My mother died
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23-01-2017, 11:33 AM
RE: My mother died
(23-01-2017 11:15 AM)Deesse23 Wrote:  Yes, in the mailbox was a letter from an official "carer" about her affairs.

Why did i get notice of my mothers death via a letter you may ask? Its because i didnt talk to her for 25 years. We didnt have a good relationship. I was problematic as a child, and i am not sure about the background. I never dared to ask my parents directly and they never bothered to tell me, but maybe i was kind of abused or something like that. Some problems possibly lead back to such an event(s), who knows, i probably never will.

My parents´ marriage always was running on the edge. My dad is/was a heavy drinker. I think the correct term for our family was "dysfunctional".
My relationship to her really turned to the worse when my parents got divorced (while i was in the army) after 24 years. I decided to stay with my dad and keep my friends and everthing. I clearly told them both that this wasnt a decision based on preference but on my own needs. She always hated her mother in law, and always talked about her (my grandma) trying to "steal" me from her. This is probably a well known motive, but in my case there is absolutely nothing true to this.
Things really went down the drain when her dad (my grandpa) died, her mother passed away in 1980 already. At that point she completely went out of control. She discovered that my grandparents stated in their last will, that their house will go to ......me, and mom (their daughter) is "only" the steward unil she passes away. While i found this a real pratical way do deal with things from my grandparents side, mom went batshit crazy. What i am telling now is what i think happened: Her parents didnt tell her about his, so she was taken completely by surprise. She also took this as a lack of trust, otherwise they could have given her the house to give it to me (mom and me are both single kids). I guess her mind couldnt process this information. Additional to that (and that may be the reason for my grandparents decision) my mother was an epileptic in her youth. When she reached her climacteric, she started to suffer from this again. I witnessed her waking up in the middle of the night, sitting down in the kitchen talking to me, and the next morning she doesnt remember anything. Stuff like this.
It went so bad, that she accused me of forging my grandparents´ last will, breaking into her house, stealing silver spoons (and replacing them with nails), and finally of having shot at her. But, i am her son and she loves me!!!
I guess you know that scheme "You are terrible, you are worthless (without me). Look at what you make me do". The typical abusive spouse behaviour. Yet in her case i think it was not deliberate but caused by some unknown psycholigical or even physilogical problem with her mind/brain. To me it was the most horrible torture, and i think many of you who were fundamentalists can relate to this somehow (however your abusive parent was rather imaginary).
I still have tapes from my answering machine from the 90s, full with insults of her towards me, just to have proof in case some (legal) shit comes my way.
She used to call me up to 30 (THIRTY) times a day to dish out insults and end with "but i love you", until i couldnt take it anymore (i was already at university, which required ALL my attention). I finally got me a new phone number, moved away, and told dad never to tell her anything about me but that i am doing fine. I.just.couldnt.take.it.anymore.

And yet i am sitting here in tears, partially because i am relieved, and partially because i still loved her. One of the last things i told her was that as far as i am concerned, she can live forever and be in that damn house. The last thing i ever said was that she can call me anytime she is well and cured again, otherwise we will see each other next time at her funeral. Looks one of the two propositions has become true.

Just had to get this off my chest. I am crying, although i havent seen her for so long, but i am not made of wood.

P.S.: The fact that my dad doesnt answer the phone today (as he usually does) doesnt make me feel better. Pictures of him rotting in his living room while the TV is running are in my head now. Fucking crazy.

Grieving is a physical response - your brain has realized that one of it's larger files has fundamentally changed. It's going through the file, you remember times and feelings .... and it will continue to do so until it's sorted.

Time to close the chapter, but first you'll be going through the files, sorting them all from pending to finished.

Depending on emotional investment and day to day involvement, this can be very quick (many people feel guilty because they are not grieving) or it can take years (like a spouse of many decades).

Just flow with it. Hopefully soon you will have made peace with it all. Even if you think you are nuts sometimes because you are acting out of character - it's all normal and necessary.

Lots of hugs, Hug Heart

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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23-01-2017, 11:43 AM
RE: My mother died
That sucks. So sorry.

Check out my now-defunct atheism blog. It's just a blog, no ads, no revenue, no gods.
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Atheism promotes critical thinking; theism promotes hypocritical thinking. -- Me
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23-01-2017, 11:49 AM
RE: My mother died
Yes i feel somewhat guilty because i am not entirely breaking down, but i guess thats how it is when you had a dysfunctional relationship with someone and feel a kind of relief too. But i still feel grief for her. I never wanted something bad for her, i just wanted to protect myself (and her, since she obviously did get enraged too when we met) and didnt see any way to deal with her. I still think there was no other way, and i still (remembering, thinking back) stand by my decision. I would have broken down if i had stayed in contact. It was just to toxic.

Ceterum censeo, religionem delendam esse
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23-01-2017, 11:57 AM
RE: My mother died
Wow, Deesse, that's intense! Blink 30 times a day! Holy $%@£!

That you've come through that to be the man you are ... hats off to you.

Bravo.

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23-01-2017, 12:00 PM
RE: My mother died
I am so sorry for your loss. Sad Even if things were "dysfunctional" it still is a shock to the system, and we all grieve in our different ways. You did what had to be done to protect yourself, and whether she realized it or not, probably her as well, by not allowing that further toxicity to be engaged in.

Need to think of a witty signature.
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23-01-2017, 12:09 PM
RE: My mother died
(23-01-2017 11:49 AM)Deesse23 Wrote:  Yes i feel somewhat guilty because i am not entirely breaking down, but i guess thats how it is when you had a dysfunctional relationship with someone and feel a kind of relief too. But i still feel grief for her. I never wanted something bad for her, i just wanted to protect myself (and her, since she obviously did get enraged too when we met) and didnt see any way to deal with her. I still think there was no other way, and i still (remembering, thinking back) stand by my decision. I would have broken down if i had stayed in contact. It was just to toxic.

There can be a time delay, too. But, she was not involved in your daily life for a very long time, and that will make grief a bit spotty. Daily activities won't trigger many memories.

Don't be surprised if you still run into some long suppressed anger and such. It's all part of closing the chapter.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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23-01-2017, 12:37 PM
RE: My mother died
Sorry to see this. Hug
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23-01-2017, 12:39 PM
RE: My mother died
I'm sorry for your loss. Even with limited contact you still have many years of memories, so the impact is still a heavy one.
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23-01-2017, 12:42 PM
RE: My mother died
Empathy for your pain and condolences for your loss.

Help for the living. Hope for the dead. ~ R.G. Ingersoll

Freedom offers opportunity. Opportunity confers responsibility. Responsibility to use the freedom we enjoy wisely, honestly and humanely. ~ Noam Chomsky
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23-01-2017, 01:26 PM
RE: My mother died
Hug

Heart
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