My own personal demon
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11-02-2016, 06:29 AM
RE: My own personal demon
(26-01-2016 08:55 PM)TurkeyBurner Wrote:  There is, in particular, one demon that has lived with me for a long time. Because of it, I lived much of my youth and young adulthood as two different people.

You are drawing parallels here between then and now.

It is more likely though that one of the side effects of acute grieving is actually the case. The feeling of being outside of oneself and watching oneself grieve is described by most people who are experiencing serious grief. It is caused by the inability to control the process.

I can totally see that this reminds you of being two different people. In fact, it sure looks like it, whether there has been such an incident earlier or not. It is what causes people with acute grief to think they are going "crazy".

There is no time limit or proper sequence of the attributes of grief, but this detachment of oneself and the world usually happens early in the process and doesn't last all that long.

Do some research on grief and grieving - the knowledge won't help you stop it, but it will make it more tolerable. (research is a pain though, too much religious BS is published on the topic. I wish I had saved links to things that were worth reading. )

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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11-02-2016, 07:33 AM
RE: My own personal demon
Caging it doesn't work permanently. It will secretly eat away at its bindings until the hasp is loosed and the opportunity to wreak havoc on you is once again at hand. You must free it. That seems to be what you are doing here by posting, partially. Shame is a tool, and beneficial, showing that you do have remorse, compassion, and guilt. Use it as such, learning and changing because of it. However don't let the demon catch wind of it or it will be manipulated into something that it can use to bring you low. You seem to have learned from the shame already, so release it and the demon that clings to it. Remember, yes. Change, yes.
Wallow in misery, no.

I wish you the best. Probably the last person you want to hear from, but I can and do relate.

Peace, sincerely with humility.

I am sorry for your loss.
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15-03-2016, 10:39 AM
RE: My own personal demon
There has always been a part of me that I thought no one would understand or be capable of loving. I hate it. I hate that part of myself, that part of my history, the actions of mine that so affected much of the way I see the world. Worst of all, I hate the way this part of me affected other people. I have tried to pretend it isn't always there, gnawing at the restraints I have placed around it, raging against the darkness I have created to hide it. Nevertheless, it is always there and I always feel it.

There is much more to me than that. I have grown in spite of my demons. I have developed talents and aquired knowledge. I have contributed to society and tried to make a positive difference in my community and in the lives of those around me. I have loved deeply, and been loved in return. Until now, I have lived my life as though that were enough. But deep down, I've always wanted to set free the ugly part of me.

In a moment of crisis, I once shared a glimpse of this part of me with someone who loved me, or at least loved all that I had allowed her to see of me. Just a glimpse of the darkness, though, and I immediately saw the reaction in her eyes. It wasn't hate or repulsion. She is too good for that. It was pity. She would love me in spite of it. I admired that. So, I never mentioned it again. I placed that part of me back in the cage, secure in the knowledge that even with its presence I was loved. I tried to be normal. Everyone wants a normal, sane and confident person.

But that isn't enough.

There are things I do, think, and say that are influenced by the hidden parts of me. They are not congruent with most of what everyone else sees of me. So, I come across as just a little odd, a little different. I'm what others would call fun, if maybe a little eccentric. I pull off a facade of being mostly normal with a little quirkiness. I hang around the edges of social groups and clubs. But, I have never quite fit in. In reality, I have always wanted to just escape, not from other people, but to a place that I fear does not exist - a place with other people just like me. I crave to be understood.

No one seems to notice how sad I am. That is, however, by my choice. Having perfected the art of concealment as a child, I do a really good job of hiding it. Sometimes others see flashes of anger, or inappropriate humor, or drunken goofiness. They write it off as part of my quirkiness. They shake their heads and smile at me. And, in return, I feel the briefest moment of relief that I could release just a tiny bit of the darkness building inside of me.

But that isn't enough.

The price of this relief is always shame. The darker part of me has been starved. I have starved it relentlessly hoping it would die. But it will never die. It requires attention that I am tired of fighting to deny to it. I am tired of the cycle of starving myself, giving in, shaming myself and then starving myself again.

Some would say I need medication to quiet my mind. Some would say therapy could help me cope. Some would say only god can cast out this demon. But I know it will never go away. It is me. I will no more rid myself of this part of me than I would saw off half my body. It's possible, I suppose, but it would ruin me. And why should I?

What I need is a quiet, unpitying, non-judgemental understanding of ALL me. What I need is acceptance of ALL of me. I need more than love of most of me in spite of the rest of me. What I need is love for ALL of me. I want to let ALL of me live and grow, not just the parts of me that most people want to see. I want to embrace myself, all of me, and not be ashamed or compelled to conform.

