Nowhere Else to Turn
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29-05-2013, 09:39 AM
RE: Nowhere Else to Turn
(29-05-2013 09:35 AM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Life feels dark, lonely and unbearably cold. For me, tears come when there is a complete loss of control; when the realization that I'm impotent to effect a change slams against and it's overwhelming.

The feelings don't really last forever, but they feel like they do -- some are without end but in time coping becomes easier.


You are really never alone tho. I'm not talking about an invisibile sky daddy...but real people who care about you and want to help.

Heck... what mom said.

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29-05-2013, 10:28 AM
RE: Nowhere Else to Turn
I have felt those feelings. They pass, especially with help be it personal or pharmaceutical or both.

Please see a doctor; survive long enough to see a doctor. Please.

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Science is not a subject, but a method.
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29-05-2013, 10:43 AM
RE: Nowhere Else to Turn
A little something I wrote as I was getting well. Just wanted to share as a glimmer of hope to any. Bad grammar and horrid spelling but it's what I wrote the day I wrote it and I will not change it because it is my life.

Finding my way through the fog.
Looking for the answers to what is right and what is wrong.
But for me the reality of these questions and the answers that followed became full of distortions.
Nothing was as it seemed.
It was the fog slowly closing in around me
A fog filled with fears, nitemares, and paranioa.
Feeling that your worst fears can become reality at any moment.
A reality that is so terrible and painful that all I could do was run.
Running from or running to....I could not tell the difference.
No matter what diredtion I ran all I saw was fog.
As the fog grew thicker and thicker I began to feel myself falling.
As the fog began to finally disapear I found myself in a hole.
A deep, dark, hole.
A hole filled with sadness, pain, hoplesness and dispare.
As time went by these things comsumed me.
I did not know any other way to exsist.
Life in the hole was all I knew.
I had no memories of life before it.
The hole had become my only comfort, my only friend.
I didn't even think about leaving.
I did not know how.
I had no hope.
I was in a deep, dark, hole lost in a sea of fog.
And I did not think that anyone even knew I was there.
I was doomed to live a life of fear, pain and such horrible saddness,
that at times I wished that the hole would just colapse in on me and end my pain.
The pain had become more than I could bare.
And at the moment that I could bare no more a faint ray of light hit my shoulders.
How long had it been since I had seen a light such as this?
I did not know.
My first reaction was of fear.
So I dug deeper info my hole.
Then I saw a hand slowly reaching down.
Not knowing what to do I dug even deeper.
What did the hand want?
Why was it there?
What did it want from me?
A fear of the hand grew intense.
I sat weeping, not knowing what to do.
Not knowing how to feel.
I began to here a comforting voice coming from the hand.
A voice that I did not know for it had been many a year since I had heard such a voice.
I was told that I would be helped out of the hole but I would have to make the first step alone.
I would have to stand up and reach for the hand.
I felt nothing but fear.
My body trembled as I slowly reached for the hand.
I felt a sense of warmth and comfort from the hand.
It was a very unfamiliar feeling.
But the fear still dominated my emotions as I was slowly helped out of the hole.
It was a very long and hard journy before I was finally free from the hole.
And in days to come I would surch long and hard for it again.
For their were times that I again disired it's comfort.
But with all my surching I could not find it again even to this day.
The struggles that came after were hard and challanging.
I learned many new things and met with many comforting voices.
The journey to freedom has been difficult and not without it's trips and stumbles.
But it was a journey that was well worth taking and it comtinues to be so.
Because the journey never really ends it just changes shapes and colors.
The way that the seasons come and go. Always changing.
But always changing for the good.
For now I finally have hope that I will never return to the depths of the hole within the fog.
I have the strength to keep them in my past.
And the disire to never return.

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29-05-2013, 10:44 AM
RE: Nowhere Else to Turn
I'm going to open my closet for a bit. The skeletons within aren't pretty, but their display will hopefully help.

Though I've never had a gun, I had fantasized about someone finding my body. The big "fuck you" was something I was wanting to do, as well. At the time, I understood the implications. It brought a strange sense of serenity. I felt disconnected from myself and lost. I didn't know what would happen from one day to the next, and didn't want things to continue as they were.

I was 17 at the time. I went through that for seven years. I got through it.

What helped me is exactly what you're doing: reaching out. I had people concerned about me and who cared about me (most were professionals and it took me years to realize even though it was their profession, they did feel that way) who stuck with me when I was at my lowest. A lot of what was said bounced off me, or so I thought. I still remember most of it, and recall it to remind myself when revisited by a low.

