Parenting: "Whoopings"/Spanking your kids/Other forms of discipline
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
22-10-2015, 01:20 PM
RE: Parenting: "Whoopings"/Spanking your kids/Other forms of discipline
(22-10-2015 01:17 PM)GenesisNemesis Wrote:  Just a note to anyone who says "I was spanked as a kid and I turned out fine", I, as someone who is not you and know nothing about you, have no reason whatsoever to trust your statement, and for all I know you could just be overlooking something.

I turned out screwed up, I just don't think it was because of the spanking Tongue

'Murican Canadian
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like yakherder's post
22-10-2015, 01:21 PM
RE: Parenting: "Whoopings"/Spanking your kids/Other forms of discipline
"They did it to me and I turned out okay" is an idiotic defense of any particular cultural practice. But subjectively very satisfying, mind - we're just wired like that.

Dispassionately, I suppose, one would try to quantify the harms and benefits. I'm not sure how possible that is; any studies of childhood discipline I've read would indicate that corporal punishment is at best no better than alternate methods, but it's less obvious what differences in lasting potential harm there might be. We (generally) all have a nice, useless gutfeeling that "excessive" corporal punishment messes with people but that's not really meaningful purely in and of itself.

... this is my signature!
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
22-10-2015, 01:25 PM (This post was last modified: 22-10-2015 01:28 PM by Bows and Arrows.)
RE: Parenting: "Whoopings"/Spanking your kids/Other forms of discipline
I was spanked in school in 4th grade by the teacher....not at home....although my dad did want to hit me with a 2x4 when I was about 14-15 for riding dirt bikes with boys without his permission. Dad had a hatred for motorcycles. I will say that was the day my relationship forever changed with my parents.


As for my own kids, I have regretted every single time. It's been years, and now I wish I never did. Those few times, it was rare.

when you know better, you do better.


I would ask this, is it ok for your employer to hit you if you screw up on the job? why is it any different just because the person getting hit is a minor?


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Bows and Arrows's post
22-10-2015, 01:25 PM
RE: Parenting: "Whoopings"/Spanking your kids/Other forms of discipline
Man, I read threads like this and I'm blown away by how lucky I am. When my kid did something wrong, I told her that she shouldn't do that, and explained why (in an age appropriate manner of course). 99% of the time she ceased the behaviour, occasionally needing an infrequent reminder.

She's 19 now, and I've swatted her twice. Once as a very young child, she played with the stove for a second time and got a swat on the hand. When your kid wants to play with the stove, it's best to instill a genuine fear. Second time was when she rolled the car into the ditch. I grabbed her by the shoulders so hard I left a bruise, while I screamed at her to never do that shit to me again. Then I hugged her so hard she couldn't breathe. Fuckin kid.

So many cats, so few good recipes.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 7 users Like Stark Raving's post
22-10-2015, 01:34 PM
RE: Parenting: "Whoopings"/Spanking your kids/Other forms of discipline
My father might be called a man of the 'old times', with a short temper to boot. These days, he bemoans that people are too soft on kids; corporal punishment is the only way to teach a kid. Those kids that never got whooped in school turned out to be the bad ones, and he turned out fine, says he. Any study demonstrating any long-standing negative effects from such punishments is just 'bleeding-heart bullshit'.

As you can imagine, as a child I got punished for my deeds far more often than I would have liked.

All the wooden spoons, hands, and belts on my arse, and all the drill sergeant-style scream-downs (he's ex-military) only achieved to instil in my nascent brain the fear of my parents and the people around me, and (by osmosis) that raging outburst were okay when something was displeasing (I still struggle to rein my temper in). I was never taught why what I did was wrong in those episodes, only that for some reason I deserved to be hurt.
I don't begrudge the behaviour; I see now that he is a product of yesteryear (being in his early 50's); when all you have been taught to know is the hammer, all things look as nails.

