My theist wife
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17-03-2015, 11:20 PM
My theist wife
My situation is perhaps unique:
My wife is a protestant theist and I am an atheist. I am British and she is Japanese. We live in a country where Christians only make up 1% of the population. Did I strike it unlucky? no. When she isn't talking about her God then she is the only person on the planet for me. But when she brings up her god (and I won't say I don't bring it up either) we become worst enemies.
I question her belief and often say that her God doesn't exist so "why should I care" but then she spends money we don't have on train tickets in order for her to go and pray with a load of other delusional people.
We are tight on money right now and even $8 (800yen - her train ticket to and from church) is important to us so I am trying to persuade her not to attend church for the sake of something that will actually help our lives. She insists that church is helping us and that if I continue to question her faith then she will request a divorce. I don't want to lose her so what choices do I have? Just watch as 8$ a day goes on train tickets to a prayer event that will result in nothing at all? Do I try to convince her that no God exists?
When her cousin passed away recently she spent over 3000$ on a psychic in Ehime (matsuyama) japan to try and communicate with him and at that time threatened me too with divorce if I didn't understand.
I love my wife but I hate religious people and my wife is religious.
I feel like im trapped and in a cage here.
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18-03-2015, 06:33 PM
RE: My theist wife
Wow. That is terrible. This is about all I have to offer Hug

"If we are honest—and scientists have to be—we must admit that religion is a jumble of false assertions, with no basis in reality.
The very idea of God is a product of the human imagination."
- Paul Dirac
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18-03-2015, 07:30 PM
RE: My theist wife
Consider


divorce is looking like the better option.


you say you love her.

on the other hand, she doesnt sound like she values the relationship as much as you. She threatens to throw it away if she doesnt get her way. Marriages are about teamwork. Working together on shared goals.


I say ditch her.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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18-03-2015, 08:18 PM
RE: My theist wife
I'm sorry to have to say it but I agree with Bows. But all is not lost... yet.

Marriage is a single-source contract with a strategic supplier (unless multi-sourcing options have been agreed during the negotiation and selection process).

A strategic relationship involves having a common vision, sharing confidential information, joint financial decisions etc.

It is entirely possible for both partners to have differing views regarding what is i.e. their perspective on reality. But to be successful, and by definition of the word 'strategic', there needs to consensus on what ought to be.

Your processes relating to the ought position are not working ... specifically, in this case, your budgeting process.

The reason why there is disagreement on where the budget goes relates to calculation of ROI (return on investment) and the perceived value (benefits realised at acceptable risk within resource constraints).

Good governance is about getting the balance right between Benefits Realisation vs. Risk Optimisation vs. Resource Optimisation.

It strikes me that your conversations so far have been regarding:
a) Benefits Realisation (she thinks there is a heavenly reward and you only realise the benefit of her being happy / less stressed)
b) Resource Optimisation (i.e. the conversation about where the limited funds should go).

So, I suggest that you focus the conversation more towards Risk Optimisation... Assets x Threats x Vulnerabilities.

If you can't have a reasonable conversation about this, then... walk.

Good luck.

Hug

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19-03-2015, 06:53 AM
RE: My theist wife
When she says to you. " do ____ or I will divorce you"

what is your reply?






do you say. " no,no. no, don't divorce"


or do you say "Ive been beginning to think that might be a good idea"


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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19-03-2015, 08:17 AM
RE: My theist wife
Man that's a sucky situation. Sorry to hear you're having such trouble.

While I did read your post, and I understand that you love her, I am, unfortunately, on the side of some of the other posters. A marriage has to be a two-way street, and it sounds like she is in love with her religion more than your relationship.

Honestly you guys need to sit down and talk about what your difference in religion means for you as a couple. Not about who is right, or debating about religion, but I mean, if it gets in the way and causes talks about divorce now, what's going to happen if you have kids? How will they be raised? How will your finances continue if she's going to insist on spending money traveling/tithing to a church that you don't agree with? How much longer can you afford to, both financially and psychologically, let her have her way with the money that should be supporting your family?

It sucks, but if her religion means more to her than your relationship, then its just going to hurt over and over. This kind of stuff will just keep happening and you'll both just become miserable.

Keep us updated, best of luck.
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19-03-2015, 07:51 PM (This post was last modified: 19-03-2015 07:55 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: My theist wife
ManlyGirl is a good Catholic girl. GirlyMan is a heathen and infidel. Whenever we discuss metaphysics it ends with her saying "You're going to Hell fatboy." and me ripping her Catholic school girl uniform off her. We been doing this for about 35 years now. It never gets old.

#sigh
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19-03-2015, 08:39 PM
RE: My theist wife
(19-03-2015 07:51 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  ManlyGirl is a good Catholic girl. GirlyMan is a heathen and infidel. Whenever we discuss metaphysics it ends with her saying "You're going to Hell fatboy." and me ripping her Catholic school girl uniform off her. We been doing this for about 35 years now. It never gets old.

Every time I read your posts girly, I always do it in the voice of Arnold. I can't do it any other way.

"If we are honest—and scientists have to be—we must admit that religion is a jumble of false assertions, with no basis in reality.
The very idea of God is a product of the human imagination."
- Paul Dirac
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20-03-2015, 07:34 AM
RE: My theist wife
I, like you, do not believe in god, but for your wife and people like her, it is very important. Add to that religious privilege and you can get some pretty inflexible stances. If you want this to work out, you will have to try to work with her. Maybe encouraging her to have a prayer group at your house instead of going to church, or her getting a job or second job to pay for those expenses if she really wants to go to church. These are reasonable compromises.

With that said, the threats of divorce really strike me as emotional blackmail, as if she is doing you a favor by being married to you. I have a hard time seeing past that. I truly wish you the best.
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20-03-2015, 08:51 AM
RE: My theist wife
My wife and I don't even jokingly say the word divorce so for your wife to threaten you with it everytime she doesn't get her way is a big red flag. Unfortunately I am having a hard seeing any other paths that don't lead to a divorce. I wish I had something more insightful and profound but unless she get a job or second job and stops threating divorce I don't see this ending well.

Who are we? We find that we live on an insignificant planet of a humdrum star lost in a galaxy tucked away in some forgotten corner of a universe in which there are far more galaxies than people.

-Carl Sagan
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