My mother died
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24-01-2017, 01:51 PM
RE: My mother died
Ooh ... funeral pyre ... I'm thinking I'd need ... marshmallows. Shy

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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25-01-2017, 05:58 AM
RE: My mother died
Rlieved, sad and pissed.

Relief:
I ordered cremation and no big ceremony. Urn will be placed while i am there. Just mom, dad and me, noone elses business. Authorities etc. are cooperative and non-judgemental (no "what, you havent had any contact to you rmother?"). Pretty much professional

Sad:
She was in a (protestant) nursing home since September. Dont know yet how she was doing there. Hope she didnt feel too abandoned (yet, she had probably more care and companionship than just sitting home alone).

Pissed:
Obviously authorities were able to track me down within a few days when they had to (she died), but when she was sent to nursing home, noone bothered to double check and accepted "no living relatives". Didnt she tell them she had a son, whom they just have to track down? Why didnt she call my dad this time and gave him this, easy to verify, information? I would have acted! Did the official carer and authorites not care to look for me as long as there was enough money to pay off the cost for nursing? Why didn tthis carer try to contact my dad since September? With this confirmed information i would have done everything possible to support her.
Is that the reason why they had her house officially estitmated its worth? Looks like they didnt know that they couldnt pay off these nursing cost (in the future), because my grandparents inherited it to me and not to my mom?
This leaves a kind of bad taste for me at the moment, since i really expected to be tracked down. Iam trying not to feel guilty for not actively looking for info. But how should i? Ask every now and then? Whom? Maybe i will get more info soon what happened and why.

Ceterum censeo, religionem delendam esse
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25-01-2017, 06:02 AM
RE: My mother died
(24-01-2017 01:21 PM)Full Circle Wrote:  Just to liven things up a bit Deesse I suggest

[Image: viking-night-funeral-pyre-long-boat.jpg]

[Image: foticon-simon-germanen-385-029.jpg]

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25-01-2017, 06:04 AM
RE: My mother died
(25-01-2017 05:58 AM)Deesse23 Wrote:  Rlieved, sad and pissed.

All perfectly natural and normal reactions, especially given the nature of your relationship.

You will get through this.
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29-01-2017, 01:17 PM
RE: My mother died
(25-01-2017 05:58 AM)Deesse23 Wrote:  Rlieved, sad and pissed.

Relief:
I ordered cremation and no big ceremony. Urn will be placed while i am there. Just mom, dad and me, noone elses business. Authorities etc. are cooperative and non-judgemental (no "what, you havent had any contact to you rmother?"). Pretty much professional

Sad:
She was in a (protestant) nursing home since September. Dont know yet how she was doing there. Hope she didnt feel too abandoned (yet, she had probably more care and companionship than just sitting home alone).

Pissed:
Obviously authorities were able to track me down within a few days when they had to (she died), but when she was sent to nursing home, noone bothered to double check and accepted "no living relatives". Didnt she tell them she had a son, whom they just have to track down? Why didnt she call my dad this time and gave him this, easy to verify, information? I would have acted! Did the official carer and authorites not care to look for me as long as there was enough money to pay off the cost for nursing? Why didn this carer try to contact my dad since September? With this confirmed information i would have done everything possible to support her.
Is that the reason why they had her house officially estitmated its worth? Looks like they didnt know that they couldnt pay off these nursing cost (in the future), because my grandparents inherited it to me and not to my mom?
This leaves a kind of bad taste for me at the moment, since i really expected to be tracked down. Iam trying not to feel guilty for not actively looking for info. But how should i? Ask every now and then? Whom? Maybe i will get more info soon what happened and why.
For what it's worth, Deese, this is helping me anticipate what my wife will go through when she eventually gets word of her father's death. It hasn't been 100% no contact for as long as you mentioned, but most of what contact there was, was very dysfunctional and toxic. Admirably she has threaded the needle quite well, and has had a half-assed kind of letting go and closure with him, on the very limited basis he's capable of. Still, she has no desire to go to the funeral when it comes or anything like that. Still, she will have conflicting emotions and because she's the eldest child she may end up involved anyway, particularly if his current wife / my wife's monster-in-law precedes or accompanies her father in death. I am sure she will have many of the same conflicted emotions and will be "surprised by grief" as they say.

My condolences on your loss. You seem to be navigating / handling it well. Hang in there. You don't get to pick your family, and it can be a bitch sometimes ...
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04-02-2017, 08:31 AM
RE: My mother died
Went to the house with my dad, to investigate (he is a former construction worker), look for stuff he wants back after the divorce or anything that may be handy to him.

The house is a total mess, its hard to find anything, but in the living room i noticed asmall box/casket, made of wood, carved with rather average craftsmanship.

Although i remembered it i didnt pay attention to it. Suddenly my dad opened it up, and found a note which he handed me. It was written by my mothers hand, and while reading i felt a cold shiver running down my spine. I felt like she is speaking from her grave (although the funeral is next week). It read (paraphrasing):

Dear *my name*,
you may want to keep this box in rememberance of me, or even your granddad. This box was carved by him during his time as an american (?) PoW. Engraved you will see four names of the PoW camps he was at.
Your mother

I read the names, and one of them was BUCHENWALD. Buchenwald was in the russian zone, and my guess is he was handed over to the Russians by the Americans. Afaik he told me he was a french PoW (my grandparents lived in the french zone) originally, possibly he didnt want to talk about his time in a russian PoW camp.

Why did the americans (probably) hand him over to the russians? He was in the Waffen SS. He told me so, i saw the tatoo on his arm, so there is that. But he also told me he was in Norway until 1944, and witnessed the sinking of "Bl├╝cher" in Oslofjord in 1940. It makes even more sense looking at his year of birth: 1907. By 1940 he was already 33 years old and probably sent (and kept there) to a more *easy* location in scandinavia. Guess thats as much as i can find out about my family. No albums with pics found or anything else.

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04-02-2017, 09:40 AM
RE: My mother died
Hug

Heart
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04-02-2017, 09:57 AM (This post was last modified: 04-02-2017 04:05 PM by kim.)
RE: My mother died
That is an incredible find! You might want to take more time to sift through things - she may have stuffed photos & other papers into books here and there - it is a common thing.

It is good to know your mum had her lucid moments, however scattered her thoughts may have been. Isn't it ironic that we often become closer to loved ones, only after they are no longer able to drive us away? Shy

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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04-02-2017, 09:58 AM
RE: My mother died
Sending you some more hugs.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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04-02-2017, 10:44 AM
RE: My mother died
(04-02-2017 09:57 AM)kim Wrote:  That is an incredible find! You might want to take more time to sift through things - she may have stuffed photos & other papers into books here and there - it is a common thing.

Good idea, i didnt think of that actually! Thumbsup

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