My mother died
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18-02-2017, 03:15 PM
RE: My mother died
Update:
Funeral is over, no incidents. Didnt take my dad with me. After the funeral (two neighbours attended), one neighbour told me that my aunt 2nd grade is still alive just a few hundred meters away. Went there and met her with her brother (my uncle 2nd grade). It was a warm welcome, and i stayed over 2hrs and talked a lot (always liked those people and they always liked me it seems). By and large i got a lot of information that confirmed that my mother was indeed a very *complex* person, hard to deal with, not everyones flavour so to speak.

I tasked a friend and lawyer (tall and blonde.....and 4 kids Tongue ) who happens to live in the next village with cleaning the house up. She gave a lot of furniture and laundry to needy people she knows (she is also active in social activities, helping the poor. Think one day she will get a fucking nobel prise for this, deservedly so).

She also happens to know a muslim family with 4 kids who happends to be unable to find a house. Its a pretty rural area, lots of not-so-friendly-towards-strangers-particularly-to-foreigners people living there. Looks like we are going to have a deal, and i will be even able to support some people who suffer from discrimination.

One problem remains. The carer of my mom holds her papers hostage. Wants to force me (and my lawyer) to sign off in a hurry (while or before handing them over), which is usually a sign that he has something to hide. I suspect he wanted to profit from my mom and her house, since at the time they thought she had no remaining relatives.

I am sure you guys are just as *shocked* as i am that he seems to be an active member of the presbyterian church. Christian morality, and taking money from the mentally unfit or trying to rip off people grieving who are over the loss of a family member. Who would have thought! Rolleyes

Problem:
I am starting to have problems sleeping. No surprise i guess. When it gets dark, the lights go off and the TV is off....silence is creeping up on me...guess i just have to somehow deal with this for now.

Ceterum censeo, religionem delendam esse
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18-02-2017, 04:04 PM
RE: My mother died
Sheesh - the money grab - how well I recall a similar situation when my aunt died. Tell your lawyer to go hard. Greed is utterly offensive. Dodgy

***
Your health is what you need to keep an eye on. The stress of grief can effect sleep patterns. Make no mistake - grief is a huge stress on the body. People often become susceptible to colds and even become "clumsy" or uncoordinated surrounding events such as deaths and divorces - mostly due to stress. This isn't a time to do without sleep - you need it to keep healthy.

Get some camomile tea and have a relaxing cup before bed. If you are in the US, there's Sleepy Time tea at most grocery stores. That stuff will knock you out pretty quickly. If you have problems finding camomile, find a hippy to follow around. Before you know it, you'll find yourself in some cool herb shop and you'll be well taken care of. Shy

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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11-04-2017, 09:42 AM
RE: My mother died
(almost) final update. Im getting settled now, getting all the paperwork done too.

Last thing to do is to sign the contract with the buyers of my house (feels so weird to say *my*, anyway...). Someting very interesting seems to unavel, paticularly interesting to atheists.

My lawyer-friend is not only representing me, but is also in clase contact with the supposed buyers, so she has insight to what happens as they try to prepare to sign the contract and get the loan from the bank.

The buyers are a couple of practicing muslims (the wife is wearing a Hijab i have been told, havent seen her yet, and judging from the name of oriental heritage, the name is Al Hussein), both born in the 70s, and they have four kids.
As it turned out, the husband wants to be the sole signatory to the contract, and thus the sole owner of the house! My friend (a woman!) told his wife then, in a meeting, that this is rather uncommon, and would put her ad a somewhat disadvantage if they decide at some time to get divorced, and that she has rights being a woman/wife in Germany. Because, although she can claim half the property after divorce, she has to actively push it. The husband can even throw her out of the house, because he is the owner until it is sold and the money split amongs them. My friend explained a few other things and it turned out that the wife seemingly didnt know at all about her rights in Germany as a woman/wife. Looks like her husband did not only try to be incontrol of everything in their marriage, but he seems to have *not bothered* to tell her what her rights actually are.

Next week will be the meeting for signing the contract, and there will very probably be some kind of drama on their side as to who exactly is going to sign. Not that this has to bother me form a business perspective as long as i get the suitcase with with the €. Cool

If everything turns out *bad* i wont sell a house at all, be responsible for a divorce and probably a deconvesion. Laugh out load
I would be concerned about the kids actually, and i have other people interested in the house. Still it bugs me, how this husband seems to treat his wife and mother of his four kids. Angry Censored

@admins/mods: Since this isnt about me and my personal issues, i would like to open this topic to the (less restricted) speech rules of the rest of the forum.

Ceterum censeo, religionem delendam esse
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11-04-2017, 09:56 AM
RE: My mother died
(11-04-2017 09:42 AM)Deesse23 Wrote:  @admins/mods: Since this isnt about me and my personal issues, i would like to open this topic to the (less restricted) speech rules of the rest of the forum.

Then you have to post it out there. Give it a thread.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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11-04-2017, 10:02 AM
RE: My mother died
(11-04-2017 09:42 AM)Deesse23 Wrote:  ...
admins/mods: Since this isnt about me and my personal issues, i would like to open this topic to the (less restricted) speech rules of the rest of the forum.

I hear you.

I'll leave it here rather than split or move the thread though.


On the tangential topic, given what I know about most people and not just those of an Islamic persuasion, I'd be surprised if even the husband is aware of the laws/rights.

It matters not whether Germany is their native or adoptive country.

If everyone knew their rights / the law, we wouldn't need lawyers.

Undecided

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11-04-2017, 10:11 AM
RE: My mother died
too late Blush

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11-04-2017, 12:27 PM
RE: My mother died
(23-01-2017 11:15 AM)Deesse23 Wrote:  Yes, in the mailbox was a letter from an official "carer" about her affairs.

