My nascent chapter 1
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27-08-2017, 06:36 PM
RE: My nascent chapter 1
(27-08-2017 06:32 PM)jerry mcmasters Wrote:  This is way more interesting than whatever we're going to get to read.

This is why I stay.

#sigh
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27-08-2017, 06:37 PM
RE: My nascent chapter 1
Fine, I'll give it a go...

(1st two pages out of 11 pages so far of chapter 1)

"I. ENQUIRIS KNIGHTS

Kindness is universal when one is kind to oneself then to others.
— Ikhirus Sagsven


Kingdom Azuris sent twenty-one armadas of average four-thousand various starships far and wide in several galaxies. It was a second instalment in the series of affairs called Inspiring Adventures, since its first instalment was successful and naturalised more than nine-hundred thousand Knights of the White Swan. Inspiring Adventures was very prestigious in which privileged and selected humans were invited to engage in intellectually, spiritually, socially, morally and creatively challenging adventures, specialise and develop their inner authority, spiritual intelligence and imperial and divine assets and learn about their spiritual place in the uncharted universe and heavens with interconnections to divine civilisations and deities.

In Inspiring Adventures II, one-hundred thousand Knights of the White Swan would lead, escort and guide more than ten million prospective subjects in very adventurously wealthy, epic and interesting settings with more than a billion spiritual artefacts and rewards in store. Each armada consisted of several kinds of starships such as one flagship, two arkships, six motherships, forty battleships, two-hundred cruisers, five-hundred destroyers, one-thousand warships and two-thousand frigates. In each armada, supplies included one-thousand aerial houses, six-thousand stellar pavilions, twelve-thousand AI computers, sixty-thousand ion-powered tablets with styli, eight-thousand arsenals of various armaments, twenty-thousand armoured vehicles and one-hundred thousand architectural design instruments.

Somewhere in the intergalactic sector called Kursall IV, Cruiser Jorseus II descended in the thickest white clouds in an uncharted world called Tsiers. It was dawn. Somewhere in Cruiser Jorseus II’s sunlit imperial dining hall was a broad white high-decked table with twenty-eight high seats. On the table was many plates, jars and pots of aromatic and immaculate food and drinks. The two guardian angels with swords, swan-like helmets and golden armours in white cloaks with blue stripes hovered and patrolled close to the walls near either of the two opposite archways while several white doves nestled the high atrium and white butterflies scurried about the enclosure of teal hedges with intricate gardens and jasmine flowers.

Sergeant Queres Isynas’ turquoise coronet shined while his silky jet-black hair cascaded over the shoulders. His face with silhouetted thin nose flared white in the sunlight while his pupils gleamed azure, veiled in long glossy black eyelashes. He pursed his pink thin lips whilst seated on the throne with the entire table, all seaters and surrounds in clearest sight.

Dozen Knights of the White Swan, six Justiciars, three Templars and three Imperialists sat on either side of the table. The invisible archon sat opposite to Sergeant Queres Isynas. The remaining two attendants were absent, to Sergeant Queres Isynas’ slightest indignation.

Sergeant Queres Isynas raised his forefinger and gesturally swiped from one side to another, kindling all the candles throughout the table, lanterns scattered in the gardens, chandeliers in the atrium and sconces on the walls.

Sergeant Queres Isynas raised and twisted his palm and through telekinesis opened every dish and bottle. Intense aroma vaporised. Steam overflowed. He signalled the waiter to distribute each seater one set of plate, bowl, fork, knife, spoon, cup and chalice and serve such exquisite food as golden slow-roasted ducks intermeshing baked potatoes with coconut cream and sugar-coated thin slices of deboned salmon, in apple-tinged gravy with saffron-mixed white rice, wedges of pear, cherry tomatoes, coriander, olives, artichokes and dark chocolate chips. Each bowl was filled with white cornflakes with skimmed milk and white chocolate chips while cups were poured with orange-flavoured coconut sherbet and chalices contained steamy distilled water.