I'm not a parent, and I probably never will be, so I wont pretend I know their half of it. But as a recently-young person, physical punishments should only be brought to bear when all else fails; it may be difficult, but kids can be reasoned with, and inducing pain as a punishment only conditions the child to expect more pain from you, every application making actual teaching ever so slightly harder.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 5 users Like Free Thought's post
22-10-2015, 01:38 PM
RE: Parenting: "Whoopings"/Spanking your kids/Other forms of discipline
I once had a very interesting and productive discussion with a mother of three teenage girls. She gave me some of the best advice, which I have since successfully applied: very simply, she said you MUST pick your battles and be strategic about what's important to you.
For example: I'm not a stickler for a clean room: as far as I'm concerned, so long as it's not a health hazard, I don't care about your room. Same with chores: my kids never had chores growing up, but they were expected to help me when I asked. So far, pretty easy, right ...
However, when it came to applying the golden rule and schoolwork I was ruthless: no excuses whatsoever, homework was ALWAYS done on time, to the very best of their ability, and I checked ALL teachers comments, attended ALL parent-teacher conferences, and expected nothing but cooperation and participation in class and their very best effort, regardless of the mark. I limited screen time long before it was fashionable and "forced" them to play with friends in the basement with minimal supervision. If they "forgot" their homework at school, they were yelled at, and I treated it very seriously: they walked back to school with me in tow to get the homework they "forgot".
Aside from school, which I consider to be my children's "job", I saw my role as a parent is as a "health and safety officer": I am in charge of your long-term health and safety, and all my decisions will be based on those principles. (That, and the golden rule)
Because once you ensure their long-term mental and physical health is going to be ok, give them advice, let them do what they want, and let them suffer the consequences!!
If we went out to a restaurant and they started misbehaving, I would explain what was expected of them, give them a warning about the consequences of bothering other people, and if they continued to be rude or disruptive, I would immediately pay the bill and we would leave the restaurant, food untouched, as I had threatened to do, simply because I didn't think it was fair to subject other diners to their rudeness. Believe me, you only need to do that once.

When my daughter decided she didn't want to wear her snowsuit to school (she was 6), I didn't make a fuss: I walked to the bus stop with her , with her NOT wearing her snowsuit at -10C, until she got cold and decided that maybe a snowsuit was a good idea, so I walked her back home, got the snowsuit on, and took her to school (she'd missed the bus, which was punishment enough). She regularly wore missmatched socks (who CARES!) and went through a whole "goth" phase (again, who cares!) I couldn't care less how she cut or coloured her hair, so long as she used a safe product. If she didn't like what was for dinner, no problem: don't eat it. Going without food for one meal won't kill you.

I can't say that my daughter's teenage years were easy (they very rarely are!) but by trying to stay open-minded and explaining why decisions were made (always in terms of health and safety), we got through it. Most importantly, my kids understood WHY I was making the decisions I did, which encouraged them to consider their decision similarly.

Teenagers are a whole new kettle of fish: they will push your buttons and actively seek risk-taking behaviours. As a parent, I found it best to try to channel those behaviours in productive ways: I sent my then 15-year-old son and his well-travelled 16-year-old buddy, on a 10-hour bus ride across an international border to attend a sports training camp in New York City. For a week. On their own. With minimal supervision. It was a calculated risk, but I trusted that they would have the skills to make the right decisions. And they did. The trust and confidence which that experience built were priceless and it (safely) satisfied their need to take risks, to face the unknown, which should be encouraged, albeit in the right context.

I always told my children that I would support them 100% in any (relatively) safe exciting activity they decided to do: scuba-diving, parachuting, rock-climbing, you name it, so long as they sought the advice and training of experts, could explain and understand the risks, and were prepared to live with the consequences.

Your faith is not evidence, your opinion is not fact, and your bias is not wisdom
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
22-10-2015, 01:54 PM
RE: Parenting: "Whoopings"/Spanking your kids/Other forms of discipline
A friend of mine is a mother of 5 (my mother had 5 kids too). She lets her kids get their room as dirty as they want. But if it gets so dirty that it's too dirty for their parents to stand, they clean it for them. But then -- then something goes missing in the process. Something they didn't put away. So they learn to keep their room clean. They know their parents will do it -- and they know if they do something will disappear. And they'll only get it back if they keep their room clean for long enough.

Creativity in punishments imo is not a bad idea.

My oldest daughter hasn't been doing her homework recently. I understand why she doesn't do it. Her math teacher is a horrible person, and she takes points off if you do it differently than she teaches. So my daughter decided not to do the homework at all, rather than only get partial credit for doing it all. I didn't punish her, I just told her that she needs to get her grade up to a C+. I told her "Get your grade up to a B, and I'll get you a new game. Fail to get your grade up to a C+ and I'll be taking your 3DS away from you until your next interim report, and you have a grade of at least a B." She managed to get her grade up to a C+. Which I can live with.

She'd sometimes talk back to my wife (not her mother). We'd usually put up with it, because as my wife said we want her to speak her mind. But when she called her a name, we made her write a three page report on why calling people names is wrong, and why we wouldn't want people to do it to us. Since then she's been much more respectful, and she even apologized. Now the only name she calls her step-mom is "mom". (though only once in a great while)
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
22-10-2015, 02:09 PM
RE: Parenting: "Whoopings"/Spanking your kids/Other forms of discipline
I was spanked as a child, and I'm a little fucked in the head. Probably not from the spanking, but the righteous indignation that came with it.

