Need some sage advice
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03-03-2017, 08:57 PM
RE: Need some sage advice
(01-03-2017 10:21 AM)dancefortwo Wrote:  When I was 21 I was in a relationship with someone who was 24 years older than I was. His male friends were very happy for him and always giving him a wink and a nod at his good luck for having a girlfriend who was young enough to be his daughter. They thought I was great and I got along with his buddies. His female co-workers hated me, just despised me. I was their worst nightmare.

He had children from a previous marriage and an x wife. One time she came over to talk about the divorce and financial matters and I had to quickly hide under the bed because had she known I was there she would have had a fit.

Well, now I'm the age my boyfriend was when I was dating him and I realize how ridiculous I was to get caught up in the relationship. I wanted children and he was somewhat willing to have another batch of kids but made it clear that he wasn't going to do any more diaper changing. So the child rearing was going to be all my responsibility.

When we went anywhere everyone thought we were father and daughter. That bothered me a lot.

And then there was the sex problem. Our sex life was ok but his erections were not exactly anything to write home about. I saw no happy future with him and got out of the relationship. After we broke up his male buddies came knocking on my door wanting to date me. Geez. Rolleyes A year later I dated a guy my own age and the sex was amazing. I finally realized what I was missing. There's something to be said for 22 year old male erections. Yes, there is.

This was a crazy time in my life and I look back on it with a lot of puzzlement. What the hell was I even thinking.

But having said all that, every relationship is different and the scenario and personalities involved are never the same. Do what you think will work for the both of you. Take it slow. Learn what the pitfalls may be an be honest with her about your misgivings.

Dance, not all of us "older men" have issues downstairs. LOL. That being said, I appreciate your insight. Every situation is individual (as evidenced by the comments on this thread). That is why I started it. Because I knew that I would get answers from across the spectrum. Our relationship is something we never actively pursued. It just IS. We didn't even date in the "traditional" sense. We've known each other for about two years and at one point we just started doing things together (many times just mundane things like laundry or shopping). That went on for over a year and then BOOM/then trepidation/tons of questions/admonishment/encouragement/praise/scorn/fear/worry and above all HAPPINESS. All of the things present in any relationship, but they are greatly compounded by our age difference. We don't know where it's going, but the train has left the station. Do we jump off now and see where we land ? Or do we go for what could be the greatest ride of our lives ? In the end, we may not get off at the same station. But do we forego the journey and buy separate tickets ?

The second mouse gets the cheese.
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03-03-2017, 10:56 PM
RE: Need some sage advice
(01-03-2017 06:25 AM)adey67 Wrote:  Sounds like you really have thought this through, its really unfortunate that the trophy wife culture amongst the rich and famous ( I believe) has spawned such deep derision for regular folks engaged in a large age gap relationships. I genuinely wish you both the very very best for your future together.

Thank you. I can say firsthand that she is NOT in to me for my money (or lack thereof). And she is the most beautiful person I know. Her smile brightens my day and her presence warms my heart. I know it sounds cliché but it's "my truth".

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03-03-2017, 11:16 PM
RE: Need some sage advice
(03-03-2017 10:56 PM)The Drake Wrote:  
(01-03-2017 06:25 AM)adey67 Wrote:  Sounds like you really have thought this through, its really unfortunate that the trophy wife culture amongst the rich and famous ( I believe) has spawned such deep derision for regular folks engaged in a large age gap relationships. I genuinely wish you both the very very best for your future together.

Thank you. I can say firsthand that she is NOT in to me for my money (or lack thereof). And she is the most beautiful person I know. Her smile brightens my day and her presence warms my heart. I know it sounds cliché but it's "my truth".

If you're happy that's what matters. If you are both happy together then stick with it and enjoy each others company. It's your life to lead and you only get one of those so make the most of it.

I get to decide what my life looks like, not the other way around.
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03-03-2017, 11:42 PM
RE: Need some sage advice
If you decide to be couple officially then I would say this regarding the reaction of others to your relationship and the age difference...the people that really care about the two of you will be happy that you are happy. Those are the people who matter.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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05-03-2017, 08:34 PM
RE: Need some sage advice
(03-03-2017 11:42 PM)Anjele Wrote:  the people that really care about the two of you will be happy that you are happy.

Oh if only that was true. They are the ones that need the most convincing.

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05-03-2017, 08:52 PM
RE: Need some sage advice
(05-03-2017 08:34 PM)The Drake Wrote:  
(03-03-2017 11:42 PM)Anjele Wrote:  the people that really care about the two of you will be happy that you are happy.

