Not sure why I suck with this friends thing.
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20-09-2013, 02:55 PM
RE: Not sure why I suck with this friends thing.
Drinking Beverage
(20-09-2013 12:24 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(20-09-2013 12:11 PM)ClydeLee Wrote:  Meetups or whatnot still have other groups but all I ever see in my area are Christian things or old lady book groups.

That actually sounds interesting to me. Blush

I'm really afraid to ask but is it the xians or the old ladys you find interesting?Drinking Beverage

" Generally speaking, the errors in religion are dangerous; those in philosophy only ridiculous."
David Hume
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20-09-2013, 03:53 PM
RE: Not sure why I suck with this friends thing.
(20-09-2013 11:37 AM)Logisch Wrote:  
(20-09-2013 08:24 AM)Chas Wrote:  You are that hang gliding, astrophoto, Porsche guy Derek, right?

Yeah...

Well, you do interesting stuff with potentially interesting people. And you have a gorgeous wife who has a bazillion FB friends. She finds you attractive and interesting, I'm guessing.

I don't have many close friends either. I make acquaintances and casual friends easily as I am outgoing and social. But I seem to hold people at a distance or hold back much of myself. I find it easier to be open with women rather than men.

There are people I've known for a long time and we are not close, while occasionally I have met someone and we immediately click. I'm guessing you might be holding yourself back a bit and people may sense that.

I guess I don't have anything specific to suggest, except maybe try to look at yourself while interacting and look at the other person's eyes.

I'd hang with you, dude. Thumbsup

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
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20-09-2013, 04:02 PM
RE: Not sure why I suck with this friends thing.
(20-09-2013 02:48 PM)kim Wrote:  
(20-09-2013 01:33 PM)Ohio Sky Wrote:  Guess I don't use enough smiley faces in my text messages for people to not take them the wrong way. Consider

This reminds me of a math teacher in jr high school... I knew a few of the older kids were terrified of this guy but I didn't know why. Finally, I got into his class and I found out.

A majority of the time he was just a regular teacher and pretty ok but, rarely expressed any kind of emotion; really, just a blank, expressionless face.

However, if he was pissed at something you did, he would proceed to tell you off to the point of humiliation and while doing so, he would be smiling the sweetest, kindest smile. It was the only time anyone ever -EVER- saw him smile.

In fact, I don't think I ever heard of anyone who saw him smile more than once... I know I only saw it only once... what a relief. I became really good at geometry really fast. Smiling fucker was terrifying. Dodgy

That is rather unnerving. Although, maybe he was just socially inept like the rest of us and thought that a smile would soften the blow? Lol

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who has said it- not even if I have said it- unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. - Buddha
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20-09-2013, 09:02 PM
RE: Not sure why I suck with this friends thing.
I understand how you feel OP. I have a couple friends at work and we talk there but otherwise we might do one thing a year outside work. I mostly need someone to share things with in the evening when I'm at my lowest. People tell me I should join some kind of group but that's really hard for me. I don't know how many times in my life I've been interested in something and I almost, but not quite, get myself to go. Then of course I was married to an asshole who wasn't interested in anything I liked and wasn't encouraging at all.

I'm not normally like this.
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20-09-2013, 09:23 PM
RE: Not sure why I suck with this friends thing.
(20-09-2013 03:53 PM)Chas Wrote:  
(20-09-2013 11:37 AM)Logisch Wrote:  Yeah...

Well, you do interesting stuff with potentially interesting people. And you have a gorgeous wife who has a bazillion FB friends. She finds you attractive and interesting, I'm guessing.

I don't have many close friends either. I make acquaintances and casual friends easily as I am outgoing and social. But I seem to hold people at a distance or hold back much of myself. I find it easier to be open with women rather than men.

There are people I've known for a long time and we are not close, while occasionally I have met someone and we immediately click. I'm guessing you might be holding yourself back a bit and people may sense that.

