My relationship
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12-01-2017, 08:45 AM
RE: My relationship
(12-01-2017 08:43 AM)Heath_Tierney Wrote:  
(12-01-2017 08:31 AM)excitedpenguin Wrote:  This is all my fault.

This is not about fault or assigning blame or anything of the sort. It is simply that, from what you've written, you and her appear to be incompatible.

There's no blame to be had here.

Release her, and yourself, from this struggle.

Again, good luck.

My thoughts exactly
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12-01-2017, 08:47 AM
RE: My relationship
In a few years you'll be able to get a robot. And for convenience, it'll probably let you log in using your own Facebook account.

'Murican Canadian
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12-01-2017, 08:56 AM
RE: My relationship
(12-01-2017 08:31 AM)excitedpenguin Wrote:  This is all my fault. And I will do better by her.

You seem a bit dramatic. It's not all your fault or all her fault.

I also think you need to end the relationship with her and instead work on your own insecurities and control issues. It seems like your self-esteem is very low. This is why you declare love and serious relationship after a few months, it's why you feel the need to forbid her things and demand you be the center of her universe despite the long distance and new relationship, this is why you freak out at her flirting a bit with others and this is why you feel the need to monitor and control her interactions with others.
I'm sure she's been doing a lot of things towards you that were wrong, but she's not the only one who's been doing wrong.

Stay away from relationships right now and work on becoming someone who believes in himself and is able to have a healthy, blossoming relationship.

That's my advice either way.

I hope you feel better and I'm sorry you're hurt. I'm sure you can sort yourself out. Here's a hug Hug

"I believe that while not all people are essentially good, most are trying" - Adam Savage
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12-01-2017, 09:12 AM (This post was last modified: 12-01-2017 09:41 AM by unfogged.)
RE: My relationship
(12-01-2017 08:31 AM)excitedpenguin Wrote:  Thank you everyone, and especially the "negative" side. I think they have it right. This is all my fault. And I will do better by her.

Nobody said it was all your fault. You need to (a) get over yourself, (b) get out of this relationship, and ( c) chill the fuck out. When you find somebody who is right you won't need all this drama and if you have all the drama then it isn't right.

Atheism: it's not just for communists any more!
America July 4 1776 - November 8 2016 RIP
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12-01-2017, 12:46 PM
RE: My relationship
May I respectfully forward the premise that you are not in fact in love with her, but with your own idealized idea of what she is, or what she might represent to you?

This is what makes it hard for you to reconcile the facts you have observed about her with your own ideal of what she is or might be.

And as others have pointed out to you, why would you want to be in such a relationship that needs to be changed/forced?

I have always liked the line by Alanis Morrissette, "I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you. Lend me some fresh air."

"Theology made no provision for evolution. The biblical authors had missed the most important revelation of all! Could it be that they were not really privy to the thoughts of God?" - E. O. Wilson
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12-01-2017, 01:27 PM
RE: My relationship
There is no such thing a a perfect person, everyone has bull shit you gotta deal with and how much it affects your life is the true test of a relationship.

In any relationship its very easy to accept and love the other person's good qualities, anyone can do that. A person's sense of humor, their intelligence, their looks should be all attractive to you but real love comes from fully accepting their bullshit, I mean it can be anything, their dumb friends, their whiny complaints, their bad habits. How strongly you love those parts of a person is how strong your love is for them in the end.

Your partner's worst quality shouldn't impact you in way that hurts you this badly, the lying and cheating (and yeah if she's sending nudes, she's cheating) should be totally acceptable to you. You want her to change? That's totally fair but maybe she wants you to change too? Is that fair?

Everything she does that you hate should be acceptable to you or maybe you should like it. Maybe it's exciting to know she's flirting with other guys or keeping secrets, maybe it's mysterious or something but no it's not. It's toxic and extremely damaging. If you can't accept these parts of her personality either get used to it or leave because she won't just change, this is just who she is.

