Need Y'alls Help
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15-04-2014, 11:53 AM
Need Y'alls Help
So I got everything together to get Medicaid help for the wife to stay at a assisted care facility... Now the problem is that we cant force her to go if she doesnt want to, which is questionable right now, although she does like the Hospice House for respite care, but says its boring. HH is basically 95% people with 2 weeks left to live and some beds for respite care.

Assisted living facility will have activities and the people there dont have one foot in the grave yet. So theres that.... but I really dont want to put things in that light to my wife.

The social worker from Hospice will be talking to her also, and is a good egg, but I will also need to do some convincing.

So, what I need is some ideas to make this sound good to her.... other than just a chance to get away from me. Blush

If bullshit were music some people would be a brass band.
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15-04-2014, 12:01 PM
RE: Need Y'alls Help
I would talk with her about how you are not qualified to help her. That you are not able to be watching her 24/7 to make sure she doesn't flood the house while you are asleep. That you simply aren't Superman and can't take care of all her needs and still take care of yourself. She loves you and wants you to be happy and healthy. No one wants to be a burden.

That said, maybe agree to weekend overnight visits, so that it's not that she is getting shipped off, and you still have time together, but you also get space. You can still go out to the movies or dinner or whatever, but it takes a big burden off you and she still receives the care that she needs. And the activities will help keep her entertained when you aren't available.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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15-04-2014, 12:11 PM (This post was last modified: 15-04-2014 07:57 PM by Losty.)
RE: Need Y'alls Help
I don't really know a lot about this kind of stuff, but I really like BandA's advice. I will just give hugs Hug Hug
I'm around to listen if you want to talk about it.

Swing with me a while, we can listen to the birds call, we can keep each other warm.
Swing with me forever, we can count up every flower, we can weather every storm.
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15-04-2014, 12:21 PM
RE: Need Y'alls Help
Does she have 'good days' and 'bad days'? Is she lucid enough sometimes to reason with?

If she is, I would make it 100% about her and why she should go, and I'd have the conversation on a good day or in a good moment. I would let her know how it's a safety and health issue. Also, her quality of life will go up. I think there would probably be some fear for this change and I'd try to ease those feelings and make the transition sound as comfortable as possible. I wouldn't push, and I'd hear what she says about it and then I would suggest why the new place would be great (like you said, activities, friends, good meals, people looking out for her wellbeing, etc). I'd also say how you'd be with her during the process and after as well, and how much you will continue loving her, etc so that she doesn't feel like she is losing you as well. At least, that's how I'd like to feel in her shoes.

Tough time, but sounds like a good move for you both WH. Hug
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15-04-2014, 12:31 PM
RE: Need Y'alls Help
I had some other thoughts......weird how ideas seem to hit me in the shower....Blush


I used to work in long term care with elderly, and the biggest fear/worry was that they were just dumped there and then their family goes on...gets busy, makes plans, and they see those they love less and less. And its heartbreaking and for many true. Its boring as fuck to sit around a nursing home. So if you can, take her out to eat, etc.

So if I were you, I would make plans to see her on a regular basis. Dessert every night, movies on Wednesday....something that she can count on.

Think of it as two teenagers dating in a weird sense. You sleep at different houses, love each other, and hang out together often, but have separate lives too.

Sending Heart and Hug I know this isn't easy for either of you.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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15-04-2014, 12:34 PM
RE: Need Y'alls Help
Good advice, I'm just too close to the situation to think this out in a rational way.

The love is gone from the relationship, and some days I swear she wants me dead or gone because I'm like that annoying parent thats always bitching about the crazy things she does.

Obviously shes not the women I married, and we barely spend any time together other then when I come in and eat dinner.

The truth is that I'm dead worn out from all this time dealing with her and need my life to move on.

Please keep the ideas flowing, theres some good thinkers in here. Wink

If bullshit were music some people would be a brass band.
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15-04-2014, 12:47 PM
RE: Need Y'alls Help
My son in law's grandmother was recently moved from her little apartment and into an assisted living facility and she loves it! There are activities and people to talk to and she knew her health was such that she was afraid to do a lot of things around her place, like cooking. It worried her to death that she would forget and leave a burner on so she had pretty much stopped cooking and therefore was only eating microwave foods, if she ate at all. Her daughter works and is the only family near so granny spent an unhealthy amount of time alone in her tiny apartment where she sometimes got sick or fell and no one knew about it till much later. Her daughter still sees her regularly and was even taking her to her church till she found she liked being in services with the other residents better. A win/win for everyone.

When my dad was getting bad he didn't want to go to a facility and it got to the point where his lady friend was an exhausted ball of nerves. She went way, way above and beyond to try to keep him in his home. But one night he had a stroke and fell and there was no way for her to get him back up. After that there was no more choice to be made, us kids were hours and hours away. He couldn't be alone any more and Phyllis was giving up her whole life and spending no time in her own home or with her own family.

Play up the benefits...for both of you. And set up a time when you will go see her.

It sounds like this has gone beyond what you can or should handle. Flooding the kitchen was one thing. Deciding to make something to eat and starting a fire or wandering out of the house is something different.

Glad you are making headway with getting some assistance.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
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15-04-2014, 01:02 PM
RE: Need Y'alls Help
Thought of something else...

...and no I wasn't in the shower with Bows, Tongue

Going to kind of a day care setting like you wife does now probably is boring.

With granny, as I referenced earlier, being with the same people has allowed her to make new friends. There are activities and trips like you mentioned - so things to look forward to. And my daughter, son in law, and his mother went out and got some things to fix up Granny's room. Her favorite color and things they knew she would like or that she specifically asked for. Instead of being 'away from home' for a time, she made her own little home there.

I think there would be a big difference in the situation then for your wife. She would probably get more comfortable with a more permanent place.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
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15-04-2014, 01:04 PM
RE: Need Y'alls Help
Just be careful putting her in a home.

Not all homes are created equal, and many are very good at putting on a "show" for possible new clients.

Ive seen it several times.

Show up unexpected and ask for a tour then and there, ask about how the money is spent that is brought into the center (for example when I was activity director for an Alzheimer care unit I had a budget of 40 bucks to entertain 18 people for a month....oh, I should mention each person paid around 3000 dollars a month in rent)

I know you're trying to get her out and move on, but trust me, its worth taking the time to make sure that quality is there.

-edit- if you ever want to hear about some shoddy care practices as well, I could tell you stories.
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15-04-2014, 01:21 PM
RE: Need Y'alls Help
@ Anj and Hobbit, I've looked into some around here and basically it comes down to who will accept Medicaid co-pay.

I dont mean to sound cold about the whole thing, but over 2 years of this on my back has taken its toll. I cant do it anymore, plus she's deteriorated so badly that doing anything is impossible for her, and when she tries, it turns into a holy mess...that befalls on me yet again to make right.

I cant go on this way, my own thinking process is going to hell , I cant get a good nights sleep and I'm constantly stressed to the max. Its time to do something drastic.

If bullshit were music some people would be a brass band.
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