I guess I don't have anything specific to suggest, except maybe try to look at yourself while interacting and look at the other person's eyes.

I'd hang with you, dude. Thumbsup

^ That.

Except I wouldn't hang with you because you are too active and extrovert for my tastes. I would find that overwhelming.
Tongue

The main question is ... what is your vision of the perfect relationship? Meaning that when you say "it would be nice once in a while to have someone to go hang out with and talk" what are you picturing in your mind?
Male/female?
Idle chat based on a relationship of trust that goes back 20 years?
Flirty stuff?

Once you can picture it, you have to decide whether it is practical to expect this to be a one-to-one relationship or a one-to-many relationship i.e. there might be different aspects of your vision to be found in different people rather than in one package.

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20-09-2013, 09:45 PM
RE: Not sure why I suck with this friends thing.
(20-09-2013 09:23 PM)DLJ Wrote:  
(20-09-2013 03:53 PM)Chas Wrote:  Well, you do interesting stuff with potentially interesting people. And you have a gorgeous wife who has a bazillion FB friends. She finds you attractive and interesting, I'm guessing.

I don't have many close friends either. I make acquaintances and casual friends easily as I am outgoing and social. But I seem to hold people at a distance or hold back much of myself. I find it easier to be open with women rather than men.

There are people I've known for a long time and we are not close, while occasionally I have met someone and we immediately click. I'm guessing you might be holding yourself back a bit and people may sense that.

I guess I don't have anything specific to suggest, except maybe try to look at yourself while interacting and look at the other person's eyes.

I'd hang with you, dude. Thumbsup

^ That.

Except I wouldn't hang with you because you are too active and extrovert for my tastes. I would find that overwhelming.
Tongue

The main question is ... what is your vision of the perfect relationship? Meaning that when you say "it would be nice once in a while to have someone to go hang out with and talk" what are you picturing in your mind?
Male/female?
Idle chat based on a relationship of trust that goes back 20 years?
Flirty stuff?

Once you can picture it, you have to decide whether it is practical to expect this to be a one-to-one relationship or a one-to-many relationship i.e. there might be different aspects of your vision to be found in different people rather than in one package.

No flirty stuff. Not really necessary. Just a friend that I can talk to, hang out with, talk about anything and everything. Hang out, do astronomy or something. Shoot the shit, have a glass of scotch, talk about the universe. That kind of shit. I have no friends like that.

Keep in mind most my family is religious. My wife is not of course, but at the same time those conversations don't interest her. Would be nice to have a friend who does.

Official ordained minister of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Please pm me with prayer requests to his noodly goodness. Remember, he boiled for your sins and loves you. Carbo Diem! RAmen.
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20-09-2013, 09:54 PM
RE: Not sure why I suck with this friends thing.
(20-09-2013 09:45 PM)Logisch Wrote:  
(20-09-2013 09:23 PM)DLJ Wrote:  ^ That.

Except I wouldn't hang with you because you are too active and extrovert for my tastes. I would find that overwhelming.
Tongue

The main question is ... what is your vision of the perfect relationship? Meaning that when you say "it would be nice once in a while to have someone to go hang out with and talk" what are you picturing in your mind?
Male/female?
Idle chat based on a relationship of trust that goes back 20 years?
Flirty stuff?

Once you can picture it, you have to decide whether it is practical to expect this to be a one-to-one relationship or a one-to-many relationship i.e. there might be different aspects of your vision to be found in different people rather than in one package.

No flirty stuff. Not really necessary. Just a friend that I can talk to, hang out with, talk about anything and everything. Hang out, do astronomy or something. Shoot the shit, have a glass of scotch, talk about the universe. That kind of shit. I have no friends like that.

Keep in mind most my family is religious. My wife is not of course, but at the same time those conversations don't interest her. Would be nice to have a friend who does.

Why am I picturing finding that person at the Old Ladies' Book Club?

