Open Marriages - thoughts?
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20-12-2015, 02:41 PM
RE: Open Marriages - thoughts?
(20-12-2015 12:09 PM)Erxomai Wrote:  Yes. "Falling in love" with more than one person isn't just a sexual issue, nor does it mean you're completely unhappy in the marriage. I'm envisioning a situation where a person loves their spouse, they still have a sexual relationship, the person doesn't want to leave the marriage, nor does the person want to sleep around with random people. But they've discovered that they love another person, but they don't want to leave their marriage, nor do they want to be with this person full-time or introduce them to their married partner, they simply have discovered themselves to have the capacity to love more than one person. Maybe this is where the term polyamory applies, but I don't know enough about that to speak to it.

My name is Dug and I have just met you and I love you.




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20-12-2015, 02:52 PM
RE: Open Marriages - thoughts?
Daily chart
When the embers grow cold
Feb 14th 2014, 15:24 BY F.C., L.P. AND K.N.C.
Timekeeper
How divorce and marriage compare internationally

IT IS not a seven year itch: the unlucky number is 13.6. That is the average length of a marriage before a divorce in the mostly rich countries of the OECD. Italians stick it out longest (perhaps because formal separation is lengthy and expensive). Americans, stereotypically impatient, only stay together eight years before divvying up the wedding gifts. Qatar, where polygamy is legal, has both a short length of marriage prior to a divorce and low divorce rate. Across Europe the divorce rate is around 2.5 for every 1,000 people; America’s is 3.6. As for marriage, the rate in many Western countries has long declined, but plateaued in recent years. (In Russia and China the rate has increased). Sobering data as one reflects on the hard work of romance—and a reminder to stoke the flames of those relationships that still burn on this Valentine’s Day.

Aricle here.

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20-12-2015, 03:07 PM
RE: Open Marriages - thoughts?
(20-12-2015 02:52 PM)Banjo Wrote:  Daily chart
When the embers grow cold
Feb 14th 2014, 15:24 BY F.C., L.P. AND K.N.C.
Timekeeper
How divorce and marriage compare internationally

IT IS not a seven year itch: the unlucky number is 13.6. That is the average length of a marriage before a divorce in the mostly rich countries of the OECD. Italians stick it out longest (perhaps because formal separation is lengthy and expensive). Americans, stereotypically impatient, only stay together eight years before divvying up the wedding gifts. Qatar, where polygamy is legal, has both a short length of marriage prior to a divorce and low divorce rate. Across Europe the divorce rate is around 2.5 for every 1,000 people; America’s is 3.6. As for marriage, the rate in many Western countries has long declined, but plateaued in recent years. (In Russia and China the rate has increased). Sobering data as one reflects on the hard work of romance—and a reminder to stoke the flames of those relationships that still burn on this Valentine’s Day.

Aricle here.

I made it to ten years with my ex, but I would say that after year 8 things started getting worse and I just kept hoping it would get better, which it obviously didn't since we ended things. I know in my situation, I just felt like there were too many differences and as time went on, we just grew further and further apart in every possible way. I think this happens with a lot of rships. It just got to the point where I felt taken for granted and while I didn't do it, I can see how some may find the intimacy they need with someone else who is willing to give it. I do think many people get comfortable in rships and just take the other person for granted and stop trying. This, IMO, is why so many people end up leaving rships. I think you need to keep rships fun and exciting. I think if you share similar interests this can really help and if you are both fully invested in cultivating the rship, it has a much greater chance of lasting, IMO.

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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20-12-2015, 03:11 PM
RE: Open Marriages - thoughts?
(20-12-2015 02:52 PM)Banjo Wrote:  IT IS not a seven year itch: the unlucky number is 13.6. That is the average length of a marriage before a divorce in the mostly rich countries of the OECD.

The books I read on the subject also criticized the phrase "Seven-Year Itch", but because the research showed the dopamine-reward effect actually wore off before then. I suspect that 13.6 number equates to 5 years of dopamine-reward, followed by 8.6 years of "sticking together for the kids" (or other societal expectations) before someone is discovered cheating and insta-divorce, or the couple have both finally Had Enough™.

"Theology made no provision for evolution. The biblical authors had missed the most important revelation of all! Could it be that they were not really privy to the thoughts of God?" - E. O. Wilson
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20-12-2015, 03:28 PM
RE: Open Marriages - thoughts?
(20-12-2015 03:11 PM)RocketSurgeon76 Wrote:  The books I read on the subject also criticized the phrase "Seven-Year Itch", but because the research showed the dopamine-reward effect actually wore off before then. I suspect that 13.6 number equates to 5 years of dopamine-reward, followed by 8.6 years of "sticking together for the kids" (or other societal expectations) before someone is discovered cheating and insta-divorce, or the couple have both finally Had Enough™.

