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17-12-2016, 03:14 PM (This post was last modified: 18-12-2016 09:13 AM by ghostexorcist.)
Opinions needed
I took a creative writing class back in 2009 for a college English credit. My final project was heavily influenced by the 1976 John Wayne film The Shootist. What I really loved about the film was: 1) The main character, an aging gunslinger of some renown, is portrayed as living in the modern industrialized world of the early 1900s where his particular skill set has little use; and 2) he is dying of cancer and is forced to protect himself against youngbloods looking to make a name for themselves by killing him. It's truly an amazing movie, one that I thought would translate well as a Wuxia story. My project loosely adapted the main premise, but replaced the guns with swords and other such weapons.

I only recently gained access to the file with the complete story. I was hoping to get opinions from members here because I was thinking about expanding the narrative (time constraints at the time of writing forced me to end it somewhat abruptly). I had originally planned on there being a prolonged battle between the main character and the historical bandit White Wolf (who is mentioned in the story).

See the story here:

http://ghostexorcist.deviantart.com/art/...-651756782
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17-12-2016, 03:56 PM
RE: Opinions needed
I quite like the story.

The bit at the end where he cuts Madame Li's face seems strange though. Given that he called her there to atone for his sin, it's a bit strange that he compounds the sin just before he dies, and given that it is wuxia (as per the wikipedia article), shouldn't he be the chivalrous hero? i.e. best her swordsmanship and then let her depart honourably?

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(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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17-12-2016, 04:15 PM
RE: Opinions needed
(17-12-2016 03:56 PM)morondog Wrote:  I quite like the story.

The bit at the end where he cuts Madame Li's face seems strange though. Given that he called her there to atone for his sin, it's a bit strange that he compounds the sin just before he dies, and given that it is wuxia (as per the wikipedia article), shouldn't he be the chivalrous hero? i.e. best her swordsmanship and then let her depart honourably?

Thank you. The cutting was brought on by her stabbing her fingers into his ribcage. The story is titled after the main character's martial moniker, the "Savage Gentleman". He gained such a name because he is quick to anger (i.e. his chivalrous nature turns to savagery) if pushed. This is something I would like to touch on in an expanded storyline.
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17-12-2016, 04:49 PM
RE: Opinions needed
Hmmm. So he's not quite the pure-hearted hero, more of a human figure, if with super-human sword skill.

It's a pity he's so fucked by the cancer... also I'd like to hear more of his valourous deeds. He's so far defingered one bandit who's committed suicide as a result, and made sushi of one lady and her retainers... It'd be nice if he could commit a bit more slaughter before he pegs off... and also it'd be nice if he did it for some honourable reason rather than just because they came screaming at him. Like, if there was some incident in the town and he was the only guy who had the courage to face down the local warlord or something.

Sorry I'm rambling, and also this is your story not mine. I'm just channeling some of the martial arts movies I've watched.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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18-12-2016, 09:04 AM
RE: Opinions needed
(17-12-2016 04:49 PM)morondog Wrote:  Hmmm. So he's not quite the pure-hearted hero, more of a human figure, if with super-human sword skill.

It's a pity he's so fucked by the cancer... also I'd like to hear more of his valourous deeds. He's so far defingered one bandit who's committed suicide as a result, and made sushi of one lady and her retainers... It'd be nice if he could commit a bit more slaughter before he pegs off... and also it'd be nice if he did it for some honourable reason rather than just because they came screaming at him. Like, if there was some incident in the town and he was the only guy who had the courage to face down the local warlord or something.

Sorry I'm rambling, and also this is your story not mine. I'm just channeling some of the martial arts movies I've watched.

No need to apologize. I really appreciate the imput. I had planned on there being a space between his showdown with Madlim Li and the rebel White Wolf which serves as an informative introspection. It's while he's bedridden from his wounds that he talks with Yang the third about his past adventures and how the modern industrialized world has no place for men like him. He knows that White Wolf will surely come to seek revenge for the harm dealt to Li. Furthermore, he realizes White Wolf's rebellion is harming China and that the country will never know peace unless he's stopped. So Zhou decides to go out in a blaze of martial badassery in order to save the land. He mows through several of White Wolf's men and finally takes out the leader. He walks outside with the rebel's head in hand and gives a chilling speech to White Wolf's army, causing them to disband. He finally succumbs to his injuries and dies, having saved China.
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18-12-2016, 12:56 PM
RE: Opinions needed
(18-12-2016 09:04 AM)ghostexorcist Wrote:  
(17-12-2016 04:49 PM)morondog Wrote:  Hmmm. So he's not quite the pure-hearted hero, more of a human figure, if with super-human sword skill.

It's a pity he's so fucked by the cancer... also I'd like to hear more of his valourous deeds. He's so far defingered one bandit who's committed suicide as a result, and made sushi of one lady and her retainers... It'd be nice if he could commit a bit more slaughter before he pegs off... and also it'd be nice if he did it for some honourable reason rather than just because they came screaming at him. Like, if there was some incident in the town and he was the only guy who had the courage to face down the local warlord or something.

Sorry I'm rambling, and also this is your story not mine. I'm just channeling some of the martial arts movies I've watched.

No need to apologize. I really appreciate the imput. I had planned on there being a space between his showdown with Madlim Li and the rebel White Wolf which serves as an informative introspection. It's while he's bedridden from his wounds that he talks with Yang the third about his past adventures and how the modern industrialized world has no place for men like him. He knows that White Wolf will surely come to seek revenge for the harm dealt to Li. Furthermore, he realizes White Wolf's rebellion is harming China and that the country will never know peace unless he's stopped. So Zhou decides to go out in a blaze of martial badassery in order to save the land. He mows through several of White Wolf's men and finally takes out the leader. He walks outside with the rebel's head in hand and gives a chilling speech to White Wolf's army, causing them to disband. He finally succumbs to his injuries and dies, having saved China.

I wonder if his opponents shouldn't then have more modern weaponry, if he's bemoaning that he's becoming obsolete? Maybe guns and the like and just because he is that good he still fucks them up?

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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18-12-2016, 12:58 PM
RE: Opinions needed
Just a random thought: Yang the Third seems like possibly a choice as a narrator of the story? Maybe telling it from a first person eyewitness point of view to a traveller many years later?

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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18-12-2016, 04:32 PM
RE: Opinions needed
I liked it, however it read a little bit too fast.

I would of liked a slower, more descriptive pace.

I feel so much, and yet I feel nothing.
I am a rock, I am the sky, the birds and the trees and everything beyond.
I am the wind, in the fields in which I roar. I am the water, in which I drown.
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18-12-2016, 07:13 PM
RE: Opinions needed
(18-12-2016 12:56 PM)morondog Wrote:  I wonder if his opponents shouldn't then have more modern weaponry, if he's bemoaning that he's becoming obsolete? Maybe guns and the like and just because he is that good he still fucks them up?

(18-12-2016 12:58 PM)morondog Wrote:  Just a random thought: Yang the Third seems like possibly a choice as a narrator of the story? Maybe telling it from a first person eyewitness point of view to a traveller many years later?

Very good suggestions.

(18-12-2016 04:32 PM)bemore Wrote:  I liked it, however it read a little bit too fast.

I would of liked a slower, more descriptive pace.

I feel ya. I don't normally write stories, so I need to experiment with my pacing.
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18-12-2016, 07:54 PM
RE: Opinions needed
As a martial artist, I do think performing any of it would be tough to do with cancer. Cancer makes one quite weak.

At least in my experience. For example, I cannot concentrate enough to read your story now and must wait until later.

I think this sort of weakness is almost a character in itself.

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