Sahas Iswan among Knights of the White Swan was the first seater who was one hour earlier and immersed in using his ion-powered tablet with stylus whilst indifferent and disinterested to eat. Another seater who stared at the plate of food in front couldn’t help eat whilst silently hysterical about an unidentified, immanent voice. Whilst stern and expecting everyone to eat well in a timely manner, Sergeant Queres Isynas was particularly attentive to the few slackers and their diversions in using illicit devices and declared, ‘The breakfast is prepared, individually tailored and calculated to suit young adventurers and warriors with select nutrients and nourishers. It is scientifically and authentically tested to ensure and develop in yourselves each immunity to uncertain and dire conditions, warfare calibre, constitutional strengths and adventurous intelligence.’

He raised the tone with slightest disparagement, ‘It is also generously supplemented to improve your conscience and ability to multitask and handle contingent issues as ridiculously trivial and diversional as using immersive computers in unsuited venues and as epically deadly as existential desertification, getting time-warped and exposure to nuclear wars.’

...."
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27-08-2017, 06:53 PM
RE: My nascent chapter 1
For my tastes it was too much to get a handle on. Less is more, start specific, make me care about a single character or two, then build your world. But I say write for pleasure and write to please yourself. Thanks for sharing, opening yourself up to criticism is kinda scary.

Consider browsing through the threads and adding some comments!

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27-08-2017, 06:54 PM
RE: My nascent chapter 1
(27-08-2017 05:57 PM)Thinker Wrote:  
(27-08-2017 03:02 PM)TSG Wrote:  How about.... do you believe in God? Consider

No. Why?

It's an atheist forum and I thought that might be a good place to start. Sadcryface

More Min Gee Ziss
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27-08-2017, 07:02 PM
RE: My nascent chapter 1
[Image: giphy.gif]

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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28-08-2017, 12:07 AM
RE: My nascent chapter 1
(27-08-2017 06:32 PM)Thinker Wrote:  The thing is, I don't want anyone to copy my text so image will make it inconvenient to do so.

Online PDF to Text Converter.

Unfortunately, I'm not a fan of fantasy science fiction, so I can't comment meaningfully other than to say not much of your story makes much sense to me; sorry.

I can say though that you need to watch your flowery, overly-descriptive adjectival phrases describing just about everything and every body. Also—considering the advanced era—some of your science or technological devices sound a bit anachronistic. You need to invent some new era-appropriate technology in order to project your story far into the future—that's what really good sci-fi is all about. Think HG Wells, Jules Verne, Arthur C Clarke, Isaac Asimov et al.

The other thing is that you've tried to introduce a plethora of characters and places with difficult—in the short term—names to remember. As a result, we have no feelings about their individual, personal characteristics, or even what they look like; it's important not to leave them merely as one-dimensional, cardboard cutouts of a zillion past sci-fi characters with fancy names.

You've done well to give a sense of place with the meeting/banquet hall, but it doesn't really give a sense of time—it could've been set in 17th-century England for all we know. Roast duck?

In a nutshell then; too much ground covered in too few pages. And sadly, if the first chapter of a book—any book—doesn't grab one's attention, then you've lost the reader.

I do commend you though on taking the time and obvious effort to construct your story, as I know I certainly don't have the patience for this sort of thing! Thanks for showing us. Smile

I'm a creationist... I believe that man created God.
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28-08-2017, 12:16 AM
RE: My nascent chapter 1
(28-08-2017 12:07 AM)SYZ Wrote:  
(27-08-2017 06:32 PM)Thinker Wrote:  The thing is, I don't want anyone to copy my text so image will make it inconvenient to do so.

Online PDF to Text Converter.

Unfortunately, I'm not a fan of fantasy science fiction, so I can't comment meaningfully other than to say not much of your story makes much sense to me; sorry.

I can say though that you need to watch your flowery, overly-descriptive adjectival phrases describing just about everything and every body. Also—considering the advanced era—some of your science or technological devices sound a bit anachronistic. You need to invent some new era-appropriate technology in order to project your story far into the future—that's what really good sci-fi is all about. Think HG Wells, Jules Verne, Arthur C Clarke, Isaac Asimov et al.