Goddam RocketMan. Me and Manly been together for over 3 decades. No 7 or 13 year itchy itchies. What is this dopamine test you are suggesting? I doubt its validity. ... I regularly exogenously manipulate my dopamine.

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20-12-2015, 03:37 PM
RE: Open Marriages - thoughts?
(20-12-2015 03:28 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  Goddam RocketMan. Me and Manly been together for over 3 decades. No 7 or 13 year itchy itchies. What is this dopamine test you are suggesting? I doubt its validity. ... I regularly exogenously manipulate my dopamine.

The 3rd-tier system "reactivates" and refreshes the dopamine system; it's how people who have been married 30+ years can still be in love. That's the whole point; some people aren't really (or well) capable of that tertiary bonding, and thus their dopamine-reward "runs out" in time, for them.

"Theology made no provision for evolution. The biblical authors had missed the most important revelation of all! Could it be that they were not really privy to the thoughts of God?" - E. O. Wilson
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20-12-2015, 03:49 PM (This post was last modified: 20-12-2015 04:34 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: Open Marriages - thoughts?
(20-12-2015 03:37 PM)RocketSurgeon76 Wrote:  
(20-12-2015 03:28 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  Goddam RocketMan. Me and Manly been together for over 3 decades. No 7 or 13 year itchy itchies. What is this dopamine test you are suggesting? I doubt its validity. ... I regularly exogenously manipulate my dopamine.

The 3rd-tier system "reactivates" and refreshes the dopamine system; it's how people who have been married 30+ years can still be in love. That's the whole point; some people aren't really (or well) capable of that tertiary bonding, and thus their dopamine-reward "runs out" in time, for them.

The fuck is that 3rd-tier woo shit, RocketMan. Dude, I take Wellbutrin and some other shit to dick with my dopamine directly. My dopamine levels are under my direct control. As are all my neurotransmitters and hormones.

I'm not the man they think I am, at all, I'm a Rocket Man.



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20-12-2015, 04:18 PM
RE: Open Marriages - thoughts?
(19-12-2015 10:09 PM)Deidre32 Wrote:  I've known only a handful of people who subscribe to an 'open marriage,' and they seem to be 'happy.' But, it just makes one wonder...why get married, then?
Depends on your definition of marriage, your purpose for having a marriage partner, your sex drive and outlook on sex.
Because of all this, it can be a complex topic as people choose to navigate their paths through life differently.

What's nice about the idea of "open marriage" is that both partners agree to come to this arrangement. Kind of like an employment contract, if you are not happy with the arrangement then don't sign it, instead move on before it's too late.
There are many instances where a married person (for whatever reason) wants to pursue potential bed fellows. If you are this type of person, it only seems fair to be open about it with your potential "marriage" partner and let them know what the future holds rather than to sneak around behind their backs. Ultimately getting caught and ending up in a bitter divorce. The "victim" might be someone who has sacrificed their job career in order to bring up children and might end up being in an unexpected and unwanted position of being a solo mum, having not worked for 7 years (hence poor job prospects) and having to look after three young dependent children (also impacting ability to get back into the workforce).

But of course life isn't fair and we shouldn't expect it to be so. Perhaps someone who wants to have lots of sex partners, also wants to have children (primarily to one woman) and wants someone to cook and clean and look after the kids. If they are confident enough and honest enough then perhaps they go into relationships (looking for a marriage partner) and explain that they want an open relationship, open marriage. If they are not confident enough, or feel that the potential partner, that they are really keen on, won't be open to the idea then they may take the sneaking around route. Some people just like the danger aspect to it, it gives them thrills to think that they might potentially get caught.

Some people may go into a marriage with full honest intent to be faithful, but their desire for new sexual partners might be too strong for them to resist, perhaps they may get tempted and think that it is unlikely that they will get caught. In this situation it might be a bit late in the day to approach your wife and mum of three with your desire to have an "open marriage".

I would think, in order to make an "open marriage" work you would need to sort out what the marriage means to you. Why is one of your sex partners special and you live with them, go on holidays with them, bring children up with them, what would make that partner feel special?

And of what use are your mistresses? Do they become long term relationships too? Do you spend holiday time with them? Do you have children with them? Or do they last a few months only, once the lust aspect wears off they then go?
What is the risk that you may become a hopeless romantic, deciding you have found your one true love and it would be lying to yourself and going against the forces of the universe for you to continue with your own wife?
What is the risk of picking up STDs and passing that onto your wife or husband?

