My mother died
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23-01-2017, 11:15 AM
My mother died
Yes, in the mailbox was a letter from an official "carer" about her affairs.

Why did i get notice of my mothers death via a letter you may ask? Its because i didnt talk to her for 25 years. We didnt have a good relationship. I was problematic as a child, and i am not sure about the background. I never dared to ask my parents directly and they never bothered to tell me, but maybe i was kind of abused or something like that. Some problems possibly lead back to such an event(s), who knows, i probably never will.

My parents´ marriage always was running on the edge. My dad is/was a heavy drinker. I think the correct term for our family was "dysfunctional".
My relationship to her really turned to the worse when my parents got divorced (while i was in the army) after 24 years. I decided to stay with my dad and keep my friends and everthing. I clearly told them both that this wasnt a decision based on preference but on my own needs. She always hated her mother in law, and always talked about her (my grandma) trying to "steal" me from her. This is probably a well known motive, but in my case there is absolutely nothing true to this.
Things really went down the drain when her dad (my grandpa) died, her mother passed away in 1980 already. At that point she completely went out of control. She discovered that my grandparents stated in their last will, that their house will go to ......me, and mom (their daughter) is "only" the steward unil she passes away. While i found this a real pratical way do deal with things from my grandparents side, mom went batshit crazy. What i am telling now is what i think happened: Her parents didnt tell her about his, so she was taken completely by surprise. She also took this as a lack of trust, otherwise they could have given her the house to give it to me (mom and me are both single kids). I guess her mind couldnt process this information. Additional to that (and that may be the reason for my grandparents decision) my mother was an epileptic in her youth. When she reached her climacteric, she started to suffer from this again. I witnessed her waking up in the middle of the night, sitting down in the kitchen talking to me, and the next morning she doesnt remember anything. Stuff like this.
It went so bad, that she accused me of forging my grandparents´ last will, breaking into her house, stealing silver spoons (and replacing them with nails), and finally of having shot at her. But, i am her son and she loves me!!!
I guess you know that scheme "You are terrible, you are worthless (without me). Look at what you make me do". The typical abusive spouse behaviour. Yet in her case i think it was not deliberate but caused by some unknown psycholigical or even physilogical problem with her mind/brain. To me it was the most horrible torture, and i think many of you who were fundamentalists can relate to this somehow (however your abusive parent was rather imaginary).
I still have tapes from my answering machine from the 90s, full with insults of her towards me, just to have proof in case some (legal) shit comes my way.
She used to call me up to 30 (THIRTY) times a day to dish out insults and end with "but i love you", until i couldnt take it anymore (i was already at university, which required ALL my attention). I finally got me a new phone number, moved away, and told dad never to tell her anything about me but that i am doing fine. I.just.couldnt.take.it.anymore.

And yet i am sitting here in tears, partially because i am relieved, and partially because i still loved her. One of the last things i told her was that as far as i am concerned, she can live forever and be in that damn house. The last thing i ever said was that she can call me anytime she is well and cured again, otherwise we will see each other next time at her funeral. Looks one of the two propositions has become true.

Just had to get this off my chest. I am crying, although i havent seen her for so long, but i am not made of wood.

P.S.: The fact that my dad doesnt answer the phone today (as he usually does) doesnt make me feel better. Pictures of him rotting in his living room while the TV is running are in my head now. Fucking crazy.

Ceterum censeo, religionem delendam esse
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23-01-2017, 11:17 AM
RE: My mother died
Hug
I am so sorry Deesse.
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23-01-2017, 11:18 AM
RE: My mother died
Hug Heart
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23-01-2017, 11:20 AM
RE: My mother died
I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Hug


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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23-01-2017, 11:20 AM
RE: My mother died
Really sorry for your loss and the tough time you are faced with Sad

"If you keep trying to better yourself that's enough for me. We don't decide which hand we are dealt in life, but we make the decision to play it or fold it" - Nishi Karano Kaze
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23-01-2017, 11:21 AM
RE: My mother died
Words will not dispel grief or made conflicting emotions go away but nonetheless I offer condolences.

The first revolt is against the supreme tyranny of theology, of the phantom of God. As long as we have a master in heaven, we will be slaves on earth.

Mikhail Bakunin.
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23-01-2017, 11:24 AM
RE: My mother died
When my father died in 1989, it was after years of little or no contact. When I wept at his funeral, it wasn't for missing him, but for the years we never had and could never make up for any more.

I'm sorry for your loss, bud.
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23-01-2017, 11:24 AM
RE: My mother died
I'm very sorry to hear of your loss.
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23-01-2017, 11:31 AM
RE: My mother died
I'm sorry for your sadness and loss. It sounds like you have had difficult times. Sadcryface

Heart

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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23-01-2017, 11:31 AM
RE: My mother died
I am so sorry for your loss Sad

"If you don't have a seat at the table, you're probably on the menu."

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