Need some sage advice
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01-03-2017, 06:14 AM
RE: Need some sage advice
(01-03-2017 05:42 AM)The Drake Wrote:  
(01-03-2017 01:52 AM)SYZ Wrote:  [My comments assume that you'll be getting married in the near future. If not, please ignore.]

Okay. From my solely personal point of view, I'd never marry(?) someone more than young enough to be my daughter. It's not so much the numerical age difference as the generational difference. In the vast majority of other relationship scenarios, most parents either have no interest in their children's activities and interests, and/or oftentimes have a diametrically opposed viewpoint on morals and ethics, world affairs, cultural pastimes, political values, ecology and environment, the arts and philosophy etc. Are you both happy to bridge that inevitable gap?

Another obvious disadvantage is not so much her age, but your age. When she's still a relatively active and healthy 60-year-old, then you're gonna be 88 years of age. And there's no way you're gonna be able to keep up with her—whether due to lack of interest in her activities or a decline in your own physical/mental abilities. And you have to be realistic with this.

The mere fact of your posting this question also raises some concerns from my perspective. Why are you even slightly unsure of all this? Why are you in "need" of our opinions—as complete strangers? Why are you so uneasy about the acceptance (or lack thereof) from your friends and family? You claim to be totally confident with your relationship status, but..... here you are asking questions. Something doesn't quite gel.

There's an interesting article (about May-December marriages) from Slate here: http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/cultu...e_gap.html

Whatever, I wish you both the very best of happiness for the future. Thumbsup

Like I said to Moms...No assumptions, but considerations. We've talked about the (old) age thing and it really is a numbers game. The generational gap has not been an issue as that is slightly blurred for both of us, but our physical age difference has come up. The odds are not in my favor, but then again I've known a few people who've outlived their partners by 20+ years (unfortunately it's usually the woman).

We are uneasy about the acceptance from friends/family because we value those people in our lives. We are very sure in our feelings for each other and want to share that happiness with them. More perspective is always good, and sometimes even better when coming from complete strangers (they can be more honest sometimes in a way that friends/family can't or won't). That's why I asked.

Thank you for the well wishes.

Here's the way I see it. Life is too short to worry about what others think. Yes I know you wish to have acceptance from all of those close to you and completely understand. But if both of you are happy in the relationship and have no issue with the age difference than that is all that matters. My wife is six years younger (admittedly not a huge difference) and I was 30 when we were married. We've been married for going on 17 years now.

Putting your heart out there (no matter the age) is a very vulnerable situation for both. Finding someone that you can spend the rest of your life with is something that a lot of us desire. I wasn't actively looking for a wife after my first marriage dissolved after four years. If I'm honest I didn't really ever want to get married again. But then I met my current wife and she (for lack of better words) stole my heart.

My wish for you is: find the happiness in your life, be happy with your decisions, and live your life to the fullest. We are not guaranteed tomorrow so make the most of what time we have. Don't worry about what others think.

I get to decide what my life looks like, not the other way around.
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01-03-2017, 06:25 AM
RE: Need some sage advice
Sounds like you really have thought this through, its really unfortunate that the trophy wife culture amongst the rich and famous ( I believe) has spawned such deep derision for regular folks engaged in a large age gap relationships. I genuinely wish you both the very very best for your future together.
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01-03-2017, 06:31 AM (This post was last modified: 01-03-2017 06:41 AM by jennybee.)
RE: Need some sage advice
(01-03-2017 12:23 AM)The Drake Wrote:  
(28-02-2017 11:49 PM)jennybee Wrote:  You can't live your lives for your friends and family. I'm sure they do things that you don't always agree with. If people decide to end friendships over this, they weren't your friends to begin with. I understand family may be a bit more difficult. But we get one life and if you are lucky enough to find someone amazing to spend it with, don't let them slip through your fingers out of fear of other people's opinions.

True...however, we may not have to live FOR them, but we do have to live WITH them. Both of us value our friends and family very highly. And at times it seems there is this constant need to prove our relationship to them...to the point that sometimes we question it ourselves...that's the tough part.

I think you have to weigh what's more important to the both of you-being with each other or winning friends and family approval.

The only other thing I could suggest is echoing Rob's point about sitting down with all of them individually and explaining to them how they are making you feel.
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01-03-2017, 08:45 AM
RE: Need some sage advice
Do what makes both of you happy. One more item to consider is whether you contemplate children together. Make sure that you both of you have a clear idea on that topic not only on the decision to have children but what will life be like when the child is 12, 17, 25 and where you'll be.

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored- Aldous Huxley
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01-03-2017, 10:21 AM
RE: Need some sage advice
When I was 21 I was in a relationship with someone who was 24 years older than I was. His male friends were very happy for him and always giving him a wink and a nod at his good luck for having a girlfriend who was young enough to be his daughter. They thought I was great and I got along with his buddies. His female co-workers hated me, just despised me. I was their worst nightmare.

