My stupid brain is never giving me a break
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28-03-2017, 09:39 AM
My stupid brain is never giving me a break
I don't really have any questions or anything, I just need to talk to some understanding internet-people.
Due to long term illness (severe depression and anxiety) I've only had very limited ability to work for a long time. A social worker has been working on getting me an official grant for long term handicapped people who can't work much. It's called a FlexJob, and when you're granted one of these you get to work, indefinitely rather than just for a limited number of years, for as much as you're able to and then the state pays you a decent salary. Anyway, getting this granted is a process that takes a long time. You are only considered for it once it's been established that all medical treatment options have been exhausted and there is no way you're going to regain ability to work in the future. It's been two years so far of paperwork and trial to establish how much I'm able to work. Half a year ago it was concluded that I could manage 8 hours per week, distributed over two days. Since then it's just been waiting for the "higher powers" to review my case. This might still take a while. It's an exhausting process.
Anyway, while waiting for the case to come through I've been working for those 8 hours per week. However it's been going rapidly downhill and a couple of weeks ago we decided to try with me working just one day per week, for four hours.
However, I've continued to get worse and my boss and case workers got so worried they strongly suggested that I stopped working altogether, until my case is decided, so that I can get a complete break. I agreed that this is for the best.
I feel like a huge failure though. I loved that job, so I really wanted to be able to handle it. And thanks to my disease I've failed at achieving so much during my life, I really wanted to finally have some success despite the disease.
At the same time I'm hugely relieved, because working was causing me so much constant anxiety.
It's also worrying in general that I'm doing worse disease-wise. There isn't anything further that can be done with medication. I'm already on a powerful cocktail. And I'm getting maximal doses of all 6 drugs. It's causing my pulse to constantly be too high, among other side effect.
If I don't get better again I will have to start getting Electroconvulsive Therapy treatments again (Electro shock. Don't worry, it's under full anesthesia). I've had 53 of those treatments in the past and it's the only thing that has worked. It seemed that medication has been able to keep me stable for a while now since the last intense series of treatments, but if this medication fails that's the only option left.
It isn't particularly horrible to get ECT. It's just extremely tiring. And the serious issue is that it started to effect my memory and cognitive function. It's impossible to say how it would effect me if I need to have those treatments for the rest of my life (in the beginning 3 times per week, until I'm mentally stable again, and then once or twice per month for maintenance).
I really don't want to have to go through that again! It scared me that I suddenly started to write letters backwards and couldn't recognize people I'd spend significant time with. Like my doctor.
All in all, I'm feeling really sad and scared and like I've failed at life.

"I believe that while not all people are essentially good, most are trying" - Adam Savage
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28-03-2017, 09:46 AM
RE: My stupid brain is never giving me a break
Sad Wow. That's heavy, LadyDay Sad

I'm sorry you have to deal with this... Do you know what about the job made you anxious, or was it just sort of... like you just felt uneasy for no identifiable reason?

Hug

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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28-03-2017, 09:58 AM
RE: My stupid brain is never giving me a break
(28-03-2017 09:46 AM)morondog Wrote:  Sad Wow. That's heavy, LadyDay Sad

I'm sorry you have to deal with this... Do you know what about the job made you anxious, or was it just sort of... like you just felt uneasy for no identifiable reason?

Hug

It's nothing in particular about this job. This job itself was awesome and I loved it. It's just something with the disease making life extremely hard to handle. Like, all I've managed today is to have a shower and put on clothes. Both were a marathon and left me in pieces. I've not been able to leave the apartment for several days. It's horrible lately. And when even tiny little daily things you have to do take all the energy you have, going to work is way out of what you can do.
Fortunately it's been better for quite a while, I've been able to function, even to see friends and such. But going to work has slowly drained me more and more, and now I'm back to this horrible place.
At least I have my wonderful boyfriend. He helps me get by and gives me hope. But naturally he can't be with me all the time. He has to work. And I'm also quite an introvert, so I need a lot of time alone. But then when it's not going well, it's good to have nice internet people to talk to Smile

"I believe that while not all people are essentially good, most are trying" - Adam Savage
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28-03-2017, 10:01 AM
RE: My stupid brain is never giving me a break
Does your country use TMS or tDCS? There is clinical evidence they are useful for treatment resistant MDD.