Sadly, I am going to hurt others to achieve this. But, if ever I want to truly, fully love others, I have to do it as myself, my complete self.

I am comfortable. I am mostly happy. But that isn't enough.

I have reached a breaking point. I must break free or I fear I will break myself. I only wish I had realized it sooner.

I just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now. Heart
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15-03-2016, 10:52 AM
RE: My own personal demon
(15-03-2016 10:39 AM)TurkeyBurner Wrote:  There has always been a part of me that I thought no one would understand or be capable of loving. I hate it. I hate that part of myself, that part of my history, the actions of mine that so affected much of the way I see the world. Worst of all, I hate the way this part of me affected other people. I have tried to pretend it isn't always there, gnawing at the restraints I have placed around it, raging against the darkness I have created to hide it. Nevertheless, it is always there and I always feel it.

There is much more to me than that. I have grown in spite of my demons. I have developed talents and aquired knowledge. I have contributed to society and tried to make a positive difference in my community and in the lives of those around me. I have loved deeply, and been loved in return. Until now, I have lived my life as though that were enough. But deep down, I've always wanted to set free the ugly part of me.

In a moment of crisis, I once shared a glimpse of this part of me with someone who loved me, or at least loved all that I had allowed her to see of me. Just a glimpse of the darkness, though, and I immediately saw the reaction in her eyes. It wasn't hate or repulsion. She is too good for that. It was pity. She would love me in spite of it. I admired that. So, I never mentioned it again. I placed that part of me back in the cage, secure in the knowledge that even with its presence I was loved. I tried to be normal. Everyone wants a normal, sane and confident person.

But that isn't enough.

There are things I do, think, and say that are influenced by the hidden parts of me. They are not congruent with most of what everyone else sees of me. So, I come across as just a little odd, a little different. I'm what others would call fun, if maybe a little eccentric. I pull off a facade of being mostly normal with a little quirkiness. I hang around the edges of social groups and clubs. But, I have never quite fit in. In reality, I have always wanted to just escape, not from other people, but to a place that I fear does not exist - a place with other people just like me. I crave to be understood.

No one seems to notice how sad I am. That is, however, by my choice. Having perfected the art of concealment as a child, I do a really good job of hiding it. Sometimes others see flashes of anger, or inappropriate humor, or drunken goofiness. They write it off as part of my quirkiness. They shake their heads and smile at me. And, in return, I feel the briefest moment of relief that I could release just a tiny bit of the darkness building inside of me.

But that isn't enough.

The price of this relief is always shame. The darker part of me has been starved. I have starved it relentlessly hoping it would die. But it will never die. It requires attention that I am tired of fighting to deny to it. I am tired of the cycle of starving myself, giving in, shaming myself and then starving myself again.

Some would say I need medication to quiet my mind. Some would say therapy could help me cope. Some would say only god can cast out this demon. But I know it will never go away. It is me. I will no more rid myself of this part of me than I would saw off half my body. It's possible, I suppose, but it would ruin me. And why should I?

What I need is a quiet, unpitying, non-judgemental understanding of ALL me. What I need is acceptance of ALL of me. I need more than love of most of me in spite of the rest of me. What I need is love for ALL of me. I want to let ALL of me live and grow, not just the parts of me that most people want to see. I want to embrace myself, all of me, and not be ashamed or compelled to conform.

Sadly, I am going to hurt others to achieve this. But, if ever I want to truly, fully love others, I have to do it as myself, my complete self.

I am comfortable. I am mostly happy. But that isn't enough.

I have reached a breaking point. I must break free or I fear I will break myself. I only wish I had realized it sooner.

This reads like the first chapter of a book.

There is nothing much to say because we lack specifics.

What exactly is this dark side? What makes it dark?

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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15-03-2016, 11:02 AM
RE: My own personal demon
(15-03-2016 10:52 AM)Dom Wrote:  
(15-03-2016 10:39 AM)TurkeyBurner Wrote:  There has always been a part of me that I thought no one would understand or be capable of loving. I hate it. I hate that part of myself, that part of my history, the actions of mine that so affected much of the way I see the world. Worst of all, I hate the way this part of me affected other people. I have tried to pretend it isn't always there, gnawing at the restraints I have placed around it, raging against the darkness I have created to hide it. Nevertheless, it is always there and I always feel it.

There is much more to me than that. I have grown in spite of my demons. I have developed talents and aquired knowledge. I have contributed to society and tried to make a positive difference in my community and in the lives of those around me. I have loved deeply, and been loved in return. Until now, I have lived my life as though that were enough. But deep down, I've always wanted to set free the ugly part of me.