Anyway, "open marriage" isn't for me. If I see a pretty girl, I don't feel that I have to get physical with her. I wouldn't like to catch any STDs. I wouldn't like to have children with people other than my wife. I wouldn't like my wife having intimate moments with other people. I want sex with my wife to feel somewhat special, not just something I do with lots of people including my wife. I want my wife and kids to feel that I am fully committed to the family rather than pursuing other women.
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20-12-2015, 04:50 PM
RE: Open Marriages - thoughts?
Open marriage doesn't have to mean you both go out every Friday lookin for some lustin! Rolleyes

Sex is as natural a thing to want to take part in as eating! YOU HAD DINNER WITH A FRIEND!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!!! You're MY wife!!!1! You only eat with ME!!!!!! ... wtf Dodgy Me me me, mine mine mine! Sometimes you just hit it off with a stranger on a business trip! You'll never see em again! When you're done, you still go home to rub your lovers feet!

So long as my wife doesn't bring the dude into MY house, and does him in MY bed, have at 'em! It'll still be my dirty laundry she washes on occasion, and our house she decorates with a woman's touch!

So getting myself into an open marriage = I love the girl, but I ain't gonna get all bent out of shape if she slips up once in a while! Cuz shit happens! Blush

Maybe, one o these days, I'll be lured into another purely monogamous relationship, tho! Cuz shit happens! Tongue

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20-12-2015, 05:12 PM
RE: Open Marriages - thoughts?
(20-12-2015 04:18 PM)Stevil Wrote:  
(19-12-2015 10:09 PM)Deidre32 Wrote:  I've known only a handful of people who subscribe to an 'open marriage,' and they seem to be 'happy.' But, it just makes one wonder...why get married, then?
Depends on your definition of marriage, your purpose for having a marriage partner, your sex drive and outlook on sex.
Because of all this, it can be a complex topic as people choose to navigate their paths through life differently.

What's nice about the idea of "open marriage" is that both partners agree to come to this arrangement. Kind of like an employment contract, if you are not happy with the arrangement then don't sign it, instead move on before it's too late.
There are many instances where a married person (for whatever reason) wants to pursue potential bed fellows. If you are this type of person, it only seems fair to be open about it with your potential "marriage" partner and let them know what the future holds rather than to sneak around behind their backs. Ultimately getting caught and ending up in a bitter divorce. The "victim" might be someone who has sacrificed their job career in order to bring up children and might end up being in an unexpected and unwanted position of being a solo mum, having not worked for 7 years (hence poor job prospects) and having to look after three young dependent children (also impacting ability to get back into the workforce).

But of course life isn't fair and we shouldn't expect it to be so. Perhaps someone who wants to have lots of sex partners, also wants to have children (primarily to one woman) and wants someone to cook and clean and look after the kids. If they are confident enough and honest enough then perhaps they go into relationships (looking for a marriage partner) and explain that they want an open relationship, open marriage. If they are not confident enough, or feel that the potential partner, that they are really keen on, won't be open to the idea then they may take the sneaking around route. Some people just like the danger aspect to it, it gives them thrills to think that they might potentially get caught.

Some people may go into a marriage with full honest intent to be faithful, but their desire for new sexual partners might be too strong for them to resist, perhaps they may get tempted and think that it is unlikely that they will get caught. In this situation it might be a bit late in the day to approach your wife and mum of three with your desire to have an "open marriage".

I would think, in order to make an "open marriage" work you would need to sort out what the marriage means to you. Why is one of your sex partners special and you live with them, go on holidays with them, bring children up with them, what would make that partner feel special?

And of what use are your mistresses? Do they become long term relationships too? Do you spend holiday time with them? Do you have children with them? Or do they last a few months only, once the lust aspect wears off they then go?
What is the risk that you may become a hopeless romantic, deciding you have found your one true love and it would be lying to yourself and going against the forces of the universe for you to continue with your own wife?
What is the risk of picking up STDs and passing that onto your wife or husband?

Anyway, "open marriage" isn't for me. If I see a pretty girl, I don't feel that I have to get physical with her. I wouldn't like to catch any STDs. I wouldn't like to have children with people other than my wife. I wouldn't like my wife having intimate moments with other people. I want sex with my wife to feel somewhat special, not just something I do with lots of people including my wife. I want my wife and kids to feel that I am fully committed to the family rather than pursuing other women.

I know that polygamy is not the subject, but here in the Dominican Republic one man with two live-in girls is more common than I had imagined it would be anywhere
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