Need Y'alls Help
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25-04-2014, 06:11 AM
RE: Need Y'alls Help
(25-04-2014 06:04 AM)War Horse Wrote:  
(25-04-2014 05:56 AM)wazzel Wrote:  It is going to take some adjustnig. I suspect you both miss her and feel guity for putting her in the care facility. Things will get better. Go spend some time with her and let her know you still love her. Make seeing her everyday part of your routine.

Well, the staff told me to wait a few days before I come to see her again.

The problem is that she's been getting quite hateful towards me in the last few months, so I'm not even sure she wants to see me right now. Confused

That does make things tougher. I think you should take the suggestion as just that and do what you feel is best for your wife and you. You know her better than they do.

I doubt she was actually hateful becasue of you. I suspect she was lashing out in frustration with her situation at you. It does not feel any different on the recieving end. People often take out their frustrations on their loved ones, because they do not know what else to do with the anger.
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25-04-2014, 09:11 AM
RE: Need Y'alls Help
War Horse,
My heart hurts for you and for your wife.

Maybe this is a good time to be busy. Are there projects around the house that have be put aside while you have been tied up with care? Get your mind focused on something on something else. Make your brain focus on anything other than the situation for a while. If there is a home project, get to work figuring it out, getting the stuff you need and getting to work on it. Blare music while you do it.

Not as a way to forget but as a way to redirect your thoughts and energies.

It's all a big change in your life. What has taken up so much or your time and your thoughts is now taken care of. You have that time and mental energy to spare.

Just a thought...hugs and love. Give yourself time to sort everything out in your head.

A

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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25-04-2014, 09:32 AM
RE: Need Y'alls Help
Just great.. the wife called a while ago crying and wants me to ger her the hell out of there Sad , I've got her sisiter going to see her and see if she can talk her down, tho, I know my wife and she'll make everyone miserable.

FFS, like shit wasnt hard enough, and now this.

All this paperwork and money, not to mention an easier bit of life for me....... crap ! I dont want her to be unhappy...... but..... what to do?

If bullshit were music some people would be a brass band.
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25-04-2014, 09:34 AM
RE: Need Y'alls Help
It's been one day. It's a big, big change.

The staff knows what they are talking about. You have to give her time to adjust. You have to give you time to adjust.

Take a breath...you have done everything you can at home. That ship has sailed.

Take another breath. Call the facility, ask them what to do, they have dealt with this before...

More hugs.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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25-04-2014, 10:10 AM
RE: Need Y'alls Help
OK.... the sister talked her down, and she agreed to try it for at least a week.

Her biggest problem is that she's not getting waited on hand and foot, that was more than likely my fault, as I pretty much provided what she wanted and when, mostly food and drinks.

So a bit of reliefe for now, and hopefully she will acclimate and like it better.

Jeesh.... whata soap opera. Blink

If bullshit were music some people would be a brass band.
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25-04-2014, 10:12 AM
RE: Need Y'alls Help
Just remember that this is an adjustment for you both.

Breathe and give it some time.

Take care of you for a while.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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25-04-2014, 10:18 AM
RE: Need Y'alls Help
when I worked in that setting, there were people who wanted and tried to leave all day , every day.

Much of it is dementia....they don't know where they are, they have forgotten why they are there, they lose it--daily. Its heart breaking--but true.

Sometimes a posterboard on the wall near the bed, written in your hand writing that she recognizes helps. A photo of you, her and sister. with simple reminders.
-this is where you live
- I will visit you at x time on x day
- sister will visit at x time on x day
-you live here because - I couldn't take care of you at home.



This is the hard part---you can't properly care for her physical needs. This is fact.
The next best thing is to be placed somewhere that can care for her.

repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat.

you don't have a 'good' option here. Loads of bad choices, but no good ones.

your only choice is in the facility where she receives the care, and even then you might not have much of an option.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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25-04-2014, 10:21 AM
RE: Need Y'alls Help
She will learn the routine there, and when they get to know her a bit better personally, they will be better to anticipate what she wants and when.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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25-04-2014, 10:26 AM
RE: Need Y'alls Help
also, keep in mind, this is her home, and if she wants a soda at 6pm and the kitchen is closed, you CAN make arrangements for her to get it.

So while the facility has their way of doing things, they also have to abide that it is considered a person's residence and they get a say in the way they live life.

We had residents that had their own stash of ice cream in the freezer that the family would bring in that person liked to have a sundae before bed while watching the news.

If she had a favorite photo or other decor or some other comfort item, just be sure to tag it with her name and bring it in.

little things can provide great comfort and make a place feel like home.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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25-04-2014, 10:33 AM
RE: Need Y'alls Help
Yes. Remind the staff that she is paying to be there. They can do certain things for her if you arrange it.

Give it time. Especially with someone with dementia it takes time to settle in. Remember her short term isnt working right, and it takes time for the new environment to settle in. (and to be honest she may never be 100 percent comfortable) But I promise it gets better.

You have to listen to the staff though in that you HAVE to wait a while before you go see her. If you come every time she calls crying she'll figure out that it works. Once you've given it a couple weeks then arrange times with her that you will visit.

Also, like I said before. Pop in unexpectedly, sometimes. Just to see what the staff are up to. Trust me on that.
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