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12-01-2017, 03:49 PM (This post was last modified: 12-01-2017 03:55 PM by dirtstar.)
RE: My relationship
(12-01-2017 01:27 PM)SitaSky Wrote:  There is no such thing a a perfect person, everyone has bull shit you gotta deal with and how much it affects your life is the true test of a relationship.

In any relationship its very easy to accept and love the other person's good qualities, anyone can do that. A person's sense of humor, their intelligence, their looks should be all attractive to you but real love comes from fully accepting their bullshit, I mean it can be anything, their dumb friends, their whiny complaints, their bad habits. How strongly you love those parts of a person is how strong your love is for them in the end.

Your partner's worst quality shouldn't impact you in way that hurts you this badly, the lying and cheating (and yeah if she's sending nudes, she's cheating) should be totally acceptable to you. You want her to change? That's totally fair but maybe she wants you to change too? Is that fair?

Everything she does that you hate should be acceptable to you or maybe you should like it. Maybe it's exciting to know she's flirting with other guys or keeping secrets, maybe it's mysterious or something but no it's not. It's toxic and extremely damaging. If you can't accept these parts of her personality either get used to it or leave because she won't just change, this is just who she is.

I agree with all of this with the exception of that I have bullshit too. Big Grin

OP even if you could change her my friend why would you? Who's to say that, just the way she is, she's not perfect for someone else? And consider that someone else, without changing much at all, is perfect for you too. Thumbsup

Sometimes we meet and it's just not time yet. Timing is everything. You can move on and still cherish their very existence and any good memories you have together yet not be involved in each others lives for the better. There's something appreciative about it. If it's not time for you two to be together then you can deal with that. There's nothing you can do about it. She's ALMOST perfect right? I get it. But the timing isn't right for you two and may never be... who knows. It's not the end necessarily however... you never know if the timing could be right in the future but for now you're only chance is to consider it a timing casualty and cut your losses there.

In the meantime someone could be in sight who is perfect for you now but you won't notice until you put this timing casualty behind you.
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12-01-2017, 04:03 PM
RE: My relationship
(12-01-2017 08:31 AM)excitedpenguin Wrote:  Thank you everyone, and especially the "negative" side. I think they have it right. This is all my fault. And I will do better by her.

I am wondering your age group?

You do come across as a control freak. A jealous control freak at that. You may even be dangerous.

She seems mad.

This will end badly if left to carry on.

I advise you get counselling. Nothing to be ashamed of. I begin my own next week.

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
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12-01-2017, 04:21 PM
RE: My relationship
(12-01-2017 03:49 PM)dirtstar Wrote:  I agree with all of this with the exception of that I have bullshit too. Big Grin

Oh yes definitely, we all have shit that other people have to deal with and no amount of love can change someone that much.

With my relationship my fiance has had to deal with a lot of my mood swings and sometimes I talk too much but he's very stable and really laid back so it works out. For his side he snores and plays too many video games but I can sleep through it and we all gotta have a hobby.

For me I think there are certain things that are deal breakers, cheating, lying, being manipulative, abuse of all types, etc. There is not one person in the world who deserves that kind of treatment unless they want it. Either way if your partner treats you that way it's because you like it or you're just accepting it for no good reason.

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12-01-2017, 04:25 PM
RE: My relationship
(12-01-2017 08:31 AM)excitedpenguin Wrote:  Thank you everyone, and especially the "negative" side. I think they have it right. This is all my fault. And I will do better by her.

You're not perfect because no one is but this girl has lied to you, basically cheated on you and flirted with other guys. It's not cool to demand someone's FB account access but at the same time there shouldn't have been anything there.

I've had friends who always want to see if their partner is cheating on them, they go through their phone, their email, and their social media and it's like what are you looking to find? Do you want to find out they are cheating? So you can break up with them? Just break up with them if that is the case.

If you want to stay together, you have to trust them. That means eyes off their private messaging and texting and all the rest. If can't trust them and leave that stuff alone, the relationship is already over.

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