Never a good day anymore
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14-07-2015, 01:37 PM
Never a good day anymore
There is something wrong with me. This I already know. I've fought mental health issues for most of my life. Lately I feel worse than I did when I had a breakdown years ago. That breakdown cost me more than I can explain. I even have some memory loss because of it.

My life is shit, plain and simple. Bad choices, bad situation, everything. I'm stuck in dead-end jobs because I don't qualify for anything else. I live in one of the poorest areas, so jobs are scarce.

Many say, go to college. I couldn't afford to finish college and still can't afford it. I've tried. Medical problems have wiped out my savings. I'll never be able to retire, I know that. I know as I get older it gets more and more difficult to find work. I stepped down from my position because the boss constantly curses at me, and I know that means even fewer hours now. But I just couldn't keep doing it.

I was the smart kid in school but didn't amount to anything. Lots of luck all the intelligence did for me.

I'm going to work in shit jobs until the day I die. I don't look forward to getting out of my 40s. I've stopped taking all my meds. I've been on so many psych meds and none do anything. I can't get therapy because I can't afford insurance. I don't want my blood pressure meds. I know the risks, even with family history of heart problems and strokes. If I have a heart attack or stroke, I don't want to make it out.

I'm sleeping less and less. When I had meds to help me sleep, even they stopped working. I toss & turn and am lucky if I get 4 hours.

I'm deep down exhausted. I am stuck where I am. I've tried so many times and keep getting beaten down farther each time. I have nothing and don't see how anything will change. I want to fall asleep and never wake up again.
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14-07-2015, 01:46 PM
RE: Never a good day anymore
Oh. This makes me sad. Depression is one bad motherfucker. I still don't understand healthcare systems that bankrupt people for being sick.

-Oh I see you are sick, let me help you by kicking you and stealing your kidney.

I have no idea how to handle stuff like this with you going to a doctor. I would have ended up killing myself with mine. In fact I was almost successful in doing so anyway.

You have come out on the other side once. Perhaps you can do it again. Is there something you can use from that time to ride the tide in?
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14-07-2015, 01:49 PM
Never a good day anymore
I've never actually come out of it. This started when I was in my teens, and I'm in my 40s now. I can't remember what I did when it wasn't quite as bad. I know that's just part of it, but I'm all but out of hope.
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14-07-2015, 01:53 PM
RE: Never a good day anymore
(14-07-2015 01:49 PM)Clockwork Wrote:  I've never actually come out of it. This started when I was in my teens, and I'm in my 40s now. I can't remember what I did when it wasn't quite as bad. I know that's just part of it, but I'm all but out of hope.
Sounds very, very familiar.

Is that "mood" something that comes and goes so you have to wait for a better period to come by again?

What happens if you get so bad that you're not able to hold a job. Is there no safety net to catch you?
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14-07-2015, 01:58 PM
Never a good day anymore
Mood is getting worse every year. And no safety net at all. That's part of why I won't take my meds. All I can hope is if my heart gives out or I have a stroke or aneurysm, I don't bounce back. If I do, I'll have nothing.
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14-07-2015, 02:10 PM
RE: Never a good day anymore
I am so sorry you are going through all of that Hug I went through a pretty bad time when I was first coming out of Christianity. I am not trying to tell you what to do--but in my experience, it is really hard to get out from underneath all of that without some outside help.

You are a smart person, Clockwork. There is still time for you to do great things. Smile Heart
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14-07-2015, 02:12 PM
RE: Never a good day anymore
(14-07-2015 01:58 PM)Clockwork Wrote:  Mood is getting worse every year. And no safety net at all. That's part of why I won't take my meds. All I can hope is if my heart gives out or I have a stroke or aneurysm, I don't bounce back. If I do, I'll have nothing.
I wish I could help. It pains me to see you like this.
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14-07-2015, 02:20 PM
RE: Never a good day anymore
I just saw that you said you had limited funds. What about joining a support group?
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14-07-2015, 02:28 PM
RE: Never a good day anymore
You could also check this out:

https://www2.nami.org/Template.cfm?Secti...ntID=79713
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14-07-2015, 02:32 PM
RE: Never a good day anymore
You need something in your life to aim for.

How about studying online? Lots of free courses in all kinds of stuff. Learning is always a positive, and it takes your mind off things.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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