Offensive Joke Thread
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26-03-2016, 04:23 PM
RE: Offensive Joke Thread
jesus and the Penitent Thief were being crucified.

Penitent Thief: jesus.

Penitent Thief: jesus.

Penitent Thief: jesus.

jesus: What.

Penitent Thief: jesus. If you crane your neck, you can just see your house from here.

Marburg virus, Ebola, Rabies, HIV, Smallpox, Hantavirus, Dengue Fever all brought to you by god - who cares for us and loves us all Censored
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02-04-2016, 08:31 AM
RE: Offensive Joke Thread
A small muslim bookstore just opened up near my house.

So, being curious, I went in and took a look around.

After a while the owner came over and asked if he could help me find something, and I said "yes I'm looking for Donald Trump's new book on Islamic terrorism and immigration".
He angrily shouted "FUCK YOU, GET OUTTA HERE AND STAY OUT!"

I said "yeah that's the one...do you have it in paper back?"

A friend in the hole

"If we're going to be damned, let's be damned for what we really are." - Captain Picard
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02-04-2016, 09:06 AM
RE: Offensive Joke Thread
Just been watching the Paralympic diving competition, those guide dogs make one hell of a splash.
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02-04-2016, 10:24 AM (This post was last modified: 02-04-2016 10:33 AM by SYZ.)
RE: Offensive Joke Thread
(02-04-2016 09:06 AM)PaddyOdoors Wrote:  Just been watching the Paralympic diving competition, those guide dogs make one hell of a splash.

...me too. Particularly the track events. The 10 metre sprint was pretty thrilling.

I'm a creationist... I believe that man created God.
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02-04-2016, 12:06 PM
RE: Offensive Joke Thread
(02-04-2016 10:24 AM)SYZ Wrote:  
(02-04-2016 09:06 AM)PaddyOdoors Wrote:  Just been watching the Paralympic diving competition, those guide dogs make one hell of a splash.

...me too. Particularly the track events. The 10 metre sprint was pretty thrilling.

I'm waiting for the Winter special olympics. The Bobsled should be particularly entertaining. "Looks like the #3 runner has decided not to sit down, bad day to choose not to wear the helmet."

(31-07-2014 04:37 PM)Luminon Wrote:  America is full of guns, but they're useless, because nobody has the courage to shoot an IRS agent in self-defense
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02-04-2016, 08:37 PM
RE: Offensive Joke Thread
Back during the Depression, a drifter passed by a small farm. Striking a conversation with the farmer, he barters some labor for a little supper and a place to sleep. After mucking the barn, filling the hayloft, and weeding a good acre the drifter ate his supper of biscuits, gravy, and a ladlefull of beans. The farmer let him sleep in the hayloft with the promise that he would move on in the morning.

Waking before dawn, the drifter decided that he would try to hustle a little breakfast. He found a pail, walked down from the hayloft, and clumsily milked the cows until he had a full pail. He carried it to the farmhouse, opened the kitchen door, and proceeded to pour himself a fresh glass just as the farmer walked into the room. The drifter looked up and said, "Went ahead and milked your cows!" as he began to take a big drink.

"Cows?" asked the farmer, perplexed. "We don't have any cows. We have bulls."

Don't let those gnomes and their illusions get you down. They're just gnomes and illusions.

--Jake the Dog, Adventure Time

Alouette, je te plumerai.
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03-04-2016, 09:06 AM
RE: Offensive Joke Thread
I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutsiness. Tugging on her leash was a well groomed terrier.

As we met on the path, I greeted her, "Hi there, my, aren't you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have."

—"Thank you, sir" she said, "And what a nice day this is isn't it?"

"Yes it is" I answered, "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you're wearing."

—"Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile.

"Yes, very pretty" I answered, "By the way, what's your dog's name?"

—"Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky', isn't that cute?"

"Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him 'Porky'?"

—"Because he fucks pigs!"

I'm a creationist... I believe that man created God.
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05-04-2016, 10:00 PM
RE: Offensive Joke Thread
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

"I feel as though the camera is almost a kind of voyeur in Mr. Beans life, and you just watch this bizarre man going about his life in the way that he wants to."

-Rowan Atkinson
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06-04-2016, 02:02 AM
RE: Offensive Joke Thread
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh so sad dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".

"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly.

"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike
Excreta Tauri Sapientam Fulgeat (The excrement of the bull causes wisdom to flee)
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08-04-2016, 10:20 AM
Offensive Joke Thread
This isn't a joke technically. We were getting tires at a local place. Got my picture taken with the cat that "works" there. I was looking at their Facebook page. This is one of their pictures. I've blocked out parts of the faces.

[Image: aced9661a70cc4c8bb32a5e76342c993.jpg]

Facepalm
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