My wife delusion...
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19-06-2015, 08:00 AM
RE: My wife delusion...
Sorry mate but you chose poorly.

Divorce her and begin anew. As long as you whine about this shit you get nothing but contempt from me. Life is too short. Tomorrow you could get cancer.

Man up and fuck off.

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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19-06-2015, 08:05 AM
RE: My wife delusion...
Warning Banjo is not entirely sober.

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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19-06-2015, 08:17 AM
RE: My wife delusion...
(19-06-2015 07:56 AM)Tonechaser77 Wrote:  
(18-06-2015 11:02 PM)ThatAtheistChick Wrote:  May I suggest that you steer the conversation in an entirely different direction? Is the rest of your marriage good? If so, focus on how you two can make it work even with your differences. I am new here so I don't know your backstory. Has she said she will leave you if you don't return to the faith? Do you want to leave her because of her faith? It sounds to me like she is afraid - that you both are. My husband deconverted with me but I have become much more liberal politically while he is still very conservative. We have some very heated discussions about politics but I am learning that our marriage is bigger than politics and we can be okay even when we are not like-minded. I had an abusive first marriage and even after seven years my husband is still teaching me that he is safe. Is she afraid that you are going to turn on her? I know I was afraid that my marriage wasn't going to survive my deconversion but he is my best friend and that is continuing to be reinforced. You can, through your actions, counter what she is being taught and show her that atheist does not equal immoral jackass.

Yes, the rest of our marriage is good. We've been together 10 years and married for 8. In fact this weekend is our anniversary. It only seems to wheel off course when religion is brought up so I keep it to a minimum. I still attend church with her and the kids. I still play on the church's worship team. Ya, it's crazy I know. I'm not sure how long that will last. At some point she is going to need to come to grips with the fact that I will probably stop attending church and will have a discussion with our kids when they are old enough.

She is scared. She has told me that. She is scared for the exact reasons Jenny mentioned. The double edged sword with my wife is that she is willfully ignorant about an extraordinary amount of things. She goes to work, she comes home and cares for our kids (very well I might add) she goes to church on Sunday. This is her life. She doesn't want more. She is completely satisfied with that. She doesn't want to learn. She doesn't want to grow. Other than attending church and having a blind faith that god is real, jesus died for her sins which saved her, she knows nothing about christianity. She has never studied the bible, because she is comfortable exactly where she is. The good that comes out of that for me is that I can continue to soak my kids in science, logic and reason. We go to museums, we watch cosmos videos, we talk about science and how things work. That way when they are older, there may be some cognitive dissonance and they will come to dad because mom won't know the answers. She never bothered to learn.

I am scared in the fact that I have a great marriage in every other arena and I don't want that to end. I have stated on here before, my parents divorced when I was three. I don't want to be the dad who only sees his kids on the weekends or on one week, off the next. However, I am slowly but surely realizing that I may have to travel down this road....at some point in the future. I am trying to accept that without giving up the fight in the interim. Smile

If you want more background about me in general, check my bio in my profile. That will help round out where I came from.

Communication communication communication.

It sounds like your family and the church is your wife's entire world. I still think she is just plain terrified. This is going to sound strange but I don't think religion is the issue. Religion is the trigger. Fear of the unknown is the issue.

I'm a fourth generation atheist. (I was the black sheep who became a Christian.) My grandparents took my mother to church every Sunday until she was 18 when they told her they were atheists and it was her decision. It isn't strange that you still go to church. I know from the web that there are atheist pastors who choose to stay in the pulpit. Maybe that is what works for your family. Church plus science and reason.
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19-06-2015, 08:25 AM
RE: My wife delusion...
I just reread your post. Yep, fear. Duh.

I guess what I was trying to say is leave the reasons why you stopped believing out of the conversation because that is not the issue. The issue is how this affects your relationship. The conversation needs to be about your marriage, not about religion. There is no reason to destroy a beautiful life. This is marriage. Working through the crap.
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19-06-2015, 09:14 AM
RE: My wife delusion...
I gave up on our marriage after he did. He gave up last fall. I conceded defeat in December.

It's not really defeat, though, is it? It's moving on. Plenty of fish in the sea, life's too short to stay miserable. Our 9th wedding anniversary is next month - the divorce won't be finalized legally, but the marriage has been over since January.

We tried the not talking about religion tactic. Didn't work. Just pushed us farther apart and that's the last thing we needed. Not to say that it won't for you...but you don't strike me as the type of person that wants to spend his life tiptoeing on eggshells. That life sucks.


Her comment about not being together when you're 70...you need to be direct with her. Is she really starting to picture her life without you? I'm not your wife and everyone is different - but I used to say things like that quietly with it being EXACTLY what I was thinking, but too chicken shit to say it outright (when I grew a backbone and said exactly what was on my mind instead of tiptoeing, it broke down the marriage even more - he no longer controlled me and I was no longer afraid of his reaction). Y'all reaaaalllly need to have a conversation about this - just be prepared that you may not like what you hear. Don't drag this out - much better to rip that bandaid off than pull it slowly.