I think that kind of relationship is a mature one i.e. it is the later stage of a longer relationship. i.e. someone you have worked / played with before and often, had shared experiences, maybe a few shared secrets etc.

To get to that point you need to start relationships (that's the bit I can't be bothered with Cool ) and the more you start, the more likely it is that you will find someone with the right chemistry.

My point before, though, was this might not be just one person i.e. one for astronomy another for scotch.

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21-09-2013, 04:37 PM
RE: Not sure why I suck with this friends thing.
(20-09-2013 04:02 PM)Ohio Sky Wrote:  That is rather unnerving. Although, maybe he was just socially inept like the rest of us and thought that a smile would soften the blow? Lol

Consider
Ok, I can accept that.
But if one day in the future, they dig up his back yard and find remains of 13 year olds from the 70s... I'm not gonna ever do geometry ever ever ever again. Undecided

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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22-09-2013, 07:10 PM
RE: Not sure why I suck with this friends thing.
If you have a good primary relationship, you have more than many folks do.
I know of a guy who became a father at age 50+ so he could "relate" socially with other parents. Don't know how well it worked, but it seems extreme.
I have to wonder if you might have Asperger's Syndrome. There are online tests. Finding out doesn't help anything, except that it might help you feel less guilty/responsible. Which you shouldn't feel anyways.
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23-09-2013, 04:24 PM
RE: Not sure why I suck with this friends thing.
(19-09-2013 11:37 PM)Logisch Wrote:  I don't think it's a particular secret that I am not the greatest at socially understanding people all the time. So I'm not sure if that's part of it or what... but I don't tend to really have any good friends I can confide in. No real friends I hang out on a regular basis with or anything.

I've had a handful of friends that I've been able to identify with and a few I could really call "good friends" but the majority of them have moved away and been gone for a while. The other person I'd call a very good friend now owns his own business and has no time to hang out. In fact, the last time he had a day off, he just pretty much slept all day. I'm happy for him, but the only interaction is pretty much we text back and forth once on a blue moon. Success comes at a price I suppose.

I love my wife dearly, but she has friends to hang out with and what not. She's encouraged me to find friends to hang out with. So far, I've been terrible at meeting people. I come online now and then to talk to people but it's not quite the same as person to person hanging out with interaction. There are people I fly with who are cool people. But you're not exactly hanging out and shooting the shit when you're in the air, and once you're done flying, well, you just go home.

So I don't get it.

Am I off putting? Do I come off as a total dick? Do I come off as arrogant for some reason? Hell, I even met a few people through meetups, and no one ever wants to get back to me on hanging out. I get this "vibe" that after they've met me for some reason it just doesn't click or resonate and that's it.

Maybe I suck at social interactions? My wife says I do fine, my family says I do fine, and the few "friends" I sort of acknowledge with say I do fine. But I feel like I always have ridiculous amounts of anxiety around people.

Kinda sucks. I spend an awful lot of time alone with my cars. I enjoy working on my cars. But fuck... it would be nice once in a while to have someone to go hang out with and talk.

I'm honestly open to feedback. Do I come off as a dick, or arrogant, or an asshole? I generally intend humor in my interactions, although sometimes maybe I'm too blunt and off putting? I dunno.

Time to go work on my car while I contemplate.

Laughat


...... Weeping


PLEASE.....GOOGLE

"NON-VERBAL LEARNING DISABILITIES"

I have experience with this cluster of bizarre, seemingly unrelated "symptoms". Not a DISEASE, but a processing disorder....it is real and it can be depressing if you don't understand it....

See if you can recognize NVLD traits in yourself. That is the beauty of the web...you can (sorta) find out about it in private.

I am no doctor, (and I don't even HAVE a TV!) but I am close to someone who was in college before he realized his cluster of quirks had a name, and that there were some very REAL therapies he could pursue to help him function better socially.

ITS WORTH A GOOGLE!

And I am sorry for your crushing loneliness. I TRULY do hope you find some peace.
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