to really read the bible and found all the horrible nonsense and attrocities and while I often miss the community, I have no plan to return to christianity.
Fast forward to about one year ago, while working at an auto shop the other guys all checked out this cute girl that walked in and one of them noticed that I didn't and he asked me if I was gay. I quickly answered "NO!" like I had hundreds of times before when people would ask, only this time it struck me that I responded to quickly that I didn't even think about the question. About 5 weeks later I thought I was gay. I came out to 2 friends at first, one is an atheist, the other is the christian that got me into the church. A week after telling them I started to notice I liked girls and guys equally and that I was actually jealous of girls and I began to consider the times where I wanted to be a girl or tried doing girl things and I told the same two friends again with a very interesting reaction. Turns out that my christian friend who is straight, was actually very curious about it entertained me with conversation, while my gay atheist friend freaked out and we've since lost contact. You want to talk about confusing, I figured my atheist friend would be safe and my christian friend the problem and it was completely the opposite which completely threw me for a loop.

I apologize for the choppiness of this, I guess today was a longer day than I previously thought. But I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless. Smile
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
02-04-2014, 04:53 AM
RE: My life thus far, an introduction
(01-04-2014 09:10 PM)Rinyotsu Wrote:  Hello!
For those with a limited attention span I'll start off with who I am now and follow it with the meat of my deconversion. I am a transgender humanist skeptic and freethinker. I am mtf (male to female) and pre-everything, and due to the combination of transgender and atheist, I have no social life outside of work and immediate family, neither are very big and I have to hide I'm trans due to fear at work. It has taken a major toll on my life. In first grade my dad died, I've heard it was suicide due to bipolar disorder so I didn't have a father figure in my life. I don't know how to interact socially, don't know how I would ever ask to see a therapist due to the shame instilled in me about being mentally ill as I likely have bipolar or aspergers syndrome. It would be awesome to know some other transgender atheists or trans-friendly atheists. I am open to other transgender/trans-friendly people from other religions but I'm the only transgender atheist I know and it'd help a lot to know I'm not alone.

Here is my deconversion/finding myself story:
My very first concept of anything about gods was that it was something that girls believed in but not boys. My earliest memories are of trying to figure out what girls do and what boys do because I was told or figured out that I was a boy and I have to do boy things and I can't do girl things or I'd be made fun of. So from the get go I was an atheist on terrible reasons but reasons that helped me survive, although I didn't know what "atheist" was until Junior year of high school.
During my elementary school years I used to go to a daycare and I remember one day in particular where myself and another boy played with 2 dolls and were playing like girls would play house, feeding the dolls with bottles and putting them to nap while we went to recess. It was awesome.
During my middle school years I would go to what was called "back to school bash" which was a christian based thing where religious bands would come in and play. I remember one time in particular when they asked over the mic "everyone ask Jesus to come into your heart." I really asked and I really meant it but I can remember wondering why I wasn't hearing anything why I wasn't getting any kind of feeling beyond the emotional feeling the speaker was creating. I think the best way to describe it is that I felt ignored which wasn't that spectacular to me because I was used to feeling ignored by most people so I figured Jesus was just like most people and just ignored me too.
Fast forward to 9th grade, I started playing a game called runescape and played as a girl and chose a name with "Harpie Girl" in it because my friends knew I loved the harpy girl cards in the card game yugioh so it was easy to dismiss the question "why do you play as a girl" with "I just picked a random card from my deck and used that name." My favorite thing in the game was the cool outfits. Although, I think the best thing was I remember one player who I would talk to frequently and I told him I was a boy not a girl and he was fine but I still didn't know transgender existed, I only knew "tranny" was something I would get shunned for if I was one so I avoided the word completely.
During 10th grade I remember writing an English paper in which I said "I don't believe in god because if I did I would have to hate him for taking my dad away and I don't have that much hate to give." So for me, believing my dad no longer existed and that when we die we stop existing was more comforting than "he's up in heaven."
My 11th grade year was probably the closest I came to suicide until now when my depression is at it's peak. The main reason for this was reincarnation. I actually had dreams where I died and was reborn as a girl and it was wonderful, I never took any steps towards it and skepticism actually saved my life because every time I thought "If I died I could be reborn as I a girl" it would follow "but what if this life is all I get and I waste it when I kill myself?" Basically, when Jesus ignored me, skepticism saved me.
Fast forward to 2 years ago, my closest friends got me to go to church and for about 7 months I was a "christian" in the sense that I read the bible by listening to the preacher during sermons at a Baptist church. I remember one day when my friend went up to the alter to pray and be saved I had a "vision" that 3 entities were by my friend, 2 kneeled next to him and the third looking at me as if I was to be shown something. I asked my pastor about it and I remember watching him trying to explain it which he did with the "son, father, holy ghost" deal and then jumped into some pamphlet about jesus being a bridge to heaven which didn't follow from my vision. Today I chock it up to being a hallucination from trying to stay awake and being emotionally charged.
I stopped going to church because I had gotten a job on the weekends at Walmart so my friends at church decided to do bible readings during the week. Then one day my friend asked me to help out during a wednesday thing for kids and during that they had the children sing along to a song and say in a joyful manner something to the effect of "if you don't believe in jesus, you're going to burn in hell." I was disgusted by what I had just witnessed. So I decided to really read the bible and found all the horrible nonsense and attrocities and while I often miss the community, I have no plan to return to christianity.
Fast forward to about one year ago, while working at an auto shop the other guys all checked out this cute girl that walked in and one of them noticed that I didn't and he asked me if I was gay. I quickly answered "NO!" like I had hundreds of times before when people would ask, only this time it struck me that I responded to quickly that I didn't even think about the question. About 5 weeks later I thought I was gay. I came out to 2 friends at first, one is an atheist, the other is the christian that got me into the church. A week after telling them I started to notice I liked girls and guys equally and that I was actually jealous of girls and I began to consider the times where I wanted to be a girl or tried doing girl things and I told the same two friends again with a very interesting reaction. Turns out that my christian friend who is straight, was actually very curious about it entertained me with conversation, while my gay atheist friend freaked out and we've since lost contact. You want to talk about confusing, I figured my atheist friend would be safe and my christian friend the problem and it was completely the opposite which completely threw me for a loop.