It hasn't been easy, but I'm actually coming out better off without him.

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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19-06-2015, 09:25 AM
RE: My wife delusion...
(19-06-2015 08:00 AM)Banjo Wrote:  Sorry mate but you chose poorly.

Divorce her and begin anew. As long as you whine about this shit you get nothing but contempt from me. Life is too short. Tomorrow you could get cancer.

Man up and fuck off.

(19-06-2015 08:05 AM)Banjo Wrote:  Warning Banjo is not entirely sober.


Dude, it's fine. You are entitled to your opinion. And guess what, you're also entitled to voice that opinion. That's partly why I unload. A.) to feel better B.) to hear what others have to say about my situation.

You can show contempt if you want. That's your prerogative. It's a shitty one but you don't give a damn, and frankly I don't either. This is still my wife and I still love her so until I feel the situation is completely hopeless for me, I will not give up. Everyone has different breaking points. Tomorrow I could get cancer...(and yes, I'm aware, in part, of your situation) I'd have to accept whatever outcome would occur. Death or Life. I have to accept whatever outcome occurs with my wife. But I don't give up at the first sign of struggle. If I did I would be a fucking coward.

When we are experiencing negative feelings and emotions, such as anger or fear, we may deem it necessary to express such feelings so as not to experience them alone. Expressing these feelings to someone by talking with them in a calm and rational manner can be very helpful and can actually greatly contribute to our letting go of such feelings. As the saying goes, “a problem shared is a problem lessened.” Just by letting someone else know of our feelings, we may experience release from them and perhaps the person with whom we are talking, will say something that helps us to feel better as well. When we are spinning thoughts around in our own minds, all we will get in return are our own thoughts.

**Crickets** -- God
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19-06-2015, 10:03 AM
RE: My wife delusion...
(19-06-2015 07:56 AM)Tonechaser77 Wrote:  She is scared. She has told me that. She is scared for the exact reasons Jenny mentioned. The double edged sword with my wife is that she is willfully ignorant about an extraordinary amount of things. She goes to work, she comes home and cares for our kids (very well I might add) she goes to church on Sunday. This is her life. She doesn't want more. She is completely satisfied with that. She doesn't want to learn. She doesn't want to grow. Other than attending church and having a blind faith that god is real, jesus died for her sins which saved her, she knows nothing about christianity. She has never studied the bible, because she is comfortable exactly where she is. The good that comes out of that for me is that I can continue to soak my kids in science, logic and reason. We go to museums, we watch cosmos videos, we talk about science and how things work. .

Wow. Did we marry the same woman? Mine attends bible studies (loaded ones of course) but other than that, you described her perfectly. Is she a brunette as well?

In all seriousness though, I agree with Nurse, I think you need to know what she meant by that statement ASAP. I can't imagine how painful that felt hearing her say that but I think you owe it to yourself and your kids to know what she means by that. The way I see it, dragging it out longer won't do much except hurt the kids.

"If we are honest—and scientists have to be—we must admit that religion is a jumble of false assertions, with no basis in reality.
The very idea of God is a product of the human imagination."
- Paul Dirac
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19-06-2015, 12:30 PM
RE: My wife delusion...
I am married to a believer, we make it work because we are ok with the other person not agreeing with us on everything. Like someone else mentioned politics with their spouse, our votes probably cancel each others out. As for the kids, the onus is on the parent that it matters the most to. If we want the kids to learn something in particular then we teach it.

we know and trust each other enough to know that the other makes wise day to day choices, that we are working as a team for the betterment of our family.

we are both very respectful to each others feelings regarding beliefs. I don't go pointing out errors in the faith of his logic and I don't go spouting off about how right I am. And he is the same. His faith is his business, not mine. And my non- belief is my business. We do a fair amount of avoiding the topic but we also ask questions and don't get all snarky about answers.

its a matter if we arent looking to prove ourselves right, and we arent trying to win. we are just doing our own thing.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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19-06-2015, 04:27 PM
RE: My wife delusion...
I agree with Chemist. You need to find out what she meant. Who knows she might feel for some reason that because you are an atheist and don't hold morals that you would be more prone to cheating? Or maybe that you might not love her the same?Who knows. We all know that relationships can be complicated and that we sometimes over-think things.

So I think you should figure that out first and then reassess your options. But I will say that there will be two choices. Fix it or leave. Only you will know what's best for you and yours. Hope it works out.
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19-06-2015, 05:06 PM
RE: My wife delusion...
its a Dr Phil moment....

"Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?"



I choose happy. YMMV.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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