Open Marriages - thoughts?
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19-12-2015, 11:16 PM
RE: Open Marriages - thoughts?
(19-12-2015 10:09 PM)Deidre32 Wrote:  I've known only a handful of people who subscribe to an 'open marriage,' and they seem to be 'happy.' But, it just makes one wonder...why get married, then? According to this article, open relationships will be a positive for the longevity of marriages. But, if you're interested in dating others, why get married? Because if things don't work out, you still have the burden of going through a divorce, even if you are in an open relationship. So, why not just stay single and date?

Posted this elsewhere, and thought I'd ask you all here what you think?

I'm not contemplating having mine be open Big Grin, but I'm just posing the question here for a hopefully interesting discussion on the topic.

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/...open-marriage/

First your link didn't work for me.

There are some advantages to an open marriage:
More freedom to express yourself sexually.
More adventure in your life that is not just what your partner may want.
Being able to have that adventure but still have a home based relationship that is your main emotional/physical/financial support.

There are lots of disadvantages:
If the couple are not mature enough to handle their spouse having other lovers.
Possible emotional attachments with the others you play with.
If the rules and boundaries are not respected.

I went through an exploratory phase after my divorce and sort of stumbled into the kink community. I was mostly an observer at the functions or events that I went to. I wanted to understand the dynamics of the kink lifestyles, dom/sub, open marriages and poly relationships, swingers. I wanted to know about manipulations and controls and vulnerabilities before I considered participating. It was one of the most interesting researches I've ever done.

What I observed was 90% of the poly relationships were dominate men (Doms) having sexual, kink as well as emotional relationships with others and their submissive (subs) wives or gf tolerating it (or in many case not tolerating it) in order to keep their man. It was basically a "he said I'm poly and I will have whatever women or men I want, as your Dom and if you love me you'll accept me for who I am" or "unless you want to move on you'll accept it". There were about 5% of mutual poly relationships and 5% where the female was the poly and the male monogamous.

For the most part the women were stuck with the fuzzy end of the lollipop and eventually many/most of the couples would split. My observations of this community lasted just over 2 yrs.

There were some swingers where there were no emotional relationships just free-for-all sex at parties. These seemed stronger in their relationship part.

I am for consenting adults to maintain any type of healthy relationships they want. What others do is not really my business.

I considered being a third (unicorn) in a poly relationship just for the companionship and sex with no responsibly to the male or his other partner and I do have the emotional maturity to do it, as I have no jealousy and I understand there are all kinds of love. I chose not to because I saw too many women who were coerced into accepting this lifestyle by their dominating man. I don't and never have cheated, I don't enable cheating/lying in others, so I couldn't do the poly thing because I felt I could or would be causing harm to the other woman in his life. I won't cause others harm, not even to serve my own selfish needs.

I finally dropped the whole kink thing (after some experimenting in some fun stuff which I would still like to explore with a monogamous partner) as I felt (maybe wrongly) that there was too much emotional damage and too many vulnerable people hurt to satisfy too few manipulators. This was my experience and only with a small segment of a subset of society so... YMMV.

I am not particularly interested in marriage, though I won't say never. I want sex, companionship and love. I do not need a legal commitment to have that. But I have decided that I am monogamous and an open relationship is not for me.

That they might be more popular in the future, maybe but not in my lifetime, I think. We as human beings, in our prudish society, are just not mature enough for it yet. IMO

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19-12-2015, 11:23 PM
RE: Open Marriages - thoughts?
(19-12-2015 10:55 PM)jennybee Wrote:  I think it would be hard not to get jealous in an open marriage. I think that would be the most difficult part and could ultimately cause problems in your rship.

I mean both people get upset about each other sleeping with other people while agreeing to this type of marriage, they are both pretty stupid for agreeing to it.

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19-12-2015, 11:25 PM
RE: Open Marriages - thoughts?
Heatheness - Think it's a bit of a stretch to suggest that someone only interested in monogamy is immature. lol But, you're entitled to your opinion. I don't judge anyone's desire to have an open relationship, I just don't see why such a person would wish to be married. To enter into a legal binding contract, if you're interested in dating others. It seems to cheapen things, and turn people into a buffet of sorts. Well, Bob doesn't get me off properly, so...think I'll go find someone else. But, Bob is smart and successful, so I'll stay with him for stability. Poor Bob.

Yakherder, you made some great points. I think it is a struggle between what seems to be acceptable, and our biology...our urges. Our innate instincts. Very good insight.

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19-12-2015, 11:31 PM
RE: Open Marriages - thoughts?
Relationships should be like wine, they mellow and taste better the older they are. I know mine does.

We’ve known each other 28 years and been married for 26. I can’t imagine betraying her trust and hurting her and I think she feels the same way.

To say that temptation isn’t part of life is absurd and monogamy is not for everyone but having a trusting relationship to me sure beats whatever comes in second.

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19-12-2015, 11:32 PM (This post was last modified: 19-12-2015 11:48 PM by jennybee.)
RE: Open Marriages - thoughts?
I think there are so many different types of rships nowadays and I think people need to do what feels right to them and what is right for their rship.

