My lungs will kill me
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13-06-2018, 02:32 PM
My lungs will kill me
Fair warning, talk of death and illness. If you are in a bad place mentally, maybe skip this.

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I am on sick leave from work this week because of my lungs (it's always my lungs)
One day, when I die, it will be my lungs that give up, that will be how I die. Most likely unless something else happens of course. But objectively speaking, my lungs are ruined.

Once or twice a year I get a serious lung infection that almost kills me, so it is really just a matter of time, when it actually does.

Anyway, today I woke up around 12 noon and my lungs were hurting so bad, and I was too weak to properly cough it all up, that I was pretty convinced that today I am dieing.
Well as you can figure, I am not dead.
I have been pumping myself full of medicine.
I am taking an antibiotic, a medicine to help with releasing the mucus from my lungs so I can cough it up (cant get that in Ireland, so a friend brought it back on her last trip to Germany), medicinal tea for the bronchs and airways, fennel honey. In addition, whenever it gets worse, I boil water and put a bowl of hot water next to me as the fumes make the breathing easier. I am taking my steroid inhaler twice a day and my normal asthma inhaler 3 times a day.

Yet I have come to accept, one day nothing will bounce me back. When that day comes, nobody will give a shit. I have friends, very good friends actually. But I never tell people, even my good friends, when I am this miserable. (well i supposed one of them will read it here now). I don't want to burden anybody with my health and I don't want to sound whiny.
That my lungs are so badly is partially my own fault so I feel like I have no right to complain or cling on to life or whatever. I am not suicidal anymore though, I want to live.
Anyway, I realized today, when the day comes and I die, nobody will know, nobody will notice until the smell of my rotting body annoys the neighbours. Kinda sad outlook, but what can I do. I don't have close bonds with a lot of people, and the few people I am actually really close with are kinda out of reach.

Well anyway, today I survived again. I took all my meds, I put work in order so things are ok while I am not working, etc. I feel bad for letting down my team. Although nobody seems to be taking it badly or whatever. Maybe because I rarely ever stay home. I always go to work, even when I am miserable, simply because I like this workplace, the people there, etc. It comforts me, I like going there. Maybe this is why everybody from work tells me it's fine, they are taking care of my stuff etc. I trust them 100% too just as they trust me.

I am going on a tangent I notice but I literally have nobody to talk to. I have 3 best friends.
Friend one is already sleeping and I don't want to wake him up.
Friend two is busy and I don't want to distract him
Friend three is probably still asleep (time zones) as I haven't heard from him yet.

I am chatting with an old friend who is currently in the hospital for her mental issues. I am supporting her as she is having a rough time today especially. But every once in a while, my lungs flare up again and remind me mockingly that my days are counted, that I should have thought about this before, etc.

Well here is the story of my lungs.
I have always had a pretty bad immune system. My first job, and the profession I learned, is in childcare. So I caught literally every bug that a kid would bring. At some point I caught a bronchitis. I carried that bronchitis around for overall 3 months at which point it went away but I have asthma since that time.
When I was suicidal and planning to die (different story though) I also started smoking heavily. It went up to 20ish cigarettes per day. Sometimes even more.
I smoked this much until at some point it clicked in my head and my lungs had been screaming at me, and I almost died from the smoking as I could not breathe anymore. I have never touched a cigarette since.
But I have had the pleasure of numerous strong lung infections. The first time I presented at my GP with one of these lung infections, the doctor became pale after checking me out. He wanted to send me to the hospital but I got him to put me on a regime of so much meds that my breakfast essentially consisted of a banana and 20 pills (yes I counted). I have been on steroids for my lungs multiple times, at this point i have a steroid inhaler to keep them going.
So how long can I keep that up before my lungs give up? They will never go back to normal, the damage is done.

So yea... here I am rambling about my lungs.
Honestly, I am not afraid to die. I am actually very much at peace with the idea. But if I can help it, I would rather stay alive for a few more years and see where live gets me? Stuff is just starting to get exciting, I got shit to live for, goals and all...

I guess I shall shut up...

Captain Underpants
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13-06-2018, 03:16 PM
RE: My lungs will kill me
How old are you? You're pretty young, aren't you?

Are you allergic to stuff? I have allergy induced asthma which is probably nothing like you have but since I've been doing allergy shots I haven't had to use my asthma medication. I also use a air purifier right next to my bed so it takes the dust and crap out of the air.

What medications are you taking right now?

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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13-06-2018, 03:29 PM
RE: My lungs will kill me
Hugs to you.
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13-06-2018, 03:31 PM
RE: My lungs will kill me
"Don't give up until the dirt starts hittin' the coffin lid."
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13-06-2018, 03:36 PM
RE: My lungs will kill me
(13-06-2018 03:16 PM)dancefortwo Wrote:  How old are you? You're pretty young, aren't you?

Are you allergic to stuff? I have allergy induced asthma which is probably nothing like you have but since I've been doing allergy shots I haven't had to use my asthma medication. I also use a air purifier right next to my bed so it takes the dust and crap out of the air.

What medications are you taking right now?
I am 34, might be young for some, might be old for others.

I am allergic to feathers and penicillin but have not been in contact with either of those.
Medications for the lungs right now:
Antibiocs for the infection itself
ACC akut (Acetylcystein) to help me cough it all up
Fennel honey and medicinal tea to further help me cough it all up
Other medications:
Eltroxin for my thyroids
Sertralin for the OCD, Anxiety, Depression
Vitamin supplements as I am dieting and wanna make sure I get the vitamins I need
Iron supplements for the iron deficiency anemia

Also after talking to my mum, she told me to have some friends to check on me. So I have a few friends now who know I am sick and who will check in on me. In case I do not reply to their check ins, two of them live in my house so I unlocked my door so they can come and check on me in person.
This is mostly because I don't know if I will pass out at some point. If I do pass out, it will be for lack of oxygen, so I will need to be in the hospital. So this way I know that somebody can be with me quick enough.

Captain Underpants
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13-06-2018, 03:41 PM
RE: My lungs will kill me
Do you have an asthma inhaler?

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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13-06-2018, 03:50 PM
RE: My lungs will kill me
I take Montelukast for my asthma but it's nothing like what you have. I have a friend who lives on a farm and has horrible asthma and has had it all her life. Sometimes she gets in such a state that she has to go to the emergency room because she just can't breath.

Maybe you need to go to the emergency room. Do you have a way of getting to a medical prfessional quickly? You sound like you're very sick.

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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13-06-2018, 04:10 PM
RE: My lungs will kill me
I have two inhalers. One I have to take always (steroids) and one for acute attacks.
The steroid one, I am supposed to take once a day 2 puffs.
The normal one just when needed.
When I am sick like this I have to use the normal one 3 times a day 2 puffs.
And because it is so bad this time, I am using the steroid inhaler twice a day 2 puffs.

Captain Underpants
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13-06-2018, 04:25 PM
RE: My lungs will kill me
Ok. Well, try to not panic. That's easier said than done, I know. This sounds silly but if you put on some soothing music it might help. The more agitated you are the more inflamed you'll become and the more restricted your breathing is. Worth a try. I'll be checking in on you in a few minutes.

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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13-06-2018, 04:38 PM
RE: My lungs will kill me
I am not panicking Smile But you are right about panicking and how it makes the asthma worse.
I am just very sick right now and in a lot of pain. I hope in a few days it will be better.
Until then, I will rely on the meds and my friends checking in on me.
I'll go to bed now as my head is killing me and hope I'll see another day Smile
Thanks for being there, dancefortwo.

Captain Underpants
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