I still go through my lows. I've learned though that even one voice of one person, no matter what their background is or who they are, even if it is just me says "You need to reach out, tell somebody what's going on to get the help you need to get through this and stay safe", then yeah. I do it.

You've chiseled at my heart for the past while with your beautiful writings. My hopes are that you stay safe, get whatever you can from this thread to keep on going, get the help you need to deal with the situation in the now and know that by reaching out, you're taking the biggest step "to explore the route to help and mental health.", as Erx put it.


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29-05-2013, 03:18 PM
RE: Nowhere Else to Turn
Will be thinking of you Miso...

As much as you may feel alone, there are many of us who care. And I'm pretty sure there's a good crowd of people over there in the 3d world who also care.
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29-05-2013, 03:26 PM
RE: Nowhere Else to Turn
That was beautiful Cheapthrillseaker. Especially the last paragraph truly speaks about how so many of us here feel.


Just sending more hugs.

God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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29-05-2013, 03:29 PM
RE: Nowhere Else to Turn
You may not know that I have three younger brothers, I know you have one.
They heve been a constant source of strength and support over my life in spite of our disagreements from time to time. The older I get the more I value the time we spend together.

Maybe sticking around for your brother's life is reason enough to hold on? I don't doubt for one second that in the future he'll need your love, support and advice.

"Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's."- Mark Twain in Eruption
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29-05-2013, 03:32 PM
RE: Nowhere Else to Turn
I know my son was FC

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29-05-2013, 04:32 PM
RE: Nowhere Else to Turn are in a tough place. You mentioned going for a walk and spending time outside - I wish you could take a long trek on one of the Camino routes in Spain, as a radical change of scenery like that might be beneficial. I know it was for me.

Sometimes walking the Way can feel like a post-apocalyptic venue, especially when going by ruins or during the meseta stage through the arid part of Spain in summertime. It kind of strips away a person's veneer and makes you deal with your shit. I was really wrestling with my Xianity at the time, and I'm not sure how things would have turned out if I hadn't dropped everything and fled to Spain.

Sorry if it sounds like I'm trying to fix you, but it sounds like you need something radical and are calling out for help & a listening ear, and the Camino is the most radical thing I know and can respond with. These days I take Prozac to help my "social anxiety disorder" which is a drop in the bucket compared to what you are going through. I dunno what else to suggest besides some sort of professional help combined with medication.

Bottom line, walking the Way was one of the best things I ever did, and I long to go back again someday. Many others feel the same way about the Camino and have had their lives changed by walking one of the routes, so I'm throwing it out there as an option that you might consider vs. some sort of other radical/harmful alternative. I wish you the best whatever you choose to do.
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29-05-2013, 05:36 PM
Nowhere Else to Turn
Wow Miso. So many of your descriptions of how you're feeling sound so familiar to me. Looking back on my youth I feel far removed from it. Your description of demons scratching and clawing from the inside are particularly haunting to me. I could almost say I feel your pain.

I ended up in 2 different mental hospitals when I was 16 and 17. I received treatment from so many doctors I have lost count. I was diagnosed with any number of ailments. Looking back I have a suspicion they were all wrong. I was tested on multiple drugs. The most effective was Zoloft.

I was taking this drug since about age 20 until about age 35. I have since stopped taking it. I haven't had an episode since. I feel very different now compared to the choking darkness I felt back then. I'm not suggesting the drugs "cured" me. I feel they simply helped me while I healed. Much like a crutch or a cast.

I remember considering doing myself in. I think the only thing that saved me was my own cowardice.

My life has totally turned out to be nothing like I could have predicted back then. I'm not suggesting its peachy. Fuck no. But it's better than anything I feared. I came out the other side, scarred but stronger I think.

If you leave now, you'll never know how this will end. This is it man. This is the only adventure you get. This one is yours alone. Yours to tell.

There was a promise I began making myself toward the end of my darkness: if I ever reached the point where I felt I would want to off myself I would instead simply give up and leave society. Head into the wilderness and leave my fate to Mother Nature. I'm glad today it never came to that. I would have been fodder and all the things that are happening for me today would never have happened. Ever. No story.

I never would have met you! You would never have met me. Ok, that doesn't sound as joyous as it did in my head. But you get the idea?

Recalling how I felt back then and looking back I'm thinking my words are going to sound cheap and stupid to you. Sorry if happens that way.

Try this: you made it this far. It sounds like you've managed this all on your own with help from nobody.

How? How did you make it this far?

He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy! -Brian's mum
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