I personally think I would get way too jealous. But like you mentioned, Heatheness, not everyone gets jealous over things like that and as such, may be able to balance that type of rship with marriage. I think this was a really good point.

Like I say, I know I am not one of those people and I know I would get jealous Tongue That said, I do think both people in the rship should take care in their appearance and put some effort into themselves in order to keep each other physically attracted. Physical attraction is not the most important thing in a rship, but I do think its important to look good for each other and to take the effort. I also believe in using role play, watching porn together, and being open to exploring each other's fantasies. I'm also a fan of tantric sex and Kama Sutra. I think those things help maintain a monogamous and sexually fulfilling rship, IMO.
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19-12-2015, 11:39 PM
RE: Open Marriages - thoughts?
(19-12-2015 11:23 PM)Metazoa Zeke Wrote:  
(19-12-2015 10:55 PM)jennybee Wrote:  I think it would be hard not to get jealous in an open marriage. I think that would be the most difficult part and could ultimately cause problems in your rship.

I mean both people get upset about each other sleeping with other people while agreeing to this type of marriage, they are both pretty stupid for agreeing to it.

I would agree but sometimes people end up doing things out of desire and not really thinking them through or thinking they can handle various situations that arise and then can't.
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19-12-2015, 11:41 PM
RE: Open Marriages - thoughts?
(19-12-2015 11:31 PM)Full Circle Wrote:  Relationships should be like wine, they mellow and taste better the older they are. I know mine does.

We’ve known each other 28 years and been married for 26. I can’t imagine betraying her trust and hurting her and I think she feels the same way.

To say that temptation isn’t part of life is absurd and monogamy is not for everyone but having a trusting relationship to me sure beats whatever comes in second.

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19-12-2015, 11:42 PM
RE: Open Marriages - thoughts?
(19-12-2015 11:25 PM)Deidre32 Wrote:  Heatheness - Think it's a bit of a stretch to suggest that someone only interested in monogamy is immature. lol But, you're entitled to your opinion. I don't judge anyone's desire to have an open relationship, I just don't see why such a person would wish to be married. To enter into a legal binding contract, if you're interested in dating others. It seems to cheapen things, and turn people into a buffet of sorts. Well, Bob doesn't get me off properly, so...think I'll go find someone else. But, Bob is smart and successful, so I'll stay with him for stability. Poor Bob.

Yakherder, you made some great points. I think it is a struggle between what seems to be acceptable, and our biology...our urges. Our innate instincts. Very good insight.

That's not exactly what I said or maybe meant. Understanding that there are many kinds of love and that you can in fact love and be in love with more than one person is a maturity thing as well. You may not choose to and that doesn't make you immature but in order to do it and do it well you must have that level of maturity.

You also seem to have started a supposedly open discussion on open relationships but instead are now judging them rather harshly, "It seems to cheapen things, and turn people into a buffet of sorts. Well, Bob doesn't get me off properly, so...think I'll go find someone else. But, Bob is smart and successful, so I'll stay with him for stability. Poor Bob."

If your intent was to judge them why not be forthcoming in the beginning so as not to sandbag contributors to the discussion who do not necessarily follow your narrow view.

And this, "I just don't see why such a person would wish to be married. To enter into a legal binding contract, if you're interested in dating others." So with this mindset of only one to love and having more than one cheapens the relationship, does this mean you'll only have one child. Because if you really love that child why would you have more than one? Will it cheapen the relationship to have two or three children?

What are you really saying?

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20-12-2015, 12:03 AM
RE: Open Marriages - thoughts?
(19-12-2015 11:31 PM)Full Circle Wrote:  Relationships should be like wine, they mellow and taste better the older they are. I know mine does.

We’ve known each other 28 years and been married for 26. I can’t imagine betraying her trust and hurting her and I think she feels the same way.

To say that temptation isn’t part of life is absurd and monogamy is not for everyone but having a trusting relationship to me sure beats whatever comes in second.

What you said up there ^ is exactly how I feel.

It also seems like it would take a lot of time and trouble to have an open marriage. Like you'd have to keep track of more stuff in your life or something. It's too complicated for my simple brain.

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Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
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Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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20-12-2015, 12:11 AM (This post was last modified: 20-12-2015 12:15 AM by Deidre32.)
RE: Open Marriages - thoughts?
I don't understand it more from a pragmatic point ... Why get or stay married if you want to date others? If my future spouse wants to sleep with others then why would we get married? I don't judge the morality of it more of I don't see why people would bother staying married? I don't believe however in changing definitions to suit our own agendas. To avoid the hassle of a divorce, here's the next best option. To each their own, we are all different. I would just feel like I was betraying the person who I took vows with ...I would rather divorce but that's just me.

All of this said, yakherder...your points are stuck in my head and there is a part of me that has always felt we weren't built for monogamy from a purely biological standpoint. Marriage has been around for a long time though, it started as a pagan custom to keep families and communities in order.

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