Don't let those gnomes and their illusions get you down. They're just gnomes and illusions.

--Jake the Dog, Adventure Time

Alouette, je te plumerai.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Old Man Marsh's post
22-10-2015, 02:19 PM
RE: Parenting: "Whoopings"/Spanking your kids/Other forms of discipline
(22-10-2015 01:54 PM)Ash Wrote:  A friend of mine is a mother of 5 (my mother had 5 kids too). She lets her kids get their room as dirty as they want. But if it gets so dirty that it's too dirty for their parents to stand, they clean it for them. But then -- then something goes missing in the process. Something they didn't put away. So they learn to keep their room clean. They know their parents will do it -- and they know if they do something will disappear. And they'll only get it back if they keep their room clean for long enough.

Creativity in punishments imo is not a bad idea.

My oldest daughter hasn't been doing her homework recently. I understand why she doesn't do it. Her math teacher is a horrible person, and she takes points off if you do it differently than she teaches. So my daughter decided not to do the homework at all, rather than only get partial credit for doing it all. I didn't punish her, I just told her that she needs to get her grade up to a C+. I told her "Get your grade up to a B, and I'll get you a new game. Fail to get your grade up to a C+ and I'll be taking your 3DS away from you until your next interim report, and you have a grade of at least a B." She managed to get her grade up to a C+. Which I can live with.

She'd sometimes talk back to my wife (not her mother). We'd usually put up with it, because as my wife said we want her to speak her mind. But when she called her a name, we made her write a three page report on why calling people names is wrong, and why we wouldn't want people to do it to us. Since then she's been much more respectful, and she even apologized. Now the only name she calls her step-mom is "mom". (though only once in a great while)

Another great piece of advice i was given was that if your teenager rants and raves and "disses" you, the parent, but is polite and respectful with all other non-family authority figures, such as teachers, etc., then you should discipline them (appropriately, as you did) but you don't need to worry about their character so much: they will grow out of it, (mine did).

It's when they start becoming rude to other, non-family authority figures that you need to take the problem quite seriously.

Your faith is not evidence, your opinion is not fact, and your bias is not wisdom
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
22-10-2015, 03:12 PM
RE: Parenting: "Whoopings"/Spanking your kids/Other forms of discipline
(22-10-2015 03:40 AM)Ferdinand Wrote:  However, as for taking items away from children, I have mixed thoughts. I agree with the father taking away his daughter's phone because of her poor grades, but I'm not sure how I feel about the father in example three basically turning his little girl into a prisoner. I'm not sure I agree with the father's actions in example three, even though example two and three both regard taking possessions and items away from children in an attempt to discipline them.
Any thoughts?
There is no perfect way to parent.
Each kid is different and the life experiences and values of each parent is different.
Certain parenting techniques become trending and certain ones go out of favour.
Government had better be careful regarding when they decide to interfere in the private business of families.
If a child's physical health is at risk then most people tend to agree that government can interfere and protect the child.
When it comes to mental abuse it is more unclear. Government's generally don't interfere and allow parent to choose to brainwash children into various religions and beliefs. Home schooling is often allowed and this opens the gate for much child abuse regarding holding kids back from learning things that many other parents would consider basic and essential foundational knowledge and skills.
Regarding discipline, it seems that there are many approaches i.e. physical punishment, revoking privileges, revoking freedoms (a.k.a. grounding).
Whose to know which is the best approach?

Personally I would think that prisons have been shown to be not good at reforming hence recreating a "prison atmosphere" at home doesn't seem to me to be a great idea. I would hope this parent tries it for a couple of weeks and then gives up on this idea. But then again it isn't my place to tell him how to parent his child.

I am more for education and less on government imposition.
I think shows like Supernanny are great because they present alternative parenting approaches. They motivate people to watch because not only are they educational but they are also entertaining. Parenting is a difficult task and most of the time parents are ill equipped and follow the way they were brought up (cycle) rather than to try some other techniques. For some parents as well, sometimes their own anger gets the better of them and they do things they may regret. It's normal, there is no perfect parent. Most of us try our best, most of us try some things and give up on them because although they seemed like a good idea they turned out not to be.
I think parents these days put a lot of pressure on themselves to be perfect. I also think kids these days often get too spoilt. But ultimately most parents are trying their best and there is no perfect answer.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply
Forum Jump: