Noah Lugeon's Epic Rant
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11-11-2016, 12:04 AM (This post was last modified: 11-11-2016 12:46 AM by EvolutionKills.)
Noah Lugeon's Epic Rant
This is a transcript I made of the intro to The Scathing Atheist podcast #195: WTF Happened Edition. Images added for my own amusement.

https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/the-scathing-atheist




Warning: This episode contains profanity, and pretty much nothing else. I mean, what the fuck did you expect?

This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by a new podcast I'm working on. I don't have the title locked in yet, but right now we're calling it 'Putting Nate Silver's TI-82 calculator inside James Comey; with Heath'. We're hoping to try a new and unique process each week. Suggestions are welcome. And now, The Scathing Atheist.


It's Thursday, Novemeber 10th, and ffffffuuuuuuuccccckkkkkkk.....

Yeah, no kidding. I'm Noah Lugeons. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enwright, and from New York, New York and secret lair Pennsylvania, fuck Pennsylvania, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Lucinda invents a time machine made of rage and microwave parts. We hook up Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Steven Bryer to a monoatomic gold respirator. No shit, and the 2020 Presidential Election begins. But first, the diatribe...


[Epic Rant]


It was so funny, on Tuesday. Tuesday was so funny. You were probably in on it. I mean, I know a lot of you were, but for the rest of y'all I'll tell you guys what happened. So Eli was mad at me for eating the last Devil Dog again, and you know Eli, he started a prank war.


[Image: f36dd-drakes-devil-dogs-01.jpg]


So what he did was hire the guys from CNN and MSNBC and Fox News and had them record hours of presidential election footage, but like you know, as if Trump had won. And then he hacked into my cable and made a whole different internet that corroborated this whole Trump is gonna be president nonsense. Then he rerouted all my devices to to that, and I'll be honest with you, he almost got me. I almost believed it, and then of course I realized that infinitely more likely that series of events was to the alternative explanation, namely that the election for the President of the United States of America was just won by Donald wall-building-Muslim-banning-disability-mocking-climate-change-denying-fat-shaming-pussy-grabbing-franken-Cheeto Trump.


I mean seriously guys! Gals! What in the monkeyshit just happened!? How the fuck am I supposed to put words together now!? I'm supposed to get on here today and just see how long I can hold the U in FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!


[Image: FU.jpg]


What in the hell do you want from me!? I got some set of words that encapsulates the nuclear fucktardery that just befell the world! Donald Trump is gonna be President! That will always have happened! Right? We will never ever make up for that. If every American went out tomorrow and cure a different strain of cancer, we would still be the country that elected Donald Trump to run it. Who put Donald Trump in charge of the world's largest nuclear arsenal! This shit is gonna be in history books! Our great-great-great-grand-kids are gonna know about this, and they're gonna tell them that we already knew about the pussy grabbing shit before we elected him!


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I mean, remember back when I was gonna do jokes about the President having a vagina? I was gonna come out and I would say like "Ova-office!" and then you would laugh, and we would move on to other shit? It was a simpler time. A time before Nate Silver could go fuck himself, back before we were counting the 2018 midterms before they hatched. A time when we so radically underestimated the per-capita stupidity of America. That we never took the words 'President Donald J. Trump' seriously. A time when we naively said 'there is absolutely no way that I am surrounded by the kind of frothing at the mouth shit-for-brains dingletards it would take to elect Donald fuckin' Trump to the highest office in the country'. I would have noticed how few of them got their pants on the correct appendages everyday by now!


[Image: zp___pants_on_head_by_sasukexiii.jpg]


But now we live in a different world, a more negligently stupid world; and the most terrifying thing about this world is that it is genuinely post-truth. We just went through an election where one of the candidates would literally make up whatever number he wanted, attached it to whatever problem he wanted, and then just carry on. 'As we speak, 4 out of every 2 black people in Chicago is being murdered', and it doesn't fucking matter that even the most conservative media outlet you could possibly take seriously would go 'yeah, but seriously, that's bullshit that doesn't even make sense; sorry about that'. Because apparently the majority of voters don't care what's TRUE. They live in a world where global warming is a myth, and Jesus is gonna save em', and their biggest concerns are the mind-control powder on their juice box lining and the yoga mats they put in Subway bread! And while I'll admit this isn't the worst thing that's ever happened in all of human history, I feel like it's a pretty solid contender for the stupidest!


[Image: d79fdfd6-ebbc-4b24-a123-4d24c0b79c62.jpg]


It could lead to the worst. We've been running around here pretending we're smart enough to keep doing democracy, even after the George W. Bush reelection thing. We were all like 'No look! We did a black guy! He's a lawyer, he knows smart words!' and we fooled ourselves into thinking we could be trusted around voting booths again. And make no mistake, if you're looking for someone to blame, look in the fuckin' mirror! I know when I look there I see a guy who has a political podcast he kept on hiatus for an entire Presidential election because he was too busy doing that other show about important stuff, like what David A.R. White looks like a cartoon character fucked!


[Image: 30d1d1ba02c0ebce0d07efbbeeae4053.jpg]


Which is, admittedly, probably not what you see when you look in the mirror. So maybe you can start by blaming me, but then look in the mirror and blame yourself! Because when things are this fucked up in a democracy, it's too late to blame the candidates, you have to blame the electorate! And no matter how much you did, it obviously didn't do enough! So yes, I am talking to you too! Unless you're one of our non-American listeners, in which case I'm just glad you haven't stopped hanging out with us! And I apologize in advance for bombing your country when one of your late night comedians makes a joke about our President's sexual assault bravado.


[Image: atomic-finger.jpg]


I mean, I'd just love to point at somebody and be like 'Yo! It was the Christians!' or whatever. Then we could gang up on the real culprit, but in a case like this, there is no one real culprit; and pretending there is, is no way to solve real problems. Unless of course those problems are voter turnout in the Rust Belt, in which case it works out just fucking fine! Look, the real problem here is that we're a bunch of spoiled brats who have lived in a democracy that could essentially function on cruise control for a couple of decades. We bitch about the system, without realizing that we are the system now. And despite all the evidence to the contrary, we trusted Americans not to do the most stupidly self destructive thing they could possibly do!


[Image: 9789ccfbc07b372f6bbeaedcfd5e193a.jpg]


Now don't get me wrong here, I'm not trying to tack onto that tired trope that says we're all equally to blame for the 60 million people who actually went to the polls to vote for a misogynist-white-supremacist-sexual-assaulter. There are certainly people who bare more blame than others, and if you happen to see a frightened white man opining for the days when brown people were easier to subjugate internationally when he looked in the mirror, you deserve way more derision than the guy who goes 'Hey, you know I could have taken Ted to the poling station. Ted liked Hillary, fuck!'. But when something is this broken, it is everyone's fault who has the remotest chance of fixing it and hasn't done that yet. But if you need a silver lining, I might have one for ya'.


[Image: photo.jpg]


When all is said and done, Donald Trump actually will make America great again, in about 4 years after we're done erasing all the progress we just made. Look, he's going to teach yet another generation that you can't sit this shit out and trust the American people to vote sanely. He'll incense enough people to get Democratic majorities in both houses of Congress in the midterms, and assuming we make it through the next 4 years without a twitter fight sparking an atomic holocaust, we'll rise from the ashes of this disaster with a populist that knows their democracy cannot function without their full attention. And look, the only other choice is that we keep going in this direction until we collectively stupid ourselves to death in a matter of about 8 years; and I feel that at this point both of those outcomes leave us with a better world.

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