Oh if only that was true. They are the ones that need the most convincing.

If you two are in love and you're compatible that's what's important. The older man I went with for three years was a jerk and very bitter about life but I was too stupid, inexperienced and naive to end it sooner.

You seem like a super nice guy so age shouldn't really be a factor.

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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05-03-2017, 08:54 PM
RE: Need some sage advice
For what it's worth, probably two cents plus inflation, coming from this 60 year old who has been married twice to women his own age, and once to a woman 6 years older.

When I met my current wife, she showed her then-16 year old daughter a picture of me with my daughter when she was perhaps 18. My now-stepdaughter misunderstood and thought it was my late wife. She was starting to climb the walls about it until her mother figured out the misunderstanding and said, no, that's not his wife, that's his DAUGHTER. Upon which there was an audible sigh of relief. Mom was not dating some perv who might put the moves on HER.

It is now one of those yuck-yuck family stories but I can only imagine how some people will be challenged by this sort of age gap. You have to simply accept that some family and friends will not accept it or will privately roll their eyes about it (although in all likelihood, many of those will eventually come around when they see it's a healthy and lasting relationship). The relationship has to be (1) worth it and (2) able to withstand that sort of social pressure. My stepdaughter in the above story has always tended to be very judgmental about certain things; some people just are by nature. They don't want their comfort zones or assumptions challenged and take it personally or as cause for suspicion when they are. It is just the way it is.

If you have really considered this and "priced it in" to the relationship, and if you really have no intergenerational issues (personally I find anyone more than about 10 years younger than me to be on another planet in terms of needs and maturity, even ignoring tastes and interests), if you're unambiguously on the same page about children or lack thereof, then ... go for it. Every relationship has its challenges, and two or three relatives looking cross-eyed at you is just another one of those things. It's always something.
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06-03-2017, 10:47 PM
RE: Need some sage advice
(05-03-2017 08:52 PM)dancefortwo Wrote:  [quote='The Drake' pid='1146004' dateline='1488767680']
You seem like a super nice guy so age shouldn't really be a factor.

Thanks...You know what they say about "nice guys" ? Even without the age gap. LOL. Tongue

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07-03-2017, 12:19 AM
RE: Need some sage advice
(05-03-2017 08:54 PM)mordant Wrote:  For what it's worth, probably two cents plus inflation, coming from this 60 year old who has been married twice to women his own age, and once to a woman 6 years older.

When I met my current wife, she showed her then-16 year old daughter a picture of me with my daughter when she was perhaps 18. My now-stepdaughter misunderstood and thought it was my late wife. She was starting to climb the walls about it until her mother figured out the misunderstanding and said, no, that's not his wife, that's his DAUGHTER. Upon which there was an audible sigh of relief. Mom was not dating some perv who might put the moves on HER.

It is now one of those yuck-yuck family stories but I can only imagine how some people will be challenged by this sort of age gap. You have to simply accept that some family and friends will not accept it or will privately roll their eyes about it (although in all likelihood, many of those will eventually come around when they see it's a healthy and lasting relationship). The relationship has to be (1) worth it and (2) able to withstand that sort of social pressure. My stepdaughter in the above story has always tended to be very judgmental about certain things; some people just are by nature. They don't want their comfort zones or assumptions challenged and take it personally or as cause for suspicion when they are. It is just the way it is.

If you have really considered this and "priced it in" to the relationship, and if you really have no intergenerational issues (personally I find anyone more than about 10 years younger than me to be on another planet in terms of needs and maturity, even ignoring tastes and interests), if you're unambiguously on the same page about children or lack thereof, then ... go for it. Every relationship has its challenges, and two or three relatives looking cross-eyed at you is just another one of those things. It's always something.

Thank you for the best response I've read yet ( sorry ev1 else Smile ). And with a humorous anecdote as a bonus. Many things to ponder.

You are right about people and their comfort zones. I also think we see them as surrogates for our own misgivings as well. I would be lying if I said we didn't have/haven't had them. The intergenerational issues don't seem to be a factor now. And can be chalked up to something superficial (a few tastes and interests) and differences in opinion/approach to certain things. Normal stuff in any relationship. But the one thing that still makes us think is "Where do we see ourselves in 20 yrs ?". Questions of children aside because that could always happen, but I hope to "not be dead" ! I'm doing what I can/should but she will be in what could possibly be the prime of her life.

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