In a moment of crisis, I once shared a glimpse of this part of me with someone who loved me, or at least loved all that I had allowed her to see of me. Just a glimpse of the darkness, though, and I immediately saw the reaction in her eyes. It wasn't hate or repulsion. She is too good for that. It was pity. She would love me in spite of it. I admired that. So, I never mentioned it again. I placed that part of me back in the cage, secure in the knowledge that even with its presence I was loved. I tried to be normal. Everyone wants a normal, sane and confident person.

But that isn't enough.

There are things I do, think, and say that are influenced by the hidden parts of me. They are not congruent with most of what everyone else sees of me. So, I come across as just a little odd, a little different. I'm what others would call fun, if maybe a little eccentric. I pull off a facade of being mostly normal with a little quirkiness. I hang around the edges of social groups and clubs. But, I have never quite fit in. In reality, I have always wanted to just escape, not from other people, but to a place that I fear does not exist - a place with other people just like me. I crave to be understood.

No one seems to notice how sad I am. That is, however, by my choice. Having perfected the art of concealment as a child, I do a really good job of hiding it. Sometimes others see flashes of anger, or inappropriate humor, or drunken goofiness. They write it off as part of my quirkiness. They shake their heads and smile at me. And, in return, I feel the briefest moment of relief that I could release just a tiny bit of the darkness building inside of me.

But that isn't enough.

The price of this relief is always shame. The darker part of me has been starved. I have starved it relentlessly hoping it would die. But it will never die. It requires attention that I am tired of fighting to deny to it. I am tired of the cycle of starving myself, giving in, shaming myself and then starving myself again.

Some would say I need medication to quiet my mind. Some would say therapy could help me cope. Some would say only god can cast out this demon. But I know it will never go away. It is me. I will no more rid myself of this part of me than I would saw off half my body. It's possible, I suppose, but it would ruin me. And why should I?

What I need is a quiet, unpitying, non-judgemental understanding of ALL me. What I need is acceptance of ALL of me. I need more than love of most of me in spite of the rest of me. What I need is love for ALL of me. I want to let ALL of me live and grow, not just the parts of me that most people want to see. I want to embrace myself, all of me, and not be ashamed or compelled to conform.

Sadly, I am going to hurt others to achieve this. But, if ever I want to truly, fully love others, I have to do it as myself, my complete self.

I am comfortable. I am mostly happy. But that isn't enough.

I have reached a breaking point. I must break free or I fear I will break myself. I only wish I had realized it sooner.

This reads like the first chapter of a book.

There is nothing much to say because we lack specifics.

What exactly is this dark side? What makes it dark?

I wish I could share the answers your questions. I guess this post was meant as the conclusion to this thread. And I suppose it is the opening chapter in a new book.

My apologies for the melodramatic flair. I tend to work my emotions out through writing.

I just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now. Heart
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15-03-2016, 11:19 AM
RE: My own personal demon
*HUGS*
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15-03-2016, 11:51 AM
RE: My own personal demon
I can understand death bringing out guilt. When I was a child (around 5-6) I had some terrible things done to me by a man. I found out my 8th grade year that he killed himself.

While I feel very glad that he isnt around to hurt anyone else now, I cant help but feel like I may have been part of the cause of his death...and that makes me feel like its my fault. Sad I hope you manage to fight through whatever this is. Maybe talking to someone would help.
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15-03-2016, 01:03 PM
RE: My own personal demon
(15-03-2016 11:51 AM)Hobbitgirl Wrote:  I can understand death bringing out guilt. When I was a child (around 5-6) I had some terrible things done to me by a man. I found out my 8th grade year that he killed himself.

While I feel very glad that he isnt around to hurt anyone else now, I cant help but feel like I may have been part of the cause of his death...and that makes me feel like its my fault. Sad I hope you manage to fight through whatever this is. Maybe talking to someone would help.

Hug None of it was your fault. Not one ounce your fault from start to finish. You don't need to own any of that guilt.
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15-03-2016, 01:04 PM
RE: My own personal demon
Hugs for you too, Turkey. I really hope you find the peace you seek.
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15-03-2016, 06:04 PM (This post was last modified: 15-03-2016 06:10 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: My own personal demon
(15-03-2016 10:39 AM)TurkeyBurner Wrote:  The darker part of me has been starved. I have starved it relentlessly hoping it would die. But it will never die.

When my Black Dog first showed up rabid 40 years ago in my mid-teens, I was able to eventually able to capture it, chain it, then cage it, then sedate it. But it ain't dead. Like you said, I don't think it will die while I live. Wakes up every decade or so and looks around, sees it's in a cage and starts growling. And then it starts barking. And then it goes rabid. And then it looks like it might break of its cage. I have to sedate it before it breaks out the cage. I have no choice. So I do.

#sigh
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