Old scars from loss
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21-11-2015, 12:52 PM
Old scars from loss
Maybe scabs are a better term. They never really heal if you just keep picking at them.
Lately I get stuck thinking about these things that shaped my attitudes.
My older brother drowned on the day of his high school graduation. I still have this image of his cap and gown hanging by the door, and answering the door to this somber state patrolman in his huge hat, telling us he was gone.
A month later my sister's husband was crushed in a firefighting accident and paralyzed.
He knew how hard my brother's loss was for me, and had tried. We went fishing, things like that. Then he too was taken in a sense.
My father, a professional drinker could stay no more and moved out a month after that.
That was the summer of my 14th year. I became quite numb.
When I was 16 I started using and abusing, whatever I could get. My grades plummeted from 3.9 to 3.0 in my senior year, but it was easy enough to graduate. I continued to drink and drug along, working but not having the focus to go to school.
Dad gets a few DUI's and finally gets treatment for his alcoholism, and is sober. I move in with him at 22 away from the rest of the family. I get to know him a bit more then. you can't really get to know a drunk when they are drinking.
6 years later we are shopping, and he dies in my arms from a heart attack. I will never forget that feeling of powerlessness.
I was angrier than ever. I drink hard for a couple of more years and finally quit.
Later I find out he sexually abused my older sisters before I was born. WTF do you do with that, how do you process that? He was my dad. They are my sisters.
I have never shaken this volatility and anger. I feel like a lit fuse is sticking out of my head at any time.
Call it a vent, call it a rant. Feels better to type it out.
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21-11-2015, 01:01 PM
RE: Old scars from loss
Hug I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that.

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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21-11-2015, 01:08 PM
RE: Old scars from loss
That's a lot to deal with. Especially hard with situations like your father, when you kind of feel as though your emotions are wrong, somehow (they aren't wrong, IMO, just really complicated).

Hug
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21-11-2015, 01:09 PM
RE: Old scars from loss
You obviously had it tough, but you can go buy following his footsteps with alcoholism or you can learn from his mistakes and become a better man your self. Tough life only makes you stronger. You can't live the rest of your life looking back to your misfortunes, you have to leave that behind and focus on your self. I k ow its easier said then done but life is short, don't let your past effect your future please. Heart

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21-11-2015, 01:18 PM
RE: Old scars from loss
Thank you both for taking the time to read and respond.
I think my dad had been abused. He moved away from his family and I think one sister had visited when I was too young to remember, but I never had any contact with his family. He effectively walled them off. When asked about his childhood, he replied "you'll never know".
He was already an alcoholic at 17 when he lied about his age and went to the Pacific with the Marines in WW2. He was immersed in so much death there. He would not talk about it but my uncle did say some things. I know he suffered "shell shock", and what we now call PTSD. He was a very creative and intelligent, and sad man all at the same time.
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21-11-2015, 01:19 PM
RE: Old scars from loss
Izel, thank you. I quit drinking 25 years ago now and I don't think I'd ever go back.
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21-11-2015, 01:44 PM
RE: Old scars from loss
I'm so sorry about what you have had to endure. People go through so much pain and loss and your story is proof of this.

Sometimes when I read about people like your father I consider them not as evil or horrible but someone who reacted to situations of life in a flawed way. He probably wasn't a bad person but had bad things happen to him and no one took the time to help the man out when he was young. Psychological help was just not sought out in his day.

I really think we live in a more civilized society despite all the recent craziness in the news. Most sane people now know that alcoholism and drug use isn't a sign of the devil or Satan or god punishing someone. Civilized people don't blame a person for using drugs after such painful circumstances, instead they encourage them to get help and therapy.

It does sound like you have had a lot of shitty things happen to you. You most likely would benefit from a really good therapist so you can come to terms with the loss and heartache. None of this is your fault.

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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21-11-2015, 02:01 PM
RE: Old scars from loss
Some of us get dealt a real shit hand in this life. We don't create it and we aren't taught how to deal with it.

I am sorry for the many losses and letdowns in your life. We could probably talk for hours about trying to erase those things from your life.

I also went the drug route. I drank some but it was never my drug of choice. I have actually drank very little in my life partly because of my fear of turning out alcoholic like my parents and many other family members. Funny that you don't seem to see it when you replace one substance with another. Many of us self medicate.

There are things I wish I could put out of my mind...but they never really seem to go away as they are part of what I am and what I have lived through. Sometimes they are buried more deeply...sometimes right at the surface and threatening to lash out at others.

I'm around if you want to talk...if you don't want to talk, know that you don't walk this path alone.

Hugs.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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21-11-2015, 02:39 PM
RE: Old scars from loss
(21-11-2015 12:52 PM)skyking Wrote:  WTF do you do with that, how do you process that?.

There it is, right there. Much of your story - you were simply too young to process it and it's sitting in a file in your brain that has not been marked closed. And your dad's death and subsequent learning what he did to your sisters - again too difficult to process, a battle field of opposing thoughts and emotions.

These type issues, events that have not been fully processed, are often resolved well in talk therapy. Just talking to an impartial person can help. What else can help is writing it all down - every detail of what happened, so your brain can re-process....or you can draw it or paint it, even if you are no good at it, it is still an outlet that lets you review things.

Sorry all that happened to you. Life sucks sometimes...especially when you find the need to re-visit bad experiences. Maybe you can keep writing about it here, or see a psychologist....

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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21-11-2015, 02:45 PM
RE: Old scars from loss
You have sympathetic ears here if you want to talk.

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
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