Pain
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19-07-2017, 01:21 PM
Pain
So yea, life sucks. Then you die. And that's the only real "truth" in this world. And until I experience otherwise I'm gonna call bullshit on anyone who challenges this. From what I see the best people ever achieve is a form of self delusion, cognitive dissonance where some part of them is aware of this but they lie to themselves and everyone around them.

Anyway, I'm sitting here at my computer thinking a thought that keeps running through my mind almost every damn day. "I want to do something," I don't want to be sitting here all day, I wanna clean my house, I wanna ride my bike, I wanna go offloading in my truck (well ok I'll need a job before I can consider that). I wanna lift weights, do martial arts, walk my dog, cook something good to eat, or just fucking do something ANYTHING that isn't in front of my computer screen, at least for a few min. Like I feel so caged in my own body.

But the fire burns inside me and I really want to do something, so I start to get up. And then the pain hits, right in the center of my spine. Feels like giant invisible hands are squeezing and twisting my spine as if they were wringing out a mop. And then my thoughts change, If I do _____ how long will my body hurt after? Is there anything I can do today that won't leave me bedridden for the next few days?

Yup sucks.

The Dr's say I have Fibromyalgia. Fuck if I know, all I know is I can down 2000MG of Ibuprofen and it does absolutely fucking nothing, so I give up on pain killers. But I do know something that helps with the pain, doesn't eliminate it, but helps. When I have it I can get up and do things and not fall apart after. I still hurt but life becomes bearable. It's weird, little things, someone walking up behind me and placing their hand on my back and rubbing it, hope of maybe getting a job, having a job and making ends meet. Getting to see humans around me, laughing, smiling, spending time with people.

The things that make it feel worse? Loneliness.

A good day is a day where someone treats me like I matter, almost like I have friends. I mean I'm not stupid enough to delude myself into thinking I'm surrounded by friends ever. But it's nice to feel that way even for a moment. Even if I know it's ultimately a lie. And since people isn't really the best route as they are fucking evil hateful pitiful things incapable of loving anything other than themselves, well then immersing myself in breaking things down, putting them together, fixing them, altering them to do new things. I like to tinker and being able to do that can be almost as good as having people around.

I hate unsolvable puzzles. And what I hate most of all is life is an unsolvable puzzle (specifically the pain, relationship, stability thing)

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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19-07-2017, 01:35 PM
RE: Pain
Wow Jesse, I'm so sorry that you have to endure that pain all the time. I wish I could be one of the people there to offer you support- giving you a hug or a hand shake or just chatting over a drink or a coffee or something occasionally.

I think you seem like a decent person. I know we don't agree on some things, but that's okay- that would just make for some interesting conversations. Anyway- the best I can offer you is an internet hug, which unfortunately doesn't help you get away from your computer screen.

Best wishes friend, I hope things get better for you soon.

Hug

Emma
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19-07-2017, 01:38 PM
RE: Pain
People are like a drug, when you share happiness and love with them you feel invincible, and when they isolate you, abandon you, and shun you, you feel like death would be better.

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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19-07-2017, 02:11 PM
RE: Pain
Get a pet? Dogs and cats can be super therapeutic that way, they deliver the same touchy-feely comfort people do, and they love you unconditionally. Plus you can cuddle most any time you like....

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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19-07-2017, 02:23 PM
RE: Pain
I don't feel your pain.

But

I do feel mine.

I've had continuous pain since my last major accident in 2001. Some days better than others, but it's always there.

So I do have an idea what you're living with. I have avoided pain drugs as well. Even if they do work, it's usually only for a while, and you'll likely find you need more and more over time.

For me, it's all about distraction. I try to keep busy enough that I don't sit and dwell on the shit.

No easy answers..

Just keep at it.

.......................................

The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
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19-07-2017, 02:28 PM
RE: Pain
(19-07-2017 02:11 PM)Dom Wrote:  Get a pet? Dogs and cats can be super therapeutic that way, they deliver the same touchy-feely comfort people do, and they love you unconditionally. Plus you can cuddle most any time you like....

I have a wonderfully amazing Doggy and Kitty, they are perfect in every conceivable way for such companions to be. I couldn't possibly ask for better companions in life. At least with regards to the non human variety, and they get tons of hugs and snuggles and belly rubs (despite my cat not being overly fond of belly rubs lol). However there's simply no replacement for human contact. There just isn't.

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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19-07-2017, 02:40 PM
RE: Pain
Can you sit somewhere other than in front of the computer without any more pain than in front of it? Volunteering in a position that involves doing something sitting down would get you out there among people. What I'm hearing under your words is that you want to feel valued. Want your time to be worth something. Please think about looking into volunteering. Human contact. Yeah. You need that in your life. Local senior center maybe? Local animal shelter if your heart can stand it.

I feel for you. I have chronic pain as well. I too took a lot of ibuprofen until I finally got a prescription for a stronger anti-inflammatory and it helps some.

Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?
"Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know." ~ Morticia Addams
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19-07-2017, 03:02 PM
RE: Pain
(19-07-2017 02:40 PM)outtathereligioncloset Wrote:  Can you sit somewhere other than in front of the computer without any more pain than in front of it? Volunteering in a position that involves doing something sitting down would get you out there among people. What I'm hearing under your words is that you want to feel valued. Want your time to be worth something. Please think about looking into volunteering. Human contact. Yeah. You need that in your life. Local senior center maybe? Local animal shelter if your heart can stand it.

I feel for you. I have chronic pain as well. I too took a lot of ibuprofen until I finally got a prescription for a stronger anti-inflammatory and it helps some.

Yea.... it's not a treatable illness. Just talked to my dr recently about it too. Sitting doesn't eliminate pain, it simply reduces it a small amount. The worst is the back pain and sitting can help with that a lot, or laying down. Pretty much the only suitable job I can do is one in front of a computer but the only jobs people consider me qualified to do are labor positions. My dad was trying to tell me I should go get a job as a packer at a farm...... Just an example. But then the assumption around here is that I'm cognitively disabled with a low IQ. Because whenever I speak "I can't understand what you're saying." ....yea.... not joking. I've been called an Alien, all sorts of random shit because I use big words no one round here can understand. I mean I'm a computer science major, wanna talk about data encapsulation? WAN networking protocols? Ever set up a network using EIGRP? BGP? RIP2? Ever deploy and enterprise grade active directory environment? Are you familiar with HyperV or Vsphere? Wireshark packet capturing? I mean, I am but apparently that makes me low IQ around here. So everyone tells me I should be a Walmart greeter or a Packer, or a grunt on an oil rig. And employers around here rarely higher IT folks. There just isn't work in my field unless I can have some distant rich relative leave me 10,000 dollars or so. Then maybe I could afford to relocate and live a few months while I land a position.

I need a job that pays dude..... No I won't consider volunteering when I can't even reliably feed myself every day. Especially when it's an hour drive to town. I couldn't afford the gas.

However, what I have done is send out some resume's in the distant hope someone will consider hiring a person with an A.S. degree. And if I can land one of those positions eventually I can maybe go back to college and work on my B.S. either that or get some certifications in my field.

Ultimately the human contact problem isn't going to be solved by getting a job, or moving. Isolation is what it is, it's followed me around for 35 years now. It would be unreasonable to expect that to ever change at this point.

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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19-07-2017, 03:05 PM
RE: Pain
Good luck. Hang in there.

Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?
"Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know." ~ Morticia Addams
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19-07-2017, 03:08 PM
RE: Pain
I highly recommend you play this game all the way to the end.

http://www.necessarygames.com/my-games/loneliness

It's not my game, but when I found it and played it I kinda started crying a shit ton before completing it, I wasn't even sure why. And I'm not the kind of person that ever cries.

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
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