He had children from a previous marriage and an x wife. One time she came over to talk about the divorce and financial matters and I had to quickly hide under the bed because had she known I was there she would have had a fit.

Well, now I'm the age my boyfriend was when I was dating him and I realize how ridiculous I was to get caught up in the relationship. I wanted children and he was somewhat willing to have another batch of kids but made it clear that he wasn't going to do any more diaper changing. So the child rearing was going to be all my responsibility.

When we went anywhere everyone thought we were father and daughter. That bothered me a lot.

And then there was the sex problem. Our sex life was ok but his erections were not exactly anything to write home about. I saw no happy future with him and got out of the relationship. After we broke up his male buddies came knocking on my door wanting to date me. Geez. Rolleyes A year later I dated a guy my own age and the sex was amazing. I finally realized what I was missing. There's something to be said for 22 year old male erections. Yes, there is.

This was a crazy time in my life and I look back on it with a lot of puzzlement. What the hell was I even thinking.

But having said all that, every relationship is different and the scenario and personalities involved are never the same. Do what you think will work for the both of you. Take it slow. Learn what the pitfalls may be an be honest with her about your misgivings.

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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01-03-2017, 10:38 AM
RE: Need some sage advice
(01-03-2017 10:21 AM)dancefortwo Wrote:  When I was 21 I was in a relationship with someone who was 24 years older than I was. His male friends were very happy for him and always giving him a wink and a nod at his good luck for having a girlfriend who was young enough to be his daughter. They thought I was great and I got along with his buddies. His female co-workers hated me, just despised me. I was their worst nightmare.

He had children from a previous marriage and an x wife. One time she came over to talk about the divorce and financial matters and I had to quickly hide under the bed because had she known I was there she would have had a fit.

Well, now I'm the age my boyfriend was when I was dating him and I realize how ridiculous I was to get caught up in the relationship. I wanted children and he was somewhat willing to have another batch of kids but made it clear that he wasn't going to do any more diaper changing. So the child rearing was going to be all my responsibility.

When we went anywhere everyone thought we were father and daughter. That bothered me a lot.

And then there was the sex problem. Our sex life was ok but his erections were not exactly anything to write home about. I saw no happy future with him and got out of the relationship. After we broke up his male buddies came knocking on my door wanting to date me. Geez. Rolleyes A year later I dated a guy my own age and the sex was amazing. I finally realized what I was missing. There's something to be said for 22 year old male erections. Yes, there is.

This was a crazy time in my life and I look back on it with a lot of puzzlement. What the hell was I even thinking.

But having said all that, every relationship is different and the scenario and personalities involved are never the same. Do what you think will work for the both of you. Take it slow. Learn what the pitfalls may be an be honest with her about your misgivings.

Laugh out load This is why I love you. Heart

I prefer someone to be around my age if possible (my fiance is slightly older than me), but I have been open to an age difference in my dating life in the past because sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with. But you do raise some important points to consider and ones it might be helpful for the OP to take into consideration in making his decision.
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01-03-2017, 10:48 AM
RE: Need some sage advice
Get it while you can.

There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. -Camus
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01-03-2017, 11:33 AM
RE: Need some sage advice
My wife is 14 years older than me. We met when I was 20, been together 26 years, married for almost 21.

Check out my now-defunct atheism blog. It's just a blog, no ads, no revenue, no gods.
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01-03-2017, 11:57 AM
RE: Need some sage advice
As you said, you're both adults. Only you know your friends and family well-enough to be able to explain it to them.

As someone who's had to break some very uncomfortable news to friends and family, trust me- it gets easier telling people. Don't apologize for it, but give people time to accept it if they have a problem with it. If they don't... well, that sucks, but it's their decision and you can't change that.

Her family will be wary that you're taking advantage of her. Your family might think she's a gold-digger or some bullshit. Whatever. Answer whatever you feel like answering to them, and then just push past it and try to enjoy the time you have together. Build your life together.

Best wishes, and congratulations!
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02-03-2017, 03:16 AM
RE: Need some sage advice
I'm sixtyone and my bf is sixty three. He just divorced his wife who is twenty years his junior and i can tell he is happier now with a woman his own age. We even talked about it. We are so comfortable with each other on so many levels... he didn't have that with her.

On the plus side, you'll have another couple decades before she hits menopause. By that time, maybe you'll be worn out. LOL.

Does she want a family? Is she the type that likes to go out to clubs and events? Are you the type that want to go to work, come home, eat dinner and kick it? I don't see much of that type of information. Regardless, if youre in love, youre going to want to follow your heart and going by your head will be difficult.

Do you have a history of being stable in relationships and attracting stable women? Scenarios and cycles have a tendency to keep repeating themselves so i'd consider this an important variable.

Whatever you have going on is mutually filling each other's needs and that's where honesty pays off.
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