I apologize for the choppiness of this, I guess today was a longer day than I previously thought. But I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless. Smile

Don't worry sista I don't have a social life either. There are many important people in this thread(im not one of them) and you should meet them. We also have a sexy banter thread, you should go there. And in light we also have a pony thread. So I hope you enjoy hanging out with us infidels Thumbsup (ps read the whole thing)

[Image: Guilmon-41189.gif] https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCOW_Ioi2wtuPa88FvBmnBgQ my youtube
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Metazoa Zeke's post
02-04-2014, 05:28 AM
RE: My life thus far, an introduction
I'm gonna call you Rin, for short.

Hi Rin!
I have no problem with transgender, gender gender or gay or straight up or down, whatever. None of it matters to me and I have had all kinds of people as friends and colleagues. (I'm in entertainment)

You seem to be out of sorts and I even read suicide. Don't commit suicide. Waste of time and effort. Better to live through a trial and later look back on it. Plus you seem interesting, and interesting people are valuable. We need them to break up the monotony of all the clones trying to fit in.

I am new here and can say the community seems nice. I've posted often for a newbie and nobody got pissed at me. So that can't be bad. And I only worked 3 hours today and have been staying home so as to save money.

By the way, thanks forum community. I appreciate it.

So again, nice to meet you. Smile

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
02-04-2014, 06:37 AM
RE: My life thus far, an introduction
Welcome aboard Rinyotsu, be yourself in here, its cool with us. Thumbsup

If bullshit were music some people would be a brass band.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
02-04-2014, 06:56 AM
RE: My life thus far, an introduction
Hello Rinyotsu, and welcome, I'm sure you'll find a home here. There's usually a bunch of people around whatever time of day or night no matter what time zone you're in so make this your social life, many of us do. Thumbsup

"The person who is certain, and who claims divine warrant for his certainty, belongs now to the infancy of our species." - Christopher Hitchens

"Remember kids, if you don't sin, then Jesus died for nothing. Have a great day!" - Ricky Gervais
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
02-04-2014, 07:05 AM
RE: My life thus far, an introduction
Welcome, Rinyotsu. I am sorry that you have had a troubled life, but you are clearly an intelligent and caring person.

There is a Personal Issues and Support forum here that you might find helpful.

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
[Image: flagstiny%206.gif]
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
02-04-2014, 07:25 PM
RE: My life thus far, an introduction
ThePaleolithicFreethinker, I'll make sure to check them out, kinda curious what the pony thread is lol. Thank you Smile

Banjo, nice to meet you too. I'm good with Rin and it's wonderful that you're an ally Smile
I'd be lying if I said I didn't have ideation sometimes but being a transgender atheist working with testosterone pumped jerks at work, at least one of which I think is a homophobe by the way he speaks. I have long hair some I'm often referred to by one of the main guys as a girl. Unfortunately living this double life is taking it's toll and coupled with the nonexistent social life and lack of any LGBT community that actually knows what the “T” stands for is just icing on the cake of loneliness. I was a part of one at my local college but got frustrated with it when pretty much every time we did an activity they would bring up sex and honestly sex is among the most boring subject you can bring up with me.
Anyway, don't worry, the whole reason I'm hear is to find the community I'm lacking Smile

Chas, the worst part is I often feel guilty because as much as I've lost in the last year, I know a few other transgender people who have it far worse. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, the only way I've made it is because I've hidden but I can't do that much longer. I'll definitely make a trip to that thread.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply
Forum Jump: