Parenting: "Whoopings"/Spanking your kids/Other forms of discipline
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22-10-2015, 08:19 AM
RE: Parenting: "Whoopings"/Spanking your kids/Other forms of discipline
My parents beat me with a belt and also hit me in the face and knocked me down a couple of times. My father would always say he was doing it out of love. And that was a true statement, as he got off on being violent towards someone who wasn't allowed to hit back. Being spanked did not convince me I had done something wrong. It just made me hate and fear my father and work to hide everything from him, because there was no telling what would be considered wrong behavior.

So, no, I don't spank. Basically I parent the exact opposite of the way I was parented. When my son was younger, I used rewards and consequences, including temporary loss of favorite toys/screen time, etc., but no physical punishment. Another reason for me to avoid physical punishment: this often backfires--triggers violent behaviors--when used on autism spectrum kids. Of course there were plenty of times when I wanted to smack my kid because I was so angry at him. The objective, though, has always been getting my son to understand and accept behavior expectations. Reasoning and rewards usually have worked the best for him.

I've heard many people defend the spankings that they received as children and that they give their own kids. I don't say unequivocally that spanking is wrong, but I do think there are more effective ways than physical punishment to shape kids' behavior.

I would never use a shame-based punishment like taking pictures of my kid in "prison clothes" and posting them on the internet. Disgusting, and terrible parenting IMO.
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22-10-2015, 08:50 AM
RE: Parenting: "Whoopings"/Spanking your kids/Other forms of discipline
I'm one who turned out good despite the beatings. My kids get the talking and consequences, as has been mentioned. I'll ask this- how many would beat their puppy for pooping in the house? Kids are a lot smarter than puppies, but still have a lot to learn, and boundaries are are a big area to learn.

As far as how smart a person has to be to make babies, I remember this quote from somewhere:

"Children are a precision product of unskilled manual labor"
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22-10-2015, 09:03 AM
RE: Parenting: "Whoopings"/Spanking your kids/Other forms of discipline
'Positive parenting' informs us that children respond much better to positive reinforcement than negative discouragement in achieving desired behavioural adjustments. The premise is: Praise the good behaviour and ignore the bad.

Any child craves attention - whatever flavour that attention comes in. If the parent mostly ignores their child and only responds when the child disobeys the rules (assuming the rules are known) then the child knows that acting up achieves attention... any attention... and that's what they do. Alternatively, a child is much more likely to try to repeat good behaviour if that is what invites attention. And, of course, positive attention is always more welcome than negative.

Praise needs to be specific for it to have any value to the child. There's no point in just saying "Great picture, sweetheart". What is great? "You've really been careful to stay within the lines colouring the dog" (even if the dog looks like a turd), "Well done, you put on your t-shirt all by yourself" (even though it was inside out), "Thank you for brushing your teeth after only the second time I asked you" (even though he still hasn't washed his face), "Super job on taking your muddy shoes off before entering the house" (even though the door was left open again) etc... . Notice the small things and this creates a repertoire of behaviours that a child can take pride in and build on. It takes time and patience, for sure. But if you start this regime at an early age then you are on-track to nurturing a respectful, well-behaved and happy child.

I know myself that it isn't easy, but it works. It is an investment in your child to make the effort to offer praise that will help them understand what kind of behaviours you want to encourage. If ever I find my children acting-up I can always trace it back to a period of neglect; time to invest in some interaction/attention in a positive way.

So, spanking, then. Yes, I've hit my kids. And I've always regretted it. Why? Because I was angry when I did so and not because they deserved to be hit. It is bullying, period. And it leads to resentment. If you can (and most hitting parents try to) convince your child that they deserved to be hit then what have you taught them? This is a one way street to creating an abusive citizen of the future.

When one sleeps on the floor one need not worry about falling out of bed - Anton Lavey
If god had meant us to believe in him he would've existed - Linda Smith
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22-10-2015, 09:21 AM
RE: Parenting: "Whoopings"/Spanking your kids/Other forms of discipline
spanking doesn't result in better short term good behaviour when compared to other methods such as time outs and show worse behaviour in long term and more agressive children.
so why should you spank a child?

I don't really like going outside.
It's too damn "peopley" out there....
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22-10-2015, 09:27 AM
RE: Parenting: "Whoopings"/Spanking your kids/Other forms of discipline
I don't spank my kids, honestly they're too old for that. My younger son actually preferred spanking over a time out. So I went with time outs. Smile

I've always said I will trust my kids until they do something to break that trust.

When my older son was around 10 he would come home from school and we'd do the usual thing...how was school...have any homework.

He'd say school was fine -- and he had no homework. I trusted him that he was being honest.

Then in the spring we had parent teacher conferences. He seemed a bit worried. We went and I found out that he hasn't turned in ANY homework since school started.

I asked the teacher if she had all the missing assignments. She did, and gave them to me. It was quite the stack. I told him in front of the teacher that no only would he make up all the work, do his regular homework and do double the reading (I learned they were supposed to read 20 minutes each night) but he wouldn't have any tv or video games until school was out.

Not sure if he or the teacher really believed me.

But when we got home, I took all the cables for the video games and confiscated the gameboy devices. I took the cable for the tv too and remote.

I watched each night while he did his homework at the table (no more doing it in private). He did his regular homework first and then did some of the makeup stuff.

He got everything back two weeks before school let out for the summer -- only because he had without too much complaint fulfilled his obligations.

He still talks about it, and says it was an important lesson for him to learn. He really thought since the teacher never mentioned it, he was getting away with something.

Just this morning my younger kid said he's sick. He's not that sick...he's got the sniffles. So he's staying home. No tv, no video games and I'm sure in his obviously weakened state he can't surely use the computer either. Evil_monster


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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22-10-2015, 09:28 AM
RE: Parenting: "Whoopings"/Spanking your kids/Other forms of discipline
I was never spanked and I've always been glad about that. I never spanked my kids either. It's much, much harder to parent a child without spanking them. It's more complicated, it takes more time and thought and it takes more patience.


If a parent is really honest with themselves they'll admit they're pretty angry when they resort to spanking a kid.

When my kids were little I kept remembering what my very experienced mother told me about raising children. (She had 8 kids) She told me, "there are times when you'll want to throw your kids out the window, there are times when you'll want to bash their brains in.....it's a natural feeling. But take a deep breath and find your patience, you won't do that because you love them too much."

I'm so glad she told me that because, sure enough, there were times when I DID want to bash their brains but I never went beyond a long time out in the laundry room.

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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22-10-2015, 10:08 AM
RE: Parenting: "Whoopings"/Spanking your kids/Other forms of discipline
This is an interesting subject that I have often thought about since my deconversion. I'm still undecided. However, since then I have spanked my kids a lot less and tried a lot harder to come up with nuanced punishments that fit the crime. Sometimes spanking is the short way out because parents don't want to put the effort into figuring out how different situations should be handled with different decisions.

I'm somewhat surprised that no one has made the attempt to cite actual studies involving spanking. If the data is measurable, we should be surveying it to see if this is in fact the best way to punish, given all other variables and potential actions.

Here is a link that leads to several studies that have been done:

Psychological studies on spanking

**Crickets** -- God
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22-10-2015, 10:14 AM
RE: Parenting: "Whoopings"/Spanking your kids/Other forms of discipline
(22-10-2015 10:08 AM)Tonechaser77 Wrote:  This is an interesting subject that I have often thought about since my deconversion. I'm still undecided. However, since then I have spanked my kids a lot less and tried a lot harder to come up with nuanced punishments that fit the crime. Sometimes spanking is the short way out because parents don't want to put the effort into figuring out how different situations should be handled with different decisions.

I'm somewhat surprised that no one has made the attempt to cite actual studies involving spanking. If the data is measurable, we should be surveying it to see if this is in fact the best way to punish, given all other variables and potential actions.

Here is a link that leads to several studies that have been done:

Psychological studies on spanking

I'm currently on mobile, but I have a file stored in my" called doing more harm than than good, a meta study on the intended and unintended effects of corporal punishment (I think that's the title) lemme Google that

I don't really like going outside.
It's too damn "peopley" out there....
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22-10-2015, 10:16 AM
RE: Parenting: "Whoopings"/Spanking your kids/Other forms of discipline
Just Google "more harm than than good, a meta study on the intended and unintended effects of corporal punishment" , there is a PDF file at the top, that's the one methinks

I don't really like going outside.
It's too damn "peopley" out there....
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22-10-2015, 10:38 AM
RE: Parenting: "Whoopings"/Spanking your kids/Other forms of discipline
I don't have children but my wife and I are trying. I have done baby sitting, and my wife had work in daycare. So obviously my opinion should be taken with a grain of salt.

I think child punishment should reflect what they will receive as an adult. The time should meet the crime.

Most miss behavior is enough to be sent to a room. To at least level out their attitude. Breaking this punishment will increases to more sever time. Removal of privileges. No TV, No Computer, No cell phone. No Friends. No Dinner. Appalling actions could result in a spanking.

I don't know if I like punishing kids for bad grades. I had a tuff time threw school with my learning disability. I was a B student. My mother would sit with me to help me threw homework but my father would make me repeat any misspelled word 100 times. If i misspelled a word in the list i would have to do it 100 times over again. He grew up with dyslexia as well but in a different time he wasn't as he put it "babied". They just couldn't diagnose him till years later. If I was falling behind I would often get reprimanded from him. I wasn't that I wasn't trying, I just that I was having a hard time keeping up. To this day I have to read things over a couple of times because I see words out of place, or things that look well worded at first the next time around I can see the mistakes.

My parents very rarely spanked only in the cases where I would punch my brother or threw a major attitude their way. Mostly I would be sent to my room. This was also a time before we had computers so I would mostly stare at a wall. Or play with my toys.

Don't Live each day like it's your last. Live each day like you have 541 days after that one where every choice you make will have lasting implications to you and the world around you. ~ Tim Minchin
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