The other thing is that you've tried to introduce a plethora of characters and places with difficult—in the short term—names to remember. As a result, we have no feelings about their individual, personal characteristics, or even what they look like; it's important not to leave them merely as one-dimensional, cardboard cutouts of a zillion past sci-fi characters with fancy names.

You've done well to give a sense of place with the meeting/banquet hall, but it doesn't really give a sense of time—it could've been set in 17th-century England for all we know. Roast duck?

In a nutshell then; too much ground covered in too few pages. And sadly, if the first chapter of a book—any book—doesn't grab one's attention, then you've lost the reader.

I do commend you though on taking the time and obvious effort to construct your story, as I know I certainly don't have the patience for this sort of thing! Thanks for showing us. Smile

I will take into account your constructive criticism.

I am very well aware that I am using multiple genres - sci fi and high fantasy, romance and action. However, did you read the chapter fully, which is 11 pages long which can be found via my website and its hyperlinked novels?

As for character names, most are my original ones. Actually, I'm being very radical and experimental so what I wrote may strike you as atypical, anachronistic and weird.

I will try to simplify language use but for all the characters and settings, I'm very clear what I want to convey - you just have to read through to the last page of the chapter.
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28-08-2017, 01:46 AM
RE: My nascent chapter 1
Listen up Thinker.

Mate, you're goin' about this stuff all wrong mate.

You need to think "How many dollars is this crap gonna make me?"

In that case, think Marketing.

So, first thing mate. You gotta change that dumb fuckin' title mate. Use the word Naked.

Seriously mate, what'd grab your attention.

This?

My nascent chapter 1

Or this?

My NAKED chapter.

Fuck off that 1 shit. Nobody's gonna reach down and pick that thing up. Won't rip out the wallet either mate.

You'll make fuckin' nothin'!

Mate, really?

Marketing!

Mate you can then buy a pub, put some pokies in it and live off the stupid poor sods who throw their wages through it while havin' a smoke and a beer.

Sit back mate. Go fishin' or somethin'. Get enough money and you'll need a bloody cricket bat to keep all the sheilas at bay.

When you're rich, remember old Banjo who gave ya this crackin' advice.

You're welcome.

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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28-08-2017, 02:50 AM (This post was last modified: 28-08-2017 03:10 AM by Thinker.)
RE: My nascent chapter 1
(28-08-2017 01:46 AM)Banjo Wrote:  Listen up Thinker.

Mate, you're goin' about this stuff all wrong mate.

You need to think "How many dollars is this crap gonna make me?"

In that case, think Marketing.

So, first thing mate. You gotta change that dumb fuckin' title mate. Use the word Naked.

Seriously mate, what'd grab your attention.

This?

My nascent chapter 1

Or this?

My NAKED chapter.

Fuck off that 1 shit. Nobody's gonna reach down and pick that thing up. Won't rip out the wallet either mate.

You'll make fuckin' nothin'!

Mate, really?

Marketing!

Mate you can then buy a pub, put some pokies in it and live off the stupid poor sods who throw their wages through it while havin' a smoke and a beer.

Sit back mate. Go fishin' or somethin'. Get enough money and you'll need a bloody cricket bat to keep all the sheilas at bay.

When you're rich, remember old Banjo who gave ya this crackin' advice.

You're welcome.
You got me thinking practically...

Sent from my CPH1609 using Tapatalk

Ed: It took me a while to process your reply, emotionally - I was kind of hurt by your seemingly acidic tone.

However, let me explain myself. I am not into novel writing as a career - this is just my hobby. My career is architecture, as can be gleaned on my webpages About and Ethos.

I never have thought about earning living through selling novels or art - I have only thought about doing so through working as an architect.

And as for marketability of my novels, I do not intend to address trendy audience - I like to write with 'integrity', meaning sensitive consideration for readers of all ages, ethnicities and walks of life - so I have been very considerate with how I used words together albeit that this was my very first chapter to share.
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28-08-2017, 02:50 PM
RE: My nascent chapter 1
All you do is tell us to visit your website. Why are you only here to advertise? Or will you just start yet another thread for your site?
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