Why did i get notice of my mothers death via a letter you may ask? Its because i didnt talk to her for 25 years. We didnt have a good relationship. I was problematic as a child, and i am not sure about the background. I never dared to ask my parents directly and they never bothered to tell me, but maybe i was kind of abused or something like that. Some problems possibly lead back to such an event(s), who knows, i probably never will.

My parents´ marriage always was running on the edge. My dad is/was a heavy drinker. I think the correct term for our family was "dysfunctional".
My relationship to her really turned to the worse when my parents got divorced (while i was in the army) after 24 years. I decided to stay with my dad and keep my friends and everthing. I clearly told them both that this wasnt a decision based on preference but on my own needs. She always hated her mother in law, and always talked about her (my grandma) trying to "steal" me from her. This is probably a well known motive, but in my case there is absolutely nothing true to this.
Things really went down the drain when her dad (my grandpa) died, her mother passed away in 1980 already. At that point she completely went out of control. She discovered that my grandparents stated in their last will, that their house will go to ......me, and mom (their daughter) is "only" the steward unil she passes away. While i found this a real pratical way do deal with things from my grandparents side, mom went batshit crazy. What i am telling now is what i think happened: Her parents didnt tell her about his, so she was taken completely by surprise. She also took this as a lack of trust, otherwise they could have given her the house to give it to me (mom and me are both single kids). I guess her mind couldnt process this information. Additional to that (and that may be the reason for my grandparents decision) my mother was an epileptic in her youth. When she reached her climacteric, she started to suffer from this again. I witnessed her waking up in the middle of the night, sitting down in the kitchen talking to me, and the next morning she doesnt remember anything. Stuff like this.
It went so bad, that she accused me of forging my grandparents´ last will, breaking into her house, stealing silver spoons (and replacing them with nails), and finally of having shot at her. But, i am her son and she loves me!!!
I guess you know that scheme "You are terrible, you are worthless (without me). Look at what you make me do". The typical abusive spouse behaviour. Yet in her case i think it was not deliberate but caused by some unknown psycholigical or even physilogical problem with her mind/brain. To me it was the most horrible torture, and i think many of you who were fundamentalists can relate to this somehow (however your abusive parent was rather imaginary).
I still have tapes from my answering machine from the 90s, full with insults of her towards me, just to have proof in case some (legal) shit comes my way.
She used to call me up to 30 (THIRTY) times a day to dish out insults and end with "but i love you", until i couldnt take it anymore (i was already at university, which required ALL my attention). I finally got me a new phone number, moved away, and told dad never to tell her anything about me but that i am doing fine. I.just.couldnt.take.it.anymore.

And yet i am sitting here in tears, partially because i am relieved, and partially because i still loved her. One of the last things i told her was that as far as i am concerned, she can live forever and be in that damn house. The last thing i ever said was that she can call me anytime she is well and cured again, otherwise we will see each other next time at her funeral. Looks one of the two propositions has become true.

Just had to get this off my chest. I am crying, although i havent seen her for so long, but i am not made of wood.

P.S.: The fact that my dad doesnt answer the phone today (as he usually does) doesnt make me feel better. Pictures of him rotting in his living room while the TV is running are in my head now. Fucking crazy.

Wow, that seems like a pretty rocky relationship. Sorry. I can appreciate what it is like to be in a familial relationship in which the other person is not altogether rational, with religious overtones. But I don't know what it would be like if I were the only child of an only child obsessed with me. However if you ever commit a crime you should probably receive a reduced sentence for time already served.

I hope you've had enough time on your own to 'find yourself' and resolve some of the fallout. Therapy can be a real luxury in that regard provided you get someone capable and professional, far from a given.

Hope you get some added resolution from her passing at least.

“Tiger got to hunt, bird got to fly;
Man got to sit and wonder 'why, why, why?'
Tiger got to sleep, bird got to land;
Man got to tell himself he understand.”

― Kurt Vonnegut, Cat's Cradle
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11-04-2017, 01:00 PM
RE: My mother died
(11-04-2017 12:27 PM)whateverist Wrote:  However if you ever commit a crime you should probably receive a reduced sentence for time already served.

I hope you've had enough time on your own to 'find yourself' and resolve some of the fallout. Therapy can be a real luxury in that regard provided you get someone capable and professional, far from a given.

Hope you get some added resolution from her passing at least.

The members of TTA who were long time deeply religious maybe can relate to this: It took me very long to realize that my family situation was in fact not the norm. It took me several more years, and lots of people who crossed my path, to realize that there are more people with dysfunctional families (or at least partially) and a least a few corpese in the figurative basement. So during big parts of my youth i thought it was either my fault or quite the norm, and suffering was subjectively not so big. Only when i "woke up" is when it really started. Her crasiness also manifested much more mostly after i became an adult.

Knowing that there was maybe some underlying mental illness or other condition (probably genetically), made it somewhat easier as well. It helped to forgive my mother for how she behaved. Just a few days ago i was handed a few boxes with pictures and stuff, which were left over from cleaning up the house. Some of them show her in her later years, looking quite emaciated, at least compared to how i knew her, so its seems to be true that she had major health problems as well. I feel more pity than anything else for her and how her life went in general. However i put most of the boxes in my basement and will have a closer look at them when i am ready some time. A lot of them are from the 50s and late 60s, showing her feeding a little toddler (me) and sitting around with elderly people i dont know (probably my great grandparents) as well as pics of my parents around the time they married in their late 20s.

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11-04-2017, 04:56 PM
RE: My mother died
My deepest condolences Deesse No
(sorry for being late with this. I hope you are doing ok-ish by now?)

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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