(28-03-2017 09:39 AM)LadyDay Wrote:  All in all, I'm feeling really sad and scared and like I've failed at life.

There is no fail, there is only be. - Yodabob Big Grin

There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. -Camus
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28-03-2017, 10:04 AM (This post was last modified: 28-03-2017 10:11 AM by LadyDay.)
RE: My stupid brain is never giving me a break
(28-03-2017 10:01 AM)GirlyMan Wrote:  Does your country use TMS or tDCS? There is clinical evidence they are useful for treatment resistant MDD.

(28-03-2017 09:39 AM)LadyDay Wrote:  All in all, I'm feeling really sad and scared and like I've failed at life.

There is no fail, there is only be. - Yodabob Big Grin

I've tried TMS with no result.
My psychiatrist tried to get me in on a trial study for the development of the Pulsed Magnetic Field Therapy, but I didn't get in because I've been sick for too long (since I was a child). Hopefully this treatment will be available to try on more than two experimental patients in half a year or so, then we'll give that a try.

"I believe that while not all people are essentially good, most are trying" - Adam Savage
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28-03-2017, 10:07 AM
RE: My stupid brain is never giving me a break
(28-03-2017 10:04 AM)LadyDay Wrote:  
(28-03-2017 10:01 AM)GirlyMan Wrote:  Does your country use TMS or tDCS? There is clinical evidence they are useful for treatment resistant MDD.


There is no fail, there is only be. - Yodabob Big Grin

I've tried those with no result.

Do they have clinical trials in your country for experimental treatments?

There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. -Camus
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28-03-2017, 10:12 AM
RE: My stupid brain is never giving me a break
(28-03-2017 09:39 AM)LadyDay Wrote:  All in all, I'm feeling really sad and scared and like I've failed at life.

Well, if you can't go back to work, just think of it as if you've retired early. Believe me, a lot of people would love to retire early.
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28-03-2017, 10:20 AM (This post was last modified: 28-03-2017 10:26 AM by LadyDay.)
RE: My stupid brain is never giving me a break
(28-03-2017 10:07 AM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(28-03-2017 10:04 AM)LadyDay Wrote:  I've tried those with no result.

Do they have clinical trials in your country for experimental treatments?

Of course Smile
I'm on one medicine wise, and my psychiatrist tried to get me in on a trial of the Pulsed Electromagnetic Field Therapy recently. Unfortunately they only have equipment for two patients in this part of the country and I could not be one of the patients because I've been sick for too long (20 years. Since I was a child.) Hopefully it'll be wider available in half a years time. Then I'll get to try it. *fingers crossed*

"I believe that while not all people are essentially good, most are trying" - Adam Savage
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28-03-2017, 10:25 AM
RE: My stupid brain is never giving me a break
(28-03-2017 10:12 AM)Jay Vogelsong Wrote:  
(28-03-2017 09:39 AM)LadyDay Wrote:  All in all, I'm feeling really sad and scared and like I've failed at life.

Well, if you can't go back to work, just think of it as if you've retired early. Believe me, a lot of people would love to retire early.

Well, I do get all the time I want to spend on hobbies. And I have Netflix. Big Grin
Retiring at 30 seems rather a lot early though.

"I believe that while not all people are essentially good, most are trying" - Adam Savage
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28-03-2017, 10:26 AM
RE: My stupid brain is never giving me a break
(28-03-2017 10:12 AM)Jay Vogelsong Wrote:  
(28-03-2017 09:39 AM)LadyDay Wrote:  All in all, I'm feeling really sad and scared and like I've failed at life.

Well, if you can't go back to work, just think of it as if you've retired early. Believe me, a lot of people would love to retire early.

Not under circumstances that would prevent them from fully enjoying retirement...

You haven't failed LadyDay Heart You've been a warrior, fighting so hard to do your work- to live your life. You'll continue to fight hard every day that you have the spoons for it. Maybe look at the success as being in the struggle any time you can, and not as the achievement of a distant goal?

You're a good person with a wonderfully kind heart. I'm glad you're here and sharing your time with your internet friends. Hug
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